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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect him to share the night duties?

110 replies

PaperHalo · 23/12/2018 06:39

First argument for me OH last night!! Out DD is 4 weeks old and OH had just the one week paternity. It’s been just me on the ‘night shift’ pretty much from the get go, he is now of for two weeks over Christmas I thought him being off we would share more of the night stuff... obviously he can’t feed her as I am BF but the settling and changing... he had a solid 8 hours Friday night after being out from lunchtime with him works Christmas do, which is obviously fine but then last night after staying up with her until 01.30 so I could get a 90 mini nap before the next feed he then went to take himself off to sleep in the spare bed room for the rest of the night!! I’m not sure what I want or expected but I had at least thought we might both sleep in the same bed so it’s not just the same old same old me alone in the bed room trying to wake a sleeping baby to feed it with my eyes on stalks trying not to drop the baby when I nod off!!
AIBU? Should he be helping me?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 23/12/2018 18:08

Please use a bottle - cup feeding is hard and if stressing you and baby then pointless

I’m a mn and all the babies I’ve looked after if bf and bottle have NEVER had nipple confusion or wanted bottle more then boob

If baby is underweight /prem/under 7lbs I would wake and feed every 3hrs and express and give top up in bottle

And express and let dad help and give you a rest

Original poster
PaperHalo · 23/12/2018 19:45

DD was 3.17kg at birth and has been stuck at 3kg for around 12 days now. She is still in tiny baby clothes and looks quite skinny but not unwell. She is an alert baby and really quite strong. I’ve been trying to feed every two hours today but we’ve only managed 3 too ups so far. I think she would happily sleep through at night but I’m trying to wake and feed her at least once and then trying to express for the good middle of the night milk but I’m not having much luck with the expressing at the moment - I think it’s becase I’m allowing the whole situation to stress me out :-(

OP posts:
FestiveNut · 23/12/2018 20:19

@blondeshavemorefun my DD had nipple confusion due to early bottle use and had to re-learn her latch (which ended up non-standard, more of a shallow suckle than a deep latch. Thankfully, I have an oversupply issue so she still got enough milk). Nipple confusion is real.

bruise · 23/12/2018 20:26

Bless you. It's really hard isn't it? My second baby was losing weight on the breast and when he wasn't attached to my boob, I was hooked up to my Medela Swing pump (which btw was great). We ended up combination feeding him because I was the walking dead. He had boob most of the day, then I could go to bed early and my husband would stay up and give him a bottle of breast milk or formula - depending on how my day has been with expressing. Then we alternated bottle/boob all night.
Honestly think it's worth trying a bottle and explaining to your husband that he will need to give you some support with it. Just be prepared it might take a bit of trial and error with a few bottles and a bit of practise with paced feeding.

In terms of when my husband helped - when ever he wasn't on shift. He works 5 X 12h nights or days then has 5 off. If your husband works a 9-5 office type job, I would expect help at weekends and some during the week when I was struggling.

It will get better girl, I promise!

Littlemissdaredevil · 23/12/2018 20:27

My baby was jaundiced so wouldn’t wake to feed so I had to wake her. After 5 days of cup top ups I switch to a bottle for top up as we couldn’t get her to take more than 10ml from a cup. DD got back up to birthweight we dropped the top ups and I’m still bf’ing now a year later. I would suggest reading up in paced bottle feeding

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 23/12/2018 20:42

He is being U.Dh had 2 weeks off and did all the night feeds as I had pnd.

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/12/2018 20:42

I did ebf for 6 weeks then I introduced formula as I couldn't take the exhaustion anymore.

Matilda1981 · 23/12/2018 20:43

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, are you bonkers!!

whatsnewchoochoo · 23/12/2018 21:02

In your situation I would definitely introduce a bottle and I would make sure DH was giving it. You must be exhausted (I'll be really honest - personally I would probably introduce formula. Remember EBF- but I know loads of people who combination feed and if I had my time again I'd do that, makes it so much easier when you need to be apart from baby)

MrsStrowman · 23/12/2018 21:07

Expressing didn't really work for me, I'm BF DH has six weeks off work, DS is just over three weeks. DH will get up and make me tea or do a nappy change, but I usually tell him not to, there's no point is both being exhausted. He's more than pulling his weight in other areas though he does pretty much all day time changes and lots of settling, he brings me food and drinks, does most of the housework and laundry, picks up the grocery order etc. I still cook because I like to and it gives me half an hour or so of not being attached to a cluster feeding baby. He also takes over in the mornings and takes baby down stairs so I can sleep and just brings him back to me every couple of hours to feed, then whisks him away again if I'm still tired. I also haven't driven anywhere since I have birth although I'm physically fine to. I think they can share the load in different ways and our way suits us.

