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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like the only person who doesn't get on with their mother

130 replies

SweetsCakesBiscuits · 21/12/2018 14:25

In real life its taboo to say you don’t get on with your mother. My DM has always been ‘difficult’ - not abusive - but sulky, jealous, interferring, immature, nosy and drinks too much.

She can be nice too but after years of ‘issues’ I find I have limited patience for her and don’t enjoy her company. I visit her but try to limit the time and maybe have other people around so I am not the full focus of her attention.

She probably thinks i am difficult because I don’t bow down when she sulks. I used to clash with her and get upset when she got annoyed with me but lately I have stepped back and let it wash over me and give it no response.

I know some people have had lovely mothers that have passed away and must miss them terribly and probably think I am awful for feeling this way about my DM. I think some people don’t understand that not all mothers are like their mothers.

I wish I had a lovely mother I was close to. I cannot at all imagine having a mother that I could tell all my troubles too or spend the day with - the whole idea seems so strange to me.

OP posts:
Frogletmamma · 22/12/2018 05:41

Have a far better relationship with mil than dm. Makes me feel guilty.

LadyRochfordsFrostedGusset · 22/12/2018 06:41

Mum , if you're reading this, which I think you do. And know who I am. Then just know that I had to go NC when you made me feel worthless for the very last time that I would tolerate, humiliating me at my wedding. Never being emotionally there, always putting others first and sending me away at every possible opportunity. But for some stupid reason I still have love for you.

Be careful with your MIL Froglet, mine pied me as soon as we separated.

LadyRochfordsFrostedGusset · 22/12/2018 06:42

Forgot to say YANBu of course, sorry OP.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 22/12/2018 07:15

I don’t like my mother

I love her and want her to be happy as I know she isn’t but that’s for her to sort out

I feel when my mum dies (she isn’t ill and not yet 70) though I shall miss her i will feel released

BucketlessAndPotless · 22/12/2018 07:24

Have been NC with mine for 25 years. She let her husband (they are still married) abuse us physically and sexually.

Some people are just evil bastards and life is better without them in it.

chunkymonkeysmama · 22/12/2018 07:32

I know how you feel OP. My Mum was lovely, it's my Father that's the problem. Over the years he's grown to become even more critical and overbearing. No one else's opinion matters and he has no concern for anyone's feelings when he opens his mouth. I have really taken a step back from him and am maintaining limited contact. He never contacts me (despite me having a young DD) or comes round but has the cheek to tell people he hasn't heard off me!!

cookingonwine · 22/12/2018 07:40

My mother is toxic.

You are certainly not alone.

secretuser · 22/12/2018 07:53

Me too. I'm the youngest of 4 and there's a big age gap between me and the older 3 who were all born quite close together. I often wonder why they had me because my mum was clearly 'over' parenting by the time I came along.

The other 3 have always been offered a huge amount more emotional support, friendship and time than I have had. I have probably been more 'spoilt' than they have and never went without anything materialistic growing up, but that was never what I wanted. I've started my own family recently and it has become more apparent than ever. I am so so envious of friends with hands on mothers who now enjoy a lovely granny-mum-grandchild relationship.

She's not an unpleasant person as such, but she likes to make me feel like her dismissive attitude towards me it's a figment if my imagination and that I should get over it, all the while reminding me of all the lovely times she shared with the others when they had their children Hmm

namastayinbed · 22/12/2018 07:58

You are not alone. What's weird is DM thinks we have a great relationship - not sure if she's deluded or in denial!

Graphista · 22/12/2018 08:07

You are not alone.

I am the product of an unplanned pregnancy which I feel sure - and it's even been alluded to - my mother thinks trapped her with my father (abusive alcoholic)

When I was younger I couldn't put my finger on it but I felt less "liked" by my mother than my siblings.

Nothing is EVER her fault, and she'll never accept she had any choice or agency in her decisions.

She's also admitted to being jealous of mine and my fathers relationship when I was younger, I was "daddy's little girl" he was obsessed with me and possessive but instead of seeing that as the creepy, predatory thing it was (not clear to me until it became undeniable) she resented me for it and I think viewed me as a "romantic rival" - how fucked up is that?! When I disclosed she didn't believe me, still doesn't. Others do including her own siblings who despair at her attitude to my father (won't hear a word against him).

She favoured my sister in particular, still does, and my brother and that's been visited on the next generation with my dd bottom of the pile!

She'll SAY she loves me, but she doesn't show it.

I'm nc with my sister (yes in part due to our relationship is messed up because of the sg/gc nonsense, but also because my sister is toxic and abusive and turning into my bloody father), vlc with mum and dad and sort of medium contact with bro, who distances himself from us all really - I don't blame him!

The relief I felt at uni when it turned out 2 fellow students also didn't have good mothers was immense.

Some people should never have been mothers, or at least not had children with the people they did.

"they too must have had poor relationships with their mothers." Not always - that's what's so odd with my mum - she came from a normal happy family. Her own siblings don't understand the hold my father seems to have on her - and did from the beginning.

The one time my experience has been somewhat useful is as a nurse in elderly care. If you think not liking your mother is taboo, good luck getting honesty on abuse of staff by elderly patients! Some of the other staff members would voice sympathy for the "poor little old lady/man who's family never/hardly ever visits them" I'd point out they don't know the history, that "poor little old man" wasn't always so, they were once a young, physically fit man who could well have had their faults which is why their family is distant. It was useful because these patients/clients required a slightly different approach sometimes. My stance on this was ignored in one place I worked and a patient broke a staff members arm. The patient concerned had regularly beaten his wife and child as a younger man, he played the "frail old man" with new staff members but then if they acted or said anything which displeased him he'd lash out - and he was actually still quite strong and a walking stick can cause serious damage! Her crime? She'd told him off for a comment he made about her arse! He didn't even do it immediately he waited several days until she was in a vulnerable situation with him and there wasn't anyone else around.

