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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to end friendship over this??

324 replies

OneTiredMomma · 20/12/2018 17:15

I have a friend I've known for a few years. She used to be my neighbour before I moved house. We were always very friendly before but have become much closer in the last 3 years since she has had children. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 33, she's 25. None of her friends (all pals from school/college and similar age to her) have kids yet so she started getting in touch more when pregnant with her first as I was pregnant with my 3rd at the same time.

It's just lately I'm getting to the point with her where she is taking the piss out of me to be frank. We used to go to playgroup once a week / 2 weeks with the kids or do a little playdate at her house or mine.
She has recently gotten into a nasty habit of dropping her kids off at mine during our "playdate/group" time slot, saying she will be "an hour", and not come back ALL DAY - 9am until after 3pm. She has done this a few times this year and it seems to be becoming regular thing. Her girls are 9 months and 2.5 years, so need hands-on care obviously.

She is generally uncontactable during this time period, doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer calls.. When she arrives to pick them up, she is always in a fluster and has a really elaborate excuse, usually involving rushing someone to hospital, or a car accident her "friend" was in, or an incredibly fluke, dramatic incident that's occured in town and she's had to stop to give a statement to police.......... seriously. Blatant OTT lies.

I spoke to her about it and said I've no issue babysitting her children if she's got things to do, wants to Xmas shop in peace, have her hair done, etc.. but she can't just be dropping them off as often as she has been and waltzing off all day with no notice. It's not fair. She agreed and apologised, but then texted later suggesting it's best to establish a routine, and for me to have them every Monday all day and Friday afternoons, PLUS every other Saturday night, overnight, so she can have a date night with her new boyfriend. Hmm

I said she couldn't just book me in indefinitely, I'm not a childminder, and I might not always be free, PLUS I'm 8 months pregnant and not prepared to take on that sort of commitment, but happy to have them every so often. She found this to be extremely unreasonable after I had offered to have them, sulked for a couple of weeks and then seemed to forget about it and contacted me asking me to have them while she went for her Xmas works do. I hadn't heard from her at all for a fortnight and thought it was a bit cheeky, but happy to bury the hatchet.

She asked me to have her girls Friday evening and if I would drop them off at hers at "8ish". I agreed to have them but said I'd feel more comfortable just keeping them overnight (because I know she has a tendency to go a bit overboard with drink and didn't want to leave her in charge of 2 small children pissed up, plus they might be in bed by then). She accepted. All hunky dory.

Saturday came. She was predictably unresponsive. I took my three, plus her two to the park in the morning. We came back, had lunch. Little ones had naps. Still, she was uncontactable. Finally she texted me to say she was really hungover but she was getting up now and coming to get them. I offered to drop them off at hers (didn't want her driving if she was still over the limit). She accepted. I loaded all 5 kids into the car, drove to her house. Parked on drive, got her 2 out of car... Curtains shut, didn't answer the door, the phone, nothing... I ended up putting kiddies back in my car and going home. Evening came round and I received a long text from her mum saying that my friend was really poorly, probably had food poisoning from the buffet at work do (bollocks, she'll have been bladdered) and could I keep the kids another night. I was furious by this point but kept them - her mum doesn't have a good track record for looking after the kids (ie "nips" to the shops and leaves them all unattended in the house, drinks A LOT when supposedly babysitting, leaves them sitting in the car while she does her food shop.. all big no-no's in my book) so didn't want to encourage her fetching them.

My friend did not come back for her kids until Monday late morning. Angry My husband was off work last week using up some holidays days so was at home. I left him with all of the kids and went onto the drive to "have a chat" with friend. She admitted to having spent the weekend in bed with new boyfriend. That's it. I pointed out how selfish, immature and bloody ridiculous it was... and she kicked off, shouting and pointing at me, ranting and raving, and in a nutshell, I'm a horrible cow for finding her behaviour unreasonable. I'm her friend and I'm making her feel guilty for having a good time. I should be encouraging her to be happy and enjoy life, not throwing it in her face. I'm jealous because she has a social life and I'm "just a mum". I'm sad and pathetic and if I was happy for her, I wouldn't try to make her feel bad.

.... for abandoning her two small children for 3 days Confused

She took the kids and went home in a temper. Messaged me today to say she's sorry for being horrible and know she has a temper. Sorry for taking advantage...... will I have them on Saturday night so her and boyfriend can go out for his brothers birthday Shock

Give me STRENGTH. Angry

I've done nothing yet but on the verge of blocking her number and ignoring (I'm not on social media) and ending our friendship over this. I'm absolutely furious. AIBU and angry in the heat of the moment, or would you just cut her out of your life?

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 21/12/2018 11:59

I may have missed it but where is the kids dad in all of this?

