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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No sex for 6 years - Aibu?

110 replies

Flakeyface · 22/12/2018 19:35

It’s not an ‘ interesting first post or the school holidays’ It’s my sad life.
DH and I haven’t shagged for 6 years. He went off sex shortly after we married and we’ve been through doctors therapists etc. He just doesn’t like sex. He admits he’s just used it to get love in the past.
Meanwhile my self esteem is in tatters and I’m climbing the walls with frustration. We sleep in separate beds and physical contact is completely gone as he fears it will lead to sex.
We’ve just got back from a really nice holiday together and it was the final straw for me. We got on so well.
I don’t know what to do but I really want sex. I’ve broached the idea of me quietly going elsewhere but he hates the idea and it would be the end of us.
I feel like if I say ‘shag me or I go elsewhere’ it’s a bit needy ( a lot needy’ and actually a bit coersive?
Is it? Am I being abusive?
He’s not depressed/I’ll/ addicted to porn/ having an affair/ got low testosterone and We do love each other.
WTF should I do?

OP posts:
digitallyremastered · 22/12/2018 19:40

Before you married he was interested enough presumably?
I really feel for you. Can you imagine this is it? Will this cause growing resentment? It is an incredibly lonely way to live for the spouse who wants a physical relationship and yes destructive to self-esteem (I speak from experience...it was ten years). It isn't needy.
Have you got children?

ISdads · 22/12/2018 19:40

Only you can decide for you

Me - I would leave. Or have an affair. But probably leave, as an affair would not be enough.

Forgotmycoat · 22/12/2018 19:41

Wow. 6 years. That's incredible. You need to leave for the sake of your mental health if nothing else. You deserve better op. Sorry I don't have anything helpful to add. Your post made me quite emotional.
I've lived without sex for a long time due to my abusive marriage ending. And it is lonely and demoralizing. Xx

Wittow · 22/12/2018 19:41

Gosh that must be really difficult.

You're going to have to go for some couples counselling to get to the bottom of things aren't you? Have you asked him what he thinks the issue is for him?

Do you have any physical affection at all, cuddles on the sofa? kissing?

ElspethFlashman · 22/12/2018 19:43

Sorry but you're being a mug. He isn't disabled, he's just decided your life for you and you seem to have let him.

notapizzaeater · 22/12/2018 19:43

Wow, that must be so hard, do you want kids ? Do you ever talk about it properly ?

whyhaveidonethis · 22/12/2018 19:44

I was in an almost exact situation with my currently estranged husband. He just didn't want sex. He is one of my best friends and I know he loves me deeply but he describes himself as asexual. He has no interest in sex at all. We had sex only when I instigated it and it made my self esteem drop through the floor. In the end I told him that he either had sex with me or I would find it elsewhere. He didn't and so I had an affair. He found out about it and we are now separated and I'm with my lover. It's a horrible situation to be in. I've no advice but wanted to show some support.

Original poster
Flakeyface · 22/12/2018 19:45

No cuddles or handholding. We’ve had therapy several times he just doesn’t like sex apparently. My aibu is if I give ultimatums is it coersive?
Sort yourself out or I go/ go elsewhere?

OP posts:
JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 22/12/2018 19:45

Im in a very similar situation although its 10 years with sex a handful of times a year. He is a lovely man and l9vely dad to the kids and genuinely seems happy with companionship.

It tears me up inside though as i crave intimacy. Im not convinced my life would be better if we divorced though. Financially or practically

ExFury · 22/12/2018 19:46

I find it very out of order if he’s openly admitting he pretended to enjoy it to get to the point of marriage with you. That’s very deceitful. And now he thinks that because you’re now his wife your wishes are irrelevant? I couldn’t live like that forever.

RightOcciputAnterior · 22/12/2018 19:47

Same happened to me. He totally failed to engage with any and all attempts to fix our marriage. I started having affairs, fell in love with my second affair partner, left, and am now blissfully happy with a much more compatible husband with a libido as big as mine. I regret not leaving my first husband before I started shagging around. If I were you, if he won't engage in any counselling/attempts to fix things, I'd leave.

