Is this rude guest behaviour?

[quepoe]

Warning - this is trivial.

Husband's family are coming to us for Christmas for the first time. SIL text me a few weeks ago and asked should she bring dessert, which was appreciated, but they are travelling a fair distance so I declined the offer and asked what sort of thing would they like.

SIL said family favourites were sticky toffee pudding and pavlova. So it was agreed I'd make those and today I got all the necessary ingredients to make them.

Husband gets a text tonight from SIL saying she has a shop bought sticky toffee pudding and pavlova to bring!

My take on that is that it's rather rude, and basically saying she doesn't trust my cooking!! My husbands point of view is that she just wants to help out. I don't see it as helpful as it's not what we agreed.

No not really

I this would totally happen in my family. No one wants anyone to go to any trouble. I can see her being mortified she asked you to get specific deserts, so decided to bring them rather than have you go to any trouble.

If this was my family she would be even more mortified that She had upset you so would buy more food to make up for it - arriving with a fully cooked Christmas dinner - then apologising for everything over And over again!!!

I think she feels guilty about rocking up empty handed while you are doing all the work and is just wanting to help out TBH.

I would initially be annoyed that I had bought the ingredients but then quickly realise that the ingredients can/will be used in other ways easily and actually feel a little weight taken off my shoulders.

I'd go with trying to be helpful. I can imagine her worrying about giving you extra trouble, making two desserts "for her" (I know they're for everyone, but you're making the two she named). She's probably just trying to reduce your workload and show her appreciation for your hosting, cooking etc

Hahah @dolly - yep, that would be me too, trying to overcompensate for causing an inconvenience of myself.

Had a similar situation with MIL last year wanting to do her bit so bought a pavlova for eight, on top of the home made Christmas pudding we already had. And there were only six of us. Cue lots of awkwardness with people politely trying both, on top of already being stuffed with turkey. I wish people would stick to the agreed plan!

I think you have two choices, in either case there is no malice behind her buying them:

1. "Thanks but I've already bought the ingredients. You don't need to bring anything, save them until you get home"
2. Just accept them!

Agree with others shes trying to be helpful

Eggs and cream and fruit, none of those ingredients could be put to any other use

Really?

eggs are good for everything
fruit is fruit (snacks etc.)
cream can be used as extra toppings on all desserts over the whole christmas period.

Unless of course, you have really set your heart on a passive aggressive pavola

What StoppinBy said.
Indeed, what the overwhelming majority said.
She's trying to be helpful.
She's given you a fair bit of notice, and, as trojanpony said, it's not like you won't be able to use the ingredients.
It doesn't say she doesn't trust your cooking at all - that's ridiculous. It says she cares that you shouldn't be doing all the prep / taking all the cost and she is trying to help you out. She sounds lovely.

Yes - she's feeling bad that she feels you are doing al the work hosting them - she offered to bring desserts, you said no and asked what was wanted - so she said and then afterwards probably thought 'Oh God those desserts are a bit of a faff, I'll just get some to save quepoe the bother'
The fact that she bought the puds rather than make them herself, suggests she that she doesn't trust her own cooking, not that she doesn't trust yours.

Eggs can be used for loads of other things - make a vat of scrambled eggs for breakfast when visitors come. Or make some plain meringues and freeze them - then you've got a dessert sitting waiting for another occasion.

I was joking about only being able to use my eggs for a pavlova though any excuse

Oh sorry - what can I say? It's late !

I would be tempted to slightly misinterpret her text - easy as it was to dh rather than you, and she was communicating with you about it originally - and reply that while that's a really sweet offer, please really not to bother, they don't travel well, they have a long journey and anyway, it's really not needed as you said you'd do them, you've already got everything needed, it's all under control with a couple of smileys for good measure.

Then sit back and see what happens.

If she brings stuff - then hopefully there will be room for it in the fridge. If not, you've got the stuff you've already planned for and bought and made and the meal will go exactly as you planned. But I would feel that it was a bit rude and controlling of her, having said that you would do these puds, to effectively say I don't trust you enough so will bring them myself.

Like pp's, if I'm going to a family event like this, I'll ask beforehand if they want me to bring anything and I will. If not, I'll stick to wine or chocs or flowers etc depending on who we are visiting. It's just polite.

Could she have forgotten that you had told her not to bring a dessert on the phone? I'm a bit scatty so that sounds like something I would do.

What rosablue said

Omg please don’t make a thing of this. You are being over-sensitive and you are over-thinking it. She probably felt mortified that she’d specified the puds she likes and was thinking that it had come across that she’d demanded you’d make them for her. So she thought she’d solve the situation the best way she could - bringing them herself.

Please don’t misinterpret her kind gesture as anything other than what it is. Don’t tell her not to bring them, they probably wouldn’t keep and it’d be rude to refuse her offer now. Just relax and enjoy Christmas together.

I think she is trying to be nice.

I'm with @Flowerfae because I'm the kind of dope who forgets and confuses everything. She may have forgotten what was said.

YABU because now I want homemade pavlova and don't have the time to make it!

@Lalliella - I think you are right in that it would be rude not accept as she has gone and got it, but for the exact same reason I think she is rude not sticking to what was agreed!

It sounds like she was trying to help?

She is not being rude, she is not saying she doesn’t trust your cooking, she just wants to help and to make a contribution and to make your life easier. Please stop overthinking this.

I sort of understand this dilemma. I'm a good cook. I'm also really crap at a lot of other stuff. A group of friends including myself organised a sort of dinner and diy rota . The first week went well; shared gardening and refelting of shed , I cooked. The second week of shared diy/cleaning/ whatever , I cooked. Friends told me they thought their cooking was not up to standard. Did I care one jot? I appreciate that they are brilliant at IT and PR, all kinds of things I'm clueless about but I happily let them sort out my chaotic paperwork.

Do what my mum does and present both shop-bought and homemade items for consumption, highlighting extensively which you lovingly made yourself and which is one step up from the shit on the bottom of your shoe. Invite everyone to pick between the two and passively aggressively judge anyone who selects the shop-bought shit, making inappropriate stabbing gestures with your knife and muttering insults between thinly disguised attempts at spitting on the shop-bought shit slice you’re handing to your now estranged guest.

@quepoe your last comment is making you sound Bitchy.

As MOST reasonable people have told you, she was likely trying to help, she was likely trying to lighten your workload and you are just being mean about it now.

@Dafspunk - she doesn't?!  I hope my passive aggression is much more passive than that