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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Constantly Losing My Shit With Teens - Abusive?

106 replies

IAintNoMaid · 16/12/2018 16:49

I have 3 older DC aged 16 and above and 1 primary aged.

I am constantly losing it with the older 3 and don't know what to do to change it. I don't want their enduring memories of me, when they leave home, to be that I'm a raging fishwife!

They do nothing to help out unless I lose it.

Now at college and local Uni, they are at home at different times of the week and are always leaving mess for me to clean up. I clean in the AM and at least one of them will come behind me and make mess.

Today for eg, they are in bed til after lunchtime. I have called them up from 11 am onwards. I've cleaned kitchen of breakfast and lunch stuff for little DC, DH (who went to work) and I, hoovered, cleaned bathroom etc. I then go to shop and come back to dirty crockery on the side, crumbs all over counter and floor and I LOSE MY SHIT!

They were told before I went out to leave kitchen as they found it as they are everyday. They tell me to shut up as I'm irritating to them!

It's minor in the scheme of things but it's day in day out.

In the evenings DSs are on the PS 4 and are told to get off as we're going to bed. I won't let them stay downstairs as they're noisy (shouting at game) and will stay up until the early hours. I have to tell them at least 20 times to switch off PS4 while I'm waiting to go to bed so I end up LOSING MY SHIT. DD will sleep in the evenings then get up later on and make noise while we're in bed clattering around the kitchen leaving shit for me to clear up in the morning.

They have been brought up having a nightly shower/bath. I have to tell them constantly in the eve, go and get washed, they don't. Then at 1am they will run a bath, waking me up!

They have no respect so it's not as easy as being 'firm' with them. They will grapple with me if I try to take phones, shout and swear, stamp about etc. I turn off WiFi then all hell breaks loose until I put it back on.

They were not brought up like this (or maybe they must have been). I have been a SAHM since I had youngest DC so have always been around for them.

When I ask them to do something, they even say 'well what do nothing all day', etc. They will not take in that I'm not the bloody maid and they are old enough to pitch in. They'll even ask why the 7 year old is not doing stuff, when they didn't do anything at his age!

Its a horrible environment for my youngest and I feel terrible about myself shouting every day. DH is on my side and also loses it when he gets home from work and I tell him what they've done, said.

Am I supposed to just let it go and live in a shit tip or be their maid just to keep the peace. They piss me off so much I don't want to do anything for them!

Really worried I'm verging on being abusive as the slightest mess or refusal to do as I ask now is like a red rag to a bull (me).

Aaarrrgghhhh!

OP posts:

Original poster

IAintNoMaid · 16/12/2018 16:53

Sorry. When I ask them to do something they say well what do you do, nothing, sitting at home all day! They've even said I should get a job, etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

IAintNoMaid · 16/12/2018 17:00

They don't come when I call them for dinner, they'll use the excuse they had headphones in, while I'm screaming up the stairs after slaving over the stove.

They'll leave their unscraped plates on the side when they can see I've loaded the dishwasher etc. Bring crockery from upstairs and just leave it etc.

Eat all the fucking biscuits before we even get one because they know my hiding places. Leave yoghurt pots all over the house. One still 'forgets' to flush.

Chuck washing over my bedroom when they're looking for something that I haven't put away yet.

Aaaarrgghhh what a waste of my life bringing them up!

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 16/12/2018 17:01

Well, shouting at them isn't doing anything because whilst unpleasant, it's a short term no consequence measure so essentially they'd rather be nagged for 10 min/ day rather than do chores for 30.

So what if they lose it over the WiFi, it's a consequence. If you pay for a phone contract, put restrictions in place. Take the PS4 away. No pocket money.

And introduce some chores for your 7yo, otherwise the same can happen in 9 years.

blackteasplease · 16/12/2018 17:03

Proper consequences. Like changing the Wi-Fi code until they behave. Stopping any money they may have etc. That age are old enough for consequences that last a little while.

Original poster

IAintNoMaid · 16/12/2018 17:06

I do take away the WiFi. They will do a few chores. Then it'll just go back to the way it was before!

They have no respect for me at all. I don't know to change their way of thinking. It seems to be a habit.

OP posts:

Amazonian27 · 16/12/2018 17:06

I have young teenagers and unless I loose my shit they do nothing either. Bedrooms are a tip and they think every spare minute they have is theirs to as they please usually to waste on Xbox, iPads and phones etc.
If I ask them
Nicely to put the recycling out, pick dirty clothes off their bedroom floors, the bathroom or to run round quickly with the hoover, hang their uniforms up after taking it off, make their beds, open their bedroom blinds, put the milk back in the fridge or something they get nasty.
No solution but feel for you OP.

CheshireChat · 16/12/2018 17:07

And adapt as necessary- pocket money, phone etc

Constantly Losing My Shit With Teens - Abusive?

Amazonian27 · 16/12/2018 17:08

The only thing that works with my two is locking all the controllers in the boot of my car.

Sethos · 16/12/2018 17:09

Blimey, I can feel my blood pressure soaring just reading this! I'm not surprised you're losing the plot with them - selfish little feckers

This paragraph stood out for me... I know it doesn't feel easy, but it really is as simple as being firm with them; be firm, immovably so, and stick to it until they change their tune. You and your DH need to sit them all down and lay out the new world order; give them the set of house rules that they need to stick to, and tell them that if they don't stick to them, all facilities currently provided are withdrawn. So no money for anything at all (including phone contracts, lunch at college, whatever), no laundry, lifts, cleaning, wifi, use of tv, etc. Make a list of all the things you provide for them, and point out that if they don't keep their side of the bargain, not will you. Then you have to stick to it, and your DH has to back you up.

