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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to PILs over Christmas?

130 replies

ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 13:59

Opinions welcome! We are not going to PILs on Christmas Day, so DH says we should go for a visit sometime in the next week. Trouble is, I cannot bear the temperature at their house - have always put up with it with frequent escapes to sit in the bathroom etc with window open, but nowadays it is at 24 degrees and all the time I was there last (in October), I was red-faced, sweating, thumping headache, fanning myself desperately with anything to hand. They looked at me as if I was something the cat brought in. If I sat there in my undies I still could not bear it. I cannot tolerate heat, as they have known for the 20 years we've been married, and our house is never more than 18 degrees (max), maybe 16 if I am home alone. DH and I reach a compromise on this as he feels colder than me. I wear less, he wears more etc. Works for us.
DH says I cannot ask them to turn it down as they feel the cold. I say that I am also a human being who feels things, and they should compromise. If they came to my house I would turn it up for them without being asked, and if they sat there shivering and freezing I would be mortified and try to rectify it.
We do not mention such things to PILs as it's the way DH was brought up, and I am told not to say anything as it would 'upset' them. So I told him I will not go. I feel a bit bad about it but don't see what else I can do. FWIW no, we are not close and I'm sure they are not bothered if I don't go, other than what it looks like to the neighbours and that it's the 'done thing'. AIBU?

OP posts:
EtVoilaBrexit · 23/12/2018 14:45

It's easier to put on an extra layer or two to stay warm than it its to get cool in a hot room/climate.

Except that for people like me, putting extra layers doesn’t work.
For the OP to feel confortable, they would need to lower the temperature by 6!!oC which is a lot and would be compensated by wearing one or two extra layers. Esp if they already have a jumper on etc...
And then it will take a long time for the house to warm up again once the OP has left.

Plus I’m sure the OP wouldn’t put the heating up for them when they visit....

EtVoilaBrexit · 23/12/2018 14:47

Over 24 and below 12 put you at cardiovascular risk.

Sorry but that made me laugh.
So... going away in warm countries for your hols is a no-no nowdays because ‘it puts you at cardiovascular risk’.
And so is liv8ng in a warmer climate, let along a tropical country.
And ... I forgot, we should all move to the north of Scotland for the summer too.

Come on.
Let’s get real. No one is going to die because the house is at 24oC.

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 14:48

I turned their thermostat down once, by about 1 degree, in 20 years of visiting! They don't come here as FIL does not like the 2 hour drive each way on tiny narrow roads, but when they have, as I have already said, I have tried to make them comfortable by thinking about other people's requirements which differ from mine.

Yes I know DH's 'rules' are daft but they are his parents, he thinks that anyone saying anything will 'upset' them. So he will not say or do anything. I find it weird as I couldn't imagine not saying something to my own parents, on my behalf or that of DH. Other than on this particular topic he's a wonderful DH but this is a sore point, so I go along with his wishes in the matter of his parents. My parents died some years ago, so he has never really had to reciprocate these family visits.

OP posts:
Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 14:49

Let’s get real. No one is going to die because the house is at 24oC.

Neither are they going to die if it's at 20 degrees then ....

OP posts:
Bluelady · 23/12/2018 14:53

If you turned the thermostat down in my house I'd slap your hand. How bloody rude.

Ilovedotcotton · 23/12/2018 14:55

I’m like you in that I am naturally warm, and like to be cool. I can’t bear the heat and dress in shirt sleeves all year round. I don’t own a jumper or cardigan. However, I’m still not very sympathetic. The problem here isn’t your PiLS, it’s you and your husband. Why on earth can’t you just tell them that you’re too hot and ask them to turn it down a bit. I can’t believe they’d really be so upset by this. Tell them you’re menopausal or have a health condition of it helps. His reaction is odd. However, so is yours - 24 degrees is very warm for a house but you can dress accordingly, drink cold drinks etc. As others have said, it’s hotter than this here in summer, what did you do then? I think this is an excuse - you don’t like them and don’t want to go. Just be honest about this.

bmbonanza · 23/12/2018 14:58

Dont go - why ruin your Christmas because they are selfish. They could turn it down and pop on an extra jumper. BUT you should also be raging at your DH - he should be telling them and supporting you.

