AIBU to end friendship over this??

[OneTiredMomma]

I have a friend I've known for a few years. She used to be my neighbour before I moved house. We were always very friendly before but have become much closer in the last 3 years since she has had children. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 33, she's 25. None of her friends (all pals from school/college and similar age to her) have kids yet so she started getting in touch more when pregnant with her first as I was pregnant with my 3rd at the same time.

It's just lately I'm getting to the point with her where she is taking the piss out of me to be frank. We used to go to playgroup once a week / 2 weeks with the kids or do a little playdate at her house or mine.
She has recently gotten into a nasty habit of dropping her kids off at mine during our "playdate/group" time slot, saying she will be "an hour", and not come back ALL DAY - 9am until after 3pm. She has done this a few times this year and it seems to be becoming regular thing. Her girls are 9 months and 2.5 years, so need hands-on care obviously.

She is generally uncontactable during this time period, doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer calls.. When she arrives to pick them up, she is always in a fluster and has a really elaborate excuse, usually involving rushing someone to hospital, or a car accident her "friend" was in, or an incredibly fluke, dramatic incident that's occured in town and she's had to stop to give a statement to police.......... seriously. Blatant OTT lies.

I spoke to her about it and said I've no issue babysitting her children if she's got things to do, wants to Xmas shop in peace, have her hair done, etc.. but she can't just be dropping them off as often as she has been and waltzing off all day with no notice. It's not fair. She agreed and apologised, but then texted later suggesting it's best to establish a routine, and for me to have them every Monday all day and Friday afternoons, PLUS every other Saturday night, overnight, so she can have a date night with her new boyfriend.

I said she couldn't just book me in indefinitely, I'm not a childminder, and I might not always be free, PLUS I'm 8 months pregnant and not prepared to take on that sort of commitment, but happy to have them every so often. She found this to be extremely unreasonable after I had offered to have them, sulked for a couple of weeks and then seemed to forget about it and contacted me asking me to have them while she went for her Xmas works do. I hadn't heard from her at all for a fortnight and thought it was a bit cheeky, but happy to bury the hatchet.

She asked me to have her girls Friday evening and if I would drop them off at hers at "8ish". I agreed to have them but said I'd feel more comfortable just keeping them overnight (because I know she has a tendency to go a bit overboard with drink and didn't want to leave her in charge of 2 small children pissed up, plus they might be in bed by then). She accepted. All hunky dory.

Saturday came. She was predictably unresponsive. I took my three, plus her two to the park in the morning. We came back, had lunch. Little ones had naps. Still, she was uncontactable. Finally she texted me to say she was really hungover but she was getting up now and coming to get them. I offered to drop them off at hers (didn't want her driving if she was still over the limit). She accepted. I loaded all 5 kids into the car, drove to her house. Parked on drive, got her 2 out of car... Curtains shut, didn't answer the door, the phone, nothing... I ended up putting kiddies back in my car and going home. Evening came round and I received a long text from her mum saying that my friend was really poorly, probably had food poisoning from the buffet at work do (bollocks, she'll have been bladdered) and could I keep the kids another night. I was furious by this point but kept them - her mum doesn't have a good track record for looking after the kids (ie "nips" to the shops and leaves them all unattended in the house, drinks A LOT when supposedly babysitting, leaves them sitting in the car while she does her food shop.. all big no-no's in my book) so didn't want to encourage her fetching them.

My friend did not come back for her kids until Monday late morning. My husband was off work last week using up some holidays days so was at home. I left him with all of the kids and went onto the drive to "have a chat" with friend. She admitted to having spent the weekend in bed with new boyfriend. That's it. I pointed out how selfish, immature and bloody ridiculous it was... and she kicked off, shouting and pointing at me, ranting and raving, and in a nutshell, I'm a horrible cow for finding her behaviour unreasonable. I'm her friend and I'm making her feel guilty for having a good time. I should be encouraging her to be happy and enjoy life, not throwing it in her face. I'm jealous because she has a social life and I'm "just a mum". I'm sad and pathetic and if I was happy for her, I wouldn't try to make her feel bad.

