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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No sex for 6 years - Aibu?

110 replies

Flakeyface · 22/12/2018 19:35

It’s not an ‘ interesting first post or the school holidays’ It’s my sad life.
DH and I haven’t shagged for 6 years. He went off sex shortly after we married and we’ve been through doctors therapists etc. He just doesn’t like sex. He admits he’s just used it to get love in the past.
Meanwhile my self esteem is in tatters and I’m climbing the walls with frustration. We sleep in separate beds and physical contact is completely gone as he fears it will lead to sex.
We’ve just got back from a really nice holiday together and it was the final straw for me. We got on so well.
I don’t know what to do but I really want sex. I’ve broached the idea of me quietly going elsewhere but he hates the idea and it would be the end of us.
I feel like if I say ‘shag me or I go elsewhere’ it’s a bit needy ( a lot needy’ and actually a bit coersive?
Is it? Am I being abusive?
He’s not depressed/I’ll/ addicted to porn/ having an affair/ got low testosterone and We do love each other.
WTF should I do?

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 22/12/2018 20:30

I bet hes gay.
I'd leave him Op, your wasting your life.

jasmine1971 · 22/12/2018 20:32

OP I think this is a lot more common than people think, sadly. Having been married for nearly 20 years, I can almost count the number of times my husband has been intimate with me. Fortunately it has resulted in 3 wonderful children but I feel bereft at what might have been, cheated and emotionally neglected.
I feel for you. Only you can do what is right for you, but I would argue that everyone has the right to feel loved and cherished within a marriage.

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 22/12/2018 20:38

I don't want to sound wrong here but is there a possibility he might be gay? But he is just with you because that's how society usually sees it "normality". Sorry you are going through this! That's so tough. Married couples shouldn't ever have to sleep in separate beds!

stabulous · 22/12/2018 20:49

Oh for gods sake - asexuality exists, stop erasing it by implying he might be gay! Even if he IS gay it's still unreasonable for her to stay in a sexless marriage, and a gay bloke probably wouldn't give a shit if she went and sex elsewhere.

Christ onna bike. 🙄

thighofrelief · 22/12/2018 21:02

Many, many long term marriages turn into friendships and child rearing partnerships though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2018 21:09

An ultimatum won’t work. He doesn’t want to have sex with you. You don’t want to have sex with someone who’s not interested.

I’d leave. I couldn’t have left it so long. But you have the rest of your life ahead of you to find someone who wants what you want and to be happy.

Almostfifty · 22/12/2018 21:14

Go, while you're still young enough to want and find someone else.

cantbeatfreshsheets · 22/12/2018 21:38

I sympathise with you. You shouldn't be expected to live in such a way which makes you unhappy. I'm in the same boat. Haven't left yet as I'm pregnant and have a DC already but I plan to. I'm gathering paperwork. Figured I'd get through Xmas and get my baby here safely in March I have told him but he refuses to believe. I saw this picture and this is how withdrawing sex makes me feel.

It's basically cruelty. Can't understand how anyone would want to deliberately subject someone to this kind of hurt but like you ok also on the receiving end. I've decided to take control. I can live without sex and intimacy for now. I see the bigger picture and. It won't be forever. For now I will concentrate on my babies and getting out.

Good luck xx

No sex for 6 years - Aibu?
showmeshoyu · 22/12/2018 21:39

You need to make a clean, honest break. He's not up for an open relationship and it's entirely unreasonable to expect somebody to go for over half a decade with no sex... not only that but no other affection. Whatever his problem is, you can't solve it and you're wasting your most precious resource, your life. Please do both of you a favor and end it amicably if possible and find your joy or whatever else lurks out there.

UhUhUhDennis · 22/12/2018 21:43

He's definitely gay.

Move on OP

Bythebeach · 22/12/2018 21:43

Many, many long term marriages turn into friendships and child rearing partnerships though
Indeed - and whilst for some relationships that is mutually acceptable, for others it causes loads of issues when sex drives become mismatched. And at least in those relationships the sex didn’t stop straight after marriage. By saying the above, thighofrelief, you’re minimising the trap the OP is in. I’ve been with my DH though 15 years and 3 kids and sex is still important to us. Yes it may wane with age etc but we would both have cheated out of years of intimacy and reinforced physical connection if we’d been celibate from marriage and said “oh well, that’s what most long term relationships come to!” More importantly, it doesn’t matter what happens in other relationships, the OP feels frustrated and needy in hers which is a deeply unpleasant way to live.

busybarbara · 22/12/2018 21:46

If you need sex then he is, with the greatest of respect, being wholly unreasonable

No one NEEDS sex, it's a want, you won't die without it. Of course, if you want sex enough to split up over it, get on with splitting up as it clearly isn't going to get any better.

showmeshoyu · 22/12/2018 21:50

No one NEEDS sex, it's a want, you won't die without it
But lack of it is so psychologically damaging to some people, it is desperately close to a need. Sure you'd be alive, but miserable.