OnlineAlienator · 22/12/2018 19:47

And how much housework do you do? Wink

Personally, i wouldnt be able to cope and would leave. Fair enough he doesnt want sex and oc he shouldnt be forced, but he must also accept that he cant force a life devoud of it on someone else unwilling. He needs to find a fellow asexual.

Allthewaves · 22/12/2018 19:47

Your living half a life. Time to leave.

BringOnTheScience · 22/12/2018 19:47

Have you considered that he's just asexual? Some people are straight, some are gay, some are Bi, and some are Ace.
AVEN has info & support www.asexuality.org

My DC1 is Ace.

Lazypuppy · 22/12/2018 19:47

Why does he think that any physical contact would lead to sex?

Lifeofsmiley · 22/12/2018 19:49

The fact he went off it after you got married, did he do it before just so you would marry him?
I would leave. The sex I could do without but living with someone with no physical contact at all, handholding,cuddling etc I couldn’t live with.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2018 19:49

He just doesn’t like sex. He admits he’s just used it to get love in the past

This bit strikes me as rather manipulative.

OP I don’t think you would be unreasonable at all to suggest you want a healthy sexual relationship or the marriage is over. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible.

JennyOnAPlate · 22/12/2018 19:49

You need to leave him op. Life is way too short to live without affection. It isn't good for your mental health.

Original poster
Flakeyface · 22/12/2018 19:51

Possibly because I’m a ball of prent up frustration

OP posts:
slashlover · 22/12/2018 19:52

Sounds like he might be asexual which means you wont be able to change him. He lied to you until you were married, which is unforgivable, and I say that as an asexual person.

You need to decide if you can go the rest of your life without sex. If he's asexual then it's nothing you've done and it's not about you. (It's like feeling bad that a gay guy doesn't want to sleep with you.) TBH, the fact that he deceived you until you got married would be enough for me to think about leaving.

ShatnersWig · 22/12/2018 19:53

I relate to this OP. I'm you and my ex was your husband. Sex gradually dropped off after I moved in with her. Eventually she said what your husband did - never really liked sex, more or less used it to get me. I foolishly stayed for another 6 years with no sex although we did share a bed. Buggered up my self esteem. I was 36 and decided I wasn't prepared to spend the rest of my life like this.

Unfortunately that was 8 years ago. I did leave but have been single since. Part of me sometimes thinks I should have stayed as I get incredibly lonely but it was more lonely lying next to someone who loves you but doesn't want to touch you. I was right to leave but in many ways I wish we'd never met at all.

SexNotJenga · 22/12/2018 19:54

So he tricked you into marriage?

Would you have married him if you'd known he was only pretending to like sex and would unilaterally withdraw all physical affection and tell you you couldn't get it elsewhere and this would be the rest of your life?
Didn't think so. I wouldn't've either.

Sorry, OP. He's deceitful and selfish and you're fundamentally incompatible.

You don't have to be coercive. It wouldn't work anyway. Would a half hearted duty fuck really be an acceptable replacement for some finding you irresistibly sexy and beautiful? And he could go and find a woman who doesn't want sex either. Then he might be happier too.

M1dnightMadnesss · 22/12/2018 19:57

6 years he is not going to change. I think that you already know that the holiday was the end. You don't need to live an unhappy life. New year, new life, start making plans

gimmeadoughnut123 · 22/12/2018 19:58

The fact that he won't even hold hands is weird. It sounds almost like he has a phobia of contact

Cuddling, kissing, handholding and sex are all normal parts of a relationship and marriage. 6 years is a very long time and I'm not surprised it has left your relationship in bits. It sounds like he has pushed you away and you're considering going to somebody else which says quite a lot.

If you go to somebody else you will likely separate in the end. So you just need to think about what sort of relationship you have with him and what sort of relationship you want.

JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 22/12/2018 20:00

If you dont have kids Id go elsewhere. Im too tied in but in many ways wish Id married someone who liked sex. Im over the moon to have our kids though, and he's nice to spend time with, hes loyal etc. Just one of those things, we cant have it all.

But. Sigh...