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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to PILs over Christmas?

130 replies

ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 13:59

Opinions welcome! We are not going to PILs on Christmas Day, so DH says we should go for a visit sometime in the next week. Trouble is, I cannot bear the temperature at their house - have always put up with it with frequent escapes to sit in the bathroom etc with window open, but nowadays it is at 24 degrees and all the time I was there last (in October), I was red-faced, sweating, thumping headache, fanning myself desperately with anything to hand. They looked at me as if I was something the cat brought in. If I sat there in my undies I still could not bear it. I cannot tolerate heat, as they have known for the 20 years we've been married, and our house is never more than 18 degrees (max), maybe 16 if I am home alone. DH and I reach a compromise on this as he feels colder than me. I wear less, he wears more etc. Works for us.
DH says I cannot ask them to turn it down as they feel the cold. I say that I am also a human being who feels things, and they should compromise. If they came to my house I would turn it up for them without being asked, and if they sat there shivering and freezing I would be mortified and try to rectify it.
We do not mention such things to PILs as it's the way DH was brought up, and I am told not to say anything as it would 'upset' them. So I told him I will not go. I feel a bit bad about it but don't see what else I can do. FWIW no, we are not close and I'm sure they are not bothered if I don't go, other than what it looks like to the neighbours and that it's the 'done thing'. AIBU?

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 23/12/2018 15:49

I think you should just put up with it for one day's visit. My previously very hardy dad is now older and in less good health, and his house is too warm for me because he feels the cold much more than he used to. I wear layers so I can take some off, open the window if e.g. I'm in the kitchen on my own cooking or washing up, turn the radiator off and open the window in the bedroom overnight.

I would, though, go less early than your DH wants to (why do you need such a long day there?) and take a fan, maybe one of those little hand-held ones. Bollocks to whether your DH thinks it's 'unacceptable'. Tell him you need it to be comfortable and, if you can't take it, you can't go.

MrsStrowman · 23/12/2018 15:59

I used to work in a chocolate shop that was refrigerated to 16 degrees to stop the high cocoa butter content chocolate melting. YABU in just thinking that your clearly faulty internal thermostat is everyone else's problem to deal with and never seeking medical attention even though you've been like this for years. It isn't usual to sleep with only a sheet and Windows open in mid winter. Elderly people feel the cold, you should never have gotten to a point where you avoid going to places because of the warm but manageable for most, temperature.

DarlingNikita · 23/12/2018 16:01

MrsStrowman, the OP has sought medical help.

BarbedBloom · 23/12/2018 16:02

I am the same and the heat also aggravates my RA, which is horrible. I hate the summer and go out as little as possible.

My grandparents used to be the same with heating and the fire and everyone used to strip off the second they got through the door. The problem in that case was that they used to go mad if anyone opened a window or stepped outside. It ended up with me saying something as the family weren’t going around much and my grandparents couldn’t understand why.

They had noticed people stripping off, but hadn’t realised how bad it was and were mortified and lowered the temperature a bit so too hot people could dress in light clothes and they wore thick jumpers. Your H is being silly if he thinks they don’t notice you are wearing summer clothes in winter. I would take a fan and just explain you are feeling the heat a bit. If your H won’t accept that, don’t go

Whisky2014 · 23/12/2018 16:03

Your dh is unreasonable making you go a full day. Just say no I go for lunch or nothing. Or go out for lunch?

LoniceraJaponica · 23/12/2018 16:13

While I agree that having the thermostat set at 24 degrees is too high for most people you have to remember that your PIL clearly feel the cold far more than you do. I can only agree with the other suggestions that you wear your skimpiest summer clothes and keep steeping outside for a breather. It is only for one day.

The OP is anything but a snowflake – more of a melted one I think. Given that you suffer from the heat as much as this have you had it medically checked out?

“I never wear a winter coat, never get cold hands or feet, radiator off in the bedroom, sleep with just a sheet mostly”

That is a bit extreme TBH

“Can I ask, do you put the heating on when you have visitors. 16-18 is very cool for most people?”

I agree. I never visit my sister in winter because her house is so bloody cold, and in summer I take a thick jumper for the evening because the rooms never seem to get any sun in them.

RandomMess · 23/12/2018 16:19

My two options would be:

Meet for lunch nearish their home, you get to eat a decent meal and the temperature is likely to be more bearable.

DH goes without you!!!

anniehm · 23/12/2018 16:22

Sounds rather overdramatic! What do you do in summer??? Just wear clothing you can take off easily so you essentially have a summer outfit for inside.

DarlingNikita · 23/12/2018 16:28

Why are people not reading the thread properly?

The OP says 'During the summer heat I am inside our house with 3 foot thick walls, which is considerably cooler than outside, or sleeping with a fan.'

And she HAS been medically checked out; she gets a range of checks done every year.

Ballpark · 23/12/2018 16:36

I’m the same when visiting my parents. I don’t go very often now and never stay more than an hour.

Also cannot cope in hot shops. Makes me faint. Thank goodness for online shopping.

