Childless - Colleagues comment

[Last2Know]

I don't know why I am feeling angry/upset about this comment, IAprobablyBU.

I don't have children, I am in a lesbian relationship and we are saving for fertility treatment but it is a LONG way off.

We are finding not having children difficult but it doesn't control our lives.

Colleague (also a lesbian, has 3yo twins via IVF, we were friends before we worked together) just came into our office and everyone was talking about christmas. I said I was so excited! Myself and DP are very strict with money throughout the year but always spend a little extra at Christmas.

Colleague/friend said to me with a frown "Ahh christmas isn't the same without kids, honestly. Having kids is what makes christmas. Like, I used to get excited before kids but now its fab".

I didn't say anything, she doesn't know we are saving for IVF but I still found this comment quite mean.

She had just mentioned that she missed out on tickets for a show I have some for so I waited a few minutes then threw that in lol.

Maybe she is right though, maybe christmas is all about the children.

Hmmph.

So, to mumsnetters who do not have children, what are you most looking forward to over Christmas? And to those with Children, is there anything you miss in general since havign children? *clasps at straws

I'm unhappily childless at 42 but I try to make the best of Christmas.

I spend Christmas Day at my younger sisters, she cooks a lovely meal, we all open presents then later on make a buffet & watch tv, just chilled out & lazy.

On Boxing Day I go to my favourite auntie for a family party. I also catch up with my friends over Christmas.

However much id love a baby I'm aware of how much hard work children are, my best friend has a baby & a two year old & isn't really coping.
Her two year old is extremely lively & destructive.
The baby is ebf & unsettled now most of the time.
So I don't think she'll have a chilled out Christmas bless her!

whiteroseredrose

What made you post that?

It is in my opinion. Single mum and yep young children here. In itself I don’t care Christmas but because of my children - I care very deeply about it

She sounds like the sort of person that when you have your own child, she will tell you that having twins is so much better or how should couldn’t bear the thought of only have one child.

Yes, I was about to say a version of this. I have an incredible bore of a colleague whose idea of a conversation is asking anyone in earshot a question, and telling them at length why her version of whatever it is (a phone contract, an office chair, a route to somewhere) is better. I imagine anyone whose idea of human interaction is so basic I can entirely imagine her being genuinely baffled and saying 'But I was only giving you the information!' would be equally likely to tell people why her version of Christmas is better than other people's.

Don't let it get to you, OP. These people are the conversational equivalent of two Stone Age people hitting one another on the head with clubs.

I had happily childfree Christmases until I had a child at 39 we now have a hysterically over-excited six year old and, as with so much in life, there are differently good things about both, for me.

Good luck with the IVF, OP, and have a lovely Christmas.

Bollocks. My best ever Christmas was on my own, because I did what I wanted. I say that as a mother of 4.

Thanks calvinsmam. I'm probably being a bit dramatic - it's just whenever I think of Christmas (this year especially for some reason) I am just filled with dread.

I just am not in the Christmas spirit, but maybe once work is done and school is done and we can relax a bit, it will kick in.

I think a lot of it is down to expectation. I loved Christmas as a child, and even in my 20s, but now Christmas isn't really about what I want, or even what I believe all that much, it's about other people who don't fit into my way of thinking (which is not necessarily a bad thing, just hard to deal with sometimes!) and I feel like it's always me that makes the compromises. I've been feeling that way a lot recently, not just about Christmas but life in general. It's me who has to give in, me who makes space, or makes changes, or goes without. I haven't opened a single advent calendar window (and I only got a paper one, no chocolate!) despite everyone in the family getting their own calendar. Every time I have gone to open it, it's either already done or one of the kids screams and wants to do it and what kind of petty bitch would I be to refuse?

I think my biggest issue is that I can't immerse myself in what Christmas means to me. But maybe watching something on Christmas Day when the inlaws are here is something I can do. We are doing something called Blue Christmas at my church this weekend, which is for people who don't like or enjoy Christmas for whatever reason. I was going to go because I've been so down about it this year, but as usual someone else's wants take priority and my husband has invited some friends over so I have to be at home... Never mind!

'We are doing something called Blue Christmas at my church this weekend, which is for people who don't like or enjoy Christmas for whatever reason. '.
That's a lovely idea. There's so much pressure to be cheerful and excited at this time of year. It's very healing just to have someone acknowledge that Christmas can be a crappy time

I’m infertile, going through IVF, and the best thing about Christmas is the opportunity to chill with my dh and get involved with all the xmas festivities in our extended families. I have always loved christmas, I love decorating the house, love putting the tree up, love putting on a full xmas meal even if it’s just for me and my dh.

Why do you have to be at home for dh’s friends jay?
I would just go

She is insensitive and it was mean what she said. We tried for a very long time for our dc. Christmas is different with children. Before the kids it was much more relaxed for me! I used to love spending the morning opening presents, then I would go into the kitchen with the radio on playing Christmas songs while I made Christmas dinner, and having a little tipple at the same time! It was bliss, peaceful, relaxed and all about me and dh. These days it's just hectic.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas op, and good luck for the future.

