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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex husband - new wife mental health- special needs child ! Help

102 replies

Glitterzzz · 16/12/2018 20:47

Hello.

I really need advice what to do. And what legally I can do.

Myself and ex husband divorced 5 ish years ago. Both moved on. We have one son together who is 11 with special needs. Said son lives with me but stays with his father Friday to Sunday every week and we share the school holidays.

Ex husband married his wife in November after 7 months of knowing each other. From what he has shared relationship is Rocky. My son started to tell me about arguments that he was witnessing when staying over. I raised this to ex husband and he assured me nothing to worry about / wasn’t harmful to our son.

He confide in me she has mental health issues mainly extreme depression and is heavily medicated I think it’s 1000mg daily of a antidepressant. This is what he told me. I checked online the name and dosage of the drug as I was curious and it told me that it’s generally Prescribed for someone with extreme depression and or suicidal behaviours.

I have made it clear as my son is vulnerable I do not wish him to be under anyone else’s care when he is with his father ( I set that rule long before she came on the scene) except for family members on his side.

I found out today that my ex husband went out on Saturday early evening and only returned on Sunday morning leaving my son with his wife without my knowledge or my permission. I know that when he is with Dad he has parental responsibility too but I’m cautious with my son due to his special needs and other issues I have had with ex husbands parenting in the past.

Ex husband left our son overnight with his wife without me knowing and without my son knowing when he was coming back. He then returned to their home and spent the day in bed hungover and alseep. He’s 51 for the record.

Where do I stand ? I’m angry about this. Am I right or wrong to be ? This is only about my son’s wellbeing. Myself and ex have known each other for 20 years and have a friendly atmosphere despite the break up

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 16/12/2018 20:55

It’s difficult to say without more information.

Was your DS distressed to be left with his step mother? Did she neglect his needs or behave in a way that is abusive?

If the answer is no then I don’t think you can complain. She is his step mother and will play some parenting role. You haven’t really explain why you think her MH problems make her unfit to be a step parent.

PurpleDaisies · 16/12/2018 21:01

People with depression still make good parents. Confused

I don’t know why your ex thought he had the right to tell you what medication she was on.

What specifically are you worried about?

cestlavielife · 16/12/2018 21:08

If you trust your ex to have your d's every weekend you have to trust he will make the right decisions over arranging care for him.
There have been times when my ex with depression and other mh issues has not been able to care for ds who has sn (More when having severe anxiety and anger ) but depression alone is not enough reason without evidence it s causing an issue
Can your ds communicate and tell you his worries?

Alaaya · 16/12/2018 21:08

I'm not sure you can legally do anything - your ex has parental responsibility and has as much right as you do with regards to your son. I don't think you can dictate who has care for him on his time, any more than he can dictate to you.

I also think your attitude towards your DS' stepmother sucks. She has depression. That doesn't make her a danger to her stepson and loads of people with MH problems are great parents.

user139328237 · 16/12/2018 21:08

You say he lives with you but in reality if he is with his Dad all weekend and half of the school holidays he has him just as much as you when school is considered.
You have to allow him to parent in a way that he wants unless it is provably harmful. Its also extremely disrespectful to suggest that people on medication for their mental health aren't suitable to look after children.

CollyWombles · 16/12/2018 21:14

So all you know is the wife is on medication for depression, which is a GOOD thing as it means she is trying to get well again, and that her and your ex husband have had arguments so that means she cannot be safe to have caring for his son?! Talk about judgemental. I think you should educate yourself on mental health and until there is any real cause for concern regarding your DS, then leave her be. Your ex husband had no right disclosing her medication and dose to you. Also I have never heard of any AD theft has a dose of 1000mg.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/12/2018 21:17

1000mg 😂👍

NeverTwerkNaked · 16/12/2018 21:21

I have been severely depressed and suicidal, even on my hardest days I was always a great parent and step mother.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 16/12/2018 21:24

Yes he sent me a picture of the box with her name on and it was 1000mg I too have never heard of something so strong which is why I googled it and saw what it’s typically prescribed for. So the 😂😂 comment ? I don’t get.

