Is this rude guest behaviour?

[quepoe]

Warning - this is trivial.

Husband's family are coming to us for Christmas for the first time. SIL text me a few weeks ago and asked should she bring dessert, which was appreciated, but they are travelling a fair distance so I declined the offer and asked what sort of thing would they like.

SIL said family favourites were sticky toffee pudding and pavlova. So it was agreed I'd make those and today I got all the necessary ingredients to make them.

Husband gets a text tonight from SIL saying she has a shop bought sticky toffee pudding and pavlova to bring!

My take on that is that it's rather rude, and basically saying she doesn't trust my cooking!! My husbands point of view is that she just wants to help out. I don't see it as helpful as it's not what we agreed.

Further thought - She should bring you a nice bottle of champagne/chocs/flowers - not something you specifically asked her not to bring.

Rude, but in the scheme of In-law irritation I think its at the minor end. My In-laws bring their own marmalade every time they visit as on one long previous occasion when they visited it wasn't available. Drives me nuts..

I don't think it's rude, I think she must be hard of comprehension. It was agreed that you would make puddings but then she went and bought some

I'd also be annoyed when you've arranged something - NRFT but if it's possible I'd freeze hers and use yours, or tell her to take them home because they're not needed

Are you a Pisces? I’m only asking because it’s the sort of thing that my daughter would take offence to. I’m a blunt Sagittarius btw

I’m a Pisces and 99% of the stuff that people take offence to on Mumsnet wouldn’t bother me at all.

SIL feels guilty because she thinks she’s given you extra work by requesting specific puddings. So SIL offers to bring said puddings. SIL thinks quite reasonably that she is helping you and saving you time. SIL tells you in plenty of time so you won’t have started making the puddings yet. Only in the weird world of Mumsnet can any of this ever be a problem.

I think she’s being helpful. But I would, like you, be annoyed. I like hosting so when I say no need to bring a dessert, I mean it. I enjoy making them. And I wouldn’t want a shop bought one. And the fact that you agreed something and she backtracked would irritate me. But I like to think (!) that I would soon get over it and not hold it against her!! Sure you will be the same! Enjoy the puds!

Petronella, THEY AGREED that the OP would make the puddings. Then SIL went and bought them instead.

SIL obviously wanted to bring the desserts in the beginning. OP tried to stop her. SIL returned to her original plan.
Actually, I think OP was being an ungracious host by refusing when SIL first suggested it.

"they are travelling a fair distance so I declined the offer"

How far are they travelling, OP, and are they driving (or flying etc)?

She may have just forgot

Always good to have a sister in law on your side. I think she was trying to be helpful. Didnt want to come empty handed.
Everyone knows its a pain preparing and making the Christmas meal

Totally understand, would feel the same for absolutely totally unreasonable explanations! Wanting to provide, them feeling guilty for not helping out requests, my Christmas hope it goes well

Put it in the bloody freezer and so being so pathetic

*stop

I think it's more to do with her wanting to make a contribution. I was in the same predicament last year, all going to my brothers and sil for Christmas day. I have 3 kids that could eat and drink more than the average teens, there was no way i could feel comfortable with going there the whole day and not bring a contribution. I ended up making mac n cheese, seafood mix, i also made a christmas cake and brought a few drinks for all kids and some for adults. It appeared to me she was not too happy about it... However with the un expected guests and my forever eating kids everything was eaten none left. NO LEFT OVERS. Sil actually thanked me as had i didn't we would have ran out of food. I was just glad that no one was commenting on the amount my kids ate. So dont take it personally but i would find it hard to attend empty handed and would feel uncomfortable about it also.... just make a different dessert so there is more of a variety.

shes doesnt trust you despite making the agreement, They are also used to those puddings from shop and dont know if your cooking is any good. I like my desert with certain taste and wont usually buy from any other shop or get other ppl cooking it for me unless I know they can make it better.

I remember one year we had a number of family members from both sides coming for dinner and my SIL asked what could she bring. I asked if she could do the salads. Mum was taking care of dessert and we were doing entrees, main meats incl. seafood, potatoes in various ways and all the drinks. SIL turns up with 1 small plate of couscous salad... they have not been asked back.

Life is too short. Don't fall out over this. Once sheis comfy etc see what she says. She may like a partivular brand. .

I really think she’s just being helpful

At least she told you in advance. My SIL just turns up with her shitty tesco desserts, and I’m so fucking polite I sit and eat them while looking mournfully at the lovely home made stuff that’s going to waste.
It is well meant, though. People who can’t cook and see it as a chore really don’t understand that people who enjoy cooking actually feel deprived of an opportunity when they are “saving them the trouble.”

How is SIL trying to be helpful? OP told SIL she would make the desserts. But SIL has purchased them anyway.

SIL has deliberately not listened

greendale17 As already discussed up
Thread majority view is SIL thinks she’s helping OP her host by making a contribution to the meal and saving OP the time and effort of making dessert. It is a nice gesture even though OP hadnt asked her for this contribution and said she would make them. Maybe SIL isn’t a confident cook so thinks making desserts is a lot of hassle into of everything else.

I think you've got the wrong end of the stick. She is trying to be helpful - after all a guest doesn't like to arrive empty-handed.

She isn't psychic and didn't know that you were planning to make those puddings and I'll bet there was a cock-up in the communication department. These things happen.

I'd just think 'mmm, extra pudding' xxx

Honestly I think they thought they were helping!