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 16:45

Yes, to repeat it's not a medical condition, and BTW I don't sleep with windows open in winter, not sure where PPs got that from! Also to repeat I DO consider guests' comfort in my home, and turn up the heating to more than I like, dress accordingly, and ask them if they are comfortable. To me, that's what you do when you have guests, no matter their age, you compromise for a few hours. As can clearly be seen from the responses here, some people do feel the heat, just as others feel the cold.

OP posts:
Oswin · 23/12/2018 16:47

Could you meet somewhere for lunch instead?
Why are people behaving like the op is dreadfully rude because they don't get like this in heat. She's not demanding they make the house frozen. But it's horrible for her to go there so she should just not go.

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 17:09

Meeting for lunch would no doubt still mean us driving 2 hours to where they live, as FIL doesn't like the drive to us, and he would insist on choosing the restaurant, then we would have to go back to their house anyway which would be weird to refuse as it's just round the corner! Anyhow, I've decided I am definitely not going with DH. They get to see him (even he comes home desperate to jump in the shower as he's been so hot), he gets to see them, and I get to stay home. I'm too old to put up with things I really don't want to, and yes I will be old one day and hope I will still be considerate to guests, or better still, that guests/ family will not be afraid of 'upsetting' me by talking about such mundane things.

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 23/12/2018 17:39

Lookatyourwatchnow
Sorry, you are being very dramatic. I think it would be extremely rude of you not to visit your PILs over Christmas so you are either using the heat as an excuse not to go because you don't want to see them or you are a precious snowflake.

That's very unfair. I can't take heat either, there have been times when I thought I'd pass out. My mother visited my sister in New York once and had a complete collapse when it wasn't even a particularly hot summer there. She was ill for the whole holiday, and it took ages for her to recover even after she got home.

@Juells - oh please, OP is being a precious snowflake. She's not going to collapse because her PIL's house is 24 degrees. She hasn't collapsed there over many years so far. Unbelievable I know, but sometimes I feel hot or even cold and so I dress accordingly and crack on with my life.

Lindtnotlint · 23/12/2018 17:55

For one day, suck it up! Sorry. Totally understand it’s unpleasant (and I would have serious words with DH if he objected to coping mechanisms like iced drinks and fans). Would also try to reach a compromise on duration/go for a walk at some point. But life is sometimes not amazing and it’s not like this is once a week.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 23/12/2018 18:04

I would compromise with lunch out (where the temp is likely to be less than 24 degrees) then back to theirs wearing thin summer clothes and the other suggestions mentioned. Pop out for a walk to 'get your steps in' or to 'get some fresh air'. Back for a cuppa and off home.

Maybe DH could visit more so the visits you do go on don't have to be quite so long or so charged. If he visited alone in between you visiting too, then you could stay for a shorter time on your joint visits.

1wokeuplikethis · 23/12/2018 18:04

This is hilarious! Are people so precious they cannot visit important family members because it is slightly more inclimate than they would like?

It’s their house, they are your family. Wear a cotton t-shirt and floaty skirt. Such a non question!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 23/12/2018 18:07

PIL were similar but the walk was helpful. I found it very stuffy. At least we stayed the night so I turned off our radiator, opened the window and kept the door shut. It was a cooler haven.

CrookedMe · 23/12/2018 18:18

This thread is weird. The thing is, it's not just Christmas is it? If you don't visit them due to the temperature and they rarely come to you, you're essentially choosing to go NC with your inlaws.

Which seems a bit extreme really.

SunnyCoco · 23/12/2018 18:30

FFS, surely if you’ve known them for 20 years you can ask them to turn the heating off for a couple of hours.
Just speak up. Jeez.

SunnyCoco · 23/12/2018 18:31

I also note that you say you put the heating up in your house If you have guests, so basically you can tolerate high temperatures in your own home but not in theirs?! Hmmm!

DarlingNikita · 23/12/2018 18:33

Sunny, the OP says she turns up the heating 'to more than I like', which isn't necessarily the same as 'to 24 degrees' as in the PILs' house, is it?

tillytoodles1 · 23/12/2018 18:34

Well my FIL thinks 14-16 degrees is warm enough. I sleep in my dressing gown and wear tights under my PJ's.

68Anon · 23/12/2018 18:40

What happens when you go outside in the Summer and it's warmer than 24 degrees as it was this year? Do you melt?
Seems as if the heat is just an excuse not to visit your in laws....as you say, you don't have a close relationship with them so basically, you don't care about seeing them.
For your in laws sake, it's best you stay home as you don't seem prepared to suffer a little discomfort to try and form a close relationship with them. Your loss.

SunnyCoco · 23/12/2018 19:40

@DarlingNikita sorry if I misunderstood there.

I guess I just think sometimes you have to grin and bear it to form good relationships with people. Friends and family often have home situations I don’t like eg dogs, dirt, funny smells etc. I think well I’m not perfect either so let’s overlook it for the sake of being together.
If OP just doesn’t like them then fair enough. But I think most people (thankfully) put up with a bit of discomfort for the sake of just getting along and making the most of togetherness.

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