.... for abandoning her two small children for 3 days

She took the kids and went home in a temper. Messaged me today to say she's sorry for being horrible and know she has a temper. Sorry for taking advantage...... will I have them on Saturday night so her and boyfriend can go out for his brothers birthday

Give me STRENGTH.

I've done nothing yet but on the verge of blocking her number and ignoring (I'm not on social media) and ending our friendship over this. I'm absolutely furious. AIBU and angry in the heat of the moment, or would you just cut her out of your life?

OP, I had absolutely horrific PND with both of my DDs. It absolutely does not make you dump your children for three days to stay in bed with your boyfriend!!! She's using it as an excuse for horrendous behaviour and I think if she was truly as ill as she's claiming then she'd want to get better I.e. go to her GP and beg for help. I'd get SS involved - if her issue truly is PND they will be able to provide her with the help and support she needs to look after her children and get better.

@richierichardsaunt Your post spoke to me just now. I'm ringing SS RIGHT now. I have just spoken to her. I couldn't wait to get this sorted any longer. She is refusing a GP, admits to what she did but keeps justifying it with various excuses which frankly are just making my blood BOIL. "I knew they were well looked after" "I just needed to unwind" "It's a new relationship" "K doesn't have kids of his own, we wanted time alone". I mean fucking WOW. She is claiming PND one minute and then shrugging it off as "a bit of baby blues" and planning her weekend the next???
How does anyone even BEGIN justify that ^^ I'm just in a state of disbelief and rage. I'm just glad I have it all in writing.
I've given her the benefit of the doubt FAR MORE than she deserves and now I'm just rabidly furious. I'm not even going to give her the opportunity to screw me over again on Saturday but I know if I don't do something now she'll end up handing them over to any old fuckwit for the night and I'll spend the weekend sick worrying about them.

What a nightmare for you OP. I say get SS involved because then she will be forced to get the help she so clearly needs. She might even thank you one day. SS are not about taking the children, they do try their best to help and if I was in that situation - I'd want the help. I had terrible PND with my second, had split up with her Dad, I was offered counselling and used to go to an SS run group therapy type thing with other single mothers that were struggling. It was a godsend, it at least got me out of the house and meeting new people!

It must be very confusing for your children too. I remember as a 3 or 4 year old having this 'baby' staying, I've forgotten his name now, he must have been 18 months - his Mum dropped him off with mine on the Friday for one night and didn't come back until the Tuesday! I remember asking my Mum if baby was going to be our family now (secretly hoping so haha, Mum thinking no way!!)

Well done for calling her out. You would not be wrong at all to force the help she needs upon her because you simply cannot drag yourself out of PND yourself.

Good luck OP!

cross post!! Yes report her now, the childrens welfare must come first and they are NOT your responsibility. New partner FFS...

Has she ever mentioned PND before?

To be honest, if sounds like she's using PND like people excuse affairs because of a "breakdown"
They just want you to then feel sympathy whilst they still act like arseholes

She’s obviously struggling. I’d involve social services, what in her life is going to change so she can cope better?

As for ending the friendship - it's not a friendship! Are you getting anything out of having her as a friend?

richie your post was very moving to me also. Thank you for posting, I’m so sorry you went through that.

Those kids are lucky they have someone looking out for them.

The question I'd be asking is how long will you be involved and looking out for them? Because it can't go on like this indefinitely. So when will you be able to walk away? SS may get involved but may not do much, so then what? I'm not saying do nothing or that you're a mug, I actually think you're being a brilliant advocate for those kids, but where will it end?

Big hugs to you. Not a stress you need at the end of pregnancy!

Block her and inform social services. She is an unfit mother and her behaviour would make me think the kids are in danger. It makes me sick to think people like her have kids.

@astoundedgoat
Her home is generally clean and tidy, but there's been occasions I have had to do her pots, or take some washing with me because it was just but she's always had an excuse like she's been tired from work, had a couple of days out, it's just got on top of her.. which I can believe but it's been at the point where I've had to help during a visit because I can see she's a bit floundered. But it's not every time. It's been happening more and more since new boyfriend has been in the picture.

