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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling with jealousy over gifts

108 replies

WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:17

I love my DP and SCs very much, no drama, no major issues, we all get along very well.

However one thing that is massively irking me is the gifts SD13 receives. I have 2 DC of my own (not DPs, from a previous relationship) and I like to buy them nice things for their birthdays and Christmas. Admittedly they are a bit younger than my eldest SD and their tastes are not so extravagant yet.
So I’m mid-30s, work 50 hours a week on average and earn a good wage so I’m not poor by any standards.

Eldest SD has had at least £700 spent on her for Christmas by DP (and a good few hundred from her mum too). Her Christmas list is extremely extravagant for a 13yo imho. It includes

  • Vivienne Westwood necklace
  • Vivienne Westwood bracelet
  • Vivienne Westwood earrings
  • Victoria’s Secret pjs
  • Victoria’s Secret dressing gown
  • Armani perfume
  • Christian louboutin lipstick

Plus many other lovely but expensive things. I do not begrudge people spoiling their kids but AIBU to feel like these luxury items are things most adult full-time working women would aspire and save up to have?
Her birthday is not long after Christmas and she has requested £400 trainers. DP and her mum are buying them between them so it’s not the cost of it per se, but I feel like if she is just given these things so easily and freely that she’ll end up spoilt with no value for how much things cost?

To put it into perspective my DP earns an average wage and her mum is unemployed so I’m unsure how either of them are affording these things either?

Like I said I earn a good wage and work hard but I’m wearing bog standard high street clothes and I have to admit it is annoying me seeing a 13yo strolling into my home wearing things I wish I could own but can’t afford to.

AIBU to be slightly (secretly) annoyed at this?

OP posts:
flossietoot · 19/12/2018 23:44

So both from working class back grounds and she is on benefits?? Not meaning to generalise and the list certainly isn’t what I would do, but not a huge shock to me either. It’s like the people you see on Facebook posting pictures of huge piles of toys when you know they aren’t rich at all. I just think they want to ‘prove’ what a good parent they are and child wants for nothing. Almost like a slight inferiority complex.

DowntonCrabby · 19/12/2018 23:45

Goodness!

Do you and your DP have a very different values and outlook on life? What causes him to spend such a lot, and on such extravagant things? Part time Dad guilt? Pressure from the Mum? The DD Just being an entitled madam? Are you in a hugely affluent area where these things are common for teens to own?

I’ve bought my 14 year old DD a YSL touche eclat to stop her bloody stealing mine and have been questioning whether I’m being too extravagant and should have bought Rimmel like we all had as teens!

Original poster
WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:47

@Posthistoricmonsters I have some nice things but I’m definitely not a flaunter. I value the things I have, the last time I bought VW was 6 years in the selfriges sale so it’s definitely not coming from me.

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Original poster
WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:49

@DowntonCrabby I would suggest it’s probably a combination of all things you’ve suggested except we don’t live in a very affluent area, not poor but not rich, just average

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TheWiseWomansFear · 19/12/2018 23:51

@Fatasfook I assume it's the PINK by Victoria secret which is aimed at teenagers and much more pretty rather than sexy (they only go up to a 34D too)

TheWiseWomansFear · 19/12/2018 23:53

I also had similar spent on me at that age, but my mother would've thought I was crazy asking her for £400 trainers or Louboutin lipstick!
A laptop, iPod, UD eyeshadow or Zara clothes sure... but she's going to get a shock to the system when she reaches adulthood

TheWiseWomansFear · 19/12/2018 23:54

@HollowTalk everyone knows Vivienne Westwood Hmmher earrings were popular 10 years ago when I was a teen

Original poster
WhoPooped · 19/12/2018 23:54

@TheWiseWomansFear yes that’s it.
But some of the scents and items in that range are wayyyyy to provocative for young teenagers, 16-19yr olds yes, not 13yo.
The perfumes are called things like “seductive sunset” Confused

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Jamiefraserskilt · 19/12/2018 23:54

Neither parent is managing her expectations or helping her to learn how to live within her means. They are doing her no favours at all.
We all want to give our kids everything but should we? Or should they have aspirations, wants and desires to strive towards?
Does not surprise me you feel as you do.

Original poster
WhoPooped · 20/12/2018 00:00

@TheWiseWomansFear like I said it’s not necessarily the cost but the grown up nature of things she wants, they are things adult women would save up to buy.

