Is this rude guest behaviour?

[quepoe]

Warning - this is trivial.

Husband's family are coming to us for Christmas for the first time. SIL text me a few weeks ago and asked should she bring dessert, which was appreciated, but they are travelling a fair distance so I declined the offer and asked what sort of thing would they like.

SIL said family favourites were sticky toffee pudding and pavlova. So it was agreed I'd make those and today I got all the necessary ingredients to make them.

Husband gets a text tonight from SIL saying she has a shop bought sticky toffee pudding and pavlova to bring!

My take on that is that it's rather rude, and basically saying she doesn't trust my cooking!! My husbands point of view is that she just wants to help out. I don't see it as helpful as it's not what we agreed.

You can say thank you and accept and put them in the freezer and save them for New Year. Explain that as agreed you have already made the desserts and you'll have those but really appreciate the back up plan. To be honest in this household both Pavs and both STPs would be wolfed any way

Think of it as the more the merrier. She just doesn't want to turn up empty handed.

She wanted to bring something. You turned her down and said you'd do the whole meal yourself. She felt bad about that and really want to contribute so she wasn't seen as being a CF and sponging, when you were already graciously providing everything. I think you've taken it wrong and she's trying g to feel like they have contributed more than juts people to eat the food.

can i have any spare puddings please?

i've accidentally eaten an entire yule log and a trifle and now we have run out of the home made mince pies

Going put this down to me being a bit odd and a lot over sensitive as everyone has said the same thing as my husband. I'll let him think I've decided this on my own reflection though rather than explain that it took a number of strangers to convince me of what he couldn't.

Now really fancy trying Yule log thanks @delboysskinandblister but that looks beyond my capabilities and equipment

I'm afraid that's how it starts. I'll just try a sliver.... No-one else really asked for this anyway.... Oh look I'm nearly half way though.... I'll just even it up... Might aswell finish this.... Hmm now have to hide the recycling. What to do...

Cue request for MNHQ to make a festive Pav and Yule Log emoji. Please send many.

You could make cheesecake with the ingrediants. Just buy a motherload of philadelphia

Make yours for them to take home with them. Just another Xmas gift.

Gosh I'm stunned you were still considering making a pavlova.

Clearly she is trying to be nice and stop you having to make too much effort. And she's done it in plenty of time. To think she is rude and consider being passive aggressive about it isn't nice behaviour.

I could eat a whole pavlova so I think it’s just sensible to bring your own

Please - just let this go...... It's not really important, it's Christmas, just focus on being a family together......

Your SiL sounds like she is trying to be helpful to me.

I would be a bit annoyed, it’s the 21st, reasonable to expect you’ve already bought the ingredients but I get that she’s probably trying not to come empty handed.

I have a relative who does this but when coming for lunch / dinner brings a couple of hone made items without being asked. So ends up being too much food and puts what you’ve made off balance. I think it’s well intentioned but I find it annoying. Best way to deal with it is to ask them to bring something specific to complement the meal.

I've got a friend who often does this - brings something shop bought with her when she's coming for dinner, even though I always make dessert. She genuinely is being helpful - it's partly because she was brought up to always bring something with her when she's invited out, and partly because she herself hates cooking and wants to cut out as much faff as she can. She can't quite get her head round the fact that I like making everything myself. She likes my food (she says!!) so I don't take it as a snub, it's just one of her quirks.

@quepoe If I were you I would make the desserts she mentioned, and when she brings hers put them in the fridge and say you will have them another time. :)

Think she's trying to help but it is rude

My thing is I think she should have text you seeing as it was you two that had that conversation initially!!

🙋🏼 another one here that just thinks she was being kind and helpful and felt bad that you were going to all the trouble and expense on your own.

I’m with everyone else. I think she was trying to be nice and not give you any more work to do when everyone are already rushed off their feet. I don’t think she’s being malicious at all.

I'm with you Op. I'm more then happy to make everything for my family for Christmas but my mum always insists she "should make something" then proceeds to bring something shop bought even though she can cook. This year she's already given me frozen Yorkshires and there's no way were having them, I've never had frozen ones in the 10 years since I left home and not starting now on Christmas day. If you can manage it make your desserts. Homemade is way way better

I'd find being told which puddings I should prepare more rude.

I would also be a bit miffed, having agreed in advance I'd be making them. But she sounds like she's trying to help so I'd take it in the spirit in which it's intended.

And seeing as it's Christmas and I am a helpful soul, I'll take your homemade pavlova and sticky toffee pudding

I’m sorry you are being hard work - she prob felt guilty not contributing - she’s given you loads of notice. Most people complain their in laws don’t contribute or help out - you are complaining that they do.

I must be the only person who thinks she is very rude then...whether she intended to be or not.

Why is she telling your husband about it when the initial conversation is with you?

And when you put a lot of effort into choosing wines and making food, it's irritating to have to accommodate random stuff that doesn't fit in. You told her you would make it and she's completely overridden you. (For shop bought!)

I would either get yours and hers out and let people pick. Or do as someone else said and put hers away for another time.

OP has not just bought the ingredients but probably looked up recipes or dug out her favourite ones, planned the whole feast, scheduled etc. and looking forward to being a wonderful host and being praised for her cooking as well.... and now they're having two shop-bought puddings... understandable to have a little "that's really annoying!!!" moment but now you've let it out on MN, move on and Merry Christmas!!

I'd be annoyed too OP. As you've bought the ingredients I'd make my own versions anyway and make them much nicer than the shop bought ones and as a PP said, passively aggressively judge anyone who selected the pre-made. But then I'm mega protective over my cooking

Jesus, no wonder there is so many dysfunctional families. Seriously.🙁

I’d be annoyed too OP. I’d make my pavlova anyway and then save SILs for another time.
My ILs do this sort of thing - I’ll cater for all; they’ll bring dessert even though they’ve specifically been told there’s no need to, then everyone will be singing their praise for the delicious dessert when it’s actually shop bought and I’ve been in the kitchen all morning preparing (with nothing mentioned about this). It’s tiresome!