The kids are always immaculately dressed. Always does their hair nicely, brushes their teeth etc.. they never look scruffy or unclean particularly, no nappy rashes, well fed...

They don't give me the impression of kids that are physically neglected, but the older one has the makings of some separation anxiety (surprise surprise). She got upset a few times this weekend when I went to carry the washing upstairs, or took the bin out. She had to come with me and "help". She didn't move far from my side at the park. But my own 2 year old can be a little bit like that, so not sure if I'm reading into it too much? She strikes me as VERY affectionate for a child her age. She would sit and cuddle you all day if she could, arms clamped around your neck. She asks to be held at bedtime while she falls asleep. I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday night lying on the floor at the side of the toddler bed stroking her hair because she became very upset at bedtime. And it wasn't just a "I'm not tired" upset, it was a "please don't leave me" upset. She sleeps through the night but will wake up shouting me to open the baby gate and then be glued to me all day. She doesn't seem interested in playing with toys, just keeping an eye on you.

I get the impression from older DD like she really likes it at my house and feels more settled. She got milk at bedtime and we had stories and tucked in properly. My kids are 2, 4 and 6. I think she likes that company of being in a busy house and there lots of people around. I could just cry thinking about it, I really hope SS give her mum the kick up the arse she needs

Well done. You are definitely doing the right thing, though I appreciate it is hard. I hope those kids get some help and stability.

I don't think SS will do anything because she knew where the children were and they were being cared for.

You cant believe anything she says. She is doing it because you are enabling her. You either continue to be a martyr or tell her you wont do it anymore and she will then need to stay in and parent or find alternative childcare. It isn't your responsibility to ensure that childcare is of a standard acceptable to you.

What an odd comment. I dont think that childcare is of a standard anyone on this thread finds acceptable. Except for you that is.

Brokenwing do you not get that OP is worried for those children, have you actually read the full thread?

BrokenWing is right, not much SS will do here, especially as kids are not physically neglected and well fed. Hopefully they can give the mum a kick up the bum though.

And BrokenWing didn't say that the mum's standard of childcare is acceptable. But short of taking in the children permanently (which the mum wouldn't allow), there's not much OP can do. Much better to stop enabling the terrible parenting by stopping the babysitting and sleepovers.

Too bad you didn't call the police to break the door down when you brought the kids back. She is immature and is treating you like you are her mother (not to imply I treat my mother like that... lol). Those poor babies.

I would be tempted to say 'sure' and give her a set time to pick them up. When she doesn't bother and is unreachable, call the police and report them abandoned. Two birds, one stone.

Just wanted to say thank you for reporting to SS.
Even if they don't feel they can do anything, at least she'll be on their radar.

Bless you OP.
If someone had bothered about me when I was as young, it would've meant the world that they at least tried.

Thank you.

SS are more likely to listen to what they deem an "independent" report than a family report ie ex partner etc and it may be that they visit.

I am a kinship carer and our problems began like this and got much, much worse. I feel so very sorry for the children. I have now brought up a second family and the eldest boy is sixteen now. Please don't plug the gap any more. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have been a fantastic friend but you need to get on with your own life now you have made the report.

She needs to realise she is on a slippery slope here and could face losing her children. I do wonder where the childrens' father is in all of this - sorry if I have missed a post about this.

She's the type that would make your life a misery if something was to happen whilst the kids are in your care. Run!!!

Oh my GOD OP.

You've done the right thing.

Aww @OneTiredMomma your update has made me cry and I need to go out soon!! That little girl 💜 it just breaks your heart doesn't it. I bet she's as good as gold too.

Well done, what a relief to know you've got those kids backs and it's not to be nasty, SS will look to support their mum not just rip her kids away.

Omfg. People like this should not reproduce

I was half way through your OP and thinking "the friend is having an affair" not realising she is a single parent. What a shit she is and you're doing the right thing reporting her. Someone less selfish would perhaps be worried that seeing the GP about PND might end up with SS involved so I just don't believe her. How long before she is pregnant again and there's another poor child desperate for this feckless woman's love and attention?

I agree SS is the right thing. Given the timings I would also wonder if she was doing ahem escort work.