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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be dreading spending time with the in laws at Christmas?!

138 replies

Forestpixie · 17/12/2018 11:28

To be honest, I manage to largely avoid seeing them apart from a few times a year (they live 3 hours away!) but this year I’ve promised DP we can go to his parents this year as we’ve done the last 2 years with my family.

We’re travelling down Sunday afternoon and back early Boxing Day morning so we can have Boxing Day with mine.

I’m dreading it, I really don’t enjoy their company at all. His parents are on the whole pretty nice but his dad is very grumpy, doesn’t have any friends or socialise, just sits in his chair and moans, won’t entertain any games, or have a drink etc.

His mum I think tries to overcompensate for this by being a bit shrill and hysterical, but weirdly still no fun? Just talks incessantly about the price of a loaf of bread, that the corner shop on the high street is closing and other, not particularly engaging or interesting topics.

His DB is good fun and lovely but he’s in Singapore this year as he’s met a girl out there.

His sister, well, is a complete horror, looks at me like crap, doesn’t even say hello or if she does it’s begrudgingly. Expects the WHOLE day and evening to revolve entirely around her and her DC and god forbid if you change the subject after an hour or so to something other than her, or her DC then she’s really not happy and makes it known. PIL enable this and so does DP really so, really my whole Christmas is sat talking about her and her DC. Her husband I sense could be quite fun and interesting but if he dares speak to me, he gets a very sharp glance and thinks better of it.

I can’t even numb it with alcohol as whenever we have spent Christmas with them, I’ve brought along a couple of bottles of Prosecco, MIL has given everyone a glass on arrival and then puts them away somewhere and after the first goes ‘right, I’ll put the kettle on, who’s for a cuppa?’ And I know that my ration of one glass of alcohol has started!

Don’t get me wrong, I know people have it a lot worse, but I just don’t feel comfortable around them. I don’t have a lot in common if to talk about, I’m not particularly maternal so whilst I can take an interest in the kids for a couple of hours, it soon wears thin. Especially when they’re all anyone is allowed to talk about/ focus on.

They just do it so different to my family, we have adult conversation, games, a few drinks, laughs etc and selfishly I’d much rather do that. That’s not an option though as MIL already gets a face on if im not present at their family events so it’s not worth the fall out of not going.

Is anyone else dreading Christmas with Inlaws?

OP posts:
Kemer2018 · 17/12/2018 14:20

Take your xbox or wii and games.
Pack of cards
Monopoly
Or do what i do with the in laws:

A: host them and remain attached to mobile and wine bottles.
B: this year, oh is paying us all into pub dinner on boxing day. All this to ensure his narc. Sister does not cross our threshold.

Next year im laying it down in January, we're having our own xmas on both days.

diburd · 17/12/2018 14:23

After years of suffering with my evil, overpowering, nasty MIL, I've finally found the solution...I go to the pub with all the men & get pissed.

Holidayshopping · 17/12/2018 14:26

SIL (and husband) won’t even look at me

Why-has something happened?

Squirrelblanket · 17/12/2018 14:26

I feel your pain, it sounds very similar to my in-laws. They are not bad people but we just have little in common and we have very different ideas about hosting and what a good time looks like.

Luckily, my husband is in full agreement so we never go there for actual Christmas. We go the weekend before (so this weekend) for one night only. I also take plenty of wine with me - my MIL is fond of a drink but not fond of buying any! But I'm happy to pay for it as it certainly helps the evening along! And then I just keep reminding myself that it's only one night.

Forestpixie · 17/12/2018 14:29

No nothing Holiday, SIL was like it on the very first minute/ time of meeting her. She literally hated me on sight. DP agrees but says he ‘doesn’t want to tackle it unless he absolutely has to’ as it’ll cause a load of upset .........!!!!

OP posts:
woolduvet · 17/12/2018 14:30

Tell your do what the absolute minimum that you will put up with:
If your glass is empty he gets you a top up
After x hours of playing with the kids, he gets out a game (one that works for just two of you if they're too dull)
You go for a walk, alone preferably, if everyone insists on coming then he must hold your hand not the kids.

If he can't manage these basics levels of attention then that's a massive way to show him you're going nowhere with them for a week!

MyBreadIsEggy · 17/12/2018 14:36

I’m on board with you OP.

  • We are nc with FIL and Step-MIL.
  • MIL and Step-FIL are absolutely mint, but don’t celebrate Christmas (MIL is Buddhist, step-FIL is Sikh)
  • Only one DH will want to visit is his Gran....and I’d honestly rather stay home and staple my eyelids to the carpet than visit her. She’s manipulative, emotionally abusive to DH, and yet he still feels obliged to visit her Hmm
DeepanKrispanEven · 17/12/2018 14:36

Tell your DH that when drinks are being offered to the men, he is to say loudly "And of course Forestpixie/DSis/DM" and slosh the booze around generously. Maybe if your MIL and SIL get gently pissed they'll be more bearable anyway.

itswinetime · 17/12/2018 14:39

Christmas I think the best you can do is make the situation as bearable as possible 1 bottle of Prosecco to share round the rest in dps room and keep topping yourself up I'd also bring as many snacks as possible keep your self merry enough for it to not be an issue.

Stop this holiday thing dead in the water. Tell your dp no way not happening of course he should go but you won't be spending a week with someone who acts like a bitch to you!

Holidayshopping · 17/12/2018 14:40

I’m sorry, but lovely as your DH is, that really isn’t having your back!

