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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect him to share the night duties?

110 replies

PaperHalo · 23/12/2018 06:39

First argument for me OH last night!! Out DD is 4 weeks old and OH had just the one week paternity. It’s been just me on the ‘night shift’ pretty much from the get go, he is now of for two weeks over Christmas I thought him being off we would share more of the night stuff... obviously he can’t feed her as I am BF but the settling and changing... he had a solid 8 hours Friday night after being out from lunchtime with him works Christmas do, which is obviously fine but then last night after staying up with her until 01.30 so I could get a 90 mini nap before the next feed he then went to take himself off to sleep in the spare bed room for the rest of the night!! I’m not sure what I want or expected but I had at least thought we might both sleep in the same bed so it’s not just the same old same old me alone in the bed room trying to wake a sleeping baby to feed it with my eyes on stalks trying not to drop the baby when I nod off!!
AIBU? Should he be helping me?

OP posts:

FestiveNut · 23/12/2018 06:41

Yes he should. In theory. In practice, I find my DH so bloody difficult to wake that it actually takes more time and energy to get him to do it than to just do it myself!

Feb2018mumma · 23/12/2018 06:43

10 month old ebf, I don't express and husband hasn't had a single night! I've been up since 4 today hearing him snore, I feel like I resent him so much!

DropOffArtiste · 23/12/2018 06:43

Don't wake a sleeping baby!

AloneLonelyLoner · 23/12/2018 06:44

To be honest, I’d not expect him to be doing stuff during the night. It doesn’t take 2 people to do the nights and be exhausted during the day. However, while he’s off work he should be helping during the day and making sure he does all the non-baby stuff so that you can concentrate on the baby and resting in between feeds. Sharing a bed while you’re up and down all night would be pretty disastrous in terms of having someone compus mentis during the day. I know it’s awful, I’ve done it 5 times, but I found it better not to have a miserable, unhelpful man around during the night.

preggersteach · 23/12/2018 06:48

Yes he should be doing his part. My lb is now 5 months old and we started that during the week it was solely me doing the nights then both of us getting up on a weekend however it just meant both of us are shattered. So then we decided that as I have to get up in the night as I am ebf then he would get up with baby when he wakes in the morning and go downstairs for a few hours with him and let me catch up on some sleep, he wakes me if he needs to be fed but then takes him off me if i need more sleep. He only gets involved in th night if lb is having a really bad night. This has worked our better as both of us getting some decent sleep. Your partner should help out on a weekend not just during his holidays!

Purplelion · 23/12/2018 06:51

It depends what hours he works as well?
When my DD was younger I did all the nightfeeds (Bottlefed) and settling but I was on mat leave so home all day and he was getting up at 6am, leaving the house at 6:30 and getting home at 6pm. He usually makes dinner, does housework etc so I don’t see how it would be fair on him to be up in the night on top of working!
As you’re breastfeeding I think that is even more of a reason for him not to wake up, there’s no need in both of you being exhausted! He should do his share in the day absolutely but him waking up in the night is pointless.

thundercats192 · 23/12/2018 06:52

If you're ebf there's really only so much he can do. No point you both being tired just so he can lend some moral support. That said, of course it's exhausting and if he's off work over Xmas then he should be able to be more accommodating and flexible. What always worked well for us was for DH to take baby from 5am or so (bringing back to me for feeds if needed) so I could get a few hours sleep in the morning if I'd had a rough night.

ChaoticKate · 23/12/2018 06:58

Why are you trying to wake a sleeping baby?? Honestly, I know the prevailing view on MN is that dads should take on a lot of the night time duties even if the baby is EBF, but I’m not sure that’s always realistic. My baby is 10 months and my DH has never done anything at night because he works very hard during the day and has long term injuries from an accident that means he gets very tired. I went into motherhood with the expectation that I would do all the nights and I think it’s actually been easier that way. I have my baby in my bed (following safer co sleeping guidelines) and when she wakes I feed without waking properly and she drops off again quickly. It’s not for everyone but it works well for us. My husband does all the cooking, most of the cleaning and is always trying to make me nap during the day. Find a balance that works for both of you, that doesn’t necessarily mean because your sleep is disturbed then his should be too.

Jimdandy · 23/12/2018 06:58

This won’t help you as you’re BF but when I had my 2nd and was up with a toddler all day we used to do shifts.

I used to go to bed at 7pm and he covered until 1am then I took over, and did get a bit more broken sleep throughout the night.

My hubby didn’t get pat leave because he’s self employed

Teatimeted · 23/12/2018 07:03

Can you express? If so, I'd do enough for one bottle a day. Go to bed at 8pm and your DP can do the last feed. You then get a decent stretch from 8pm to 2am.

Then DP gets up with the baby first thing to let you sleep. This should be every other day over the holidays and once every weekend all other times.

Purplelion · 23/12/2018 07:14

I didn’t read that you wake the baby! Why?! Dear god do not wake a sleeping baby! They will wake when they’re hungry!

AloneLonelyLoner · 23/12/2018 07:16

So I just reread. Stop stop stop waking your baby. Unless they are very small at 4 weeks they can go 4-5 hours without waking. Longer sure, maybe think about it, but goodness me, you should be feeding on demand.

TulipsInbloom1 · 23/12/2018 07:18

He absoloutley needs to pull his weight. As he cant bf then id let him have the unbroken night sleep, but also insist that he gets uo with the little one if they wake after 6am (after you feed), so you can sleep on for a bit. He can also do bathtime every night too.

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 23/12/2018 07:19

First rule of anything is never wake a sleeping baby! Why are you?

