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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless - Colleagues comment

115 replies

Last2Know · 20/12/2018 10:35

I don't know why I am feeling angry/upset about this comment, IAprobablyBU.

I don't have children, I am in a lesbian relationship and we are saving for fertility treatment but it is a LONG way off.

We are finding not having children difficult but it doesn't control our lives.

Colleague (also a lesbian, has 3yo twins via IVF, we were friends before we worked together) just came into our office and everyone was talking about christmas. I said I was so excited! Myself and DP are very strict with money throughout the year but always spend a little extra at Christmas.

Colleague/friend said to me with a frown "Ahh christmas isn't the same without kids, honestly. Having kids is what makes christmas. Like, I used to get excited before kids but now its fab".

I didn't say anything, she doesn't know we are saving for IVF but I still found this comment quite mean.

She had just mentioned that she missed out on tickets for a show I have some for so I waited a few minutes then threw that in lol.

Maybe she is right though, maybe christmas is all about the children.

Hmmph.

So, to mumsnetters who do not have children, what are you most looking forward to over Christmas? And to those with Children, is there anything you miss in general since havign children? *clasps at straws

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 20/12/2018 10:40

She was insensitive. Even if she didn't know about your specific circumstances, most adults should be aware that there are people who are struggling to have children or have lost children.

Christmas is about what you make it about. I make it about love, fun, happiness and reminding myself to try and not be a pratt to other people.

I hope you and your partner have a lovely Christmas together.

malificent7 · 20/12/2018 10:42

She's talking bollocks...Christmas is for everyone.

Timeforabiscuit · 20/12/2018 10:43

I miss drinking on christmas day, dh and I used to laze round watching films and having lots of sex in the middle of the day. I didnt have to share, set a good example, or ensure other people didnt eat whole selection boxes for breakfast.

Honestly, people who big up one day being magical tend to have things which are falling apart behind the scenes - kids put a massive strain on relationships and the stress and expectations of christmas can be unreal - there is a dark side to all that "making memories" stuff.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 20/12/2018 10:44

First off, have a hug - your colleague was crass and rude. Those who ever make comments along the line of “my life/experience is better than yours because I have children and you don’t” need a firm slap, followed by being roundly ignored.

I don’t have children and I love Christmas. I look forward to all of it: the lights, the sparkle, catching up with friends and family, the break-from-the-norm of it all, crowded pubs full of decorations, food, drink, favourite old films on telly, the whole shebang. You don’t need children to love Christmas, OP - crack on just as you are :)

FuckingYuleLog · 20/12/2018 10:47

She was insensitive. I’ve loved all kinds of Christmases. Obviously when you are the kid yourself it’s the best imo but Christmases with my partner before kids are some of my most special memories. I only wish we’d gone away one year when it was easier/less expensive. Christmas with kids is lovely and I’m sure when I’m older I’ll enjoy going to my kids or nieces/nephews and being cooked for. No-one has a monopoly on Christmas fun!

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks · 20/12/2018 10:47

What a stupid thing to say.

Christmas is a lovely time of year, when you genuinely see compassion and generosity and it's loads of fun as well. Sure, having kids adds a different dimension to the proceedings, but it doesn't make it better just different. You get the magic of Santa and all that stuff, but it can become all focused on the kids and they are kind of put under pressure to express non-stop glee all day. I do miss the more relaxed, warm, drunken, cosy Christmases of my pre-child days, but they will come round again when DD is in her teens, and meanwhile I am enjoying the whole Santa/elves/reindeer stuff.

Anyway, I've watched Muppet Christmas Carol every years since 1992 and only had DD in 2013, what sort of person scrapes through miserable joyless Christmas year after year, putting it all on hold until a child enters the frame FFS?

TinkerSpy · 20/12/2018 10:48

Well, that was insensitive.

Do you think she said it without thinking, though?

I've often said something and immediately felt the big fat foot I just inserted in my mouth.

OohBabyBabeh · 20/12/2018 10:49

The fact she had ivf herself makes me think that maybe she didn't mean to be mean. She obviously wanted kids as bad as yourself and now she's enjoying that (such as you will when you save up)

Sassypants82 · 20/12/2018 10:49

I do have children & I love Christmas with them but, I look back very fondly & miss the adult Christmases I had with my parents and siblings all as adults before any of us had kids. My folks always hosted our neighbours and friends for drinks at 11am, then we'd have a beautiful meal together in the afternoon, lots of wine, present swopping & banter. It would go on until the late evening and we'd trickle back to our own homes or to parties elsewhere etc. I loved it & really miss it. Now we have kids, it's ALL about them & it's definitely alot less relaxing. Mine are still small so I'm dealing with naps etc but as much as it's lovely it's stressful to be out of our house for most of the day & have to hurry home at a reasonable hour to get them to bed.

Your colleague was very insensitive and I'm sure you'll have an amazing day, your own way. Happy Christmas OP.