Motoko · 21/12/2018 12:16

He walked out when the "friend" was pregnant with child 2.

wowfudge · 21/12/2018 12:17

@SpiritedLondon - the OP has stated that he does not maintain contact with the children.

irregularegular · 21/12/2018 12:22

Wow. I'm stunned. Not read the full thread and this is probably a pointless comment a this point. But do people really behave like this? And think it is reasonable??? You are SO not BU!

TeddybearBaby · 21/12/2018 13:27

What did social services say? X

CanaryFish · 21/12/2018 13:33

I think even you take her story as gospel - it’s possible, a young mother two kids under 3 might feel suffocated and need to “unwind” or whatever - she needs to do this is a proper way.
I think I’d tell her if she wants to spend her weekend in bed that’s her choice but she needs to arrange proper childcare (and pay for it )
As much as you care for those children and worry about them what would happen if you weren’t around? She’d have to sort something else out then.
Or how would you feel if one of the children had an accident in your care and you couldn’t contact her ??
She’s using you

katseyes7 · 21/12/2018 13:40

l agree 100% with those posters who have said you should contact social services. For whatever reason she's not bothered about her kids. And yes, block her. She's taking the piss big time.

katseyes7 · 21/12/2018 13:42

Just as an afterthought, has it occurred to her what would happen if you went into early labour when you're looking after her children?

DangerousBeanz · 21/12/2018 13:56

Thank you for contacting social services, this is the first step to this mum and those girls getting the support they so desperately need.

CallMeRachel · 21/12/2018 16:04

I always wonder in cases like these where the father has upped and left and has no interest in his kids where are the wider family?

If my son was to ever get a girlfriend pregnant before being married I would definitely want to be involved and have a relationship with the mother and child regardless if he had an input or not.

Just sad to think there's all these grannies, grandads, aunts uncles and cousins out there in these casual type set ups that are missing out, along with the kids.

BlackberryandNettle · 21/12/2018 17:09

Bloody hell that's the biggest piss take I've ever heard of. I'd report her to ss for neglect and block her number. Don't respond to any more appeals for childcare or any messages or calls again, ever.

limpbizkit · 21/12/2018 17:18

I read this post with utter disbelief. You're heavily pregnant and looking after 5 very young children. What a Saint!!! Her audacity to even ask you to be childcare for her and then not be available when she's told you she'll be there to accept them back!! This makes for astonishing reading. OK so let's face it she probably has got some underlying coping issues. But where does the CF attitude come from? There's no excuse for that. None. In this case sadly I do think social services need to be informed. This is abondement and neglect and she's not willing to accept help so I think it needs forcing upon her for her girls sake. I'd take a really big step back. You haven't even got to over explain it. Any sane person surely can see what ages done to you is above and beyond piss taking? Nobody would put up with that. Some remorse may go in her favour to both you and her poor children. Blimey... Sympathy for you

limpbizkit · 21/12/2018 17:22

What did your husband say about all of this? I know mine would have been utterly furious and wouldn't have been so kind about making it known too.

Sparklesocks · 21/12/2018 17:29

Those poor kiddies 💔
Well done OP for taking action

SeaWitchly · 21/12/2018 17:32

Agree with MrsTWH - cut her off and inform social services.

BusyMum47 · 21/12/2018 17:39

OMG! Cut her loose NOW- permanently - she is NOT your friend!!

BarbaraRoyale · 21/12/2018 17:48

well done for informing SS OP , hopefully she will start to get the help she needs
I think you should take a big step back now , hard as it is

ohfourfoxache · 21/12/2018 17:49

Fucking hell, those poor kids Sad

Iloveacurry · 21/12/2018 17:55

Tell to fuck off and then block her. She’s a user.

FishFingersAndCustard11 · 21/12/2018 18:06

Her behaviour is unacceptable and she needs a kick up the backside.

SpiritedLondon · 21/12/2018 20:40

@CallMeRachel

I agree about the wider family - whether on his side or her side. I know in my wider family there’s no way we would exclude any child if we knew about them ( whether the mother was an ex or a current partner). My sisters ex partner went on to have another child and my mum has made sure the mother and child were invited to events and included in the general handing down of baby equipment because she was on her own and we knew what a tight git the dad was. Interesting to know the family situation in this case.

Motoko · 21/12/2018 21:13

@OneTiredMomma I know you said you were going to ring SS, what did they say?

I'm also curious like a pp about what your DH thought of all this. As lovely as my DH is, I think he'd have let me know in no uncertain terms that this couldn't carry on. I think he'd have told her that she wasn't going to dump her children on us any more, if I didn't.

TheDarkPassenger · 21/12/2018 23:00

I would have rang the police tbh. I would encourage calling social services now.

TheDarkPassenger · 21/12/2018 23:01

Oh sorry, there were 2 extra pages I clearly skipped on

winteryslippers · 21/12/2018 23:47

Thank you for being the angel these two girls needed xx