Ebenezer Scrooge didn't have kids and yet still managed to keep Christmas all the days of his life. So there.

Christmas is more 'magic' with small kids, but it's also much much more wasteful and exhausting and it is ALL about them and no-one else. It's like....going to a party with a really drunk mate who gets over-emotional and whom you have to follow round, apologising for them and clearing up all things they have dropped/spilled/broken.

Hmm. I used to get really good presents and drink champagne all day and watch good tv. Now we don't buy for each other because we buy for dd, can't really drink all day anymore - and end up watching My Little Pony rather than Eastenders. And you have to visit all the grandparents too!

Maybe I'm slightly tongue in cheek as it's very nice to see dd all excited but seriously enjoy it for what it is at the moment as it will all change when you have children and be different.

Your colleague is pretty thoughtless.

as usual someone else's wants take priority and my husband has invited some friends over so I have to be at home... Never mind!

JayoftheRed, there's absolutely no need for you to be at home just because your husband invited friends, or for his organ playing to take priority over your deep desire to go to Midnight Mass which is not a lot to ask! or indeed for anyone else's wishes to take priority over yours all the time.

You are not being a 'petty bitch' to teach your children (and husband) that sometimes we all compromise, and that sometimes your wishes take priority.

It's a harsh realisation, but absolutely no one appreciates the person who always gives in and gives way and is the one who adjusts their plans it makes them invisible and taken for granted. Yes, Jesus said 'Blessed are the meek', but did not advocate being a general doormat and storing up, as is obvious from your first post, considerable anger about the endless compromises you make. I was the eldest child of that person the difference being that she saw her daughters as part of her, so expected us to give way to everyone else because she did -- and it was an awful way to grow up.

Model assertiveness for your children, if you can't for yourself.

I am acutely aware of people who might want children and don't have them. I was in this position about 10 years ago. I really wanted a child. Now I am a single mother with a 10 year old.
A comment such as the one directed at you must have been painful even if it was unintentional. I hope you and your partner are able to have children and wish you a peaceful and happy Christmas.
My Christmas celebrations before children were different from now but certainly not lacking in fun (and alcohol).

Childfree by choice here (though also POF so no chance of a change of mind) and I much prefer my adult Christmases. My mother was emotionally unstable and abusive so I don't have entirely happy memories of my childhood Christmases. Some were lovely, some weren't and there was no way of knowing which it would be.

Your colleague sounds like an insensitive bore. Ignore what she says and enjoy being able to drink and eat what you want when you want, a lie-in and actual adult conversation.

BALLS. I have a daughter who I absolutely adore and yes, Christmases are lovely with her, but I can assure you that I look back very fondly indeed on the Christmases that involved lounging around in pyjamas munching chocolates and chipping in with a bit of vegetable prep.

I don’t understand how you can say you prefer your adult christmasses when you haven’t experienced both.

I’ve had good and crap christmasses before dc, but I much prefer the ones that came after.

Christmas is different with children and is a different kind of fun as you experience things with them that you perhaps wouldn't, unless you have access to children (nieces, godchildren etc). But I loved xmas before children, especially when I think back to being around 20. Lots of spare cash, Christmas parties, markets, hangovers in peace, big nights out on boxing night and New Years, new outfits for each night. It was fab! Your Xmas sounds lovely and kids don't stop being kids because it's Xmas- they still need to be parented which isn't always fun!

I think it's selfish to spoil the fun for those with children because you're not in the same situation @sportteam

It was my conversation, all I said was I am excited for christmas. How am I being selfish?

Well thank you Magnificent I'm sure that's cheered the OP up.

The OP has to get used to living in a world with people that have kids.

They're not going to moderate mentioning their kids - and nor should they have to.

Although it does sound like the whole office needs to stop gossiping and get on with some work...

I don’t understand how you can say you prefer your adult christmasses when you haven’t experienced both.

I'm not sure if this question is aimed at me or someone else but when I said I prefer my adult Christmases what I meant was I prefer the Christmases I have now as an adult to the Christmases I had as a child. Obviously I can't comment on what it's like to have Christmas as a parent.

@MagnificentSevenHeaven I quite happily talk about children. I ask my colleagues every day about their children, I enjoy looking at their little christmas lists. I have bought this colleagues children gifts every christmas.

I'm not a snowflake (I fucking hate that term), the way she said it was scathing.

She was telling me pretty much that I can't be as excited as people with children are. The frown on her face was as if she didn't believe I was excited.

It was insensitive of her even if she doesn't know you are longing for children.

She was telling me pretty much that I can't be as excited as people with children are.

I wouldn't let it get to you - you'll have the chance to find out for yourself & compare in the near future. Focus on that that thought rather than her being a dick!