TulipsInbloom1 · 23/12/2018 07:19

Just spotted you are waking the baby - dont do that!!

GinIsIn · 23/12/2018 07:19

Why are you waking the baby?! I honestly don’t think there’s any point in both of you being up and exhausted. I always find it weird when women on here who are BF say their DH gets up to change the baby’s nappy and things - what on Earth is the point of both of you getting exhausted? You do the nights and let him sleep, he stays up late to give you a sleep window, and gets up early to do the same.

ZsaZsaMc · 23/12/2018 07:20

You are not being unreasonable. Whilst he can’t help with the feeding, he can do other stuff and he really doesn’t need to be in the spare room IF he’s not working.

I’m still BF our 9 month old and was really frustrated early on that DH would have soooo much better sleep - I understand that he’s going to work, but it doesn’t help anyone to have two extremes, one person absolutely fine and the other beyond exhausted.

I’ve found it does become more equal - our baby is still not sleeping through but as the feeds are shorter by DH has been getting up a lot more from 6 months. One day she’ll sleep through!!

EmUntitled · 23/12/2018 07:21

Unless your child has some health issue there isn't a reason to wake them up to feed at this age, they will wake when hungry and you will probably get more sleep.

I don't think there is much point in your partner getting up to help when you are breastfeeding. You will have to wake up anyway so it doesn't save you anything and just means that he will also be tired.

Maybe you could suggest he takes the baby downstairs when they wake up for the day (6/7 ish) and look after them for a few hours so you can have a lie-in?

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 23/12/2018 07:22

I didn't expect my husband to do the night feeds when he had to go work the next day. He also worked long hours in a job that required precision, so he needed to be fully awake.

As for waking a sleeping baby - do not do that! Never wake a sleeping baby. The only thing I can suggest is when baby sleeps, you sleep! No matter what time it is. As long as you are both taking it in turns. You are both obviously exhausted.

It is hard now but it will get better. Just hang on in there!

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 23/12/2018 07:25

Waking a sleeping baby?! No!!

HopeHopity · 23/12/2018 07:26

Oh the "never wake a sleeping baby" brigade.

QueenofmyPrinces · 23/12/2018 07:27

Go to bed at 8pm and your DP can do the last feed. You then get a decent stretch from 8pm to 2am...

Do 4 week old babies have a last feed? I know when mine was 4 weeks old he cluster fed from 8pm until about 2.30am....

But as others have said - why are trying to wake a sleeping baby? Has it been recommended to you by the HV due to poor weight?

My husband was brilliant with both our babies in that he would always support me during the night. I really struggled with the 5-6 hour cluster feeding sessions and my DH would stay awake to make sure I didn’t fall asleep holding the baby. The cluster feeding ended when the baby was about 8 weeks old and even then my husband would still get up when the baby woke and he’d do the happy change before handing me the baby to feed. He would then go back to sleep which was fine by me as he’d done his part. In the early days I used to tell him all the time to go to the spare room, to get some sleep etc but he never would and would instead be sitting up with me watching box sets whilst I was feeding. He would tell me that it was our baby and we were in it together. Every night when he cane home from work he would take the baby and then send me to bed for two hours.

Our oldest son is 4.5 years old now and our youngest is 16 months and still breast fed. He’s a horrendous sleeper and is still up 2-3 times a night. My DH sleeps in the spare room as me and the baby co-sleep but when he’s woken by the baby crying he will always come in and check I’m okay and if there’s anything he can do. If the baby wakes up for the day any time before 6am then DH will come and get him so I can have a few hours more sleep.

Since the birth of the first son I have always had Saturday and Sunday lie-ins because DH will get up with the boys.

People say not to do competitive tiredness but thankfully my DH has always said that he knows I’m more tired than him so he does as much as he can to help.

Seeing as your partner is off over Christmas he should definitely be helping you out more around the house and taking the baby to give you breaks. Even if you aren’t getting breaks to sleep it will still be invaluable for you to just have an hours hideaway upstairs to read a book, watch some telly etc just to have some time to yourself.

In answer to your question, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to expect help overnight when your baby is so young, even if your partner is at work. A general view is that if a woman is BF’ing a man is working then of course he should have a nice 8-10 hours unbroken sleep each night whilst his partner is up all night exhausted caring for the baby.......

It’s not a view I hold though and he needs to step up and help parent the baby. Babies are 24/7 hard work and if you dont get to clock off during the night then neither should he.

The first few months are horrendous and team work is imperative and you need to feel that you’re in it together, not in it alone whilst your partner sleeps

crispysausagerolls · 23/12/2018 07:27

He is on holiday so it’s fair for him to wake up, but i would only bother if baby has done a poo and needs changing. Otherwise there’s no point.

HopeHopity · 23/12/2018 07:29

Just wonder why all medical professionals told us that we had to wake our baby up to feed for jaundice for example.

I really wish people didn't give medical advice here "NEVER wake a sleeping baby" is not right, sometimes they need to be waken and when you say "never" to a new mum it can get very confusing so please dont

AnnaMariaDreams · 23/12/2018 07:29

DS lost loads of weight and we had to wake him to (bottle) feed him every 3 hours. Is it something like that op? If they have lost weight (DS was slightly prem) they will sleep through but it isn’t a good sleeping through.
In answer to your question- yes of course your DH should be helping. Babies are 50/50. If you’re doing all the feeding he needs to be doing all the nappies for example, when he’s around.
Give baby a massive feed, express or make up a bottle, hand baby to DH and go for a long nap this afternoon.

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