Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No sex for 6 years - Aibu?

110 replies

Flakeyface · 22/12/2018 19:35

It’s not an ‘ interesting first post or the school holidays’ It’s my sad life.
DH and I haven’t shagged for 6 years. He went off sex shortly after we married and we’ve been through doctors therapists etc. He just doesn’t like sex. He admits he’s just used it to get love in the past.
Meanwhile my self esteem is in tatters and I’m climbing the walls with frustration. We sleep in separate beds and physical contact is completely gone as he fears it will lead to sex.
We’ve just got back from a really nice holiday together and it was the final straw for me. We got on so well.
I don’t know what to do but I really want sex. I’ve broached the idea of me quietly going elsewhere but he hates the idea and it would be the end of us.
I feel like if I say ‘shag me or I go elsewhere’ it’s a bit needy ( a lot needy’ and actually a bit coersive?
Is it? Am I being abusive?
He’s not depressed/I’ll/ addicted to porn/ having an affair/ got low testosterone and We do love each other.
WTF should I do?

OP posts:
FlamingoPoet · 22/12/2018 22:49

Gosh this is so sad, really feel for you OP. I like that your questioning the morality of your ultimatum, shows that you are a good person. It sounds like you know you’ve got to broach it again; I’m sure you can find a better way to word it. ie ‘I adore you but really can’t live like this, if you really feel like a life without physical contact is how it’s going to be then please understand that I’m going to have to go’. I do know one couple in the same situation, it is accepted (but not talked about), that one partner cheats. I don’t like it but it works for them and that’s what matters.

HollowTalk · 22/12/2018 22:50

He married you under false pretences and that's very cruel. I would leave, in your position. You can stay friends, if you like, but he's not a lover.

Weezol · 22/12/2018 22:54

Are you my XH's second wife? I did seven bloody years like this and when we split he went around telling everyone it was me refusing!
I'd call it quits.

thegreylady · 22/12/2018 23:04

We haven’t had sex for 18 years now. It started after dh had a heart attack. I don’t think we meant it to go on for ever but we are very happy and there is definitely lots of physical affection between us so it’s not the same as op.

Cheeeeislifenow · 22/12/2018 23:06

A man posted similar the other day and got flamed... Interesting.
There is no shame in sex being a deal breaker.
Will he see a counselor?

posthistoricmonsters · 22/12/2018 23:14

Definitely sounds asexual. My XH is asexual and I'm demisexual- it's on the ace spectrum.

I used to have sex with people because I wanted affection and needed to feel loved. Sometimes I even enjoyed it! But now that it's become really hard for me to have sex, because of my disability, and since I've learnt some self respect (took long enough) I can go without for ages.

Letting my XH go was the best decision. I felt I was coercing him. He's a lovely guy and doesn't deserve that. It sounds like your DH may have had some hang ups like me and hoped that once he was married to you that you would understand and not mind. It doesn't work like that though.

I think you need to explain to him that you feel he married you under false pretenses and that this isn't enough for you.a

HidingFromDD · 22/12/2018 23:19

@Missingstreetlife I think that's a valid assumption when both parties have lost their 'connection' and need to find a way back (another option is actually just to have sex, on the basis that the more you have the more you want). Where it doesn't work is when one party has just decided, for whatever reason, that they don't want sex again, and don't see it as a problem. After 2 years of no sex when I was rejected constantly (and I wasn't pestering, this was just trying to initiate some affection and monthly, not daily), I tried the 'back off and let him come to you' method. After another 3 years I left. There is nothing lonelier than being in a supposedly committed relationship with someone who refuses to allow any expression of affection.

OP, I don't think this will get better as he doesn't see it as a problem. You either decide to live with this or leave...

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2018 23:23

So, basically he married you under false pretenses then. Pretending he wanted a 'normal' marriage when he actually wanted a sexless one. I'd leave. Sounds as if you have ample grounds for unreasonable behaviour. (Thank God I live in a 'no fault' divorce state in the US).

I don't believe in affairs, no matter the provocation. An affair is nothing more than a temporary solution to an ongoing problem. If you are not happy with your marriage and if there is no prospect of healing or change, you don't have an affair, you leave.

slashlover · 23/12/2018 00:24

No one NEEDS sex, it's a want, you won't die without it. Of course, if you want sex enough to split up over it, get on with splitting up as it clearly isn't going to get any better.

You could say that about anything -

Nobody NEEDS to have kids, but it would be a deal breaker for many people.

It's not just about sex for OP, he wont even hold her hand and has admitted to pretending to trap her.

currentcake · 23/12/2018 01:45

Could he be gay?

Bloominglovely · 23/12/2018 02:05

I could be way off the mark but I think he may not be attracted to you. That is hard to read and digest.

I was in a relationship for a long time with someone who did not want sex. We had sex perhaps three times in a decade.In desperation I kept chasing and probably became an even bigger turn off. He never spoke about why he didn't want sex apart from vaguely saying he was anxious yet he never wanted sex and frequently pushed me away.

