Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like the only person who doesn't get on with their mother

130 replies

SweetsCakesBiscuits · 21/12/2018 14:25

In real life its taboo to say you don’t get on with your mother. My DM has always been ‘difficult’ - not abusive - but sulky, jealous, interferring, immature, nosy and drinks too much.

She can be nice too but after years of ‘issues’ I find I have limited patience for her and don’t enjoy her company. I visit her but try to limit the time and maybe have other people around so I am not the full focus of her attention.

She probably thinks i am difficult because I don’t bow down when she sulks. I used to clash with her and get upset when she got annoyed with me but lately I have stepped back and let it wash over me and give it no response.

I know some people have had lovely mothers that have passed away and must miss them terribly and probably think I am awful for feeling this way about my DM. I think some people don’t understand that not all mothers are like their mothers.

I wish I had a lovely mother I was close to. I cannot at all imagine having a mother that I could tell all my troubles too or spend the day with - the whole idea seems so strange to me.

OP posts:
0htooooodles · 21/12/2018 15:46

@Fairyliz sounds exactly like my mother, only she's bipolar too.

TwinkleToes101 · 21/12/2018 15:48

@Lenl I've really internalised this and struggled to find my voice or know when to stick up for myself. I always assume I'm at fault or being unreasonable Flowers You really need to address this. I've met so many people (women mainly) like you and this internalisation you describe is highly damaging.

ManicUnicorn · 21/12/2018 15:49

I could have written this OP. My DM is sulky, controlling, negative, opinionated, often rude, has no boundaries and also drinks too much. Emotionally she is like a five year old child, pouting and doing hurt little looks if you stand up to her. I wonder how my dad has put up with her for 40 years, which is an awful thing to say, but he must a bloody Saint

She drives me potty with her moaning, I know people with the most awful things going on in their lives who never complain and yet she moans about the most mundane shit known to man.

Over the last few years Ive had a bit of an ephinany about her. She always presented herself as this tough,ballsy woman who took no crap from anyone and I believed it, was actually scared of her. But now I see her for what she is, weak, needy, self absorbed, desperate for the approval of others and quite pathetic. Now I feel sorry for her more than anyway.

Gumbo · 21/12/2018 15:51

I'm always genuinely bemused by people who are close to their mothers as it's not something I have ever experienced. Mine is rude, selfish and generally unpleasant to people - and looks down on pretty much everybody!

It's no accident that I live 8000 miles away from her - I still think it's far too close for comfort!

AlwaysDancing1234 · 21/12/2018 15:53

I’ve been NC with my mother since last year. Best thing I ever did. No more jumping every time the phone went or I got a letter through the door and wondering if it would be nice or vile and abusive. No more having to put up with tantrums and dramas. But it’s such a tabboo thing to say in front of other people who just don’t get it.

TwinkleToes101 · 21/12/2018 15:54

Something to think about: our mums who, one or another, have checked out of the caring parent role, they too must have had poor relationships with their mothers. These things run down the generations.

checkingforballoons · 21/12/2018 15:54

You’re not alone! I’m currently on a weird journey of discovery since I became a mother myself. I’ve realised that I spent my entire childhood wondering why I wasn’t enough when actually it was my mother that was lacking.
When people say they just want their mum during a difficult time (being ill or for pregnancy advice, that sort of thing) I absolutely cannot understand it. I believe it, but I can’t relate at all!

nails2018 · 21/12/2018 16:00

Another one here - we are currently not speaking again. Longest was 3 years. Just can't be bothered with it all tbh.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/12/2018 16:00

I have a sense of duty to mine OP ..I do what is necessary thats all and i do it quickly and without any feelings really..I tell her what she needs to know no more and see her when needs must...sad isn't it? She has pulled some right stunts over the years,is too judgemental ,selfish ,demanding ,ignorant and sly...does my tree in or it did ..i don't let it anymore,it all goes over my head now . If anything I feel sorry for her cos she has missed out so much.

Dimsumlosesum · 21/12/2018 16:02

Mine is a tantrumming, petulant, crying when called out on her behaviour, nasty babywoman. She's also been alcohol dependant since I was a child. Since I've had children, it's really opened myeyes to how much she fucked up my childhood. I avoid her now, as I"m sick of her behaviour, and sick of having to be the parent in our relationship.

knittedjest · 21/12/2018 16:02

You should watch some gilmore girls op. It's definitely not just you.

ManicUnicorn · 21/12/2018 16:05

checkingforballoons when I was little and would fall over and hurt myself I'd cry for my daddy and not mummy. He was the caring, loving one who gave us hugs and kisses. She was the shouty, unpredictable one. She actually boasts about how she taught DB and I to cry out for DF in the middle of the night, so important was it to sleep off the booze get her beauty sleep...

Ive learned to just detatch a little. I'll never change her, she will never accept she has issues and get help. I get along fine with her now Ive learned to smile and nod and not truely engage properly, but it's hard when she's rude.

