No sex for 6 years - Aibu?

[Flakeyface]

It’s not an ‘ interesting first post or the school holidays’ It’s my sad life.
DH and I haven’t shagged for 6 years. He went off sex shortly after we married and we’ve been through doctors therapists etc. He just doesn’t like sex. He admits he’s just used it to get love in the past.
Meanwhile my self esteem is in tatters and I’m climbing the walls with frustration. We sleep in separate beds and physical contact is completely gone as he fears it will lead to sex.
We’ve just got back from a really nice holiday together and it was the final straw for me. We got on so well.
I don’t know what to do but I really want sex. I’ve broached the idea of me quietly going elsewhere but he hates the idea and it would be the end of us.
I feel like if I say ‘shag me or I go elsewhere’ it’s a bit needy ( a lot needy’ and actually a bit coersive?
Is it? Am I being abusive?
He’s not depressed/I’ll/ addicted to porn/ having an affair/ got low testosterone and We do love each other.
WTF should I do?

I think you probably have to leave; if you gave an ultimatum and he started having sex with you I doubt you’d feel good about it and I’m not sure an affair is the answer.
It also sounds like he kept up a pretence until you married which I’d be uncomfortable about

That's really tough - and I also relate to it.

When you got married you promised fidelity, not chastity. What he is saying to you (I'm not wanting you to sleep with anyone else) is that your body belongs to him, whether he wants it or not.

It isn't fair and I think you are totally within your right to seek sex elsewhere if it is never going to happen in your marriage.

So he didn’t enjoy sex with other women either? Has he ever slept with a man? It’s statistically more likely he’s gay than asexual.

This is such a difficult one. I had an amazing boyfriend from 17 years old. We had great sex life until something happened (I won't go into details but it was a parent issue) that meant we could no longer sleep in the same bed until we were married. We got married. We had sex twice I think in the first 18 months (once on our honeymoon). The issue that had arisen totally put me off sex and I fell out of love with him very quickly. I ended our marriage when I realised that there was no way back. He was so so lovely but it wasn't recoverable and I have no regrets in that respect. I have a friend who has been married for 18 years and hasn't had sex for the last 10. He's a bloke. He's not strayed. He wants to leave. However, he stays because of the stigma of it all. I think it's a bloody tragedy. He's young, attractive, as is his wife, and they both deserve better. This is not a life you want to live OP! I can't tell you what to do and wouldn't but a relationship with no sex and one that points to just companionship for years ahead is not what you want, it appears. I've sort of been there and I think you should end it. It's kinder for you both in the longer run. I don't envy you at all though. Such a difficult thing to face

Not coercive. You are allowed to be unhappy with this set up and willing to leave as a consequence.

You don't have a husband, you have a roommate. Stop wasting your life.

It isn't coercive to ask someone for physical contact that is a perfectly normal and a very healthy part of a marriage. You' shouldn't even have to ask.

I think you need to move on, he's got issues and they are making you miserable.

Why did he go off sex? If you did have sex until after marriage, what changed? Or was he forcing himself to do something he didn’t want to until you were married - in which case he effectively tricked you into a sexless marriage. Fine for him to be asexual, not fine for him to lead you to believe otherwise until shortly after marriage.

Regardless of how nice he is, you are missing out and can do better - find someone just as lovely who likes sex and affection too. And let him find someone more suited to him - if he actually loves you, he must feel pretty awful that he can’t fulfil any of your physical needs and leaves you miserable and frustrated.

OP I was you... & I went a stonking 12.5yrs without sex!! It drove me absolutely fucking bonkers - all intimacy was lost. He just wasn't interested. On the crap advice of some MNrs I told him if this was it then I wanted an open relationship so I could get my needs met elsewhere. He went fucking mental & told me 'If you truly love me & you meant your marriage vows, you'll stay faithful & celibate by my side'. I just couldn't do it. I was utterly, utterly miserable. Over time, with MN help I began to see how coercive my relationship was. I'm now divorced & I have freedom to breathe. I'd have to say your relationship is over, it's just that it might take some time for you to truly accept this & begin proceedings. Start gathering paperwork while you work up the nerve.

So he’s decided he doesn’t want sex again and your not allowed it either?!
What an incredibly selfish , self centred man .
Your allowed to leave tou don’t have to accept his terms or live this life 💐

He has been incredibly unfair. He's tricked you into marriage, then wants to keep you as a celibate prisoner. Aren't you angry?

It's easy to say "leave", but what else can you do?

I think he's been a selfish manipulative shit quite frankly.

As such I wouldn't be making any ultimatums whatsoever - I'd just leave.

He "put up" not just with sex, but basic intimacy to "snare" you into being his live in companion - then withdrew these things without concern for your well being and happiness.

Yes you could seek sexual gratification elsewhere, but that wouldn't cut it for me - even if he "allowed it" (again note him controlling your life not just his own).

The thing that would probably hurt me most is the day to day lack of any physical affection. I just couldn't live like that.

