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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect him to share the night duties?

110 replies

PaperHalo · 23/12/2018 06:39

First argument for me OH last night!! Out DD is 4 weeks old and OH had just the one week paternity. It’s been just me on the ‘night shift’ pretty much from the get go, he is now of for two weeks over Christmas I thought him being off we would share more of the night stuff... obviously he can’t feed her as I am BF but the settling and changing... he had a solid 8 hours Friday night after being out from lunchtime with him works Christmas do, which is obviously fine but then last night after staying up with her until 01.30 so I could get a 90 mini nap before the next feed he then went to take himself off to sleep in the spare bed room for the rest of the night!! I’m not sure what I want or expected but I had at least thought we might both sleep in the same bed so it’s not just the same old same old me alone in the bed room trying to wake a sleeping baby to feed it with my eyes on stalks trying not to drop the baby when I nod off!!
AIBU? Should he be helping me?

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 23/12/2018 08:42

Ps. Cup of warm milk for the baby? That sounds like odd advice? Warmed breast milk?

I agree - breast milk is already so warm. When I used to express I couldn’t believe how warm the milk was when it came out of me Grin

QueenofmyPrinces · 23/12/2018 08:47

Not when he was working as I didn't want him causing an accident on the motorway through sleep deprivation.

I have always found this argument quite odd because what about the mother who may have to drive around in the car with the baby in the back?

What if she has to drive to medical apotments? Or has to drive to the supermarket because otherwise there’s no food in the house? What if she has to drive to to a school to pick up other children?

Why is it ok for her to drive around on zero sleep yet the father should never be expected to do such a risky thing?

FestiveNut · 23/12/2018 08:56

You're doing the right thing by feeding in the night, OP. It's easier when they're older as you can feed them without waking them. It's a tough age but it does get better. Flowers

Poloshot · 23/12/2018 08:58

If he's staying up late with the baby, go to bed as early as you can then let him sleep in the night when there's not much he can do anyway due to BF

mortifiedmama · 23/12/2018 08:59

Ps. Cup of warm milk for the baby? That sounds like odd advice? Warmed breast milk?

I'm assuming milk expressed earlier in the day then refrigerated so needs to be warmed or baby won't take it as used to boob-hot milk.

Biancadelriosback · 23/12/2018 09:24

FFs some people on here!

Yes it's fine to wake a sleeping baby if the doctors tell you to.

OP, yes your DH should be helping out more. When DS was small he was on 2 hour feeds for jaundice and to keep his weight up (he was very prem and tube fed at first). He also suffered from reflux quite badly so after each half hour feed he needed to be kept upright for half an hour. As you can guess, I didn't get much sleep! DH would take a few night shifts, he would position DS so he could feed and I could sleep/doze, then he would sit with him for half an hour so I could sleep more. It worked really well! And on night when DS just didn't want to sleep or feed, dH would stay up with him until 11pm, then we would swap until 5am so I could sleep 7-11pm and 5-7am uninterrupted.

Everyone was tired but its called sharing the burden. No way would DH have just took himself off and left me exhausted.

timeisnotaline · 23/12/2018 09:30

I’d wake a skinny baby to feed.
It doesn’t take 2 people to do the nights and be exhausted during the day.
Actually yes it does sometimes. I have terrible sleepers and if my husband weren’t helping with the second I’d show him the door. I still find it hard thinking how he let me struggle through months of a few hours of fragmented sleep a night. This way he’s a bit tired for work but I’m not psychotic and hating his guts. That’s his baby too I’m walking the halls with every few hours!

timeisnotaline · 23/12/2018 09:31

Also ebf by the way. But if your dh is on holidays he could bring the baby over once a night so you hardly have to wake up.!

tinysnickersaremyfavourite · 23/12/2018 09:36

@paperhalo
I'm a breastfeeding peer supporter. In a normal healthy baby of this age there would be no need to wake them at night for a feed. However, if you have been advised to wake them by a medical professional due to slow weight gain then please continue until they advise you otherwise.

