AIBU to end friendship over this??

[OneTiredMomma]

I have a friend I've known for a few years. She used to be my neighbour before I moved house. We were always very friendly before but have become much closer in the last 3 years since she has had children. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 33, she's 25. None of her friends (all pals from school/college and similar age to her) have kids yet so she started getting in touch more when pregnant with her first as I was pregnant with my 3rd at the same time.

It's just lately I'm getting to the point with her where she is taking the piss out of me to be frank. We used to go to playgroup once a week / 2 weeks with the kids or do a little playdate at her house or mine.
She has recently gotten into a nasty habit of dropping her kids off at mine during our "playdate/group" time slot, saying she will be "an hour", and not come back ALL DAY - 9am until after 3pm. She has done this a few times this year and it seems to be becoming regular thing. Her girls are 9 months and 2.5 years, so need hands-on care obviously.

She is generally uncontactable during this time period, doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer calls.. When she arrives to pick them up, she is always in a fluster and has a really elaborate excuse, usually involving rushing someone to hospital, or a car accident her "friend" was in, or an incredibly fluke, dramatic incident that's occured in town and she's had to stop to give a statement to police.......... seriously. Blatant OTT lies.

I spoke to her about it and said I've no issue babysitting her children if she's got things to do, wants to Xmas shop in peace, have her hair done, etc.. but she can't just be dropping them off as often as she has been and waltzing off all day with no notice. It's not fair. She agreed and apologised, but then texted later suggesting it's best to establish a routine, and for me to have them every Monday all day and Friday afternoons, PLUS every other Saturday night, overnight, so she can have a date night with her new boyfriend.

I said she couldn't just book me in indefinitely, I'm not a childminder, and I might not always be free, PLUS I'm 8 months pregnant and not prepared to take on that sort of commitment, but happy to have them every so often. She found this to be extremely unreasonable after I had offered to have them, sulked for a couple of weeks and then seemed to forget about it and contacted me asking me to have them while she went for her Xmas works do. I hadn't heard from her at all for a fortnight and thought it was a bit cheeky, but happy to bury the hatchet.

She asked me to have her girls Friday evening and if I would drop them off at hers at "8ish". I agreed to have them but said I'd feel more comfortable just keeping them overnight (because I know she has a tendency to go a bit overboard with drink and didn't want to leave her in charge of 2 small children pissed up, plus they might be in bed by then). She accepted. All hunky dory.

Saturday came. She was predictably unresponsive. I took my three, plus her two to the park in the morning. We came back, had lunch. Little ones had naps. Still, she was uncontactable. Finally she texted me to say she was really hungover but she was getting up now and coming to get them. I offered to drop them off at hers (didn't want her driving if she was still over the limit). She accepted. I loaded all 5 kids into the car, drove to her house. Parked on drive, got her 2 out of car... Curtains shut, didn't answer the door, the phone, nothing... I ended up putting kiddies back in my car and going home. Evening came round and I received a long text from her mum saying that my friend was really poorly, probably had food poisoning from the buffet at work do (bollocks, she'll have been bladdered) and could I keep the kids another night. I was furious by this point but kept them - her mum doesn't have a good track record for looking after the kids (ie "nips" to the shops and leaves them all unattended in the house, drinks A LOT when supposedly babysitting, leaves them sitting in the car while she does her food shop.. all big no-no's in my book) so didn't want to encourage her fetching them.

My friend did not come back for her kids until Monday late morning. My husband was off work last week using up some holidays days so was at home. I left him with all of the kids and went onto the drive to "have a chat" with friend. She admitted to having spent the weekend in bed with new boyfriend. That's it. I pointed out how selfish, immature and bloody ridiculous it was... and she kicked off, shouting and pointing at me, ranting and raving, and in a nutshell, I'm a horrible cow for finding her behaviour unreasonable. I'm her friend and I'm making her feel guilty for having a good time. I should be encouraging her to be happy and enjoy life, not throwing it in her face. I'm jealous because she has a social life and I'm "just a mum". I'm sad and pathetic and if I was happy for her, I wouldn't try to make her feel bad.

