Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring this up with school - DS accused of 'rape'.

148 replies

MadMumx1 · 18/12/2018 11:34

DS, in Yr4, was a little upset last night and told me that a girl in his class has been horrible to him all day. One of the things he mentioned was she said that he'd 'raped' one of the girls in his class.

Cue me having to explain what it meant as he didn't know, which I really didn't want to have to do at age 8!

Obviously the girl didn't understand what it meant either but isn't this language at bit worrying at this age?

Considering bringing it up with school but not sure it's worth it?

OP posts:
EtVoilaBrexit · 18/12/2018 11:56

Good to have had a chat with your ds but you still need to go and see the teacher.
Bith your ds sake and for the girl. She might have just heard the word or someth8ng else might be at play (eg watching films that aren’t suitable etc etc)

senua · 18/12/2018 11:56

Cue me having to explain what it meant as he didn't know, which I really didn't want to have to do at age 8!
Precisely. The girl shouldn't know what it means either. Why is she using such language, it rings alarm bells. The school need to be informed for the girl's sake as much as your DS's.
Let the school deal with it, they have training in such things.

Tiscold · 18/12/2018 11:57

We believe you doesn't mean falling at the feet of every person that says they're raped it means we listen to them and dont automatically assume they're lying and making it up. As remember innocent until proven guilty.

However i highly doubt an 8 year old, who didn't even know what the word was, decided to force a girl in his class down and rape her while in school grounds. Call me stupid but that doesn't sound believeable does it

Pachyderm1 · 18/12/2018 11:57

Definitely. Horrible for your DS, and possibly a concern that the girl isn’t being protected and has been exposed to things she shouldn’t.

sherrysfortea · 18/12/2018 11:58

My thinking was that maybe her parents are trying to establish with her the meaning of non-consensual contact, however using the word rape to explain it at that age is unnecessary. She needs to understand the ramifications of making such an accusation falsely.

abacucat · 18/12/2018 11:59

It might be your DS is not totally innocent, you do need to get to the bottom of it. The girl might think rape means sexually inappropriate, and 8 year olds are perfectly capable of doing this e.g. pinching bottoms.

Oblomov18 · 18/12/2018 12:00

This is very serious. I think I'd put it in writing to the teacher, after I'd spoken to her. Just an email : dear Mrs xxx, just to clarify....
Just do there is a paper trail.

strawberrisc · 18/12/2018 12:01

Paper trail, yes. But also a meeting or a phonecall and record everything that has been said.

Avegemitesandwich · 18/12/2018 12:01

I think the most plausible explanation here is that she has heard the word and knows its something negative but not what it means, so she has thrown it at your DS.

Not quite the same, but I remember calling a boy in my class a dickhead when I was in about year 4 - I had no idea what a 'dick' was.

Avegemitesandwich · 18/12/2018 12:02

But yes, you absolutely need to speak to a teacher urgently and log it all, just to cover all bases.

Soubriquet · 18/12/2018 12:02

Holy crap!!

Of course it needs bringing up with a teacher

An 8 year old girl should not be accusing a fellow classmate of this, especially if it isn’t true

She needs to know she can’t throw this type of accusation around

Bombardier25966 · 18/12/2018 12:05

@Tiscold, it does happen. There has recently been a case where a child was awarded damages against a school that had failed to protect her from repeated attacks by boys her own age. It's not an isolated incident either.

The school need to be aware and they need to investigate what has happened in order to protect all involved parties. No one here knows what has happened, it is not for us to make judgments.

AnotherPidgey · 18/12/2018 12:06

Report it to school.

It may well be a misunderstanding that needs dealing with. It is a word that crops up on the news a lot. There could be an innocent reason such as she's heard the word on the news, asked what it means and been told that it's a way that someone has been hurt and misapplied the word to being bumped by OP's DS.

