To be dreading spending time with the in laws at Christmas?!

[Forestpixie]

To be honest, I manage to largely avoid seeing them apart from a few times a year (they live 3 hours away!) but this year I’ve promised DP we can go to his parents this year as we’ve done the last 2 years with my family.

We’re travelling down Sunday afternoon and back early Boxing Day morning so we can have Boxing Day with mine.

I’m dreading it, I really don’t enjoy their company at all. His parents are on the whole pretty nice but his dad is very grumpy, doesn’t have any friends or socialise, just sits in his chair and moans, won’t entertain any games, or have a drink etc.

His mum I think tries to overcompensate for this by being a bit shrill and hysterical, but weirdly still no fun? Just talks incessantly about the price of a loaf of bread, that the corner shop on the high street is closing and other, not particularly engaging or interesting topics.

His DB is good fun and lovely but he’s in Singapore this year as he’s met a girl out there.

His sister, well, is a complete horror, looks at me like crap, doesn’t even say hello or if she does it’s begrudgingly. Expects the WHOLE day and evening to revolve entirely around her and her DC and god forbid if you change the subject after an hour or so to something other than her, or her DC then she’s really not happy and makes it known. PIL enable this and so does DP really so, really my whole Christmas is sat talking about her and her DC. Her husband I sense could be quite fun and interesting but if he dares speak to me, he gets a very sharp glance and thinks better of it.

I can’t even numb it with alcohol as whenever we have spent Christmas with them, I’ve brought along a couple of bottles of Prosecco, MIL has given everyone a glass on arrival and then puts them away somewhere and after the first goes ‘right, I’ll put the kettle on, who’s for a cuppa?’ And I know that my ration of one glass of alcohol has started!

Don’t get me wrong, I know people have it a lot worse, but I just don’t feel comfortable around them. I don’t have a lot in common if to talk about, I’m not particularly maternal so whilst I can take an interest in the kids for a couple of hours, it soon wears thin. Especially when they’re all anyone is allowed to talk about/ focus on.

They just do it so different to my family, we have adult conversation, games, a few drinks, laughs etc and selfishly I’d much rather do that. That’s not an option though as MIL already gets a face on if im not present at their family events so it’s not worth the fall out of not going.

Is anyone else dreading Christmas with Inlaws?

Walk to nearby wood/ park with DCs , leave other adults to 'relax' and sit on MN whilst DCs muck about in the duck pond . Suggest it will help get an appetite for lunch. Exhausted DCs might sleep whilst you watch the queen a movie.

Oh dear, that does sound miserable.

I would just go for the day, maybe one night and leave early. I wouldn't feign illness or read though. Just try and make the best of it. G o into the kitchen and get on with things if MIL lets you. At least you'd be perceived as helpful. With this tactic, the wine box is a great idea, red so it doesn't even have to go in the fridge. If you aren't even allowed to help, then you can breeze in and out of the kitchen for a cheeky refill.

I'd be as nice as pie, try and get the best out of them - if you can!

Baggy trousers, a bottle strapped to each leg and a tube attached to each running up your leg, up your back & round to your neckline so you can pull the tube up and take a sip regularly under cover of stretching your neck muscles.
Get your book out and when they start moaning ask what game they're suggesting. When they decline say that you'll stick with your book then thanks.

On a more serious note tell the ILs you are looking at making a family tree and would love to hear about their DPs and GPSs , DFIL might have some interesting tales to tell.

This sounds remarkably like my IL’s we went one Boxing Day dinner was delayed/ruined/ late waiting on his sulky sister making an appearance.
I was also only allowed one glass of wine yet DH was frequently offered bottles of beer and never noticed or batted an eyelid that I was never offered another glass of wine or any other drink either.
Go this year try and smuggle some wine in and don’t go next year.

I had the Kindle app on my iPhone and after a while started reading, SIL got a face on her, MIL sang through gritted teeth ‘Christmas is for FAMILY time, no phones, you’re always on that thing’ I explained I was just on my kindle app and she snorted ‘well reading a book is hardly social is it’

I think that calls for the MN tinkly laugh (TM). Just laugh and pretend to think they're are joking ("ah ha ha ha, MIL, you're so funny!") And keep reading and ignore them. If they fume they fume.

I think we should stage an Iranian embassy style intervention - SAS swinging from the roof on grappling hooks and crashing through the patio doors bearing emergency alcohol.

