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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like the only person who doesn't get on with their mother

130 replies

SweetsCakesBiscuits · 21/12/2018 14:25

In real life its taboo to say you don’t get on with your mother. My DM has always been ‘difficult’ - not abusive - but sulky, jealous, interferring, immature, nosy and drinks too much.

She can be nice too but after years of ‘issues’ I find I have limited patience for her and don’t enjoy her company. I visit her but try to limit the time and maybe have other people around so I am not the full focus of her attention.

She probably thinks i am difficult because I don’t bow down when she sulks. I used to clash with her and get upset when she got annoyed with me but lately I have stepped back and let it wash over me and give it no response.

I know some people have had lovely mothers that have passed away and must miss them terribly and probably think I am awful for feeling this way about my DM. I think some people don’t understand that not all mothers are like their mothers.

I wish I had a lovely mother I was close to. I cannot at all imagine having a mother that I could tell all my troubles too or spend the day with - the whole idea seems so strange to me.

OP posts:
Mamabearx4 · 21/12/2018 14:28

You sound just like my sister
I learnt a long time ago to bite my tounge, things are said and i ignore or i dont tell her everything just enough to keep her satsified.

Cheekylittlenumber · 21/12/2018 14:28

My mum is a sulk, and controlling. I see her about once a month for a few hours which is all I can handle. It’s all very civil.

I hope to have a closer relationship with my daughters.

Sidge · 21/12/2018 14:32

You're not alone. I can't bear mine; I see her as little as possible. Luckily she lives hundreds of miles away so it's easy not to see her.

Starlight456 · 21/12/2018 14:34

It’s the time of the year when all the nice family pics are up. I haven’t seen my mum in 20 years and am happier for it but it doesn’t just make me not want a mum who cares

Stephisaur · 21/12/2018 14:37

Your mum sounds like my mum!

I love her, but she drives me mad. Looking forward to our argument later about the fact I won’t be at Christmas dinner this year.

You have my sympathies Flowers

AnyFucker · 21/12/2018 14:39

You are not alone. I can't stand my mother and my father is even worse.

Flower777 · 21/12/2018 14:42

You are not alone.

The bit that makes me cry in the Tim Minchin song about Christmas is when he refers to his extended family as his safe place and it makes me feel really sad because that is not how I feel about my family.

Santaisonthesherry · 21/12/2018 14:43

My dm flounced off when she didn't like my dp.
For ten years!!
Attempted a reconciliation but the damage was done.. Had years of peace /no criticism /sulking /no flouncing!!
Bloody bliss, can def recommend it op.

PaintingOwls · 21/12/2018 14:44

You are not alone. I don't enjoy my mother's company either. She makes me exhausted and lose my temper. She has issues with boundaries and no matter how many chances I give her she fucks them up. Then cries that we're not close. We had an argument this morning actually.

I do worry about having daughters and having such a dysfunctional relationship as well Xmas Confused

ThunderInMyHeart · 21/12/2018 14:49

Oh, OP - I'm sorry to say that I felt great sympathy with your post, because I feel the same about mine (and my father).

My mother is not warm or touchy-feely. Both parents are hyper-critical and Christmas is an absolute dread for me. This year has been especially hard because I spent a pre-Christmas with my partner's parents who are incredibly welcoming and soft and, frankly, easy-going nice people.

You aren't alone.

I find it awkward when I recall things to people that essentially reveal my parents and I aren't close. That said, I'm excited that, with any child I may have, I will make sure I don't make the same mistakes.

PoesyCherish · 21/12/2018 14:49

You're not alone. I don't like spending time with my mother either. She's rude, opinionated and just generally negative about absolutely everything. She has strong opinions with very little fact behind them and it's her way or the highway. Same as my Dad tbh. Growing up she always complained I never spoke to her about my feelings or what was going on for me but if I ever tried she would just flip her lid or be really negative (such as "why does it bother you?! It shouldn't bother you, you're overreacting. It was months ago" etc in relation to me disclosing a sexual assault)

But yes people look at you like you're mad or evil if you say you're not seeing them over Christmas / don't like spending time with them.

Redred2429 · 21/12/2018 14:54

I have been no contact with my mum since I was a teenager I understand what you mean people always judge this and yes I feel myself getting jealous when my friends all have great relationships with there mums but I remind myself that my mum could never have a healthy relationship with me ! Your not alone xx

HereBeFuckery · 21/12/2018 15:00

Another one checking in to say you are not alone. My mother is a total fuckwit. Self centred is a mild description, she's all about her and no one else.

Other people saying 'oh I'd give anything to have my mum around' I either say, or think (if it'd be insensitive to say) 'you might want YOUR mum around, I don't want mine'.
Sympathy. It's hardest at Christmas if others have supportive family. I'm lucky to have a fab MIL to fill in for me. Hope you have someone lovely in your life.

NerrSnerr · 21/12/2018 15:00

I'm the same. My in-laws always ask me how my mum is, I'm now honest and tell them I have no idea as I rarely see her.

VickyEadie · 21/12/2018 15:01

I wish I had a lovely mother I was close to. I cannot at all imagine having a mother that I could tell all my troubles too or spend the day with - the whole idea seems so strange to me.

I'm 60 and I felt like this all my life until my mother died last year. Now I just feel really sad that this was the way it was. The truth is I didn't much like my mother (who was unkind to me from quite early on in my life), had little to say to her and she irritated the crap out of me within minutes of entering a room she was in.

I heard her tell her grandchildren how proud she was of their smallest achievements (which is a good thing, don't get me wrong) - but she never, ever told me that, despite all that I achieved academically and in my career.

