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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex husband - new wife mental health- special needs child ! Help

102 replies

Glitterzzz · 16/12/2018 20:47

Hello.

I really need advice what to do. And what legally I can do.

Myself and ex husband divorced 5 ish years ago. Both moved on. We have one son together who is 11 with special needs. Said son lives with me but stays with his father Friday to Sunday every week and we share the school holidays.

Ex husband married his wife in November after 7 months of knowing each other. From what he has shared relationship is Rocky. My son started to tell me about arguments that he was witnessing when staying over. I raised this to ex husband and he assured me nothing to worry about / wasn’t harmful to our son.

He confide in me she has mental health issues mainly extreme depression and is heavily medicated I think it’s 1000mg daily of a antidepressant. This is what he told me. I checked online the name and dosage of the drug as I was curious and it told me that it’s generally Prescribed for someone with extreme depression and or suicidal behaviours.

I have made it clear as my son is vulnerable I do not wish him to be under anyone else’s care when he is with his father ( I set that rule long before she came on the scene) except for family members on his side.

I found out today that my ex husband went out on Saturday early evening and only returned on Sunday morning leaving my son with his wife without my knowledge or my permission. I know that when he is with Dad he has parental responsibility too but I’m cautious with my son due to his special needs and other issues I have had with ex husbands parenting in the past.

Ex husband left our son overnight with his wife without me knowing and without my son knowing when he was coming back. He then returned to their home and spent the day in bed hungover and alseep. He’s 51 for the record.

Where do I stand ? I’m angry about this. Am I right or wrong to be ? This is only about my son’s wellbeing. Myself and ex have known each other for 20 years and have a friendly atmosphere despite the break up

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 16/12/2018 22:24

The OP has issues she needs help with and she’s not going to find it here

Yes she has.
Dad cannot care for their child safely.
Therefore go to court.

What OP actually wants is 4 pages of slagging off the new wife as all this is her fault.
Not gonna happen.

CollyWombles · 16/12/2018 22:26

When it comes to concerns of child safety, you would expect nothing less than 'the most relevant information' in the OP. Not thrown in when the thread doesn't appear to be going her way.

Aside from mental health, people have pointed out that her concern should be with the exh that is willingly leaving his child in the care of the wife, but she would rather continue slating the wife than the exh that should be acting like a responsible adult and parent by not allowing his child to witness or be affected by his CHOICE to marry a woman that allegedly has drinking issues that may or may not impact on the child's safety.

cestlavielife · 16/12/2018 22:26

Your issue is with your ex not his wife.
He married someone he didn't want to marry?
Is there a court order?
If no stop sending ds there.

TatianaLarina · 16/12/2018 22:27

See what I mean OP? They’ll look after you in Relationships.

Good luck.

PurpleDaisies · 16/12/2018 22:28
Hmm
CosmicCanary · 16/12/2018 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

serialtester · 16/12/2018 22:30

As someone who is "heavily medicated " I find the OP rather "ableist" (is that the term?) substitute the mental health aspect for a physical disability.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/12/2018 22:30

How lovely that in OP's absence @TatianaLarina is here to say exactly what OP would want to say herself.

🤥

RightOcciputAnterior · 16/12/2018 22:35

Nobody is prescribed 1000mg of sertraline. I imagine OP's ex's wife is on 100mg. Which begs the question, is OP a reliable narrator of any aspect of this story?

Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 22:37

ExH sounds like an idiot.

What man phones his ex wife in tears the day before getting married, cries to her about not wanting to marry his fiancé but saying he has to otherwise she'll lob him out, marries the fiancé anyway then carries on slagging her off to the ex wife telling her the new wife is a problem drinker with mental health problems and starts distributing pictures of her private prescription medication which leads to posting about her on MN.

Then to top it all off he leaves his vulnerable son with SN alone with the so called "unstable, highly medicated, problem drinker" whilst he goes out all night getting pissed.

It's him who's the problem and if his wife does shout at him I don't blame her. It's probably because she's got a hold of his phone and seen the crap he's been sending you Grin

Schuyler · 16/12/2018 22:38

Tatiana, why are you so aggressive towards another poster? Way too over invested.

OP drip drip dripped.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 16/12/2018 22:41

yes I should have included all info in the original post. No not looking to slag his wife off... I never said she was an alcoholic either... 🤐 why do people always find it hard to believe that you can divorce and be friendly with an ex without hating their new partners and new life ? He doesn’t hate mine and I don’t hate his. I’m worried about my son that’s all

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 16/12/2018 22:44

So if you are worried use your brain.
Your ex in your view is not keeping your son safe. So you must.
The new wife is not the one in charge of safeguarding your son you and his father are.

PinaColada1 · 16/12/2018 22:45

Honestly? I’d be going EOW with your ex and booking activities during holidays. I think many men, usually, say they want their children more than they are prepared to actually take seriously. And with sn it’s more serious.

And they do not manage the house in the same way - if you had a new bf I think it’s still probable you’d keep firmly in charge of being the parent. With men they just let a woman be more in that role, because they don’t seem to have got the equality agenda yet. Disappointingly.

Protect your son.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 16/12/2018 22:47

Yesssssss I know . The original point of my post is asking legally what can I do? This included legally towards my ex husband . I’m thinking a contact order but not sure if I can make any stipulations in terms of my son needing more safe guarding than say a 11 year old without his difficulties ? We don’t have a legal order at the moment .