Prettyvase · 22/12/2018 08:07

#metoo

I have successfully learned how NOT to be a mum through having an awful mum Wink

As long as you are aware enough not to repeat learnt behaviours which does take some doing, you should be fine.

So: I hug my DC, tell them I love them, have fun with them, apologise if I make a mistake, help them, care about them, listen to them, support them....

The older my DC get the worse the sense of loss at not having a loving mum is.

Mourn for the mum you wished you had and make peace with it through how you are to those around you ( even if it's a 🐈!)

Love and cherish wishes to all Cake
x

goldengummybear · 22/12/2018 08:57

You are not alone. Mine is unaware that I'm a mother of 3 as I haven't seen her in 20+ years. Unfortunately at this time of year, people are force fed images of happy family time in front of a fire or turkey dinner but it'll be better in January.

I deal with this by trying my best as a mum. My dd tells me everything which is fab Grin

IAmNotAWitch · 22/12/2018 09:15

I was the last girl before the golden boy was born 11 months later.

I can't actually remember a time I mattered to my parents.

I matter now though to my Mum. Now I have a good career and skills she can use in her old age and the precious over indulged boy is an utterly useless loser who she still takes care of even though she is elderly and disabled.

My older sisters all did the same so while I am not quite no contact, I don't really care about them either.

You reap what you sow.

Minniemountain · 22/12/2018 09:20

I am in contact with mine but she never really "parented" as she was too concerned about being loved. I see her because I want to love her and it's better than my relationship with my DF who is monumentally messed up emotionally.

I envy friends with their easy close relationships with their DMs.

Home77 · 22/12/2018 09:21

Me too, and also an enabling dad, (even though she divorced him!) he is recently writing to my children to tell them "what a wonderful woman she is" Hmm so now NC with both of them (sigh)

Home77 · 22/12/2018 09:22

I am finding it especially hard now when others are supporting their mothers getting elderly and discussing this, makes me feel guilty for not doing the same. Especially when mine are apart. But they made that situation themselves...

Racecardriver · 22/12/2018 09:24

Me too. Same with a lot of my friends as well. It’s not that uncommon sadly. I feel that I really missed out in this respect.

BlueCookieMonster · 22/12/2018 09:31

My mother is horrendous! Abusive and toxic, no regrets about going low contact, I don’t tell her anything and I don’t need that in my life.

It’s sad, I hope and pray my children never feel that way about me.

MrsBobDylan · 22/12/2018 09:44

Shit Mum here too.My lovely DS11 told me he feels sorry for me as she's such a horror.

However, I have beautiful dc who I love unconditionally and amazing in laws too. So I have the happy family I always dreamed of, which is all that matters to me.

Monkeynuts18 · 22/12/2018 09:52

I don’t get on with mine. I’m now pregnant and it’s really affecting me. You know when friends and colleagues talk about having days out with their mums? I would never do that, nor can I imagine wanting to. I just don’t know how I’ll be a good mum without having seen what it looks like.

Ohdofeckoffdear · 22/12/2018 11:14

You are not alone. Flowers to everyone who has posted on this thread.

I don’t like my mother. I love her as she is my mother but that’s where it ends. She was never abusive and she had a really good relationship with her own mother.

It’s really messed me up actually especially as I’m pregnant with my first atm. I don’t want them to have the same relationship with me a I have with my mum Sad

LongHotSummer24715 · 22/12/2018 12:28

I can’t stand my mother’s company, she is rude, aggressive, jealous woman who has nothing nice to say. She constantly criticized my appearance. I really dislike her.
I am in contact as she is a good grandmother but I’m watching her! She slagged my daughters nose last month and I confronted her. I won’t allow her to treat my child the way she treated me.

I honesty don’t think I’d care if she wasn’t around. I dread seeing or speaking to her.

BrokenWing · 22/12/2018 12:43

I love my mum, but to be honest don't particularly like her. Her entire conversation is around criticising and putting everyone and anyone down. Favourite topics are others spending, housework, partners, parenting, weight. I don't think I've ever heard her say a good thing about anyone without prompting and I'm sure she does it about me when I am not in earshot. Add to that a bit of racism, abusing the NHS system stock piling free prescription meds/creams/tena lady she doesn't need and talking to dr, nurses or care staff as if they are servants there to do her biding. I could not leave her alone in my house as she would instantly start snooping in drawers and files, then ask questions as soon as I returned with no shame for snooping.

It has got worse since dad died and I realise now he kept her natural nastiest in check.

I could never talk to her about anything personal because she would just critise and blame. Her mum was the same, hope I don't end up like them when I am older!!!!!

ManicUnicorn · 22/12/2018 12:57

I think my DM sees all other women as competition, and that includes me which is I think massively fucked up, but her DM was the same so it's probably a learned behaviour. She values men more than women and is incrediably bitchy and unkind about other women, and will say stuff like 'what the hell has she got on' and 'she looks like a chav' and yet would be utterly devasted if another woman turned it around on her and said that looked a mess.

speakout · 22/12/2018 13:17

ManicUnicorn

Sounds like my mother- she won't have a female doctor or a female hair dresser- female hair stylists will always give you a bad haircut because they are jealous. Apparently.