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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect him to share the night duties?

110 replies

PaperHalo · 23/12/2018 06:39

First argument for me OH last night!! Out DD is 4 weeks old and OH had just the one week paternity. It’s been just me on the ‘night shift’ pretty much from the get go, he is now of for two weeks over Christmas I thought him being off we would share more of the night stuff... obviously he can’t feed her as I am BF but the settling and changing... he had a solid 8 hours Friday night after being out from lunchtime with him works Christmas do, which is obviously fine but then last night after staying up with her until 01.30 so I could get a 90 mini nap before the next feed he then went to take himself off to sleep in the spare bed room for the rest of the night!! I’m not sure what I want or expected but I had at least thought we might both sleep in the same bed so it’s not just the same old same old me alone in the bed room trying to wake a sleeping baby to feed it with my eyes on stalks trying not to drop the baby when I nod off!!
AIBU? Should he be helping me?

OP posts:
HopeHopity · 23/12/2018 07:30

I think @QueenofmyPrinces has written great advice and she has actually asked the OP about the wakes, and the HV, rather than throwing her arms up in the air with the "never!"

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 23/12/2018 07:31

But the OP hasn’t said anything about ‘medical conditions’. Hmm

Stuckforthefourthtime · 23/12/2018 07:32

I never really see the point in sharing nights when bfing (or even sometimes when not). It usually seems more like the mother wanting to share the pain - which I sympathise with - but isn't actually the most efficient way to do things. Instead, DH and I have always done it so he takes over the lion's share of cleaning after dinner (or other household jobs) and takes the baby if it wakes early so I can sleep later in the morning,
and also deals with any times our older DCs wake up - this way we both get rest.
If it helps - safer cosleeping guide here, for when your eyes are on stalks:
cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/

HopeHopity · 23/12/2018 07:34

@Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh it does not matter. As @AnnaMariaDreams we also had massive issues with weight.
The OP has not given that info and there will be other new mums reading this.
So, as a new mum, if I was told I had to wake to feed because A,B, C and then read other with several "!!!!"
Saying "oh gosh never wake a sleeping baby!" Well you feel like crap and insecure and confused

So you can just ask the OP nicely if there is a particular reason why she is waking rather than the "never" statement. Because "never" rarely works for babies. They have different needs.

mortifiedmama · 23/12/2018 07:34

I found that after 8 weeks, DS only needed boob at night. He didn't need changing and feeding was pretty much all that settled him. So I found it better to have DH sleep through and do more with DS during the day.

Didn't mean I didn't want to murder him in the middle of the night though!

Original poster
PaperHalo · 23/12/2018 07:34

I wake the baby because she is underweight, I’m supposed to do a top up cup feed after every feed too but to be honest it kind of goes out the window st night, I’m exhausted just keeping up with feeds let alone trying to warm a tiny cup of milk and as for getting DD to take it - she hates it! It’s distressing for us both and I guess part of the reason I had hoped for a little more moral support.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 23/12/2018 07:36

Unless he has a job where sleep deprivation could put him or others at risk of an accident he should be doing a decent share of night parenting, which in the early days is often about much more than feeding.

WoH in an ordinary job doesn’t trump your need to recover from birth, maintain your health and take care of your DC well and safely.

Shantotto · 23/12/2018 07:38

I had to wake my baby through the night too, and had to cup and sometimes bottle feed too, and pump alongside the BF! If my DP hasn’t bothered to help I’d have been furious with him, especially when he’s off work! He should definitely be supporting you!

Loopytiles · 23/12/2018 07:42

“never really see the point in sharing nights when bfing (or even sometimes when not). It usually seems more like the mother wanting to share the pain - which I sympathise with - but isn't actually the most efficient way to do things”.

Nice judgment about women wanting fathers to do some parenting at night.

The “mum does it all” model may work with baby DC that don’t need much parenting at night other than feeding, or don’t wake much, and mothers who can maintain good health while doing it all. But many DC need a lot more than milk at night, eg reflux, wakefulness, changing, and many people become exhausted, unwell and more accident prone when sleep deprived.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 23/12/2018 07:43

I never minded the nights, as I am a massive night owl. I hated early mornings so I did all nights and he did all mornings. Worked well for us as even when I had a newborn I never got up before 11 on the weekends. Bliss.

HopeHopity · 23/12/2018 07:44

@PaperHalo I struggled lots and my DH helped through the night

EBF and weight issues. Loads if wakes

My DH helped me lots but I tried to let him rest as he has an active job. I think it would be ideal if he offered more help, particularly on holidays and you could then accept or refuse.

There is not a universal answer to this and I think if you really feel this way then he needs to support you more.

It can take a long time to get better and sleep deprivation is devastating.