.... for abandoning her two small children for 3 days

She took the kids and went home in a temper. Messaged me today to say she's sorry for being horrible and know she has a temper. Sorry for taking advantage...... will I have them on Saturday night so her and boyfriend can go out for his brothers birthday

Give me STRENGTH.

I've done nothing yet but on the verge of blocking her number and ignoring (I'm not on social media) and ending our friendship over this. I'm absolutely furious. AIBU and angry in the heat of the moment, or would you just cut her out of your life?

Yes YABU because you’re a mug.

Another one saying get hold of Social Services and report, and tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck, then fuck off some more. Then block.

She needs reporting to social services. Her poor girls :(

I would of got to Sunday and rang the emergency SS and say she has abandoned her children.... and I'd still ring them now!!!

Why don't you have them tell her she HAS to pick them up at 10AM next day and if she doesn't don't contact her just ring SS... they will find mum and see what state she is In.

As hard as it is, it needs to be done, when I was at college it was located in quite a rough area with shops and takeaways outside of it, there was a woman crying sat on the floor with her little boy who must of been 3, she was completely of her face and he was starving!!! My friend and I took him with us bought him some snacks (she didn't even notice he was gone! and rang the police, they took the little boy and another car took the mum. I don't know what happened to the little boy he is probably in care now but at least he is alive and healthy!

I'd cal SS tbh

Please report.

My mother was like that.

My father was less than interested.

I was constantly dumped on various people until I was old enough to cop alone. Ten years old apparently.

You want to know why her kids are sweethearts?
They don't want to be dumped again.
They'll take kindness wherever they can find it.

Please report.

As one who was those children.

Please report.

I also think uou need to have a chat with social services these kids are neglected and it's not ok to enable the behaviour. I get you're trying to be kind but you're enabling it.

Call them and explain.

She is a shit friend and a shit parent but I doubt SS will be especially interested. By leaving the kids with you she knew they were safe and well cared for.

Tell her directly that you will not be having her kids again because she does not stick to the arrangement, because her Mum lied to you and because you have enough in your hands with your own kids and pregnancy.

Then block her.

@OneTiredMomma - what are you going to do?

Lose the user. Bloody hell!

Hi thank you for all the messages of advice and support. I am still yet to block her but confronted her via text last night. I'm on my laptop at the mo so can't copy and paste the messages but I'll give you the general run down and I'd like your thoughts again if possible?

I told her I am absolutely disgusted with her behaviour this weekend. Not only for abandoning her children, speaking to me like shit and acting like a total and utter selfish pillock. It's unfair not only to me and my family but most importantly to her girls. They deserve better than this and she has to step up or she will lose them. I've also explained that the only reason I haven't already cut her completely from my life is that I am so worried about her kids / what sorry excuse for a babysitter she will get in my place so that she can go out and enjoy herself. As far as I am concerned she is totally untrustworthy and failing miserably as a parent. I'm not even their mother and I seem to care more about their wellbeing than she does. And basically asked her to explain herself, and this time try thinking of the people around her rather than herself.

If anything at this point, I am building a case for social services. I want her to admit what she did in writing so I have something to present to an inspector. She can't claim "my word against yours" if she's admitted to it via text/email, surely?

Well, she messaged me back later on last night with a bit of a sob story, claiming post natal depression. She says she finds single motherhood / full time work very overwhelming and like she can't cope / suffocated / anxious, etc. She says she spends a lot of time crying, and I am her only source of help because she has a small family and can't turn to them. Her friends have dropped her for the most part since having kids. Her DD's father isn't in the picture (he walked out when she was pregnant with DD2). But she doesn't want to go to the doctors, she just needs help getting through it privately.

Now, I know that PND can make people do things, think things and rationalise things they wouldn't ordinarily do / think / rationalise. And believe it or not, before DD2 came along, she was an excellent mother to her older DD. Very maternal and caring. So what she says may have some truth behind it. But I also know she can be a little manipulative.

How would you take this? My instincts are telling me to continue helping her on very strict terms IF she agrees to go to the doctors, speak to a health visitor, or something, and get proper help and diagnosis. If she won't do this and at least meet me halfway, to just walk away. If she's going through some serious emotional and mental health problems, I don't want to be the one to walk away from her, but I also don't want her using trigger words to pull at my heart strings in order to continue using me as a doormat.