Juells · 23/12/2018 14:58

Lookatyourwatchnow
Sorry, you are being very dramatic. I think it would be extremely rude of you not to visit your PILs over Christmas so you are either using the heat as an excuse not to go because you don't want to see them or you are a precious snowflake.

That's very unfair. I can't take heat either, there have been times when I thought I'd pass out. My mother visited my sister in New York once and had a complete collapse when it wasn't even a particularly hot summer there. She was ill for the whole holiday, and it took ages for her to recover even after she got home.

kidsatuniemptynester · 23/12/2018 14:58

You are being rude and unreasonable, just wear cooler clothes, not that difficult. I would be very uncomfortable in your house at 16-18 degrees but I wouldn't be rude enough to comment on it or stop visiting. Have a bit of respect for other people. Do you expect them to buy hard chairs because you don't like soft ones? Change patterned carpets because you prefer plain? Bloody grow up, you will be old one day and may well be faced with a DiL who makes a fuss/complains/sneers at how you like to keep your home warm.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2018 14:59

I turned their thermostat down once, by about 1 degree, in 20 years of visiting

I thought you said you turned it down to twenty fro twenty four?

Op, if it's weight related is there something you can do there to prevent you having this level of discomfort?

theymademejoin · 23/12/2018 15:01

@EtVoilaBrexit - So... going away in warm countries for your hols is a no-no nowdays because ‘it puts you at cardiovascular risk’.
And so is liv8ng in a warmer climate, let along a tropical country.

Nowhere does it say you will keel over and die!

Firstly, the website is talking about Britain, not tropical countries. What your body is used to will have a big impact on how you respond to heat so someone who has lived in a tropical climate will have adapted to that. Also, houses in hot countries tend to be cooler. People tend to avoid going outdoors at the hottest times of the day.

There is also a big difference between 24C outdoors and a centrally heated room at 24C. There is a level of stuffiness in an over heated room that you don't get outdoors.

CrazyOldBagLady · 23/12/2018 15:03

So you've known them for 20 years but you refuse to say to them "I'm very hot, could I turn the heating off for a little while?". That's kind of bonkers. I don't know why you don't just pipe up, regardless of what your husband thinks. He can't dictate what you say, you are a grown woman.

Anyway despite that, I don't know what you are looking to achieve. Do you want to just never visit his parents house ever again? Surely this would be more upsetting to everyone than a conversation about the thermostat? Just go in layers or take your shirts with you or something, but do speak up! Your attitude towards this is quite odd to be honest.

cuppycakey · 23/12/2018 15:06

I am struggling to believe you spend all summer in your house Confused

If you really cannot wear clothes that are comfortable in 24 degrees I think you should go back to GP and see what would help. Are you overweight? Thyroid issues?

It is intolerably rude to change the thermostat in someone elses home.

Juells · 23/12/2018 15:08

I would be very uncomfortable in your house at 16-18 degrees

That's the perfect temperature range for me. I can't even take the summer heat in the South of England, it's 'unmercifully hot' there in my book Grin

Purpleartichoke · 23/12/2018 15:11

Op. I end up drenched in sweat and occasionally covered in hives if I spend the day at 24 degrees. The hives are a recent addition, but actually helpful in a way because people now believe me. I’ve been this way my entire life. Regular summer activities as a child often left me sick for days.

My coping technique in the holidays is to wear very little clothing and take regular long breaks outside. Also keep the visits as short as possible.

I’ve seen many doctors. There is no cure so I don’t know why people are acting like it’s something you are neglecting to just get sorted.

Eliza9917 · 23/12/2018 15:15

I also think you are being ott op.
This smacks off 'well,if they won't pander to me, then I won't go'.

24 degrees isn't hot HOT and should be manageable if you wear the correct clothing. Get a sports ice towel etc.

YouCanCallMeJodieWho · 23/12/2018 15:16

I really sympathise OP. I can't cope with heat either. I never have been able to either. It's not a medical condition that can be fixed - it's just how I come.