We eventually broke up and within a year he had met and had a child with somebody else so they obviously did have sex.

In hindsight, he had regularly told me how few people he found attractive. At the time, I assumed I was one of the few he did find attractive but looking back I assume I wasn't one of them!

I have to admit to wondering how frequently he has sex with the mum of his child these days. Somehow I doubt its very often.

Original poster
Flakeyface · 23/12/2018 09:21

Thanks for all your replies. They seem to have one clear message. God knows what will happen next. I’ve got a child to think about so I have to weigh up everything. It’s going to be a hard Christmas I think

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 23/12/2018 09:24

It’s not coercive, Op.

It would be coercive if you said ‘have sex with me right this minute or I am leaving forever.’

But having a conversation at a neutral time where you say
‘I need to be in a relationship which involves sex. If this isn’t something you can accept, I don’t think we can continue to be together’ is not coercive.

GabriellaMontez · 23/12/2018 09:28

I think he was very dishonest with you. This is totally different to an illness or mismatch in sex drives. I would end it. No ultimatum. You want to have sex with someone who also wants it. And a relationship with someone honest.

Laloup1 · 23/12/2018 09:31

He pretended to like sex to ensnare you?
This is a very dishonest foundation for a relationship.

insideoutsider · 23/12/2018 11:49

Wow, very interesting indeed. A man (and other men in the past) posted about how desperate he was to have sex and feel close to his wife and the wise people of mumsnet told him to go have a wank and put up with it - she doesn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to. Now, a woman posts the same and we're so understanding and giving her good advice.

It goes both ways folks. If you enter a relationship with a person and then decide you don't want sex anymore, it is unfair - cruel even. Would the partner have married them if they said I will no longer want sex after X-years? Most likely not.

For me, I will not be in a relationship without sex or being able to feel physically close to my partner. I may rethink this for medical reasons. If there are children involved and my DP wants us to stay together, an affair will be very high on the cards.

OP, you should not have to be without sex while in a relationship. I feel for you.

gamerchick · 23/12/2018 11:55

Hes forced this on you. He lied in order to force this on you.

That is a dumping offence. I'd be very upset but I would leave him.

gamerchick · 23/12/2018 11:58

Oh and I'd tell a man exactly the same thing. If a woman lied to get a man and then expected him to be sexless for ever I'd tell him to dump her.

ElspethFlashman · 23/12/2018 12:00

Men will always get that response here. And when women post that they have withheld sex for years, they get a lot of reinforcement that their husband should just put up and shut up. He invariably has an affair, then he's the prick who had an OW.

I never agree with it. A sexless marriage where one person is utterly miserable is a pre-divorce marriage. It's just that some people don't do anything till someone hoves into view that offers an alternative future.

MN has a lot of members who have gone off sex post babies or post menopause. It has very few men. The response will always be weighted and you have to take that into account.

JacquesHammer · 23/12/2018 12:01

A man (and other men in the past) posted about how desperate he was to have sex and feel close to his wife and the wise people of mumsnet told him to go have a wank and put up with it

Was that the recent post whose wife had gone through menopause and was finding sex painful....? Rather a different situation, no?

bertielab · 23/12/2018 12:04

Why not get divorced and live next door and be best friends?

There's no difference for you. Child has two parents who get on and you are free to meet someone else.

I feel as though he lied to get married and have a child -and he hid the lack of sex interest to get those 'aims' -he is not loving you, if he lied. He is not meeting your needs.

Laloup1 · 23/12/2018 17:01

Inside
True. And that often happens in threads about the sex having fizzled out. But here the partner has admitted he knew and hid that he had no sex drive when he got together with new partners. That’s simply dishonest in my book.

MattBerrysHair · 23/12/2018 17:08

I would personally explain your feelings very clearly, and say that you love him and family life and that you don't want to lose it, but that you cannot be celibate anymore. If he does not want sex, you can respect that, and you will look for sex elsewhere. If thst is a deal breaker for him, so he it. I don't think he has been fair at all. He got into a marriage under false pretences and you've paid the price for 6 years.

Confusedbeetle · 23/12/2018 17:14

This is really difficult when the situation is reversed men get all the criticism on MN but it is just the same. Yes it is cruel to demand or feel entitled ( to use words I have seen leveled at men) Only you can work out whether you love this man enough to stay in a life without sex, or whether you would be happy divorced, I think think you need to continue the counseling, not to solve the problem but to help you make up your mind

AcrossthePond55 · 23/12/2018 17:22

Male or female makes no difference. No one should live in a sexless marriage against their will. No one should live in a marriage where sex is demanded or coerced, either. But the answer is to leave in either situation. Not to demand or coerce, nor to go elsewhere for sex. Nor to demand a partner live without sex, either.

I think, though, that part of what appears to be a 'bias' on threads like this is that many of the men who post about this issue seem to be seeking ways to make their partners desire sex. Most of the women in this situation are asking how to live without it.