I dont think YABU for wanting more help. Doing nights can't compare to anything. And you are exhausted and need to boob and still stay awake 😔
I found that audio books helped me a bit, I used to get such anxiety knowing the endless night was coming

You are not alone OP 💙

agirlhasnonameX · 23/12/2018 07:51

I was in this situation too OP, had to wake DD, was ebf and her dad didn't get up once. I resented him loads tbh, esp when he said he was tired, it drove me nuts.
But in all honestly when I did eventually decide he would get up to do nappy and settle her it wasn't worth my while, waking him up then I'd lie there till she came back to her bed, or id wake up when he brought her back anyway.
I hope he's doing lots of other things to help you out during the day and take advantage of him being off, go for long baths and try and get as much rest between feeds as possible while he looks after the baby.
Was the hardest thing I've ever done but it does get better x

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/12/2018 07:52

I don't really see the point of him being awake too personally as there's nothing he can do to help. I loved the quiet time alone with mine during the night tbh.

However I do think he can look after you during the day, keeping on top of the housework, getting the shopping, doing the cooking etc and letting you go for a nap too.

Thisonewilldo · 23/12/2018 07:53

If it's your first then yss he should be helping - I was BF but would pass DS over after a feed fkr DH to settle on weekends and holidays. Not when he was working as I didn't want him causing an accident on the motorway through sleep deprivation.

With my second I did everything at night because I preferred him nice and rested to deal with both kids during the day and give me some rest then.

lola006 · 23/12/2018 07:59

I didn’t see the point of DH getting up in the night when I was EBF. But I did expect more help in other areas (cooking, cleaning) and at weekends he would take DC so I could have a lie in, or in the day so I could have a long nap.

It’s just figuring out what works for all of you.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 23/12/2018 07:59

My baby was underweight too but no way I would’ve woken her through the night Blush (disclaimer: she’s 3 now and fine still very small but me and OH are petite too so would never have had a big baby). I have a newborn again and OH sleeps on the sofa. The way I see it there is no point us both being exhausted, as it always leads to a row! Can your DH perhaps take the baby down after the morning feed so you can get a few hours? If it is your first baby I can see how you’re feeling though, this is my third so we are much more resigned to our roles now Wink

Lauren83 · 23/12/2018 07:59

If you are EBF I don't think you both need to be up, I don't think you need him up just to settle the baby when you feed it as there's no point you both having broken sleep. I agree whilst he is off work he should be doing more around the house and take baby in the day so you can nap/shower in peace etc

steff13 · 23/12/2018 08:14

I can appreciate the Idea that the night wakings should be shared, but in practice it never made sense to me why we both should be tired. Once we started a bottle and I was back to work, we took turns doing night feeds. But until then, I did them all.

TickleMeEmo · 23/12/2018 08:18

In the early days if DS took a feed after 8pm Id go to bed and try get a some rest while DH cuddled him as he always goes to bed later than I do. DS would then come to me whenever he next needed a feed and I’d begin the night shift. Sometimes I’d only get half hour/45 mins, other times around 2-3 hours. I was still knackered but it did help a wee bit.

Does your DH pull his weight in other ways? After work/weekends/days off etc?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to take a backseat at nights aslong as he is being active parent when not at work.

Surfskatefamily · 23/12/2018 08:20

I gave up. My oh doesnt wake up for baby cries. And if i wake him hes useless and too wobbly. I think hed fall asleep with baby in arms

JiltedJohnsJulie · 23/12/2018 08:25

When you say the baby is underweight, can I ask what’s going on? What was she born at and what does she weigh now?

In your circumstances I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect DH to do at least one cup feed no but there are other things he can do to support you. My DH did very little at night but would have the baby for an hour or two if I asked him. He’d also do any changes at night and did the food shopping and cooking.

I think it’s time for a chat about how tired you feel and what he can do to help Thanks

JiltedJohnsJulie · 23/12/2018 08:27

He did stay up until 1.30 am with the baby didn’t he? So he is doing a fair bit of the night.

seven201 · 23/12/2018 08:27

There's stuff he could be doing to help. Eg changing nappies, poking you so you don't fall asleep while feeding. It's different during a working week, but he's on holiday, he should be helping. Have a chat with him about how you'd like some support during the night. Agree a plan. Good luck. Those first weeks are so hard. My dd also dropped a lot of weight and after 4 weeks I had to start introducing formula twice a day. Not sure if I regret that or not. Parenting is really hard!

HaudYerWheestHen · 23/12/2018 08:33

MY DH works. When we brought our third DC home he put the Moses basket on his side of the bed. I EBF. I asked DH why he was putting DS there and he said, "so I can pass him to you when you've got yourself ready for feeding, why?"
There is lots of things a partner can do when you ebf. We always found that working together sharing the load helped us both get rest because jobs would be done quicker like nappy changes of feeding/winding.
If DH had an early morning shift then I didn't resent doing a night myself and sent him off to the spare bed happily.

whatsnewchoochoo · 23/12/2018 08:35

Yeah sorry I think he should help just for moral support.

My DS is 2 now, still BF at night. I've done all night wakings since he was about 6 months (we now consleep) but as an new parent in those early weeks it was horrific - I needed DH to just hold the baby for 10 mins at 3am while I told space to not loose my mind. There is just something about the shared experience

Ps. Cup of warm milk for the baby? That sounds like odd advice? Warmed breast milk?