There could be more serious reasons for her being aware of the word that need looking into so it is best for school to be able to investigate the situation.

allinmyhead12 · 18/12/2018 12:10

i would bring it up with the school just incase its taken the wrong way. I hope the girl has just picked up the word from somewhere and not been told by parents its means something it doesn't ie running into someone in a forceful way. I'm all for telling kids how it is but in with an age appropriate content, saves any confusion in the future when they are older or possible embarrassment.

EightWellies · 18/12/2018 12:14

I'm sorry OP, but no you don't know categorically that your son is entirely innocent.

It may be that your son has been falsely accused and this little girl needs help, or it may be that something inappropriate has gone on and your son needs to understand more about boundaries and consent. 8 year olds are perfectly capable of sexual assault, even if they don't necessarily see what they've done in that light.

Auntpetunia2015 · 18/12/2018 12:16

Definitely a safeguarding issue call school over lunch to catch the class teacher or speak to the safeguarding lead.

MadMumx1 · 18/12/2018 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

icannotremember · 18/12/2018 12:21

I would bring it up with school, yes.

My 9 year old has used words and phrases he absolutely did not know the meaning of because he'd heard older kids use them as heinous insults. It's very possible that the girl who said this to your son is doing similar. It's possible that she's recently been talked to about consent and sex and rape and so on by family, but has not really grasped what rape means other than "a very bad thing a male does to a female".

The least likely option, despite the crusade one pp seems to be on the suggest otherwise Confused, is that your son has inappropriately touched one of his peers. Children will use language they know is hurtful or that they know signifies something awful, without understanding exactly what that thing is, all the time.

thedancingbear · 18/12/2018 12:21

I'm a bit surprised by the responses on this thread tbh. It seems that 'we believe you' goes out of the window when the narrative doesn't match what we're used to.

It seems entirely possible that something untoward has happened (conceivably not rape, of course), and people need to get to the bottom of that.

The attitude that the girl needs a talking to for making a wrong allegation, without even bothering to establish the facts, sends a fucking awful message.

MsJudgemental · 18/12/2018 12:22

Arrange a meeting with the class teacher or headteacher asap for everyone's sake; to protect both your ds and the girl. I have do doubt that she didn't know what she was saying, but peer sexual abuse does go on in primary schools so the school needs to be aware of any misunderstandings and her parents need to be informed what she said. Flowers

icannotremember · 18/12/2018 12:26

The attitude that the girl needs a talking to for making a wrong allegation, without even bothering to establish the facts, sends a fucking awful message.

The attitude that an 8 year old boy should be deemed a rapist, without even bothering to establish the facts, sends a fucking awful message.

BrokenWing · 18/12/2018 12:27

It is mostly likely the girl has heard the word on TV and the mum as explained it as being attacked/hurt without going into further detail.

Worth mentioning to the teacher so they know (and they will pick up if its a pattern with this child), but I wouldn't worry too much about it.

EightWellies · 18/12/2018 12:28

I wasn't trying to wind you up OP, but thanks for the name calling.

You posted for opinions and I was shocked by the automatic assumption by early posters that the girl must be lying, so I gave my point of view.

It's hard for any of us to ever even countenance that it could be possible that our child is in the wrong, especially in such a sensitive area, so I won't take it personally.

Hope you get things sorted.

Original poster
MadMumx1 · 18/12/2018 12:32

I suppose if I had said that DS plays with these girls, as all his friends are girls not boys, it would be seen as him deliberately manipulating them so he can get close to them and serruptiously assault them, to the 'we will believe anything you say against someone with a penis even (though they're too young to experience sexual feelings) because you have a vagina' brigade. Hmm

OP posts:
KittyPerry77 · 18/12/2018 12:33

Just to note for the ppl saying of course an 8 year old count't rape:
www.tes.com/news/exclusive-school-staff-failed-stop-six-year-old-playground-rapes
Implies that the rapist was under 10 so not so different from 8
“There is nothing societally in place to look after those victims. If a child who’s 6 is raped by an adult, all the systems kick in. If a child is raped by another child who is over 10, all the systems kick into place. There is no system to protect victims of under-10 assaults.”