No sex for 6 years - Aibu?

[Flakeyface]

It’s not an ‘ interesting first post or the school holidays’ It’s my sad life.
DH and I haven’t shagged for 6 years. He went off sex shortly after we married and we’ve been through doctors therapists etc. He just doesn’t like sex. He admits he’s just used it to get love in the past.
Meanwhile my self esteem is in tatters and I’m climbing the walls with frustration. We sleep in separate beds and physical contact is completely gone as he fears it will lead to sex.
We’ve just got back from a really nice holiday together and it was the final straw for me. We got on so well.
I don’t know what to do but I really want sex. I’ve broached the idea of me quietly going elsewhere but he hates the idea and it would be the end of us.
I feel like if I say ‘shag me or I go elsewhere’ it’s a bit needy ( a lot needy’ and actually a bit coersive?
Is it? Am I being abusive?
He’s not depressed/I’ll/ addicted to porn/ having an affair/ got low testosterone and We do love each other.
WTF should I do?

Its clear he is asexual.

Youre not going to get a healthy sex life from this one, no matter how nice he is. You dont have any physical intimacy, hold hands, share a bed, you dont fuck.
. He manipulated you into marriage by pretence. It is wrong of him to say he wont have a sexual or even intimate relationship with you, but nor are you allowed to get it elsewhere. If you stay with this guy, youre going to have so many regrets in your old age.
I think the best thing to do would be to do an amicable split and try and stay good friends if you get on really well

I’m sorry to hear you’re in this situation and I’m afraid I don’t have an answer but I wanted to come on here to say how disgusting some people’s responses are! I cannot believe that anyone would come on here and call you a mug or make a cutting comment towards someone who’s clearly unhappy. Very worrying to think that these people are presumably mums and therefore responsible for passing on their nasty attitudes to their children. It’s just so bizarre. Anyway OP I really hope you come to a decision you’re ok with and that these trolls don’t upset you further.

Same here. We haven't had sex for about three years and only had sex once or twice a year before that.

No hugs or kisses.

He sleeps on a camp bed in the kitchen and has not shared a bed with me for years.

He blames pain from a hernia op some years ago. The kitchen sleeping started because of his appalling snoring.

He is a brilliant dad to our child, but he is more of a housemate than a husband.

I have had a brief emotional affair but that didn't help - just made me feel guilty.

I can't see a way out. If I left, it would destroy everything...

I really feel for you, OP

If he's asexual and has no libido it might be hormonal ie low testosterone. A blood test would be revealing. If so it's relatively easy to treat.

@ADadNotAMum asexuality is not an illness to be treated.

My husband doesnt like tactile stuff - anything outside of the bedroom, it just doesnt happen. No kiss goodbye, no hand holding, no hugs while the kettle is boiling, no cuddles on the sofa. He'll sit close or put his feet across my lap while watching a movie. In the last 4 years we had sex maybe 10 times or less.
But he actively chats to and sexts women online he's met on social media.
So apparently it's me, I immaculated him.
Previously, I'd get frustrated, tie myself in knots, but my drive dwindled because of hoe horrible the marriage became. We're seperated because his behaviour wasnt compatible with continuing the marriage.

Anyways my point was, the lack of touch and tactile actions I found way harder than lack of sex. It's nice to have someone to be close to. I'm happier by myself than with someone in a shared bedroom who feels distant.

Good luck OP

I find it very selfish for him to deny you an opportunity to seek satisfaction elsewhere. It's like he really doesn't want you to be happy. That's a good enough reason to break it off.

I have gone off sex following childbirth for almost 7 years. I did tell my then husband to get it anywhere he wants and he used prostitutes. This is not the reason he's an ex btw.

Oh OP, you have to leave

If he was tactile and loving in every other way, I'd be on the fence, but denying you any affection and human contact whatsoever, especially in tandem with his remarks about using sex to 'get love', feels borderline abusive.

Even totally platonic friends hug occasionally.

It sounds like he was just affectionate and having sex with you until he "trapped" you in marriage. Beyond fucked up if that's the case.

No one should have to stay in a sexless marriage.

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