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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring this up with school - DS accused of 'rape'.

148 replies

MadMumx1 · 18/12/2018 11:34

DS, in Yr4, was a little upset last night and told me that a girl in his class has been horrible to him all day. One of the things he mentioned was she said that he'd 'raped' one of the girls in his class.

Cue me having to explain what it meant as he didn't know, which I really didn't want to have to do at age 8!

Obviously the girl didn't understand what it meant either but isn't this language at bit worrying at this age?

Considering bringing it up with school but not sure it's worth it?

OP posts:
ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 18/12/2018 16:19

The attitude that the girl needs a talking to for making a wrong allegation, without even bothering to establish the facts, sends a fucking awful message.

The attitude that an 8 year old boy should be deemed a rapist, without even bothering to establish the facts, sends a fucking awful message.

Both send a fucking awful message.

This whole thread has become an argument, when actually, contacting the school to ensure that the facts are established before jumping to conclusions either way was the sensible thing to do. Which OP has done.

starcrossedseahorse · 18/12/2018 16:22

Yes the whole point though is to keep an open mind until the facts are known.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 18/12/2018 16:25

The word rape is used a lot in news and media lately so there is a good chance the girl has picked it up through that. Tone of the word also sugeests how offensive and serious it is but she probably doesn't k ow what it means. She was probably looking for a way to make him feel crap after a Petty altercation.

What needs to happen is education for these children so that they do understand what what it is they're saying.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 18/12/2018 16:31

Contacting the school was the right thing to do.

You also need to contact the school if others are calling your 8 year old gay. That is homophobic bullying, and taken very seriously by schools. It is so serious,, that they are required to report such incidents to their local authority! Please do not expect your son to just put up with such bullying. He's 8!

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 18/12/2018 16:47

You definitely should mention this at the school. It is so worrying that this girl knew the term and that needs looking into.

Fairylightfurore · 18/12/2018 16:52

Glad you behave told his teacher, I think I would have gone straight to the head. Sounds like the whole year need a lesson on consent and what these words mean.

funinthesun18 · 18/12/2018 16:55

I would be fucking livid if my 8 year old son was accused of “rape”.

I say that as a mum of boys and a girl.

starcrossedseahorse · 18/12/2018 17:01

It was a little girl who said this, a child - I think that being 'fucking livid' with her is a bit OTT tbh.

funinthesun18 · 18/12/2018 17:07

It’s not like I would go and start effing and blinding at the child, or say anything to them in fact. It’s the school’s shit to sort out.
But yes, inside I’d be very angry. Same way as I would be towards a bully.

BrownCowStunning · 18/12/2018 17:13

Bring it up to the teacher / headmaster, but also write a letter to the school about it and ask in the letter for a respinse on the action they're going to take.

U2HasTheEdge · 18/12/2018 17:57

My 9 year old knows the word rape. She has heard the word on the news before. It has been explained to her in an age appropriate way. I am not at all surprised that children as young as 8 have have heard the word, or read it and know it is something wrong.

I don't think it is 'so worrying' that she knew the word necessarily. It could be but I am surprised that so many people think it is really unusual for a child to have heard the word.

poppoppop100 · 18/12/2018 18:10

I would have thought that a lot if not most 8/9 ear olds know the word rape ,it is a word in common parlance.Some but not all will know hat it means but probably most will not appreciate the seriousness of accusing someone of it.

abacucat · 18/12/2018 18:25

Yes most will know the word rape and a lot will know what it means.
Sexually inappropriate is knowing details about sexual acts. Kids might know about the facts of life, but they shouldn't know about details of sexual acts.

boringlyboring · 18/12/2018 18:42

I knew the word rape at that age because my mum left her Take a Break mags lying around.

Isn’t it possible she’s asked and been given a ‘safe’ explanation - ie rape is when a boy/man hurts a girl/woman, and she’s made the connection when he bumped into her?

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2018 18:50

I would imagine a lot of 8 year olds know the word. It’s in newspaper headlines, on the TV-everywhere. The important thing is not to blame anyone and find out what actually happened. Both children should be listened to and taken seriously.

And while you’re about it- make sure they school knows about the gay taunts too. They should be dealing with that.

Write · 18/12/2018 18:59

My DD was touched inappropriately by another child. Thank god the teacher saw and notified both sets of parents and took it very seriously. It does happen, quite baffled by some of the responses.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 18/12/2018 19:07

Omg yes bring this up. She needs to realise the implications of this.

Thesmallthings · 18/12/2018 19:08

I had some similes happen to ds when he was 9. But it was a 11 year old girl black mailing him.

"Climb this shed or I'll tell every one you raped me"
Then another boy pinned him down whilst they threw his shoe on said she'd.

It happened out of school, I spoke to the dad who didn't seem shocked. I spoke to the school who took it very seriousely, they passed on a concern to ss about this girl as it is a safeguarding issue for her. They completely believed my son and even offered him counclimg, I chose not to as he wasn't effected other then he knew she was being horriable but didnt get the impact it could have on some one, I didn't want it to be big upped in his head and then have him feel worse.

But if he had been older it could have been very different.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 18/12/2018 19:20

so many posters seem to be missing that she acciused him of raping another girl not raping her.

Op doesnt have to keep an open mind that her ore pubescent son might have raped this girl because another girl said it. She can assume her son is innocent until proven guilty. the school on the other habd have a duty to speak to the girl and take her seriously and speak to the other girl she claims was a victim (if it turns out she knows what it means and stands by her allegation- both of which I highly doubt)

I have daughters and sons but wouldn't expect any mother to "keep an open mind" in the circumstances described, that is too much to ask.

NewName54321 · 18/12/2018 19:25

OP has done the right thing mentioning it to school. If this was my 8 year old DD, I'd want to know.

The most likely explanation is the obvious one that she's heard the word and guessed its meaning or been told what the adults perceive as a gentle version of its meaning..

However, it's also possible that this is one piece in a picture that shows she is very vulnerable e.g. she's seen or heard something inappropriate or been on the receiving end of inappropriate social media contact.
This is why anything that may be a safeguarding concern should be reported.

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2018 19:39

I think it’s necessary to keep in mind that there might have been some sort of physical contact that the girl did not like. It happens. And everyone deserves to be listened to.

starcrossedseahorse · 18/12/2018 20:04

Wise words.

holidayhope · 18/12/2018 20:27

Poor kids! Both of them.

Definitely speak with school as some education is needed and some flags need waving

Original poster
MadMumx1 · 18/12/2018 20:49

Just to update that very surprisingly the Head called me a few hours after I called the school. Said all 3 children had been spoken to in appropriate child friendly way. Child who said it denied they had, child the allegation was made about was baffled and unaware.

It's been logged and I'm happy with the response.

It is part of a wider issue of other DC being horrible to my DS though which I am fucking furious about. He is a very kind, caring soul who is friends with everyone and would never be rude to anyone and other DC pick up on that. I'll never forget him asking me to come into the toilets at his Yr2 birthday party so he could quietly burst into tears as one of the invitees kept saying to him that it was a rubbish party but he didn't want me to tell the child off for being unkindAngry.

This has given me more resolve to move schools as soon as possible!

OP posts:
ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 18/12/2018 20:55

I’m glad they dealt with it OP. Will they deal with the ongoing bullying do you think? Or is a move inevitable?

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