I probably had the equivalent spent on me too but there were two massive differences

  1. My parents were actually very well off and proportionately to their income it wasn’t an unreasonable amount to spend
  2. I never actually asked for the majority of it (let alone demand it) It was given. If I had acted spoilt about it I wouldn’t have got it. Gifts were mostly unexpected things my parents thought I’d like
OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 20/12/2018 00:03

I don't 'know' Vivien Westwood, I'm aware of the name but wouldn't have the first clue what she sells or where she sells it.

I thought I was hard done by being asked for something from Anthropologie for my niece (who is 30). More an M&S woman myself......and I earn more than the OP with no kids of my own.

KeepServingTheFestiveSnogs · 20/12/2018 00:05

This thread is so weird to me. I have NO troll-dar, but been on at least 3 threads this evening which made sense to me where posters were calling troll.

But this one?

It's bonkers!

I have a 17 yr old, who loves clothes. She would have NO IDEA who VW is. How is a 13 yr old aware of her enough to request so many specific items?

Victoria's Secret I do get, I can see how that appeals to teens. But the rest seems so out of step with every teenager I know.

Do you live in London, OP?

Original poster
WhoPooped · 20/12/2018 00:05

Nope. In the north!

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llangennith · 20/12/2018 00:07

I'm incredulous at the things on her list! We were pretty well off when my DC were growing up and they got anything they wanted but they never asked for anything like designer clothes or trainers. I'm not sure we'd have bought them if they had.
SD seems to equate showing love with how much money she can get her parents to spend on her. That's a ridiculous amount of money to fork out.

Titsywoo · 20/12/2018 00:08

Yikes we spent less than 200 on our 14 year old dd. We could afford to spend more but we don't like to overdo it. Just a few nice things is enough. Dd hates labels and stuff luckily!

Original poster
WhoPooped · 20/12/2018 00:08

Its a relief to know I’m not a big horrible jealous mega bitch 😩
There’s not much I can do about it so I’ll have to suck it up but it is RIDICULOUS

OP posts:
nancy75 · 20/12/2018 00:09

I’m intrigued by the £400 trainers - what are they?

Original poster
WhoPooped · 20/12/2018 00:10

Apparently they’re Alexander McQueen.
Again I have no idea how the fuck a 13yo even knows what they are

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OP posts:
Original poster
WhoPooped · 20/12/2018 00:12

I stand corrected. They’re actually £360 —not that it makes any difference—

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Original poster
WhoPooped · 20/12/2018 00:12

Strike out fail 😂

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nancy75 · 20/12/2018 00:14

I wouldn’t buy them on principle of ugliness rather than anything else!!

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 20/12/2018 00:16

I agree with a Pp, I feel sorry for a future partner trying to keep up with her expectations in a few years! Poor spotty 17yo Ryan with a Saturday job at MaccyDs and trying to fund his driving lessons as well as keeping DSD in designer stuff. I'd find it hard as her step mum, too. Not so much jealousy as it just makes you feel a bit crap about yourself and your achievements.

I was fortunate to come from a loving and quite well off family so I never wanted for much and I think 12-13 were the first years I can remember getting more grown up Christmas presents, so it's not unreasonable to get her versions of some of those items, but I wouldn't buy all of it and certainly not all high end £££ labels. Maybe VW earrings? If she's careful with her belongings. At 12 (I was in yr 8 so almost 13) I remember getting top shop pyjamas and a top, a top from Morgan and
I definitely got a bottle of Givenchy Organza perfume, but I'd wanted that since I was 10 and hadn't dreamt of asking, so that was a surprise. I wasn't fussed about other cosmetics, just loved perfume. These stick out in my mind as presents that made me feel special and grown up, but I loved all my gifts. I hadn't wanted or asked for an entire list of designer swag.

It all seems a bit too much too young.

Posthistoricmonsters · 20/12/2018 00:17

You are definitely not being a mega bitch. It IS weird. I just hope your DSD understands that she may not always be given such big things by people. I've had people snub gifts I've bought or made for them, because they've been used to really nice, expensive or high status things. For me, gifts are about more than that. Does your DSD play with anything others her age do, or is she just onto make up and jewellery?

Original poster
WhoPooped · 20/12/2018 00:18

Poor spotty 17yo Ryan with a Saturday job at MaccyDs and trying to fund his driving lessons as well as keeping DSD in designer stuff
My worry is that she’ll be looking more at 25yo Kyle with a suped up Seat Ibiza and 5kg of green in his boot, as he’ll be the only kind that’ll be able to afford to keep her!

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