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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be dreading spending time with the in laws at Christmas?!

138 replies

Forestpixie · 17/12/2018 11:28

To be honest, I manage to largely avoid seeing them apart from a few times a year (they live 3 hours away!) but this year I’ve promised DP we can go to his parents this year as we’ve done the last 2 years with my family.

We’re travelling down Sunday afternoon and back early Boxing Day morning so we can have Boxing Day with mine.

I’m dreading it, I really don’t enjoy their company at all. His parents are on the whole pretty nice but his dad is very grumpy, doesn’t have any friends or socialise, just sits in his chair and moans, won’t entertain any games, or have a drink etc.

His mum I think tries to overcompensate for this by being a bit shrill and hysterical, but weirdly still no fun? Just talks incessantly about the price of a loaf of bread, that the corner shop on the high street is closing and other, not particularly engaging or interesting topics.

His DB is good fun and lovely but he’s in Singapore this year as he’s met a girl out there.

His sister, well, is a complete horror, looks at me like crap, doesn’t even say hello or if she does it’s begrudgingly. Expects the WHOLE day and evening to revolve entirely around her and her DC and god forbid if you change the subject after an hour or so to something other than her, or her DC then she’s really not happy and makes it known. PIL enable this and so does DP really so, really my whole Christmas is sat talking about her and her DC. Her husband I sense could be quite fun and interesting but if he dares speak to me, he gets a very sharp glance and thinks better of it.

I can’t even numb it with alcohol as whenever we have spent Christmas with them, I’ve brought along a couple of bottles of Prosecco, MIL has given everyone a glass on arrival and then puts them away somewhere and after the first goes ‘right, I’ll put the kettle on, who’s for a cuppa?’ And I know that my ration of one glass of alcohol has started!

Don’t get me wrong, I know people have it a lot worse, but I just don’t feel comfortable around them. I don’t have a lot in common if to talk about, I’m not particularly maternal so whilst I can take an interest in the kids for a couple of hours, it soon wears thin. Especially when they’re all anyone is allowed to talk about/ focus on.

They just do it so different to my family, we have adult conversation, games, a few drinks, laughs etc and selfishly I’d much rather do that. That’s not an option though as MIL already gets a face on if im not present at their family events so it’s not worth the fall out of not going.

Is anyone else dreading Christmas with Inlaws?

OP posts:
caesio · 17/12/2018 11:31

Take hip flask and keep nipping to the loo to take a swig

Sexnotgender · 17/12/2018 11:34

When MIL pops the kettle on just pipe up and say I think I’ll have another glass of Prosecco actually, anyone else want a top up?

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2018 11:34

Yes to the hip flask
Also just remind yourself it's only a few days
Be gracious, kill with kindness

goingonabearhunt1 · 17/12/2018 11:35

You're only allowed one glass of prosecco at Christmas? Shock

EmeraldShamrock · 17/12/2018 11:38

Don't pass the alcohol over, keep it in your room to top up.
Sounds painful. Can you do maybe Xmas eve in a hotel close to them or even the Sunday night, id say it was a combined mini break.

2littleguineas · 17/12/2018 11:38

Hang on to the alcohol, leave it in the car and get your dh to nip out and get it a bottle at a time and keep topping you up.

chocolatebox1 · 17/12/2018 11:38

OP I feel your pain! The parents sound just like my soon to be ex in laws, I don't mean to gloat but I am so chuffed that for the first time in years, I don't have to go there this Christmas! I used to spend so much time "going to the bathroom" it was ridiculous. Can you schedule an "unexpected" call from a friend at a time when there's a lull and go off to take it? I actually pretended a friend had called and went off to sit at the top of the stairs and talked to myself. They were pretty bad tbh, the dad was - he was vile to the mum, racist, homophobic, said everyone of colour was a terrorist, you name it. I used to really struggle to keep my temper. Maybe you could browse sales/things to buy with Christmas money? Be careful though, I went over the top with online sales shopping one year I was there but carne home to two very nice coats which I still use! I also recommend playing solo bingo if there are annoying things they're likely to keep saying, it makes the time go faster. I also think the hip flask is a good idea!

Theweasleytwins · 17/12/2018 11:39

Get one of those handbags that can hold a bottle of wineXmas Grin

ILiveInSalemsLot · 17/12/2018 11:40

It sounds tedious. Is it your Dp’s childhood home?
Maybe he would like to take you out and about and show you the places he frequented.
Find out local events and suggest to dp you do some stuff to make sitting around at the house with tea and dull conversation more bearable.

YahBasic · 17/12/2018 11:42

Are you my DH? Grin

My parents aren’t that bad, but our Christmases normally revolve around eating and sleeping/watching TV, whereas PIL often play games/visit people etc.

DH just brings a book/I buy him one for Christmas, or he will go and Skype his family/call friends for a bit of alone time to break things up.

user1474894224 · 17/12/2018 11:44

How old are the kids? Can you buy a game you can all play? Mine are 6,8 and 10 and we sometimes play Logo - that can entertain adults and kids. Or get a set with chess and drafts and teach them that. Or get a bingo game if they are younger. Make it more fun....

VickyEadie · 17/12/2018 11:45

When I was married the first time (to a bloke, unlike now) we spent our first 4 Christmases with his family. His parents were lovely, but after the first year, I found it increasingly oppressive being there.

It was impossible to be in a different space than everyone else (through lounge, tiny kitchen, bedrooms kept arctic during the day) without going out and there was nowhere particular to go. I used to take decent booze which was put away and not seen again - on Xmas day sherry was offered (bleugh!) and at lunchtime a bottle of room temperature Liebfraumilch was brought out. They spent all day watching the stuff on TV I wouldn't watch if I had been locked away from TV for 5 years. I also one year took a large box of Leonidas chocolates - which were put away and a box of Roses offered round...