SunnyCoco · 22/12/2018 22:02

Honestly I think you need to leave. It’s been 6 years, it’s not going to change. Don’t let 6 years become 10, 15, 20 years of this.
Get out and give yourself another chance at a happy relationship.

He may have some deep seated trauma, medical issues, be gay, be asexual, or any number of things. In the end though, the fact is you are not sexually compatible and you need to decide if you want this for the rest of your life.

tinselduck · 22/12/2018 22:04

I have a high sex drive (more than DH) and couldn't cope. Masturbation only helps relieve frustration a little bit.

No one should feel pressured into having sex, but equally, no one should expect their partner to completely do without it.

Grumpos · 22/12/2018 22:05

Your husband doesn’t want to have sex but he doesn’t want you to go elsewhere for the intimacy and satisfaction you crave. He has chosen to live without sex, which is fine, but he has imposed that choice on you, which you’re not fine with. It also sounds like there is a level of deception here too, possible undisclosed asexuality on your husbands side? Nothing wrong with that - but only if both people understand and accept it from the outset.
Lots of people say “life is too short” to live in an unhappy situation but I always think ‘life is long’.... you could live the rest of your days frustrated, resentful, self esteem in tatters and craving human touch. Those days are going to feel very long and lonely.
I would leave, find what you need and let your husband find what he needs also. Sad but would be better in the long run.

LogicMakesSense · 22/12/2018 22:17

I think it's a miserable way to live, no form of affection would be a deal breaker for me.

I wouldn't recommend going elsewhere-even with his blessing as that's just asking for trouble but you should definitely consider how important it is to you and act accordingly. It's not selfish, it's not manipulative it's simply saying life is too short to feel rejected and your feelings matter too.

StoppinBy · 22/12/2018 22:23

I think he is being incredibly selfish.

He doesn't want sex and you both have worked hard to 'improve' that so now of course you need to respect his feelings (and from the sound of it you are?).

He should also respect that while he is happy to be celibate you are not and allow you to seek that out somewhere else.

I think at this point an ultimatum is more than fair, you have reached a stalemate where you either live unhappily or sneak behind his back to have sex - I highly doubt that you want to sneak around trying not to get caught.

slashlover · 22/12/2018 22:26

OP I don't know your age but it's been six years, can you see yourself being in this position for the next 30, 40, 50 or 60 years?

showmeshoyu · 22/12/2018 22:30

at this point an ultimatum is more than fair

I don't think it's even an ultimatum. He will not have any kind of intimacy... this should be an end, no discussion, no chances, it's pointless now. You don't come back from six years with no intimacy at all. IMHO that is.

Missingstreetlife · 22/12/2018 22:33

Does he have some mental, emotional or neurological problem? You are not coercing, which would be wrong, just saying you can't continue.
There are more ways to feel close than sex, which you can sort yourself out for. If you are also starved of affection and closeness I don't see how the relationship can last.

Forgotmycoat · 22/12/2018 22:37

Op why bother with an ultimatum? He could promise to address his issues and drag his feet forever. He is invested in keeping you in this relationship, he's put in a huge amount of work to get you by deceiving you.
How much longer are you prepared to wait?
Just go. Please. No one should live like this.

Joey7t8 · 22/12/2018 22:42

I have a high sex drive (more than DH) and couldn't cope. Masturbation only helps relieve frustration a little bit

Definitely. It helps as a pressure relief valve for the physical need, but it doesn’t provide the mental release that intimacy provides.

Living without sex when you’re single is far easier than being in a sexless relationship.

Missingstreetlife · 22/12/2018 22:44

masters and Johnson (sex therapy, see relate) would suggest a ban on sex so no one feels pressure or disappointment, and build up intimacy in other ways. I do think if one party constantly chases then the other runs. Might be worth backing off completely for a while, in the hope of him being less scared of ordinary human contact, but this feels pretty entrenched.

CrazyToast · 22/12/2018 22:49

It's not coercive or an ultimatum if you frame it just as you being honest about your needs and what you need from your relationship. He can't say 'no sex' but also tell you that you just have to put up with that, its not fair.

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