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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be dreading spending time with the in laws at Christmas?!

138 replies

Forestpixie · 17/12/2018 11:28

To be honest, I manage to largely avoid seeing them apart from a few times a year (they live 3 hours away!) but this year I’ve promised DP we can go to his parents this year as we’ve done the last 2 years with my family.

We’re travelling down Sunday afternoon and back early Boxing Day morning so we can have Boxing Day with mine.

I’m dreading it, I really don’t enjoy their company at all. His parents are on the whole pretty nice but his dad is very grumpy, doesn’t have any friends or socialise, just sits in his chair and moans, won’t entertain any games, or have a drink etc.

His mum I think tries to overcompensate for this by being a bit shrill and hysterical, but weirdly still no fun? Just talks incessantly about the price of a loaf of bread, that the corner shop on the high street is closing and other, not particularly engaging or interesting topics.

His DB is good fun and lovely but he’s in Singapore this year as he’s met a girl out there.

His sister, well, is a complete horror, looks at me like crap, doesn’t even say hello or if she does it’s begrudgingly. Expects the WHOLE day and evening to revolve entirely around her and her DC and god forbid if you change the subject after an hour or so to something other than her, or her DC then she’s really not happy and makes it known. PIL enable this and so does DP really so, really my whole Christmas is sat talking about her and her DC. Her husband I sense could be quite fun and interesting but if he dares speak to me, he gets a very sharp glance and thinks better of it.

I can’t even numb it with alcohol as whenever we have spent Christmas with them, I’ve brought along a couple of bottles of Prosecco, MIL has given everyone a glass on arrival and then puts them away somewhere and after the first goes ‘right, I’ll put the kettle on, who’s for a cuppa?’ And I know that my ration of one glass of alcohol has started!

Don’t get me wrong, I know people have it a lot worse, but I just don’t feel comfortable around them. I don’t have a lot in common if to talk about, I’m not particularly maternal so whilst I can take an interest in the kids for a couple of hours, it soon wears thin. Especially when they’re all anyone is allowed to talk about/ focus on.

They just do it so different to my family, we have adult conversation, games, a few drinks, laughs etc and selfishly I’d much rather do that. That’s not an option though as MIL already gets a face on if im not present at their family events so it’s not worth the fall out of not going.

Is anyone else dreading Christmas with Inlaws?

OP posts:
SugarCoatIt · 18/12/2018 08:05

This sounds awful OP but good on you for sucking it up.

I wam lid hold back a bottle of Prosecco, or hand one over and say I've bought this for everyone and this one is mine, hope you don't think me rude but it's so much easier when everyone brings what they drinking, and I intend to drink ALL of this

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/12/2018 08:40

Can I suggest to you that if your glass is empty, you say to your DP "Be a love and top up my glass when you're getting your own one topped up" or "DP, why is your mum offering me a cup of tea when I've got an empty glass of prosecco here, that needs topping up?" or even "You know that's quite rude DP, to top up your own glass and not ask guests if they want a top up? After all this is Christmas when we get to eat, drink and be merry!" followed by a tinkly laugh.

I'd tackle DP's sister separately. I'm not sure if you really want her to be interested in getting to know you as it could be smothering in the other extreme. Perhaps draw your DP's attention to her behaviour by saying "DP, do you know that your sister has barely spoken 10 words to me so far on this trip. Don't you think that's a poor way to host a guest?"

Take the matter in to your own hands. You decide how you're going to spend your Christmas and if they comment to your DP that you're bossy and rude, well then you don't have to do the trip to France or see them as it is your DP that you like spending time with, not them.

Lotuslots · 18/12/2018 08:48

Just suck it up and get through it. Seriously some of us have it much worse and would welcome this. Smile and go forth. :)

ResistanceIsNecessary · 18/12/2018 09:01

Why should she have to suck it up though?

I don't understand what it is about these two days of the year, where people are expected to put up with hostile and controlling behaviour and do so with a smile on their faces!

Perhaps it's just me. As I'm getting older one of the things that I find so liberating is giving less of a shit about what other people think - and the obligation to put up with their poor behaviour. There's a world of difference between politely sitting through a bit of a tedious 48 hours but knowing that your DP has your back and will support you, and sitting through 48 hours of being ignored and treated differently because you are female and have no children with no support or intervention from your 'D'P.

Alwaysgreener · 18/12/2018 09:52

PIL (and very spoilt teenage son) are NOT allowed to stay anymore after one year they stayed 4 days, brought no food, ate us out of house and home, bored us stupid until the last night we showed them all we had left (bag of pasta and a tin of tuna) and we hid in our bedroom until they'd gone to bed. They left at 8am next day before breakfast and haven't stayed again. Result!