I was 59 and she knew she was close to death before she told me she loved me.

So, OP - I get you and as others have told you, you're certainly not the only one!

LightBe · 21/12/2018 15:32

You’re not alone... come and sit with me.

My mother was physically violent during my childhood and we’ve been estranged for 10 years. I chose that estrangement after therapy gave me the strength to finally do it.

It’s completely normal and natural to feel as you do. Our mothers are supposed to be the cornerstone in our lives - the one person we are most bonded to - and, if that’s not the case, it destabilises your foundations.

It’s a difficult time of the year but, hopefully, you’ll feel more settled after Christmas. Other celebrations (Mother’s Day and birthdays) can also deliver a swift kick to your guts.

Have you considered therapy?

There’ll always be a part of me that longs for a mum - to, as you say, spend the day with and confide in - but counselling has helped to diminish that longing to something bearable.

CSIblonde · 21/12/2018 15:38

You are not alone. My mother was judgemental, hyper critical, manipulative, unkind & I don't have a single memory of any love & affection, just 24/7 barely disguised contempt. All she cared about was money. Haven't had contact in 20years.No regrets.

Soubriquet · 21/12/2018 15:40

I don’t really get on with my mum

We talk but the only time I see her, is when I go to Sainsbury’s and she’s working.

My dad I’ve only seen once this year

She hates my husband (despite him doing nothing wrong. She just thinks he isn’t good enough for me) so won’t come round.

She lives too far for me to walk there (I don’t drive).

This means my kids don’t really know her as their nan

Sugarformyhoney · 21/12/2018 15:42

Ysnbu. My mum was, on the whole, really bad. Unsupportive, disinterested and totally emotionally checked out when me and dear bro were teens. Also spent more time in a pub than with her kids.
As an adult, we are polite, send cards and have a superficial relationship. As I’ve grown older it’s clear that she’s incredibly selfish, attention seeking and actually really antagonist. I definitely wouldn’t choose her as a friend 😂

Lenl · 21/12/2018 15:42

Me and my mum have an outwardly great relationship but I find it her quite difficult, though it's only the last few years I've let myself realise this. She's nice as pie and goes on about how proud she is of me, how much she loves me etc but if I offer an opinion or have a view that's different to hers this flips immediately to what a bad person I am. If I question her about any small thing she will either get quite sulky and act like I've broken her heart or fly off the handle at me and give me the silent treatment, followed by long messages outlining how I'm so terrible and how she would never behave like I do. This is over small things that I don't think would be a big deal to other people. I've not shouted or been rude or called her names, ever, but this has been her response to me.

I always thought we had this great friendship and relationship when in reality we were enmeshed and I was her counsellor and caretaker from a really young age, loved dearly when I played my role and resented when I didn't. I was told all through my childhood that I was clingy, controlling and neurotic (for reasons such as raising that I didn't want to care for my toddler sibling while she went out drinking regularly) and I've really internalised this and struggled to find my voice or know when to stick up for myself. I always assume I'm at fault or being unreasonable.

She doesn't know how I feel so I have to pretend and I feel guilty and angry all at once.

TwinkleToes101 · 21/12/2018 15:43

Also checking in to say metoo. Having had kids though I've begun a journey of understanding about that maternal bond and I would advise you to find out how your poor relationship with your mother has impacted you (it will have). That way, you fully understand what patterns you may be inadvertently reproducing. I'd wish I'd done this sooner, but better late than never.

The80sweregreat · 21/12/2018 15:45

I'm sure lots of people don't get on with relatives or their parents.
Some don't like to admit it though I think. If you do say anything other people don't always understand as they all seem to adore their parents.
I've always found my dad a tad difficult. He is 97 soon and still stubborn and annoying : everything has to be his way! He has dementia and this makes it worse too.

It is what it is with relatives. You have to try and not let them get to you too much ( hard though)

Fairyliz · 21/12/2018 15:45

I'm another one. My mum wasn't mean or nasty just very self absorbed wanting to talk about herself and never listen to anyone else. She also complained a lot and wanted sympathy but was never prepared to do anything to help herself.

If you managed to get a word in and say something she didn't like then she would bring on the tears and the 'you don't understand'

0htooooodles · 21/12/2018 15:45

Just another one to say I'm NC with my mum (my dad has been out of the picture since I was little). It's a huge relief and I wanted better for my children. I'm lucky in that I have a lovely mother and father in law, who treat me like one of their own :)

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 21/12/2018 15:45

There's a reasonable piece in the Telegraph about Estrangement at Christmas: How We Cope

When I wrote the feature, I explained how I felt a sense of shame at Christmas because I wasn’t close to my family,’ she says. ‘Our research shows people initially experience a sense of relief when they walk away, but then comes a feeling of isolation and that they’re doing something that goes against the grain of society.’ Dr Blake agrees: ‘We’re raised to love and respect our parents or siblings, so ending a relationship with them – for whatever reason – goes against that. I’ve found estranged people feel judged by others. They’re told that life is too short, or “But it’s your mum!”, or that they’re overreacting.’

Dr Blake and Becca also say that the TV version of families, especially at this time of year, makes people feel worse about their estrangement.
...
a 2015 study by US universities Purdue and Cornell found that one in 10 families with adult children is estranged from one of those children. They found no difference in gender, with men just as likely to be estranged from their families as women; although Dr Blake says that society tends to place bigger expectations on women to keep families together.

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/estrangement-from-family-at-christmas-how-we-cope/