I think I would arrive with a crate of wine, another of beer or cider and march in with a big smile, loudly proclaiming "I know it looks like a lot but we always seem to run out after one glass each, don't we? And we can't be having that. There's a time for cups of tea, and it ain't Christmas... amirite MIL?" Loud laugh. Big hug. Lovely to see you etc...

Then when the kids have gone to bed, "Well I'm sure nobody wants to just sit around looking at each other so fortunately we brought the Pictionary...who's in? Up for it this year, FIL? No? Suit yourself. Join in any time you want...Christmas is a time for family after all, right MIL?" Big smile...produce the bottle of Baileys and offer it round.

Pack the car with treats, bring them in one at a time. Wine box, brilliant. Research local pubs, restaurants, keep nipping out, most pubs are open a few hours on xmas day. Facebook is your friend. Find the local groups. You know you are from Norwich, etc. then plan ahead, do not stay in the house. Take some long walks ending in a nice lunch elsewhere.

Invite the in laws along, if they say no, so be it. You have left it so late to ask us really. I would be booking a restaurant for a xmas eve lunch to thank them for having us.

So basically OP, nothing you do will ever be right for them because you're the wrong sort of person for them?

Hooray, this is your freedom.

Be yourself. If they say don't read, talk to us, ask what they want to talk about. Or start a conversation about something that interests YOU. And feel free to tell them when they've said something already. It's possible to be perfectly civil and still make it clear that you're your own woman.

Or grit your teeth for the stay and get another 3 days closer to a stomach ulcer?

Excuse yourself politely to call your family and lie on DP's bed for as long as you want, reading.

I spend a considerable amount of my time negotiating family demands - care, attention, refereeing arguments between my sister and Mum warring factions. My absolute hard limit is Christmas. They can, and do, have any other time of year including Easter, my birthday and bank holidays - just not Christmas.

After years of pressure, emotional blackmail and trying to navigate what was 'fair' between various branches of families (as there are step-families as well), I put my foot down and now refuse to go anywhere. It's just DH and I and we sit and fat-arse on the sofa, drinking too much and watching crap telly. It's bliss.

Bloody hell, they sound awful! How does your husband justify his sister’s rude behaviour towards you?

I would definitely say no to tea and keep swigging the Prosecco. Try to get her husband to drink another glass too-sounds like he could do with a bit of festive cheer.

I think your DH needs to have your back here a bit more really.

Honestly I wouldn't go. It sounds absolutely grim. As someone said up thread - nothing you do pleases them, so catch the flu or something and stay home. Or if you really want to brazen it out, just say that you'd rather not go.

If you feel that you must go, then I recommend migraines, headaches, back ache - basically anything that means you can disappear to the bedroom for hours on end with a good book or your tablet and watch Netflix. And take your own wine and DO NOT hand it over to MIL.

Definitely take a hip flask.
And say you've got a dodgy tummy then u can slope off and mumsnet. We just go to my in laws for a couple of hours. They are nice but talk at you and seem incapable of asking me how I am ever. I just have to listen to them. Fucks me off!
Good luck everyone!

Invite everyone to the pub.

Then, if no-one else wants to go, just go with your DH.

Can I remind you all that you are adults, not children. Your PiL are adults. You are an adult. Call them by their first names (if you don't already) to emphasise that you are equals.
If you bring wine or chocolates and you want some, just ask (firmly) - where did you put that wine I brought, I think I'll have a glass now, anyone else? If criticised for drinking too much, you could say (to protect your reputation) that you don't usually have more than one glass but it's Christmas and you like to enjoy yourself at Christmas and you can't stand people who are mean about food and drink at Christmas.
If your ILs complain about you reading, just say (nicely), you're not really doing anything and I'm bored, we usually play games or talk about lots of different things in my family. Or, I thought I'd let you catch up on your family news.

If she treats you appallingly at the moment, it probably won’t get much worse. Read your book and drunk your wine. And make DH back you up. What does he have to say about it all?

Omg they sound awful. Put your foot down and say your not going, life too short.

Do you knit or crochet? I find it helps to keep me sane with my FIL who can bore for England. If I take along something with quite a complicated pattern I can concentrate on that and tune him out. If I claim to be making something for the grandchildren, he and MIL can't really complain.