SpiritedLondon · 18/12/2018 10:11

I haven’t really faced anything that bad but I’ve definitely faced boring days with my in-laws whose idea of entertaining falls a bit below my own standards. Warm glass of white wine anyone? I’ve put up with the long days and never getting to watch any of the programmes I might want to see etc etc ( same when they are here actually). If I’ve ever wanted to go and mooch around the shops it would mean everyone having to come along and stand in a huddle outside whatever shop I was in waiting for me. Nowadays I let it be known nicely what I’m intending to do over the period of time that I’m there. We take copious amounts of food and drink so I know that I can go and snack on “our” food. Beers and wine go in the fridge as soon as we get there and ice is made so no warm gin & tonic has to be drunk. If I want to go and browse in a shop I will say “ this is what I’m doing shall I meet in an hour” or “ I’m off to read my book” whatever it is. We always have at least one dinner out and we will also cook dinner one night so I will know that at least 2 meals won’t have mushy vegetables. If there’s a good film out then I would book seats for Boxing Day... and I would just say “ I’m doing this.... who wants to come”. Thankfully my DH is on board with this which is probably key - and they do live in a lovely part of the world which helps but it is about being proactive and not passive amidst it all.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 18/12/2018 10:11

OMG you’re describing my ILs. Ducking draining. We were there on Sunday and I was literally so bored that I was exhausted, felt literally drained of life. FIL also barely speaks to me (he’s a horrid man and on top of that incredibly dull, so no skin off my nose), yet we’ve been railroaded into TWO family breaks with them next year because we refused this year 😂 he said we have to go. We’re definitely not going to one (even though we’ve already said yes - but then they proposed the second one and I’m not going on 2). The second one is over our anniversary so hopefully will either not go at all or excuse ourselves for a day. Dreading the boredom already!

Fashionista101 · 18/12/2018 10:59

I'd lace her tea tbf, she won't give a shit then Grin

Lottapianos · 18/12/2018 11:55

'We were there on Sunday and I was literally so bored that I was exhausted, felt literally drained of life'

I feel you. We had MIL come to stay for a bank holiday weekend a few years ago. Literally all she wanted to do was sit in the living room and watch Deal or No Deal and do the crossword in the paper. ALL DAY. She didn't want to go out. She doesn't take any pleasure in food and doesn't drink alcohol. We practically dragged her out screaming one day to the shops - we spent about an hour mooching about, then she wanted to go home and sat down in her armchair and announced that she was absolutely shattered and was not moving again for the rest of the day. I hid in the bathroom on the third day and literally cried with boredom and frustration.

I should say that this was a few years ago and these days I simply would not tolerate being held under house arrest for 3 days over a precious bank holiday weekend

Yawnyprawn · 18/12/2018 16:43

OP, I get it. My in laws are kind people but MIL is irritating as hell and I do have to escape for a "nap" (ie a quiet lie down and stare at the internet) when staying at theirs. Just find a way to take the edge off it and make it tolerable for yourself - whether that's another glass of wine or playing a little private game of bingo with their well-worn phrases. Or see if you can introduce them to the games your family enjoys.

Good luck Flowers

HearMeSnore · 18/12/2018 16:48

Here's an idea - buy a set of wine glasses and wrap them up for MIL. When she unwraps them you can say "We noticed you don't have enough to go round so thought you'd appreciate a few extra for when you have guests."

meg70 · 19/12/2018 18:06

I used to dread it too, for many of the same reasons. Ex-FIL very controlling re drink, despite the fact that we'd bring loads and he drank like a fish himself. One year he said after dinner to his Son in law, "Melvin grab that bottle of port and 3 glasses"...there were 6 of us at the table but 3 men! MIL and FIL would argue constantly about every tiny thing, it was exhausting. He'd obsess about wrapping paper being on the floor whilst kids opened presents - kinda sucked the joy out of it tbh. Also v controlling re Xmas TV; anything he didn't want to watch was "rubbish". So anyway, my advice to you OP would be that if yr DP won't stand up for you (mine didn't) you will feel much better once you start to stand up for yourself. The last Xmas I was there - and I knew it was the last which made it so much easier to bear! - that's what I did and it was liberating. I even dared to state that I wanted to watch Downton Abbey, DD and MIL were in agreement. FIL actually huffed out of the room and sulked elsewhere and had a rant when he returned. So anyway this year I will be at my parents who are fantastic hosts and it's all very relaxed and fun. Good luck! Report back after Xmas?

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 19/12/2018 19:18

Omg - you are getting off lightly - I'm being tortured for a week this year !!! I'm copy pasting tips from here !!

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