I'm wondering, is there a reason you are using a cup to top up? It might be easier to use a bottle unless there is a specific reason you are avoiding one.

It may also be worth looking into an sns. This is a tiny tube that tapes to your breast by your nipple so that baby effectively takes the top up at the same time as the normal breastfeed. It can be a littlw faffy to set up but would avoid the cup feeds which seems to be stressful for you and baby.

MimiSunshine · 23/12/2018 10:12

As youve been advised to keep to regular night feeds I would suggest you carry on (I’m also a bf peer supporter).
However how often are you waking baby and how often would they wake on their own?
It maybe you could stretch it out a bit over night if you’re trying to wake up every couple of hours.

With regards to nappy changes etc. In all honesty although you get told to change after every feed, there really is no need.
Unless nappy is heavy with wee or baby has poo’d then just leave it and go back to sleep.

As others have said, it’s really not worth you both being up in the night unless really necessary and it’s often more hassle than it’s worth to wake the bloke up and hand baby over. You’ll likely not be asleep when they’re getting back in bed or get woken up anyway.

What he can do however is get up early when baby wakes and take them downstairs, bring them back for a feed and then off you again.
Same at night, you feed, go to bed. Baby stays downstairs until dad is ready for bed then they both come up.

He can also be the one to do all cup feeding while he’s off. Baby is likely to be a reluctant drinker on that score because it’s you trying to give it to them. They are right next to your boob when you’re holding them and know the difference so will refuse it.

Confusedbeetle · 23/12/2018 10:23

It is tough but you should suck it up. It does not last forever. Your baby is only 4 weeks old and needs you and your breasts, feed your baby on demand, never wake for a feed. There is absolutely no point in two people being short of sleep, what would you gain? It will get easier.
Hope, there are times when a baby might need waking ON MEDICAL advice. One reason is jaundice and another is excessive weight loss. If a baby is healthy and thriving then no, do not wake. The feeding will not go well and the baby will not develop good feeding habits. Everyone will be knackered. The advice you were given was right for your baby to disperse the jaundice

hammeringinmyhead · 23/12/2018 10:37

DS is breastfed (7 weeks). I do 2 night feeds and DH wakes for one to go and change his nappy and usually offers a cuppa. Sometimes though if DH is sound asleep I pop up and do it myself. It is massively helpful not to feel completely alone in the middle of the night.

DrWhy · 23/12/2018 10:47

I read your OP and came on to say, don’t wake the baby. Get DH to do late night and the mornings and you go to sleep early and have a lie in to catch up - no point in both of you being shattered. However, having read your updates it’s clearly not that simple in your case, the baby needs to be woken and fed including a cup feed and you are likely also expressing. It would be helpful if he got the baby up, changed it to wake it fully then did the cup feed once you have fed. That way all you have to do is the actual feeding every couple of hours. That would actually be worse broken sleep for him then, because he’d be up both ends of each feed. So I’d probably do that alternate nights and give him unbroken or less broken sleep the other nights so you aren’t both tired and snappy. You need to find a system that works for you and your family though.
I have a 6 week old DD and a 2 year old DS who doesn’t sleep through. DH and I are running a vague system when I deal with the baby and he deals with the toddler but when I have a bad night with her - 5 hours broken sleep or less he takes both of them in the morning and let’s me sleep another hour or two. If I have a good night I take them both and let him get a solid 8 hours so then when I cry, snap and rant at him out of exhaustion he is well rested and has the patience to take it rather than it becoming a fight. However our situation is massively different to yours as DD doesn’t have to be woken and there’s no faffing with cups.
So yes it should be fairer but only you and he can really work out what that should look like for you.

Thisonewilldo · 23/12/2018 10:47

"Why is it ok for her to drive around on zero sleep yet the father should never be expected to do such a risky thing?"