I’m not ignorant of mental health. Some of my closest friends have mental health issues but they aren’t looking after my son while heavily medicated. She is also known to have a drinking problem ( ex has told me this ) and he is trying to get her help. They have a explosive relationship lots of arguments and throwing him out ( I didn’t know most of this until last week or two) this is why I have worries.

Because of my son’s age and conditions which make him more vulnerable than another child of 11 I worry even more so.

The comment that he doesn’t live with me as he is with his dad fri to Sunday and we share the holidays sorry but that’s not true. He is legally here with me, registered for school and all doctors and people that work with us as a family. He sleeps here 5 nights a week so yes he lives with me.

I’m thinking maybe a legal contact order is the way to go?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/12/2018 21:27

1000mg = 1g. It’s an odd way to express the dose.
What’s the drug name?

jjsmum84 · 16/12/2018 21:28

Sooooo.....people with depression that are on medication to get better and function normally are not good parents/step parents?

NurseryFightClub · 16/12/2018 21:30

I don't think yabu to be concerned, your son has already witnessed arguments. If the arguments are due to her depression, then is her medication correct and is she taking it regularly.
People with mh can be good parents, but I would be concerned in this instance.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 16/12/2018 21:31

Setraline I believe ? Combined with daily drinking

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/12/2018 21:32

Drip drip drip. Daily drinking?

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 16/12/2018 21:33

Typical mumsnet jumping to drag the poster without reading the thread. I’m concerned because she’s heavily medicated with a drinking problem and a explosive nature who has only known my son for 7 months and he is more vulnerable due to mental disabilities 🙄

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2018 21:33

You won’t get a judge to agree to you dictating who your child spends time with when he’s having contact with his father. She’s his wife. They live together. Her health, including her depression, is her business.

You haven’t said anything about what she did which endangered your son. Did she starve him and lock him in his room? Verbally abuse him? Or did she give him dinner, watch tv with him, put him to bed at a sensible time and spend time with him?

You don’t have a reason to stop contact with his father and it’s up to his father who lives in his home and spends time with his son.

agnurse · 16/12/2018 21:34

You would need to consult a solicitor. In Canada, where I live, a step-parent caring for a step-child is not considered baby-sitting. Unless you can demonstrate that she is abusive or neglectful there likely is nothing you can do.

Your son is your ex's child too. Unless you can demonstrate abuse or neglect, what goes on at his home is not your business. You cannot dictate to a grown adult how he lives his life.

PurpleDaisies · 16/12/2018 21:35

No mention of the drinking in the op.

Sertraline is safe with alcohol.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 16/12/2018 21:35

Drip drip drip? No love more like gulp gulp gulp. She drinks heavily and becomes abusive. She drinks every day and hides the evedience ...

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 16/12/2018 21:35

How was your son?
Was he ok?
No harm no issues?

I have depression and am a single mum to 4. There was a point where I seemed to take more tablets than food!

Not ideal but it does not mean you are dangerous to others.

ourkidmolly · 16/12/2018 21:35

If you're not happy, tell your ex and ask him not to leave your son in her dole care. He's created the problem by disclosing this confidential information.

ourkidmolly · 16/12/2018 21:36

sole!

Lockheart · 16/12/2018 21:36

@PurpleDaisies - mg is a perfectly normal way of expressing dosages. It’s what was on my box of fluoxetine when I used to take it. 500mg / 200mg / 100mg - even on over the counter ibuprofen and paracetamol.

OP antidepressants are not painkillers and they don’t generally affect your ability to function or impair you, so saying she’s “heavily medicated” is frankly pointless and a touch over emotive. YANBU to not want your son left with a (comparative) stranger but YABU to imply she’s irresponsible or dangerous because of her depression.

serialtester · 16/12/2018 21:36

The maximum dose of sertraline is 200mg a day. FYI.

Taking antidepressants doesn't make someone incapable of being an adult.

CosmicCanary · 16/12/2018 21:36

Oh so shes an alcoholic as well?