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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling with jealousy over gifts

108 replies

WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:17

I love my DP and SCs very much, no drama, no major issues, we all get along very well.

However one thing that is massively irking me is the gifts SD13 receives. I have 2 DC of my own (not DPs, from a previous relationship) and I like to buy them nice things for their birthdays and Christmas. Admittedly they are a bit younger than my eldest SD and their tastes are not so extravagant yet.
So I’m mid-30s, work 50 hours a week on average and earn a good wage so I’m not poor by any standards.

Eldest SD has had at least £700 spent on her for Christmas by DP (and a good few hundred from her mum too). Her Christmas list is extremely extravagant for a 13yo imho. It includes

  • Vivienne Westwood necklace
  • Vivienne Westwood bracelet
  • Vivienne Westwood earrings
  • Victoria’s Secret pjs
  • Victoria’s Secret dressing gown
  • Armani perfume
  • Christian louboutin lipstick

Plus many other lovely but expensive things. I do not begrudge people spoiling their kids but AIBU to feel like these luxury items are things most adult full-time working women would aspire and save up to have?
Her birthday is not long after Christmas and she has requested £400 trainers. DP and her mum are buying them between them so it’s not the cost of it per se, but I feel like if she is just given these things so easily and freely that she’ll end up spoilt with no value for how much things cost?

To put it into perspective my DP earns an average wage and her mum is unemployed so I’m unsure how either of them are affording these things either?

Like I said I earn a good wage and work hard but I’m wearing bog standard high street clothes and I have to admit it is annoying me seeing a 13yo strolling into my home wearing things I wish I could own but can’t afford to.

AIBU to be slightly (secretly) annoyed at this?

OP posts:
squaksquak · 19/12/2018 23:20

You’re going to get messages on here calling you jealous and telling you to buy out but I think YANBU.

I would not be buying a 13 year such extravagant items.

squaksquak · 19/12/2018 23:21

*but out

Fatasfook · 19/12/2018 23:21

Yes she sounds spoiled. And isn’t Victoria’s Secret a bit inappropriate for a child?

Hisnamesblaine · 19/12/2018 23:21

Jesus! She's 13?

milienhaus · 19/12/2018 23:23

I can understand why it would grate definitely. Feel free to ignore my nosiness but what do you get for Christmas from your DP? Same kind of things or v different?

Holidayshopping · 19/12/2018 23:23

Those are crazy gifts for a 13 year old! Mine thought Boots or Ted Baker was posh!

Original poster
WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:23

@Fatasfook yep that was what I thought too! Honestly this isn’t going to turn into a thread bashing her mum (who I actually quite like!) but she seems to be ok with this an encourages this materialistic view of life.

For my 14th birthday I got taken to the cinema and out for pizza!

OP posts:
nancy75 · 19/12/2018 23:25

I have a 13 year old, mine wouldn’t want those particular gifts but I probably spend a similar amount on her.
Victoria secrets is massively popular with girls age 13+
Op you don’t say if you live with your partner? If you do & it’s impacting on household finance then you should say something but if it’s just that you don’t agree with what they give then I don’t really think it’s up to you to decide.

HollowTalk · 19/12/2018 23:25

A 13 year old wants a £70 lipstick? Are her parents crazy?

ChocolateStash · 19/12/2018 23:25
Shock
HollowTalk · 19/12/2018 23:25

How does she even know about Vivienne Westwood?

Original poster
WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:26

@milienhaus I have some of the same things on that list, but that was only because I said “WTF? She’s getting £95 earrings?” So I believe he’s bought me some in a similar style.

Last year I got a bobble hat from river island and some perfume, both of which I loved btw

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 19/12/2018 23:26

That's crazy. She should be allowed to pick one of those things, maybe two max?

And buy yourself something nice fgs.

Original poster
WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:27

@HollowTalk I have a few handbags and pieces of VW jewellery, as does her mum. But I’m a working woman in my mid 30s!

It’s insane

OP posts:
AWishForWingsThatWork · 19/12/2018 23:28

She sounds like a nightmare in the making for her future partner... at 13 that is just ridiculously extravagant. What else is there for her to look forward to in life if she gets handed everything she wants, no matter how expensive, when she's still a kid? The sense of entitlement will be insane!