I don't have a lot of experience with PND so just SO unsure what to say at this point. I left it with her last night that I'd call her today and we'd talk but I'm not prepared to let her keep walking all over me.

Best way to approach conversation with her? Thanks again, I really needed the vent yesterday and HOPEFULLY getting somewhere now. xx

I'd text her back - "You're having a laugh, right? After last time where you left them with no contact from you for 3 days, no chance!" and then I'd block her number or have it automatically diverting to voicemail. In the meantime, I'd be contacting Social Services to report that a mother who effectively dumped her kids for 3 days so she could party is planning on doing similar again and you're concerned for the kids as this time you don't know who she will dump them on.

@Bluntness100 has it in a nutshell. If you help her out, you're enabling her to neglect her own kids. The poor kids. This is shocking reading.

Please report to the authorities.

Sorry - my post at 09:14:50 was in relation to your earlier post. It doesn't really make much sense following your update OP.

Op you are such a good friend, but she is taking the peees

I would still inform SS. They can then monitor the welfarevof the children and post mum to the help/support of other professionals.

Although I dont have any experience with PND I call bullshit to be honest. She hasn't come to you with this before, only in response to calling you out.

Totally agree with others saying you are enabling her. You need to end the 'friendship' immediately. Please dont think of you or her, but the kids. Do you honestly believe they are better off with her? If not, you know what you need to do.

I would still contact social services. She needs help with her depression not just help with enabling it. They may be able to offer her support and talk her into going to see a doctor.
I imagine it is really hard being in her situation but she isn't doing anything to help herself or her children.
A friend of mine had PND, she had loads of family and friend support but she still went completely off the rails. Her DH was beside himself. It wasn't until her mother took the baby and the DH in and threatened social services that she went to the doctors.
It was a rough ride but she's fine now. And a brilliant mother.

Just to add, she also said she didn't feel in her head that she was "abandoning" them because she knew they'd be safe with me and properly looked after. She says she just needed a break, (but she told me originally she'd spent the weekend in bed so WTF???)

I've told her leaving them anywhere, being uncontactable, refusing to answer her phone/door and leaving the girls alone like that is ABANDONMENT however she dresses it up and I think going out for her boyfriends brothers birthday Saturday night should be at the BOTTOM of her agenda.

This is going to end one of 2 ways for her, she either goes to a GP or I get SS involved. I don't see another way around it.

PS: I also see a lot of people calling me a mug, telling me to give my head a wobble and telling me to have a word with myself - what, and walk away from this not knowing what's in store for 2 small children?
I'm sorry but I just can't do that. At this stage I seem to be the only one who actually cares about what happens to them. This has been building and escalating for some time now with the 3 day abandonment ocurring just this weekend. I'm still in shock to be honest, it's been the most bizarre week of my life.

O dear. Don't help her, she is laughing at you.

You need to call SS.
Unless you could handle the guilt when eventually the neglect spirals out of control and a child ends up injured, abused or dead.

100% cut her off, she is not a friend, she is a child that is massively taking advantage of you. I would also inform social services that you are worried now that you are not in the picture, she is clearly not fit to be looking after such young children, and I'd be very worried about their welfare.

This is going to end one of 2 ways for her, she either goes to a GP or I get SS involved. I don't see another way around it.
Either way you need to contact SS.
If she's unable to care for her children due to PND the children still deserve care, SS can do that. Please don't leave these children to cope without professional help.

Also just to put in, you have been doing a wonderful thing, you are not being a mug. Those children never asked for this and do not deserve it, she should not have had children if she could not handle the commitment.

You are a kind person but you are not in a position to deal with this. How would you know if she actually went to a doctor even if she agreed to do it? You really can't trust anything she says at this point.

Also, you are having a baby very soon and will no longer have the time or attention for this, at least not without neglecting your own family.

Really your only viable option is SS. Let them do their job and help her and the kids. Unless you are prepared to foster them, all you're doing is providing a very kind temporary bandage.

She's manipulating you with words that she knows will make you feel sorry for her. Stay "friends" by all means but you are not doing those kids a kindness by ever taking them again, you are just enabling a feckless mother - and you know it.

How is their home generally? Apart from the binge drinking, does she need day to day support from social services do you think?