Having a hug from DH, holding his hand, us both seeing each other after work and greeting with a kiss, a cuddle before sleep, lying next to each other on the sofa watching a movie etc

I'd rather live alone than with someone who didn't want to ever touch me.

He's perfectly entitled to make choices about his own sexuality and body, but when he married you he make a commitment that he's not fulfilling that and expecting you to abide by "rules" that had you foreseen you'd never have agreed to.

Leave OP and don't waste any more of your life on a man you're not compatible with and has lied to you.

OP, how was his attitude towards sex before you was married?

Personally, I think a marriage is for life.
However, the marriage needs balance and has to stand on a firm foundation. I believe that until physically unable, that includes sex too. He is neglecting your needs. Does it physically or mentally hurt him to have sex? If not, he is unfairly withholding something meant for marriage. If he is unable to shift regarding this, then I would be leaving.

Sex is not the be all and end all. My dh had major surgery over 20 years ago and has been unable to have sex since. I was in my late twenties, he was in his mid thirties. It was heartbreaking, but we are still together and although it is hard I have never considered having an affair. I married him for better or worse and don’t see lack of sex as a reason to go back on this.

It is actually easier to just be alone than to live wondering why he isn't interested.
To the pp who went 12.5 years...finally someone who endured it even longer than me. I am so glad I got out although it wasn't the only problem.

I married him for better or worse and don’t see lack of sex as a reason to go back on this

A medical issue is VERY different from deliberate deception.

For some people sex is very important. For others less so. Neither is wrong.

YANBU for seeking physical intimacy, it’s not the most important part of a relationship but it’s significant.
What throws me about your OP is he won’t share a bed in case it leads to sex, does that mean he still feels desire and is trying to keep it at bay?

It must be so hard, but if you’ve had therapy with no success and you haven’t reached any progress I don’t know where you can go from here.

If he’s asexual then that’s ok, but it’s also ok for you to want sex in your marriage. Uou are not needy for wanting it. Unfortunately, it does suggest you two are not compatible and can’t get past this.

What would you say to a friend in the same situation? I bet it would be to leave.

Personally, if it suited me more I’d stay in the marriage but look for a lover. He can’t expect you to want to stay in a sexless and emotionally dead marriage. If that wouldn’t work for you, I’d leave and stratyour life again. He’s been incredibly selfish and manipulative and I would be so angry with him. OP, you are worthy of a good sex life and a relationship with someone who can bear to touch you. Strat building your own life now in whichever way suits you, you owe him nothing.

Sorry but I would be out of there. Sex is too important

Bur Chucky do you still have intimacy? You can have intimacy without sex. A marriage with no sex and no intimacy is a hollow hell.

I’ve broached the idea of me quietly going elsewhere but he hates the idea and it would be the end of us.

If you need sex then he is, with the greatest of respect, being wholly unreasonable and coercive (he's running a very odd script in his head if he thinks otherwise or attempts to persuade you that this isn't coercion). Has he discussed acceptable options with you other than allowing you both to be governed by his wishes in this matter?

Do you want to part? Are you otherwise content in almost every other area of your life?

Are there any other arrangements that might work for you? I know some people in polyamorous relationships and it seems to suit some people and not others (unsurprisingly).

Or, do you want to be married to someone who wants to sustain what most people mean by a marriage? If so, then there are decisions to make about your partner and some wretchedly-difficult conversations but that's because you're a respectful adult, not somebody taking a unilateral decision without consultation.

Oh for goodness sake, please leave. He's manipulated you into a relationship that suits him but that makes you really unhappy. Divorce him and start life afresh with someone who finds you fabulously attractive, and who can't keep his hands off you. Your DH is a selfish sod. Asexual people shouldn't marry, or if they do, they should allow their spouse the freedom to have sex with other people. Are you sure he's not gay and so far in the closet he doesn't realise he's in Narnia?

Chucky with all due respect I think your situation is very different.

The OP is not talking about someone unable to have sex, but someone who simply doesn't want it and furthermore no intimacy whatsoever.

Equally this person entered a marriage having led her to believe that both sex and intimacy would be part of the deal.

Circumstances change and if for some reason DH could not longer have sex, I wouldn't leave him. I would still expect a degree of marital integrity however - whatever was physically possible.

Staying in a marriage where something promised is withdrawn is very different from staying in a marriage where an aspect of the relationship is lost through circumstances beyond someone's control.

Chucky, sorry about your husband. It's different, though. He presumably didn't want this or trick you into it.

Pressuring someone into sex is coercive, yes. However you have made it clear that you are unhappy, and he has made it clear he doesn't want sex. He seems to expect you to spend the rest of your life with him sexless and that's not okay for you. You mentioned going elsewhere for it (openly not an affair) and he doesn't agree - but this essentially means you're being cornered into an unhappy sexless marriage.

I think you already know you need to separate. You will only grow more resentful, or end up having an affair.