Original poster
WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:30

@AutumnCrow I would but I’m adult paying bills who can’t afford these things 😂
Mum and dad are buying them, not from my fund!

She’s sent DP a series of texts tonight of pictures of various designer make up items like Mac, Dior and Chanel.

Honestly I earn £55k and these things are a once a year treat. In duty free. In the sale. If I’m fucking lucky

OP posts:
Starbitcrazy · 19/12/2018 23:32

That's incredible. She doesn't need these things. You're right to be annoyed, and yes I'd be wondering where the money is coming from. I expect credit cards. If she was mine, she could have the pj's, dressing gown (as long as they aren't sexy!) and perfume from that list. I've got tons of shoes, but never anything like £400 spent on a single pair and I'm almost 35! Ridiculous waste of money.

Original poster
WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:32

@AWishForWingsThatWork YES! That’s it! It’s not affecting me financially in anyway but I feel the same as you!

Plus I have a younger SD (her sister) and my own DD who are both very impressionable and I feel like it’s making a rod for both our backs! How can we justify having spent such ridiculous amounts on one girl and not the others in a few years?

OP posts:
flossietoot · 19/12/2018 23:32

What is the back ground of your partner and the mum? do they come from money themselves?? I have found in life that often those that don’t tend to really mad at Christmas and over indulge their children.

holidayingsoon · 19/12/2018 23:36

My 12 year old won't even know who Vivienne Westwood is

Original poster
WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:37

Not from money but not poor. Mum is unemployed but lives in a nice home in a nice area, I suspect her household income is propped up by her bf who lives with her but according to HMRC doesn’t live there IYSWIM.
DP comes from a modest but not poor background, worked full time since was 16 (now mid 40s).
I’m the one who actually comes from a more affluent family but have always supported myself.

I swear to God the first time comes home in those trainers and all her designer gear a little part of me will die inside lol

OP posts:
nancy75 · 19/12/2018 23:38

Must admit I’m a bit surprised at the Vivienne Westwood stuff, it’s not on the radar of any 13 year old I know

Heartofglass12345 · 19/12/2018 23:38

No way would I buy that for my 13 year old! Maybe one thing off that list depending on how expensive they are. Her parents must be mad or overcompensating for splitting up. My friend was on the dole for at least 4 years when we finished school, her parents split up when we were 16/ 17 and used to give her money all the time and take her shopping so she didn't need a job Hmm I have a feeling this young lady will end up the same, she will never appreciate the value of money and having to work to earn nice things. All you can do is teach your children to be the opposite!

BunsOfAnarchy · 19/12/2018 23:38

Im sorry. Thats the most ridiculous list of gifts for a 13 year old ive seen.
One item of VW at the absolute most....but the rest make it sound like shes a spoilt brat. Sorry!

Posthistoricmonsters · 19/12/2018 23:43

If you live together, I think you both should have a say in the gifts for all the children concerned.

But it's different for different people.

Just a ponder, but if you like VW things, could she be looking up to you and seeing you like them and wanting to be like you too? Or maybe because you might have talked about VW she has looked into it and developed a genuine (though expensive) fondness for them?

I know I'm not getting much. Mums just don't. But I'd also be a bit awkward about receiving such expensive jewellery items, because I've never had any reason to feel I deserve something like that when I can often find cheaper things I love as much or more. But I would still love to own something 'big' just so I could feel it, knowing its value. Yes, I'm odd.

I don't think going on about her presents will help things because your DP is obviously happy to indulge her and you don't want to rock the boat if you are otherwise happy together. But god yes, it must hurt a little and be frustrating on a financial level, that she's treated with these things.

We've gone minimalistic this year because we've just moved into our first owned home together, it's small. Main present for DC7 is cheap ballet tickets and for DC11 it's gig tickets for an alternative band we like. Affordable and an experience to be remembered, instead of clutter we have no room for.
£700 is three times the cost of my last family holiday by the sea in Wales in a large static caravan.