Em, because he is driving at 70mph on a motorway? Then working all day and having to be on the ball for that and then again driving home on the motorway.

He doesn't work Mondays now and I do, so do I f*ck do any Sunday night wakings.

I will never understand why dads are expected to be up all night with babies when they have work the next day? I wouldn't.

We have already agreed if we have no.3 then we will bottle feed and share mat leave and I guarantee I will not be doing night feeds mid week when back at work.

QueenofmyPrinces · 23/12/2018 10:59

I will never understand why dads are expected to be up all night with babies when they have work the next day? I wouldn't.

I’m up a lot with the baby during the night and then have to go to work the next day. So does my DH. It’s called parenting. Being at work the next day doesn’t meant absolvement of dealing with a baby.

As another poster has said, there’s no way on this Earth my husband would have just left me to get on with it all it whilst he slept in the next room.

However, everyone will have a different opinion on the matter, there are trains of thought and neither are wrong or right. Different things works for different people so as long as both parties are happy with it then it makes no difference what anyone does.

The problem though is when one party isn’t happy with it, as in the OP’s case, and then a solution needs to be found.

llangennith · 23/12/2018 11:07

My DC are all grown up and I know things change but can someone explain to me why a baby needs a cup feed in the night? It sounds a real hassle trying to get a baby to drink from a cup. Why not a top up bottle feed?

nutellanom · 23/12/2018 11:13

@llangennith Cups often used for BF babies so that they don't develop a preference for a bottle.

PerditaMacleod · 23/12/2018 11:33

It depends what works for you both. After paternity leave finished, I insisted that my DH sleep in the spare room until the baby moved into her own room at 6 months - which we were both very happy with. Like others, I didn't see the point of both of us being exhausted and I was less stressed in the night if I knew DH wasn't being disturbed. If he could hear that we were having a bad night and DD wouldn't settle of course he would come in and help.
He has always done a lot of stuff around the house during the day and he would often take the baby at 8pm so I could go and sleep for a couple of hours before starting the night shift, and also he'd take her on weekend mornings so I could sleep in.
I think as long as it balances out somehow and he is supporting you enough at other times, I wouldn't insist on him being up all night too - IMO anyway.

Eliza9917 · 23/12/2018 11:41

Why would you wake the baby? If they are hungry they'll wake up.

I also don't see the point in you both getting up if you are ebf, correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you want him to get up, wake/bring the baby, you feed then he change and settle baby? That's a bit ridiculous imo and I'm all for everyone pulling equal weight.

If you want him to do his share he'll have to do it elsewhere with other household/baby tasks or is pumping so he can sometimes feed an option?

FestiveNut · 23/12/2018 12:05

@Eliza9917 RTFT. Her baby is underweight and she's following the guidance of her hcp.

Loopytiles · 23/12/2018 12:48

It’s not “help” or “support”, it’s parenting! And night parenting is often about more than feeding.

Original poster
PaperHalo · 23/12/2018 13:25

We are cup feeding under advice from the HV. They say cup avoids confusion when breastfeeding. But it is so stressful for us both, we’re already behind as I’ve abandoned twice due to her getting so upset, would a bottle be such a bad thing?

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 23/12/2018 15:16

@PaperHalo no a bottkexwoukdnt be such a bad thing. Try it out, BUT be prelared for the fact that bottles arent miracle cures.
My baby was an absolute refuser of the bottle.

Nothing would make her take it BUT lots of babies are happily combination fed so start off with DH giving it to her while you’re out of the room and not when she’s really hungry.

Has baby been assessed for tongue tie?

eddiemairswife · 23/12/2018 15:40

Well it's nice to hear at last, that there is usually no need for two people to be awake in order to feed and change a baby.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 23/12/2018 17:53

@PaperHalo when you say she’s underweight, how much does she weigh? Is she tracking her centiles?

Have you spoken to a BFC about her weight? The Helpline Numbers are here Smile