I can only share your pain, OP.

Teatimeted · 17/12/2018 11:46

My in laws are generally lovely but three days is a chore. Last time we went there for Christmas, FIL put on their holiday video for 'entertainment' after Christmas dinner. He also just sits in the chair and refuses to help. He ALSO monopolises the TV when the grandkids want to watch a film or cartoons, and insists on watching MUTV!

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 17/12/2018 11:49

As PP said I tho k you should definitely say 'I'll have another prosecco please" When she puts kettle on.Why should your Xmas drinks be controlled like that? Ridiculous

Seniorschoolmum · 17/12/2018 11:49

Can you take a project with you, a new game on a tablet, or a wii, or something creative.
Second the hip flask AND the wine in the car..
Find the local park run. A couple of years ago, in a similar situation I went & helped litter pick a beach on Boxing Day, with bacon sandwiches & lots of coffee included.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/12/2018 11:55

Take your own booze and drink it when you feel like it. Go for walks, have long baths/naps, slope off to read your book. Hopefully it will go quickly for you.

ravencaw · 17/12/2018 11:55

Take a game you can all play and pre organised drinks and snacks

ie - I brought scrabble, we are going to play as a family tonight and have hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows, I brought brandy for the grown ups Grin Don't hand stuff over - keep it in your room and bring it out and make it when you want it :)

Abby360 · 17/12/2018 11:56

I feel your pain. Me and DH go to my family every year because we all agree Xmas with his is no fun and so dull for the DC. FIL gets drunk and drives home which I hate, nobody else drinks at all, we all have to sit round the telly watching crap shows from the 70s, nobody chats to each other and the dinner is whatever was reduced in Asda the night before (they aren't poor, just tight), they have no presents or tree either. DD hates it and as she is the only child in the family, we want it to be about her so we don't go there any more. Plus they live 2 hours away so it's a long drive to do in one day and she has ASD so staying over isn't an option as she won't sleep in houses she doesn't know very well. DH drives down before Xmas and we arrange for them to come down after Xmas.
Instead we go to my mums, take it in turns to drive (me this year as PG) spoil DD, have a few drinks and laughs, eat too much, adult conversation then home for family movie night and playing with all new games.
OP, sending you a massive Wine to get through this. I agree with saying no to tea and drinking the booze that you brought! Good luck and make sure you manage to factor in some fun family time of your own.

MyPoodleisWorthTenofYou · 17/12/2018 11:58

I feel your pain, mine is like that. No MIL and FIL is actually really nice but SIL is a misery, doesn’t doesn’t to anyone and makes you watch all the soap Christmas specials. Half of us have to eat Christmas dinner on our laps (I HATE this, I know I sound like s snob but it’s just so uncivilised Blush) and there is no where to go apart from the loo. You could take a walk round the estate if you really wanted to, I suppose...

The biggest difference is there is a LOT of booze. Christmas dinner took until 6pm to come out one year and I was too pissed to eat it, having been mainlining gin out of sheer boredom.

I’m ashamed to say last year I had a terrible migraine and was absent for large parts of the day as I took to the bed....

It was still boring but at least it was boring on my terms.

This year we’re going away, just us. We are currently total pariahs but hopefully everyone will get over it.

fruitbrewhaha · 17/12/2018 12:03

Get some good books, the type you can't out down, and then fain an illness that requires you to lie in bed and just come down for meals. Tell your DH this is non negotiable and he has to back you up or you will leave in the middle of the night when everyone's asleep.

You could arrange to do something on the monday without them. Take the kids for a walk. Say you have a last minute shopping trip to make and go hide somewhere.

toomuchtooold · 17/12/2018 12:06

If they're anything like my family, the problem is that if you have that second glass of prosecco they spend the whole next year referring to how you're a big drinker to all and sundry only around you fuckers

floodypuddle · 17/12/2018 12:10

This sounds a bit like my family. My DP avoids seeing them which would be fine except we live so far away that it means I hardly see them and he uses all his holiday time to visit his family with his DC instead.

It's getting a bit upsetting to be honest as I realise they can be annoying but I love them and I miss my hometown. I would try and remind yourself that you are doing it for your DP to make him happy.

cuppycakey · 17/12/2018 12:13

Oh God this reminded me of XILS and how when I split with XH, I was literally euphoric about never having to socialise with them again.

Agree with PP re finding things to do that enable you to escape. Do they have a dog you can take for a walk? Are the DC the right age you could offer to take them to the park "to give poor SIL a break" You may find they are far more entertaining than the rest of them, especially on their own.

Take LOADS of booze. You can have a "bit of a headache/cold" one night and go to bed mumsnet and eat chocolateat 6pm surely?

You need to get creative and plan your escape routes.

DameFanny · 17/12/2018 12:13

Sounds like you're wasting politeness on people who don't believe in it

Don't take a bottle of prosecco, take a wine box. Set it up on the kitchen counter and help yourself as needed.

Read a book if there's no conversation to be had. Ask your BIL direct questions. Play games with the DC and go for lots of walks

And don't waste politeness on people who don't care about you.

DarlingNikita · 17/12/2018 12:18

I agree with breezily shaming her about the drinks. And with DameFanny about reading a book, asking your BIL direct questions, playing games with the DC (and anyone else who wants to) and taking yourself out for walks.

And if you don't want to go to things at their place, just don't. Who cares if MIL gets a face on?