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks · 20/12/2018 10:50

Also, there is a LOT to be said for getting arseholed on Christmas Eve, then having a lovely lazy lie-in breakfast-in-bed snuggly pyjamas cosy cuddled up sort of Christmas day, as when you have a 5 year old jumping on your head at 4:26am you will not be able to do that!

Thisonewilldo · 20/12/2018 10:51

Its a lot more work with children. I wouldn't say I enjoy it any more than pre kids tbh.

Lydiaatthebarre · 20/12/2018 10:51

Stupid insensitive comment.

Probably before she had kids she didn't have the imagination to make Christmas in any way magical, so does notice a big difference now.

But not all childless people spend their Christmases lurching from one party to the next. I do lots of stuff that has meaning for me and makes Christmas special.

jessstan2 · 20/12/2018 10:52

Christmas isn't all about children, that was a stupid tactless thing to say but you do hear people say it quite often.

Don't let it get to you.

Lydiaatthebarre · 20/12/2018 10:53

What's the betting she'll soon start insisting she has the days around Christmas off every year because 'I have kids'.

MagnificentSevenHeaven · 20/12/2018 10:55

My kids are grown up and I can honestly say that Christmas was more "Christmassy" when they were young - a palpable excitement in the air.

We still really enjoy Christmas, but an Adult Only Christmas is totally different from one with kids and sometimes I miss that magic.

ChrisTheCat · 20/12/2018 10:55

Christmas is for everyone and Christmas with two 3 year olds will be a fair old ballache, trust me! Have a fab holiday Smile

Jackshouse · 20/12/2018 10:55

I love Christmas and I have a 2.5 year old. I love being a parent but in all honesty I preferred Christmas pre-child.
Christmas nights out.
Drinking - no fun when you have to get up.
Costs less
Lay in bed. DD thinks 6.20 is morning.
Eating lots of cheese and watching TV. DD cant have dairy.
I’m pregnant- so no alcohol, Brie or pate and I feel and look crap.
Being spontaneous.
Less hassle buying and wrapping presents.
Eating trifle and chocolate for breakfast.
No proper meal times. DD need feeding 3 sets a day.
This year I’m expecting her to be over excited, tired and tantruming mess.

I’ve depressed myself now. Hmm

Feb2018mumma · 20/12/2018 10:56

In all honesty I wish I had enjoyed my last baby free Christmas more! Go out, drink too much at a Christmas market and enjoy! Maybe she is trying to convince herself rather than you! When you have a baby it is a different type of Christmas, e.g. santa trips and sing songs rather than nights out and dressing up in nice clothes! Enjoy your Christmas and ignore her Flowers

Original poster
Last2Know · 20/12/2018 10:56

Do you think she said it without thinking, though

I thought so at the beginning but she went on and on about it.

Her and her GF once posted on FB on April fools pretending they were pregnant again. Another friend of mine shared the meme about not joking about pregnancy because others are struggling. Her GF posted a rant about being able to post whatever she wanted.

I found this quite crass as I was very aware of the struggle they went through to have their children. I watched their own tears and listened to their struggles.

They aren't very nice people tbh. My DP can't stand them. They took the side of my abusive gaslighting ex so I stopped being friends with them. However one of them started working in my company so I am civil.

OP posts:
Lydiaatthebarre · 20/12/2018 10:57

Well thank you Magnificent I'm sure that's cheered the OP up.

Original poster
Last2Know · 20/12/2018 10:57

She also keeps saying I need to start thinking of children because I am getting older! (37 so... true but still)

OP posts:
Original poster
Last2Know · 20/12/2018 10:59

No Lydia, honestly I'm not mooching or moping. It just hurt a little.

Me and DP have a lovely christmas, we wake up and do presents then I cook the dinner and we watch all our favourite christmas specials and have drinks and play board games.

I just hate that she made ma feel like a fool for possibly thinking I could have a good christmas without children!

OP posts:
ShastaBeast · 20/12/2018 10:59

Christmas is what you make it. I’d love a child free Christmas because I hate it - scars from my own childhood. You can’t avoid it with kids and have to get carried along with it.

There are loads of positives of life without kids, make the most of it while you can!

ShadyLady53 · 20/12/2018 11:00

I sort of get her point. I’m 34, very single and would love to be a mother. I have found Christmas to be miserable for the past few years as it just highlights what I don’t have and may never have. I work with a lot of families over Christmas and I feel I can’t relate to what everyone else has in terms of family and excitement. The people my age with kids definitely seem to have a more exciting and magical time, seeing Christmas through their childrens’
eyes and planning lots of things to make them extra happy.

It was a little insensitive perhaps and a lot depends on the tone it was said in. If it was said in a gloating way, that’s bang out of order. If it was said in more of a sympathetic way and she knows you plan on eventually having a family, it could have been a clumsy attempt at getting you excited for the future.

Anyway, best of luck with your fertility journey and enjoy this Christmas regardless of other’s comments.

olympicsrock · 20/12/2018 11:00

I have children and miss things like going to lots of Christmas parties, going to church to sing carols ( without a child wingding that they are bored!) . It’s much less stressful prekids and there is less mess to clear up