Childless - Colleagues comment

[Last2Know]

I don't know why I am feeling angry/upset about this comment, IAprobablyBU.

I don't have children, I am in a lesbian relationship and we are saving for fertility treatment but it is a LONG way off.

We are finding not having children difficult but it doesn't control our lives.

Colleague (also a lesbian, has 3yo twins via IVF, we were friends before we worked together) just came into our office and everyone was talking about christmas. I said I was so excited! Myself and DP are very strict with money throughout the year but always spend a little extra at Christmas.

Colleague/friend said to me with a frown "Ahh christmas isn't the same without kids, honestly. Having kids is what makes christmas. Like, I used to get excited before kids but now its fab".

I didn't say anything, she doesn't know we are saving for IVF but I still found this comment quite mean.

She had just mentioned that she missed out on tickets for a show I have some for so I waited a few minutes then threw that in lol.

Maybe she is right though, maybe christmas is all about the children.

Hmmph.

So, to mumsnetters who do not have children, what are you most looking forward to over Christmas? And to those with Children, is there anything you miss in general since havign children? *clasps at straws

Admittedly I use my kids as a way of me getting into some semblance of Christmas spirit. I'm a total Grinch, personality wise. But I miss not having the worry about being able to afford presents on the bad years, or having to be jolly for them when I'm so unwell (I have chronic illnesses), and it was really hard in the beginning when they started understanding Christmas meant presents and food and Santa and parties, because I fell out of love with Christmas in my early teens. My family would go away for Christmas to somewhere remote, so I'd not have contact with friends (no mobiles and internet back then) and I didn't get on with my family much. My eldest is 11 now, youngest is 7. I've been forcing myself to do things like elf on a shelf (hou can do this too, it's a laugh and doesn't require kids!) and I've wrapped ballet tickets in an envelope inside a huge box stuffed full of packing, for someone - I'll laugh so much when they open it. There's so much fun to be had without kids. Kids just changes the dynamics of Christmas. They don't make or break it. And hood luck with your IVF. I have online friends who have done it. If you're on instagram, check out @meetthewildes @nowthatsjustgay and dammit I can't remember the other couples username. The other couple are TTC. It's educated me a lot on what we have to go through if we are in same sex relationships. I'm pan, but I'm with a man, and I have two kids with a previous person. The strength of people who have to use IVF etc is amazing.

I had an abusive childhood. I have horrible memories of Christmas.

So when I left home, I made Christmas special and exactly how I wanted it. Which did include all the decorations. We were skint so the food was special and time off work.

I wanted children, had three and enjoyed everything child related. My children seemed to have viral infections every Christmas and some were good, some were practically none events.

I was Widowed, my Mum helped out with babysitting, youngest nine. I started enjoying Work nights out and the Pub atmosphere at Christmas, dressing up etc.

My youngest is now 21 and I've got Grandchildren.

I do a version of the Christmas Carol, somewhere in the Country, often alone. I do at least two different Christmas Markets/ice kingdom/bar.

I liked the excuse of my GC to visit real reindeer, but I'd go alone if I had to.

This year, my Adult, Child free DD is working Christmas Day. One is doing the In-laws, so me and my youngest will stay up Christmas Eve, until CD, watching films and having nice food/drink. On Christmas Day we are having, more-expensive-than-usual food.

I'd would have liked to fit more stuff in, but Family Stuff has overtaken, so I haven't managed it.

Christmas isn't all about children, unless you've got them, then it has to be mostly about them.

She is just being a twat, something must be going badly for her to need to feel superior about something. It's a shame someone doesn't have a word with her. If I was a colleague or Manager, I'd pick up on it.

We don’t have kids and I LOVE Christmas.
We still have a family even if we don’t have children and I love spending time with them.

Oh OP I feel for you! Last year I had a row with my DM who was going to someone else's house for Christmas "because they have children and it's not really Christmas without children is it?" This said after I'd hosted for the previous 6 years and DP and I can't have children. When I told her it wasn't my fault I couldn't have F-Ing children (I was upset) she told me not to swear. She's never mentioned it since.... so yes you'll probably hear it again. But I agree with pp - Christmas is for everyone. Hope you have a lovely one.

"because they have children and it's not really Christmas without children is it?""

Unless they are bloody good at Christmas Cocktail making and washing up, then they are surplus to my requirements.

She is a thoughtless twat. I hope you both have a great Christmas.

YANBU to be upset. She was insensitive. I've always loved Christmas, pre and post kids. I don't think having the kids has made it any more special or meaningful, it's different.
What I miss is being able to have more nights with friends. Not necessarily boozy ones but just being more sociable. And I also miss the time alone with my husband to chat, watch films etc, go out for lunch or dinner and spend time together.

Have a lovely Christmas with your partner, family and friends OP. 😊😊

She sounds mean! Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I have kids, things I miss at Christmas are:

Having a lie in (though that's more of a 365 days a year thing).
Being able to watch what I want on the telly.
Being able to go on a pre-dinner walk instead of building loads of toys.
Not having 3000 boxes to cram into the recycling bin afterwards.
Having money to spend on myself as a treat.

Hope that helps

Ooo yes and going to the pub with friends in the evenings and doing things like a Christmas quiz. And forget going out for new years.

Christmas is not about "the kids" it's about spending time in the company of the people you love and getting shitfaced on Xmas eve.

At this moment in your life that is your family and your partner. At some point in time that might grow to encompass children of your own. Having children doesn't make Christmas "better". It makes it different. That's all.