If I turn off Wifi all hell breaks loose
Let it. Let them be the ones screaming and shouting, instead of you - you remain serenely calm and completely immovable. They pull their weight, then they will get treated like adults and everyone will be happy. If they behave like lazy, petulant children, they'll be treated as such.

They'll thank you later.

MrsChollySawcutt · 16/12/2018 17:09

Shouting isn't going to get you anywhere and is frankly much more unpleasant for your younger DC to live with than a few dirty plates and crumbs.

If these Dc are all over age of 16 you need to stop treating them like little children - taking their phones, telling them when to wash etc is not going to create an environment of mutual respect.

Sounds like a grown up sit down family conference setting ground rules for all the adults in the family (including you) is needed.

CheshireChat · 16/12/2018 17:10

So take it again for longer- instead of 1 day, they lose it for 2. If after 2 days they start again, a minimum of 3 etc.

Also stop doing stuff for them altogether- no laundry, no treats (get a locked safe), no lifts.

Does your DH pull his weight around the house though? Or is he the type that thinks that everyone else should?

leaveitaloneyoutwat · 16/12/2018 17:10

If they are grappling with you about phones and shit I’d actually step back.

Id decide what your non negotiables are (for me it would be get off the PlayStation after bedtime and have a shower at about 10) and stick to that.

Original poster

IAintNoMaid · 16/12/2018 17:11

That's the thing Amazonian*. They have the mindset that they are entitled to spend all day doing what they want. Get up, go on game or ipad, eat, shit, sleep, repeat!

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 16/12/2018 17:12

Well 'losing your shit' isn't working is it, IME they will just lose all respect for you making the situation worse. As PPs said they need effective direct consequences and if they don't like it they can live elsewhere, adults of uni age should not behave like animals, but they aren't learning any differently from you

mrsjackrussell · 16/12/2018 17:12

I really feel for you and have 3 teens myself. How about not doing anything for them? I know it's hard but no lifts, no washing, going a bit far but put dirty plates back in their room. Switch WiFi off at 10 so they can't play computers at night. Let them know you mean business. Worth trying.

Poppyfr33 · 16/12/2018 17:19

Sit them down and lay down the rules in the house, set a time for meals and if not at table dinner in bin, they put their own clothes away, put in their bedrooms. Their dirty dishes will be left for them to clean. They have become entitled and need to learn to take responsibility, if they don’t agree there will be consequences and they have to be carried through. Good luck

Poppyinagreenfield · 16/12/2018 17:23

They will transfer this learned and rewarded behaviour to someone else at some stage later on.

Birdsgottafly · 16/12/2018 17:25

I'd be telling the one at Uni to pack their bags, or shape up. No negotiations.

The others can lose their shit all they want. Night time is for sleeping. My DD thought she explode at me and I'd cave. I phoned the Police.

You do realise that your youngest is growing up in a domestic abuse situation, don't you?

pfwow · 16/12/2018 17:25

Some of them are adults. Tell them to move out.

PerpetualStudent · 16/12/2018 17:25

I know this isn’t always a popular view on Mumsnet, but I would be thinking about stopping cooking meals and cleaning up after them, and start charging rent.
They obviously feel they are adults who won’t be ordered about by their mother, so time to give them a (curated) experience of the real world. You could do them a ‘housing contract’, which includes things about keeping communal areas clean, no unsociable noise etc. (Show them actual rental contracts so they understand this is real life)
Those at uni could absolutely be paying at least some nominal rent, and if a PT job isn’t feasible for the 16 year old, then perhaps they ‘pay’ with credits from a particular chore or something?

You’ve done an incredible job being a SAHM all these years, but sounds like now you all need a change of gear and need to refocus on developing the skills they’ll need to live independently and not cause future housemates/partners to develop murderous thoughts towards them!

Missingstreetlife · 16/12/2018 17:26

Cheshire is right. I would also say these are the rules in this house, anyone who doesn't like it find somewhere else to live. Change is always hard but stick at it till their expectations are more reasonable. They are young adults they should pull their weight, you don't have to cook or wash for them. Stop shouting, that willl worry them for a start

leaveitaloneyoutwat · 16/12/2018 17:26

And what would you do when they say fuck off, we aren’t paying it?

Birdsgottafly · 16/12/2018 17:27

Also, stop cooking for Adults.

AJPTaylor · 16/12/2018 17:28

I found the perfect answer to this.
Sold the house and moved 150 miles with youngest dd, also primary age.
They now live in their own mess in their own filthy homes

VioletCharlotte · 16/12/2018 17:28

I do feel for you. Teens can be a nightmare, and as a group they form a pack! Do you give them an allowance? My DS2, who is 17 and at college, gets his allowance for cleaning, doing washing, some cooking, etc. He has a list of everything he must do each week to get it. This works quite well. DS1 is at a local uni, he's very messy, but does contain it to his own room (which I do lose my shit about the state of every now and then!)

As yours are making a mess of the whole house I think you need to restrict the Wi-fi unless they start sticking to the rules. Is the one who is at the local uni likely to move out next year?

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