To feel like the only person who doesn't get on with their mother

[SweetsCakesBiscuits]

In real life its taboo to say you don’t get on with your mother. My DM has always been ‘difficult’ - not abusive - but sulky, jealous, interferring, immature, nosy and drinks too much.

She can be nice too but after years of ‘issues’ I find I have limited patience for her and don’t enjoy her company. I visit her but try to limit the time and maybe have other people around so I am not the full focus of her attention.

She probably thinks i am difficult because I don’t bow down when she sulks. I used to clash with her and get upset when she got annoyed with me but lately I have stepped back and let it wash over me and give it no response.

I know some people have had lovely mothers that have passed away and must miss them terribly and probably think I am awful for feeling this way about my DM. I think some people don’t understand that not all mothers are like their mothers.

I wish I had a lovely mother I was close to. I cannot at all imagine having a mother that I could tell all my troubles too or spend the day with - the whole idea seems so strange to me.

This thread makes me feel a bit better that I'm not alone. I was close to my mum as a child but my parents divorced after we all left home and my mum turned to alcohol with my step dad. She has just got more bitter and uninterested as I have got older. She wasn't interested in my wedding. I tried to involve her but she didn't give a fuck.

I see her once or twice a year now, I'm massively relieved I have seen her already this Christmas so I don't have to do it again. She's really racist now and judgemental to anyone who is poor (even though she was brought up really poor).

Hugs op. This post has made me feel a little better about my own effed up situation with my mother. We are NC and have been for about 2 years. Prior to this we were strained and I always dreaded her company. She's NC with lots of family due to her temper and abusive ways. It's really, really sad and now that I have my own daughter I worry what if I inadvertently screw this up somehow and have no relationship with her when we are older? It's totally illogical as I'm just nothing like my mother, but due to such low Self esteem (no coincidence methinks) I often worry I'm this terrible human she's said I am for years.

I have often thiught about therapy, but realistically can't afford it. It's so pricey!

By the way, if anyone isn't aware, there's a thread on Relationships for people with dysfunctional and emotionally abusive parents - Stately Homes - you're all very welcome

In the spirit of the season:

“Oh no you’re not!”

We have peaks and troughs of managing to deal with one another, but I would never say that I am close to dM

Im 2 years NC with mine 😔

Me me me! Halloooo! Over here! Me too!

Have been NC for 2 1/2 years and my life is so much easier. Yet I feel guilty and worry about her every day. But there was only so much I could put up with and her last out burst that ruined a very special day was one out burst too many.

I too would love a mum who I was close too. Who I could share my worries. Who would tell me she loved me. Who would tell me she was proud of me.

But alas it’s not too be. I just try to be the mum I wanted to my dc instead. It’s difficult sometimes as I have to guess how I should behave as I don’t have the experience I could mirror as she didn’t do things that you would expect a mum to do out of love 🤷🏻‍♀️

I could have written your post op.

I've really struggled since having dc, terrified that they'll feel the same way towards me one day. Also extremely worried that one of them may think that there's a "favourite". My sister is the golden child that can do no wrong. I was supposed to be a boy apparently.

I'm envious of the closeness my friends have with their mums and the support they always have.

My mum is a classic narcissist and I’ve spent my whole life trying to get her approval. I realised earlier this year after a particularly vicious incident that I’m never going to get it.

I try to see her as little as possible for the sake of my own mental health.

For those of you who are NC - how do you deal with family events where you have to see your Mother?
My sibling is getting married soon and obviously I want to be there but of course mother will be there.

how do you deal with family events where you have to see your Mother?

Is there any useful advice here?

www.standalone.org.uk/guides/adultchildren/

Or the relationship boards?

I can't believe so many have toxic mums.

Thought I was the only one.

Limited contact with my mum, she's not a very nice person. She doesn't mean well and she always puts herself first. She's fallen out with 99% of the family.

Just me left.

Luckily I have no other family to deal with at all.

My mum is godawful and I resent every controlling minute she has over her daughters. She is totally oblivious despite being told by every one of us.
Worst thing is, I worry that I could unconsciously be behaving like her and it constantly makes me analyse and internally 'check' my relationship with the dcs and their partners.

And here! I wish my kids had a lovely grandmother. She is superficially very pleasant but actually totally inept, selfish and profoundly unkind. After years of having to put up with her constantly judging others and frequent tantrums, I finally went NC. The straw on the camel back was her not showing up to the bed side of her granddaughter while she was in acute care for many weeks (or indeed offer to help look after her other grandchild while we pretty much lived in hospital).