MrsStrowman · 23/12/2018 21:14

For everyone saying don't wake a sleeping baby, DS had a severe tongue tie (now snipped) and quite bad jaundice, phototherapy etc needed, we were told by the paediatric registrar to wake him to feed, no more than ever three to the and a half hours. He only ended up losing two percent of birth weight, and had exceeded it by week two, which given how difficult it was to feed him and the hospital keeping us in for five days because they were worried, I'm really pleased about. I've also just about managed to get DS off of bottles and EBF, he couldn't for the first ten days as his tongue tie was so bad (90% restriction). I'm so pleased after being so worried I couldn't feed him and he'd continue to be really poorly, although I am pretty shattered and my nipples are not thanking me...

MrsStrowman · 23/12/2018 21:16

Should've said DS was born at exactly 37 weeks so not prem, but a day earlier and he would've been considered prem... 🤨

bumblingbovine49 · 23/12/2018 21:23

Well I had real.trouble sleeping with ds when he was breast feeding so once a week DH took him into another room from me to sleep and would bring him me to feed when he cried. Then he took him away and changed nappy/ settled him. Ds took ages to settle after a feed which kept me awake so for.me it was so.much easier to get good sleep if DH did all this for me. He only did it on Saturdays though. Other nights he didn't do anything except stay up later with DS while I got a bit of sleep early on. ( He then slept in another room and got his 7 uninterrupted hours)

junebirthdaygirl · 23/12/2018 21:29

For the 2 weeks off l would have him stay up with baby so you can sleep knowing you have no responsibility. Then you do the main part of the night and he gets up early leaving you to rest.
Its a great oppirtunity for you to get a bit of uninterupted sleep.

Starlight456 · 23/12/2018 21:29

My Ds had jaundice so had to be woken to feed. He had to be stripped down to get me through .

Dh did put breast pumps in steriliser he also took Ds down stairs when he woke in a morning so I could get more sleep.

I would also say I gave formula top ups in hospital till my milk kicked in the went onto ebf. Could you try top up with formula. It may reduce some pressure

darceybussell · 23/12/2018 21:34

Get DH to do a shift of a couple of hours when the baby wakes up in the morning so that you can catch up on sleep. Even if he can only do it at the weekend it's better than nothing!

SauvignonBlanche · 23/12/2018 21:36

Sounds like he just doesn’t ‘get it’. DH couldn’t help with night feeds (obviously!) but helped with nappy changes and settling at the weekend or if he was off.

BF Babies may settle better for the non-lactating parent.

goose1964 · 23/12/2018 21:39

My DH offered to help with nights but by the time he'd woken up I'd fed the baby and gone back to sleep

Aquilla · 23/12/2018 21:43

YABU . There's absolutely no point in you both being up at night! He's working and you're surely still at the shuffling round the house devouring Netflix series? And stop waking your baby!!!!

user1471468296 · 23/12/2018 22:04

All these people saying stop waking your baby, do you realise babies end up being hospitalised if they lose too much weight? Underweight babies simply don't wake to be fed, because they have become too fatigued, so they need to get woken to get the calories inside them. What unhelpful advice. We had to cup feed too OP. It's exhausting bfing, cupfeeding AND expressing in the night but it gets better, it really does.

NeptuneNellie · 23/12/2018 22:14

It sounds like you need some good breastfeeding advice OP.
Could you afford to see a lactation consultant privately? A local La Leche league or Breastfeeding Network group? There are also breastfeeding helplines, NCT have one and you don’t have to be a member.
There are also helpful Facebook breastfeeding groups (ukBAPS).
DO wake your baby, obviously as mentioned above, and do be careful about introducing a bottle so soon.
Could your husband learn to cup feed? Then you bf, he cupfeeds and settles while you pump.
Good luck, it does get easier.

NeptuneNellie · 23/12/2018 22:15

Oh and get Baby checked for tongue tie by someone who can cut it (lactation consultant ideally). That could be making baby inefficient at feeding and slowing weight gain

Chardeemacdennis1 · 23/12/2018 22:21

I really don't see the point in partners doing night duties. As others have said better they are well rested so they can do housework and meals and shopping during the day and mum can nap.

Why have two tired parents. You have to be up to feed so you might as well do nappy and settle as well. Sounds like you just want your partner to suffer.

Worsethingshappen · 23/12/2018 22:25

If you are EBF then I don’t see the point in disturbing your husband when you are awake anyway. It seems like doing it just for the sake of it feeling fair. But isn’t it better if one of you is well rested at night and then more able to offer useful support during the day?
I EBF my kids. Wouldn’t only expect my partner to get up at night if I was having a particularly hard time and needed emotional support eg 2 kids upset at once, or worried about sick baby etc

Worsethingshappen · 23/12/2018 22:31

Sorry, for some reason missed some of your posts. So you need to sort out your babies feeding and weight gain don’t you. Get the advice you need from HV/GP/lactation consultant. Continue to feed at night. This sounds stressful so you may we’ll need some encouragement and support some nights. But get good medical advice first!

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