We only went to my in-laws for Christmas once: no tree or decorations, a normal dinner eaten by us alone as they eat different food (steamed vegetables to start for example) and they get that ready while we're eating, me and DH on our own swapping presents in the living room (they give us cash, which is really nice of them but means no present-exchange), no alcohol or chocolates in the house ever as they don't really do "treats", no Christmas films or music.

Ever since then I have insisted we go to my parents' house where we're guaranteed Christmas music, decorations, turkey, crackers, more alcohol and chocolates than you can shake a stick at, big gift-swapping time... It's a completely different atmosphere.

Yes to hiding chocolates in your bag, that's what I do to avoid comments about snacking. Alcohol at least I can take a bottle and help myself, but I do get the feeling they're a bit mystified as to why I'd want to or need to drink it...

Christ it sounds horrendous. I really feel for you. I've been where you are now for 22 years.
I did get more brazen and harder and started to srick up for myself but it isn't easy.

My ILs never even had Wi-Fi. I had to rely on a good mobile data signal whilst hiding in the loo and "feeling ill" and going for a low down.

Awful that this sounds this is my first Christmas without them as they both died this year. I feel nothing but relief and am actually excited for Christmas this year.

If criticised for drinking too much, you could say (to protect your reputation) that you don't usually have more than one glass but it's Christmas and you like to enjoy yourself at Christmas

Why should the OP a have to protect her reputation and justify having more than one glass of Prosecco ever, let alone on Christmas Day? If anything, taking such an apologetic stance will just make the parsimonious ILs believe they’re still in the right.

Also note the men can drink what they like and women are expected to make do with tea (because they need to stay sober to cook and serve and wash up, presumably?). Fuck that. I’m not saying get shitfaced, but the OP is an adult and should just pour herself a drink whenever she fancies and ignore any disapproving looks.

Oh my god, I am literally LOLing at some of these replies, they’ve cheered me right up

In all honesty, my DP is bloody amazing in every other way, except when it comes to his family. I’m going to sound really harsh here but the ‘bad’ bits of him, are exactly what his family are like if that makes sense? That sounds horrible to him, and he doesn’t really have ‘bad’ bits, just less favourable bjts. but We’ve been together 6 years and he has come out of his shell and is just generally a bit more of a ‘go getting fun’ person since we’ve been together. I always saw it when he was around his friends, but he could and still can be stuffy and boring sometimes and it’s only in the last year that I’ve come to realise that it’s just how he is because that’s how his family are.

Don’t get me wrong my family aren’t perfect by any means but they are quite gregarious and sociable people (yet are also completely normal and appreciate people can do what they like, need their own space etc) and do like to make something of occasions. I have nieces and nephews that all attend family gatherings and whilst they do get a lot of attention, they are after a while expected to amuse themselves somewhat so that everyone can have a bit of adult time and conversation. His family are completely different, they expect you to just fawn and fuss over his sister and nephews all day and if the attention/ focus is taken off them for a moment, then everyone jumps back to it. DP has been ‘conditioned’ to think this is normal so that’s how he is too. He genuinely doesn’t have a problem with no other convo apart from his sister and her children. I do. If she can’t even do me the decency of saying hello and even being the slightest bit nice to me; then why should I indulge her and make Christmas all about her and her family?! His brother is a little bit the same but he’s lived abroad for the past 9 years so he’s definitely more ‘normal’ in that respect but I haven’t even got him this year

I’m getting more and more intolerant of them as the years go by and that makes me sad. I honestly would love to have in laws that I loved and couldn’t wait to see, life would be so much easeir.

To top it off, DP has just told me that MIL is insisting we all go to France for a week for a ‘family holiday’ next year and that ‘ForestPixie is to come as we barely see her nowadays’ so great, I feel like I’m being backed into a corner to use a week of my annual leave to go on holiday with them!! There’s no way I’m going!

And that’s the weird thing, I’m pressured all the time into spending time with these people, but FIL is nice but barely speaks to me, SIL (and husband) won’t even look at me and MIL just talks AT me all the time about subjects which are literally just....dull as fuck! BIL is abroad, and DP is glued to his nephews the whole time otherwise SIL/ MIL have a go at him. So really, why does it matter if I’m there or not?! It’s like they want me around but don’t actually want to bother with me in any way shape or form and then bitch and moan when I avoid them!

Last time I was at the in-laws on Christmas Day I went to bed at 8pm because it was more interesting than staying up with them.