If someone literally hated me on sight I would not be spending Xmas in a house with them and I would say that is my reason why.

I just wouldn’t put myself in that situation-you are enabling her behaviour.

JennyWoodentop · 17/12/2018 14:42

he ‘doesn’t want to tackle it unless he absolutely has to’ as it’ll cause a load of upset .........!!!!

It has caused upset - to you. You are dreading this visit, you don't want to go on holiday with them - and I don't blame you. It is easier for him if you are upset rather than them being upset, that's what he means.
I either wouldn't go this time , or I would do it on my terms - I would read, knit, sew, whatever - if they complained I would smile blankly & carry on. If they mentioned it again I would just say that since I am not really included in the conversation I thought no one would mind me knitting. I would have headaches requiring lots of time lying down. Or I would go for long walks.
They will be a nightmare if you have children - SIL's nose will be put out of joint for sure.

Holidayshopping · 17/12/2018 14:42

Funny though, that she never tries to ration the men’s drinks, oh no, they can drink what they like so DP gets merry!

But why doesn’t he just top your drink up! I just can’t imagine my DH putting me in that situation?!

Stay at home on your own!

BackIntoTheSun · 17/12/2018 14:44

I feel for you all with the ILs. Mine find the most tedious things to watch on tv, like an obscure old film that's already halfway through or some kind of European news channel I never knew existed. Either that or it's talk of car parks, motorways, or their long dead dog. It's the only time of year I wish I drank.

At least now we have DD we can make them come to ours instead and I'm not freezing my tits off in their house

DarlingNikita · 17/12/2018 14:47

DP agrees but says he ‘doesn’t want to tackle it unless he absolutely has to’ as it’ll cause a load of upset

Tell him it already has –to you – and he DOES absolutely have to otherwise you just won't go to their place any more.

Nat6999 · 17/12/2018 14:53

I would come down with something highly infectious, involving lots of projectile vomiting 24 hours before you are due to go, get an online shop done & stay at home.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 17/12/2018 15:03

So basically OP, nothing you do will ever be right for them because you're the wrong sort of person for them? Hooray, this is your freedom. Be yourself.

This, with bells on! My life has been much less stressful since I decided to stop giving a shit about what my in laws think of me. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them so fuck it.

We're going to PIL's on Christmas day this year (we've been to my family last 2 years running) so I've put my foot down and told DH I'm not staying overnight. I want to be home by teatime so that at least part of the day will be relaxed and I'm spared the loooooong evening sitting in awkward silence in front of the TV. Last time we stayed there Christmas night FIL insisted on watching old episodes of bloody Top Gear all evening and if anyone tried to talk they got shushed.

UnknownStuntman · 17/12/2018 15:07

Christmas is for FAMILY time, no phones, you’re always on that thing

If theyre gonna take a strop anyway, just blow it up as its not going to be any worse.

"You're so right, but as I'm not with my family, I thought I'd catch up on my reading."

ladydickisathingapparently · 17/12/2018 15:08

I get it, OP. My DH struggles with the concept of putting his foot down with his family. With him I think there was so much conflict and shouting when he was small and MIL was terribly overbearing, he will do anything to avoid confrontation. Unfortunately this means (and I think you are the same) that I bear the brunt.

My ILs aren’t bad people, they are just old and set in their ways and don’t know how to have fun. We’ve tried it all over the nearly 30 years I’ve known them. Board games. Cheery Christmas films. Let’s go for a walk. Let’s play in the garden. MIL would rather supervise boiling the sprouts for three hours and FIL has no interests, hobbies or anything to talk about at all really. The children make it easier because obviously they’re a distraction for everyone so DH and I just play with them. Then we sit down to dinner (boiled to mush!) with a third of a glass of wine, and FIL says (I shit ye not) “let’s have an interesting discussion.” We all sit there trying to avoid sex, politics, race or religion wondering what to talk about.

The saddest thing I realised last night is that FIL would have been mid 50s when I first met him, and was frankly boring then. I’m nearly 50 now.

But as I said before. They love our children. They are genuinely pleased to see us. If I called them now and said I need you to come over now, they’d drop everything. Families, eh?

ladydickisathingapparently · 17/12/2018 15:09

Ps we don’t spend Christmas Day itself with them....just Boxing or NYD.

blackteasplease · 17/12/2018 15:29

Your DH is really out of order to allow you to feel so uncomfortable! He should be actively moving the conversation on to things that are more interesting. Or saying "let's put on such and such a movie ", one that both adults and kids can enjoy.

With the booze I would be having particularly strong words with him. No way should he be getting merry while you are confined to one drink. Every time he is offered one he MUST say "and one for OP, of course, she's not driving ", or "no fun drinking without my other half joining in". Defo bring more prosecco to get out of she hides it. If all else fails get DH to literally give you his beer (I'm assuming it's beer they are allowed but what ever he has) and wait for another for himself /get himself another one. Id rather have beer than nothing.

You do have a DH problem here OP!

Sexnotgender · 17/12/2018 15:32

No wonder your DH thinks it’s fine, he gets to sit and get merry while you drink tea and die of boredom.

GabsAlot · 17/12/2018 15:55

cant u go late xmas eve then leave early boxing day so its only one day?

its there house u cant really say how they should do xmas

user1473069303 · 17/12/2018 16:05

Say that the only tea passing your lips on xmas day is the Long Island iced version Grin

goingonabearhunt1 · 17/12/2018 16:30

Try and make them all go out for a walk or something. That sounds really claustrophobic. Take some DVDs? And tell your DH to get you another drink!