For the poster who said she would have a problem as the new wife of her husband was having his child’s every weekend - really?- is it shocking to know there are a lot of hands on Dads that want frequent and regular contact with their child?

OP posts:
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 22:48

He's behaving inappropriately though Glitterz, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and your new husband/partner was disclosing all of these things about you to his ex wife.

If she's as bad as he's trying to make her out to be then he had no business marrying her and being dependent on her for a roof over his head and that of his son every weekend. There's a term for people like him on here and I think it's "cocklodger Confused

If he was at all concerned about her being volatile and unpredictable surely he wouldn't leave the most precious person in his life alone with her overnight whilst he goes out on the piss. He knows her better than you and clearly feels comfortable leaving DS with her, unless his judgement can't be trusted?

If he has good reason to think she's a risk to DS then he's absolutely in the wrong for leaving him in her care and that's all on him.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 16/12/2018 22:50

I agree I really do. This is why I’ve told him I’m not happy about it all and want to seek legal advice. He doesn’t listen to me when I voice my concerns

OP posts:
PinaColada1 · 16/12/2018 22:51

Yes OP but I think a lot of men want more contact, but that doesn’t mean it’s best for our kids. Your child is not being well parented or managed by your Ex. I’d be rethinking completely this ew arrangement, it’s not worked. If he’s let an alcoholic gf look after his son then that is not someone I’d want to be nearly 50/50. I’d be pressing for far, far less contact as he obviously can’t parent well enough.

Fishbiscuits · 16/12/2018 22:53

That will be 1000mcg micrograms. That is an average dose for sertraline.

1000mcg is only 1mg. It’s not an average dose, you can’t actually get Sertraline in tablets of less than 50mg. The usual dose of Sertraline is 50-200mg a day, which would be 5000-20,000mcg.

puddled2 · 16/12/2018 22:55

I would absolutely see this as a cause for concern ,who gives a flying fook that op ex confides in her good job he does by the sounds of it ,get advice op and quick , good luck

springydaff · 16/12/2018 22:56

The only mistake you made is posting in AIBU op.

Re post in relationships.

fwiw I agree you need to safeguard your boy. Stop your boy going there, tell your gp what is going on who will probably get ss involved. Your boy shouldn't be in an environment where there is domestic abuse AND he shouldn't be left in sole charge of a person - actually, stranger - who is a problem drinker.

NameWithChange · 16/12/2018 22:57

I think you are being unfairly laid into here.

There are some concerning circumstances and you are right to be worried.

Legally I'm not sure what you can do - in the eyes of Social Services you would be expected so something with regards for safeguarding. The Courts and Safeguarding requirements rarely work alongside each other in my experience.

I would research an experienced family solicitor in your area and ask for a free consultation to get some basic advice.

Your exH married fast, a new person on the scene in such a permanent role is a big change in your sons life. I think if it was me I would be arranging Every other weekend with him and maybe one regular weeknight. If your ex and his wife both work they won't have much alone time anyway. And if your Ex has every other weekend 'off' he can have a social life without leaving your son with his wife which would remove some of the worry.

Augusta2012 · 16/12/2018 22:57

100mg of sertraline would not make someone heavily medicated or indicate extreme depression. I’ve had major depressive episodes and I’d laugh in a doctors face if he suggested Sertraline would be a suitable medication. I take much more hardcore ADs and have worked, completed a degree and brought up three children. So it’s not like I’m drooling in a corner incapable.

If this is real and the ex is ringing OP saying awful and exaggerated things about his new wife, including the thing about the wedding and being kicked out. But on the other hand he was fine about leaving DS with her for long periods. Well my first thought would be that the ex wanted to worm his way back in with OP and was saying this stuff to her so she’ll say ‘Oh that’s so awful, leave her and come and stay with us.’ or so if he manages to reel the OP back in he can justify dumping his DW.

I really can’t see a situation where a man who wanted his DW to help with the care of his child would be willingly be telling his ex this.

RebelWitchFace · 16/12/2018 23:01

Was your son harmed,distressed and upset in any way while in her sole care?

CollyWombles · 16/12/2018 23:01

Legally you could apply for a residency order. This is what I did for my 4 DC. A residency order means the court and all legal companies recognise that you are the main carer, your home is the child's main residence, that the police can go and collect your child and return him to you at any point should you have concerns over his safety and the ex cannot remove him from your care or your area of residence without your sole permission.

It was important to me that I could have the children brought home if there was any doubt over their safety.

You can also go for a contact order, be aware that the judge can award more or less time than you actually ask for.

You can raise your concerns with social services, they can investigate and make a report to the childrens reporter should they feel intervention is necessary.

All of these are very big steps and should not be taken lightly. You will be investigated as much as your ex, even though its you that raises the concerns. It's necessary for the court and SS to establish a full view of the child's life from home life with you, to schooling, medical care, life with dad, everything will be looked at. As your child is 11 even with SN they may want to speak to him and this can be upsetting.

Before you do any of the above, get legal advice first. Stop your child going on contact, a court and SS will want to know why you allowed your child to keep going back if you felt there was a risk.

It will get messy, be one of the most stressful times of your life, so be really certain that it needs to be done before you do anything.