Yup. Me too.

Mine also rewrites history to suit and throws Almighty Tantrums if anyone tries to talk about something she has deemed taboo.

She also always, always greets me (on the 2/3 times a year I see her) by telling me how tired I look. Or have I lost weight. Or she’ll say “oh, you look really well” in a tone which screams “how surprising”.

I find her exhausting and I almost can’t bear DC being near her. Fortunately I live at the other end of the country....

I have little respect for my DM. She is a weak woman who has never stuck up for me. She didn't leave my abusive, cheating DF. She stuck with him for over 30 years until DF divorced her as a result of his cheating.
She didn't belive or support me when I was going through DV - in fact told me to pull myself together and refused to believe it was happening, thought the sun shone out of DP's backside.
I wish I had the same relationship so many other women have with their DM's.

OP—You’re really not the only one. I haven’t spoken to my mother in four years. It makes me sad sometimes although I’ve had to move on with my life and am generally much happier without her although I get a little wistful when I see other families with lovely mums. Honestly, my mother needs therapy which she will never accept so I bowed out. She spent years gaslighting me and is in such deep denial about the way she has acted towards me and my sister that I just couldn’t continue a relationship with her. She treated my sister so toxically and when I stepped in to defend my sis I got it too. That was the final nail in the coffin for me.

I know it’s hard when you see other people spending time with their mothers but I try to look at it like I have other lovely family members who don’t behave like they’re possessed so in that respect I feel very lucky. I don’t have a big family—just my dad, his wonderful partner, my sister, my brother and my husband. But I appreciate them so much that it sort of makes up for lack of a mother in my life.

Me and my mum have an outwardly great relationship but I find it her quite difficult, though it's only the last few years I've let myself realise this. She's nice as pie and goes on about how proud she is of me, how much she loves me etc but if I offer an opinion or have a view that's different to hers this flips immediately to what a bad person I am. If I question her about any small thing she will either get quite sulky and act like I've broken her heart or fly off the handle at me and give me the silent treatment, followed by long messages outlining how I'm so terrible and how she would never behave like I do.. This is very much the same situation I have with my mother I too am becoming less tolerant of her behaviour.

Snap. When ever I say/mention that I'm low contact with mine I get told "you only get one mother" " she bought you into this world" etc. Drives me bonkers. Just because she is a mother doesn't mean she isn't a nasty person.

I've definitely had similar feelings of being alone in it. Most of my friends and people I know get a lot of help and kindness from their mums and I just smile and nod as they discuss it thinking I've gotten pretty much nothing from mine since I was 15 but her even more of her rage and grief.

I havent spoken to my mum is almost 2 yesrs so your definitely not alonr

@Lenl - Don’t be afraid of your anger.

I spent 15 years in a state of sorrow - there was depression, agonising grief, shame... and yet never, ever anger. It was almost as though I’d been beaten down too much to feel it.

During therapy, it arrived like a thunderbolt: Anger! It was like a small flame of self-worth and defiance lighting within me.

Instead of internalising the blame - all of those awful questions like ‘What’s wrong with me that my own mother couldn’t cuddle me as a child?’ and ‘Why am I unloveable?’ - the anger helped to externalise it. I finally began to shoot at the right target.

My psychologist said that she always “welcomes” the stage when her patients begin to feel anger.

It’s powerful. It’s not debilitating like depression and grief. It can drive you to make the changes you need to.

Wow, really surprised at how many of you are NC/LC with your mothers.

I am an oldie - early 60's - born to a very young, unmarried Irish Catholic mother in the mid 50's and fast disappeared, equally young Irish Catholic, but very affluent boy whose family spirited him away as soon as they heard I was on the way.☹️

Mother made me pay for shitty father and his family big time! She married a paedophile goddam awful man 4 years later who couldn't keep his zipper up and she had 2 further DD's with him. I was passed around between various relatives over the years as I was in the way. I finally went NC 30 years ago following years of abuse and realising she had no love for me at all.

Over recent years I have discovered both her husband and one of her DD's have both died. Part of me feels dreadful that I feel nothing, (although my half sister who died was actually ok so that did upset me as she was only 56 and we were really close as youngsters.). I try not to discuss my family with the outside world as I am sure I sound like a dreadful person but the past 33 years have been the happiest and most secure of my life.

It may sound horrendously selfish and self absorbed but if your mother makes your life a misery then break the chain. You can't spend your life trying to develop a relationship that never really existed. 😥

Not alone. Me too

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