Christmas is for everyone and she's talking bollocks and being a bit boastful. It is different at various stages of your life but it's what you make it for you - whether that's someone who chooses to be on their own but have a few treats to massive full-on family parties and everything in between. Ignore and enjoy Christmas your way!

Birds thank you, that did make me laugh. I'll keep that to use again!

How insensitive! Maybe she didn't think about what she was saying but she should have been more tactful!

No children currently, I feel like there's a lot less pressure with Christmas for us right now. Last year was really relaxed, we went for a walk and to the pub. Can't imagine it being that chilled with children!

I miss having an actual break during the Christmas holidays. Christmas used to be about watching loads of Xmas telly and chilling out. Now it’s about early starts, kids tv and constant demands to play. I go back to work more tired than when I left.
That being said I do love seeing Christmas through my child’s eyes it’s made this jaded old cynic get excited about Christmas again.

We still really enjoy Christmas, but an Adult Only Christmas is totally different from one with kids and sometimes I miss that magic.

^I agree.

Why are people coming in this thread to say how much they miss the magic of Christmas that small children bring?

Go and post on one of the many threads about the wonder of small children at Christmas, you’re not making childless people feel any better.

Ffs

Cruel comment even if it’s her opinion. She sounds horrid anyway though so stay out of her way

Not having 3000 boxes to cram into the recycling bin afterwards.
Yes also to this. Plus toy packaging is the most ridiculously secure stuff invented. Why do I need a screw driver to release a doll from its cardboard prison

She sounds like a bit of a twit tbh. It is not true. Christmas with 3-yo twins might well be the longest day of her life as they get so would up at that age, there will be tantrums and good luck getting them to bed that night.

You can but hope!

Good luck for your future treatment and count this Christmas as one fo the calm ones

I think it's selfish to spoil the fun for those with children because you're not in the same situation.

People can't spend the emotional Labour trying to be kind to everyone 100% of the time and wondering constantly if everything they say will upset others - it's exhausting. People are allowed to be kind to themselves too and to relax. You are allowed to express an opinion out loud. If you don't like being around opinionated people do your best to avoid them.

What makes some happy doesn't makes others happy, quite a limited outlook to push your special onto others. Small children grow up and magical Christmas times move on to other pleasant times. A five year old can't play drinking parlour games your adult children can.

She sounds like the sort of person that when you have your own child, she will tell you that having twins is so much better or how should couldn’t bear the thought of only have one child. In a nutshell she’s a dick. Don’t let spoil your Christmas and remember those that shout loudest what a wonderful life they haven’t often don’t!

I actually don't enjoy Christmas very much any more.

I'm a Christian, so for me Christmas is a lot about taking time to think about what it's really about, how Mary might have felt. I enjoy going to carol services, especially midnight mass.

Until I got married I spent Christmas with my mum, dad and brother. We would sleep over at my parents', then get up and do all the presents, then go to church. Then have a few drinks while mum cooked the dinner (I know, I know, we could have helped, but there it is) then once we'd eaten we'd play silly board games, drink more gin than was possibly necessary and eat all the chocolate.

Now, Christmas is just stressful. The carol services are no fun because my ASD son can't cope so if we go at all, I spend the whole time watching him, trying to keep him reasonably quiet and stopping him running around. I came home from Christingle earlier this month and stated I was never going back after that, it was horrendous. Not DS1's fault, he can't help it but I can't deal with it.

I can't go to Midnight Mass easily, as someone always has to be at home, and my husband plays the piano and organ so is nearly always "on duty" so he has to go and I can't. He could say no but then we are letting people down.

Christmas Day itself is a write off before it starts. My DH and I had very different Christmas experiences and expectations, and I really can't handle the way he wants to do things now we have kids. He signs all presents from Father Christmas - we never had a single one from FC, it was always from whoever they were actually from (although we did do the FC stuff - mince pies etc). I find that really hard. I also find it hard that DS1 (ASD) can't cope with the pressure of opening his presents and that both DS1 and DS2 tend to open presents and then chuck whatever is inside to one side without even looking at it because they aren't interested, whereas I want them to look and exclaim in joy... unreasonable I know, but it takes away any joy or excitement.

Both DSs refuse to eat a proper dinner, so I spend a couple of hours cooking a roast only for most of theirs to go in the bin.

Then the inlaws come round and I have to take myself off upstairs for about 2 hours as MIL has to be queen bee, so despite the fact that it is my house, and my children, I utterly cease to exist for everyone until they're gone.

Actually, I hadn't realised how much I am not looking forward to the whole thing. I wish I could go back to being about 12 when Christmas was still exciting and magical, both for presents and the birth of Christ.

Now it just feels like a bit of a slog. But on the plus side my football team are playing at home on Boxing Day so that will be a day out with my dad and brother, so that is something to look forward to.

Sorry OP, I'm sure Christmas is amazing with kids, and when my two are older, maybe it will be amazing for me. But DS1 is 6 and ASD so hard work (and also ODD so argues that black is white and has no concept of gratitude) and DS2 is 2 and has no idea what is going on and just copies his brother.

Actually, I just want to cry now. I want to go home to my mum.

Oh jay that sounds tough!

I know it’s not the same at all but are there any church services you could watch on the internet whilst your mother in law is there?

She sounds like a bitch

I'm also in the camp that she is right but thoughtless. DC are teens now so Christmas isn't as much fun as it was when they were little ☹️