How do we deal with it? Never go to hot places and moan constantly when the temperature hits 24 in summer. There was a lot of moaning this year.

I clearly like things a bit warmer than you though as my room is currently 19 and that's perfect for sitting down. It's too hot for doing stuff though.

Juells · 23/12/2018 15:22

24 degrees isn't hot HOT and should be manageable if you wear the correct clothing.

It's amazing how intolerant and disbelieving some posters are because other posters can't cope with heat. I'm not overweight, I just get very distressed by heat. On the rare occasions I go abroad I make sure it's in the winter.

Poster65 · 23/12/2018 15:24

The first page gives you the answer here. Wear a T-shirt or vest. That’s it really?
What a fuss

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 23/12/2018 15:30

Re comments about weight , yes I am a little overweight but have been up and down over the years and it's never affected my heat intolerance. I do spend most of the summer innmy home actually, if it's cooler than outdoors. I'm disabled and work from home.

OP posts:
explodingkitten · 23/12/2018 15:38

I'm not sure the problem is caused by weight, I'm really fat at the moment (not curvy, not overweight but fat) and I get cold really quickly some days. I think that it's either related to my hormones or to if I exercised that day.

OP, you need to talk to them that the temperature is uncomfortable for you. Either take the fan, or they lower the temp abput 3 degrees or you know what? Refuse to go. If they won't listen to reason and work with you so you all have a good time, then they're not worth visiting.

EtVoilaBrexit · 23/12/2018 15:40

It's amazing how intolerant and disbelieving some posters are because other posters can't cope with heat.

It's also amazing how intolerant and disbelieving some posters are because other posters can't cope with cold..... As if wearing layers was enough even though you KNOW it’s not when you tend to be cold because You’ve already done on numerous occasions

FWIW it doesn’t have anything to do with weight. I HATE the cold, can’t cope with it and I am overweight....

NopeNi · 23/12/2018 15:43

Light clothes, and take a fan anyway.

Wear wristbands and ice towels (get them delivered from amazon tomorrow and keep dampening them). Keep your wrists and neck as cool as possible.

Have lots of salty food and water,

Try to warm up in the car a bit in advance more than you'd like.

This probably isn't worthwhile for you, but I've begun to defeat my heat sensitivity (probably autism related) by staying warmer than I'd probably like and slowly getting more used to it, and doing daily exercise.

I used to be unable to even deal with the basic temperature in my office but now our flat is now set at 22 routinely where we used to keep it at 18. I've even found the office chilly lately!

That said, last summer was an endless nightmare and I'm dreading it starting up again one day.

EtVoilaBrexit · 23/12/2018 15:46

exploding so the IL should lower the temperature by 3oC EVEN IF it makes them uncomfortable in their own house then?

Maybe If the OP won't listen to reason and work with them so you all have a good time, then the OP isn’t worth having around....

All the talk in this thread is based in te idea that 20oC IS confortable enough for everyone.
Which is crazy because the OP has said repeatedly that 20oC is too much. And I suspect the IL would be really cold at 20oC (otherwise they would have the heating set at 24oC).

So comments about ‘no been worth going to see them’ etc... are just inflammatory and certainly dint help in any shape or form.
They only fuel the Op resentment and her feeling she is RIGHT to DEMAND to have the temperature down wo any respect for how her IL feel. Basicalkynreprducing what the IL are accused off - aka not caring about te fact others can feel differently about the heat/cold....

AcrossthePond55 · 23/12/2018 15:46

Your DH is the one being unreasonable. Fine if he doesn't want to say anything, but to tell you that you can't take a fan? Ridiculous. Your PiL obviously know you are hot if you're showing up in Winter wearing shorts and a t-shirt!

For those saying how do you stand the Summer....I live in California. We routinely have days over 100f during Summer. I can tolerate that just fine, but put me in a ROOM that's over 100f and I'd end up in hospital, as would most people. It's because outside there is fresh (f warm) air circulating. In a room it's just stifling heat with not a breath stirring.