Is this rude guest behaviour?

[quepoe]

Warning - this is trivial.

Husband's family are coming to us for Christmas for the first time. SIL text me a few weeks ago and asked should she bring dessert, which was appreciated, but they are travelling a fair distance so I declined the offer and asked what sort of thing would they like.

SIL said family favourites were sticky toffee pudding and pavlova. So it was agreed I'd make those and today I got all the necessary ingredients to make them.

Husband gets a text tonight from SIL saying she has a shop bought sticky toffee pudding and pavlova to bring!

My take on that is that it's rather rude, and basically saying she doesn't trust my cooking!! My husbands point of view is that she just wants to help out. I don't see it as helpful as it's not what we agreed.

It would be rude if she did what my mother did - invited us for dinner, I said shall we bring pudding? Yes she says that would be lovely. So we arrive at the agreed time with a handmade dessert that had taken DH several hours to make. She had made 3 puds and refused to even put ours on the table. But when dishing up asked DH if we wanted some of his as he clearly didnt want any of hers having brought his own along.

It was v awkward and made DH feel like he had done something rude himself by bringing a dessert along even though it had been agreed in advance that we do dessert.

What your SIL has done is fine and helpful. Let it go OP.

I think she was trying to be helpful, tell her that you have the necessary ingredients and are making the desserts, so don't need the ones she is bringing, maybe she could eat them later.

I wonder if she worried she'd looked rude and entitled by being so specific about what their family would like, so decided the best thing to do was to buy them herself. That would be my guess. If so, I'd say she was trying really hard to be a good guest.

Not rude. She was trying to help and save you effort.

It might even be a bit rude of you to make a homemade version which would upstage her offering. Definitely make more pudding, there can never be too much, but maybe a different one.

I sympathise with your irritation, but I think her actions were well meant.

I liked your “trivial” dilemma, thank you for posting an easy one!

People scream bloody murder if a guest arrives empty handed (and in some cases doesn't offer to pay for half the meal, some MN can't stand the idea of someone going to their house for free stuff )

She is just trying to be nice, enjoy

I think it’s rude and quite controlling. It’d annoy me too.

I don’t know. See I’d agree it was just a nice gesture normally, but since the actual nice gesture was offering to bring something at all and you said they were travelling from too far so you’d make something, I think buying it anyway is rude. Especially this close to the day when even by most people’s standards it would be very close to Christmas to not have already got the ingredients at the very least. I mean I’d not make a big deal out of it, but I’d be annoyed that I’d wasted my money on ingredients that wouldn’t now be fully used up.

i have friends who do this, we'll invite them to dinner and they will literaly roll up with pillow cased bags of crisps/sweets/ mini bites etc. It drives me insane, if I've invited you and your family for dinner, I have planned and cooked a menu- it feels as though they are being critical of my hosting. Plus the kids then plough there way through the rubbish and aren't so keen on what i've planned. If that makes me controlling so be it.

You are a true saint.

oh dear god

This thread has stressed me out! I never arrive empty handed at peoples houses - but am not a home cook so will always buy something nice. I do usually offer to do dessert. I put a lot of thought into what I bring - i had not idea so many people looked at store bought stiff with such dissaproval! My friends are always very grateful and kind.

Glad you have realised op. Mn this morning is full of people trying to find a reason to be offended . So many people are trying to get it right x

It's annoying that you've bought the ingredients already but she was only trying to help and save you some work.
She probably feels bad at putting you to the effort of making these desserts for her benefit and wanted to help out. I hate turning up anywhere empty handed and she probably feels embarrassed that you are providing everything.
Accept in good grace and enjoy spending time together.

I'll let him think I've decided this on my own reflection though rather than explain that it took a number of strangers to convince me of what he couldn't.
Probably best otherwise I'mm picturing another thread later 'AIBU that y wife would rather take strangers advice than listening to me

Your the one being rude

Dotty1970

I don't agree. And I don't think the SIL is rude either, though a bit thoughtless maybe. She could have brought nice chocolates or something.

I've yet to eat shop-bought pavlova that's as nice as home made anyway, so I'd be slightly put out.

It drives me insane, if I've invited you and your family for dinner, I have planned and cooked a menu- it feels as though they are being critical of my hosting

Blimey, nothing like a relaxing Meal with friends eh?

So many uptight controlling people. She's doing a nice thing, it's fucking dessert, she clearly thinks she's contributing and preventing the op having to go to extra effort. But even then some people will be a complete and utter bitch about it.

Must be like having dinner in a army regiment,

I think it was a misjudged attempt to be nice. You’re lucky your in laws bring stuff!! I’d kiss the floor the dad my in laws bring anything with them when they come for meals/visits 😂

Lord above, what a fuss about a couple of puddings. Do people really and truly make such a fuss over trivia?

id say use the shop bought save you lots of time im sure youd rather spend with family . i usuallt make all mine but im having a year off and bought all the sweet stuff

It is trivial and my thought is that she thinks she's helping.

I think the marathon wrapping has got to you, step away from the Pavlova, have a vino and let it go.

It's not rude unless you want it to be.

It's a bit clumsy imo but an attempt at kindness.

You are jumping to conclusions. Make the desserts, and accept hers too. You never know, all of might get eaten.

Are you a Pisces? I’m only asking because it’s the sort of thing that my daughter would take offence to. I’m a blunt Sagittarius btw 🙄

it's not so trivial. Leaving it till the last minute is thoughtless. You are probably going to have to throw some stuff away. They should have told you.