WheelyCoteClaus · 21/12/2018 16:08

Another one here. Vile vile cruel woman, whose mother was even worse.

I have a few friends that sadly dont get on with their mums either. Not for want of trying. Quite shit really

RoboticSealpup · 21/12/2018 16:15

My mum lives in another country. We talk on the phone about once every 2 months and see each other maybe once a year. She thinks we have a great relationship because I never let on that she has hurt my feelings with her thoughtless comments or demonstrable lack of interest in my life. I do this because she always turns herself into the victim if there's a disagreement and I intend to continue with that because I hate conflict. Sounds healthy, right? Wink

whydoInotmatter · 21/12/2018 16:16

Another one here. Have been NC with mother and family for many years now. I have struggled,and continue to struggle, on a daily basis with the legacy of growing up in an abusive family. My mother has never tried to heal the rift and I am sad to admit that there are still times when I yearn for her to suddenly realise that she did really love me. 🙁

EssentialHummus · 21/12/2018 16:24

I always ask myself, "Would I accept this behaviour/attitude/whatever from a friend?" If no, then I don't accept it from my mother. It is still difficult at times of year like this though, I agree OP.

toomuchtooold · 21/12/2018 16:30

he TV version of families, especially at this time of year, makes people feel worse about their estrangement

I think this is why, when I was still in contact with my mother, I used to enjoy the Eastenders Christmas special so much. They're the only Christmas families you see on the telly who aren't all sweetness and light (they're still a bit healthier than my family though because at least they have it out with each other).

I feel the pressure to be a good sort and take it on the chin. As you might expect, a whole lot of my extended family are also quite dysfunctional and actually a lot of the people I grew up with (post-industrial area with a lot of poverty) as well - but most people take it on the chin and stay in contact with their awful relatives. It feels slightly heroic of them - like I'm sort of shirking my duties, making a big fuss about doing a difficult chore that everyone else is just getting on with. I don't care though, it's still better than having her in our lives making shite.

user764329056 · 21/12/2018 16:31

Another one here, NC for past few years with mother and siblings, it’s a hard time of year for those of us without the nurturing, caring, loving mother that we all deserve xxx

Wavyheaded · 21/12/2018 16:33

You're not alone at all. My mother is very controlling and hypercritical. She very clingy and worries all the time about me like I'm a six year old (I'm 47! Grin) She tells me off and criticises me all the time in front of others (a 'tough love' mentality intended to 'improve' me, but who needs that at 47?! Jeez.)

Friends (family friends) think she's hilarious company, but I can't understand why no one notices that I'm the butt of her jokes most of the time. Angry Oh well.

Growing up she was extremely angry and strict all the time and I was afraid of her. I always keep her at a distance as much as I can, yet she insists I come round for dinner once a week. If I don't she gets depressed and lonely. She is lonely, I know, and I always feel guilty because we don't have any other family around.

I never, ever tell her anything about my personal life (esp my boyfriend), or money - everything I say gives her ammunition to criticise me with later on.

Then she says she wishes we are friends like other grown up daughters are with their mothers, and genuinely believes it's because there's something wrong with ME!

I gave up a long time ago - just civil and doing my duty.

Sorry to go on! Seems like there are quite a few of us with difficult mothers on here Sad.

AnyFucker · 21/12/2018 16:33

Making small talk this last couple of weeks....

"Hi, AF, hosting your parents are you this xmas ?"
Nah
"Oh, they going to your sisters then ?"
Nope
"Why????"
They are not invited

Rayn · 21/12/2018 16:35

Me too! Interesting reading this thread as it seems that alcohol abuse has a part to pay. I grew up in the seventies and social services were involved. My mother was/ is weak and needy and opinionated. I can't imagine what it is like been close to your mum.
I feel sad though as it could have been so different. I grew up insecure and needy and can see how my mother has had an impact on myself as a person.
However, I have a daughter and make a big effort with her to know she is loved and hopefully I will on the other end of this mother daughter relationship when she is a grown up x

speakout · 21/12/2018 16:35

You are not alone.

I have zero respect for my mother.

Both my sister and I left home as soon as we could- into the arms of abusive men.

It strengthened my resolve to work hard on the relationship with my own children.

I now have a brilliant relationship with my own young adult children.

Despite my own experience.

checkingforballoons · 21/12/2018 16:36

Oh yes AnyFucker, the festive small talk, where you feel slightly obligated to lie so you don’t make people uncomfortable. I have found being honest about the situation quite liberating though!

AnyFucker · 21/12/2018 16:37

Me too @checkingforballoons

mrsrhodgilbert · 21/12/2018 16:40

Another who will not be making contact at Christmas, currently nc again. It’s all very sad and she, well both parents, doesn’t have a clue how upsetting their behaviour has been since I was a teenager, I haven’t done anything right despite being happily married for 30 years and raising 2 lovely daughters. I’ve shielded my dd’s from them, there is no relationship there. Looking back they fell out with all neighbours and relatives when I was growing up, they are the most judgemental people I have ever known.

Swipe left for the next trending thread