Constantly Losing My Shit With Teens - Abusive?

[IAintNoMaid]

I have 3 older DC aged 16 and above and 1 primary aged.

I am constantly losing it with the older 3 and don't know what to do to change it. I don't want their enduring memories of me, when they leave home, to be that I'm a raging fishwife!

They do nothing to help out unless I lose it.

Now at college and local Uni, they are at home at different times of the week and are always leaving mess for me to clean up. I clean in the AM and at least one of them will come behind me and make mess.

Today for eg, they are in bed til after lunchtime. I have called them up from 11 am onwards. I've cleaned kitchen of breakfast and lunch stuff for little DC, DH (who went to work) and I, hoovered, cleaned bathroom etc. I then go to shop and come back to dirty crockery on the side, crumbs all over counter and floor and I LOSE MY SHIT!

They were told before I went out to leave kitchen as they found it as they are everyday. They tell me to shut up as I'm irritating to them!

It's minor in the scheme of things but it's day in day out.

In the evenings DSs are on the PS 4 and are told to get off as we're going to bed. I won't let them stay downstairs as they're noisy (shouting at game) and will stay up until the early hours. I have to tell them at least 20 times to switch off PS4 while I'm waiting to go to bed so I end up LOSING MY SHIT. DD will sleep in the evenings then get up later on and make noise while we're in bed clattering around the kitchen leaving shit for me to clear up in the morning.

They have been brought up having a nightly shower/bath. I have to tell them constantly in the eve, go and get washed, they don't. Then at 1am they will run a bath, waking me up!

They have no respect so it's not as easy as being 'firm' with them. They will grapple with me if I try to take phones, shout and swear, stamp about etc. I turn off WiFi then all hell breaks loose until I put it back on.

They were not brought up like this (or maybe they must have been). I have been a SAHM since I had youngest DC so have always been around for them.

When I ask them to do something, they even say 'well what do nothing all day', etc. They will not take in that I'm not the bloody maid and they are old enough to pitch in. They'll even ask why the 7 year old is not doing stuff, when they didn't do anything at his age!

Its a horrible environment for my youngest and I feel terrible about myself shouting every day. DH is on my side and also loses it when he gets home from work and I tell him what they've done, said.

Am I supposed to just let it go and live in a shit tip or be their maid just to keep the peace. They piss me off so much I don't want to do anything for them!

Really worried I'm verging on being abusive as the slightest mess or refusal to do as I ask now is like a red rag to a bull (me).

Aaarrrgghhhh!

Just saw they'll grapple you for stuff- then just terminate/ block their phone access, can be done through their contract IIRC. Not much use, if they can't use them.

Take the cables/ controllers for the PS4.

The chargers are a good option as well.

AJP ditto

The oldest is at uni? I would ask them to move out tbh. Don't frame it as if you're chucking them out as that would be awful for your relationship. Take them out one on one and let them know that you regret all the shouting, but as they're an adult now you think it would be better if they spread their wings and be independent. Problem solved.

With the younger one, explain to them how you feel in a non pressured environment. Take them out to lunch. Frame it as if you want to help them to be better functioning people. You're doing them a favour really - it's much harder to learn this stuff on one's own than it is to learn it with a parents help.

you're clearly very frustrated but i don't think this is what you want your relationship with your children to look like. They're not doing it deliberately to piss you off, they're just inconsiderate because they're teenagers. It's how it is. Ask yourself how you can foster an environment of mutual respect in your home and start going about creating it.

I agree with PPs that shouting is not achieving anything at all. In fact, it probably backfires since it allows the teens to feel as though they have been hard done by: Mum shouted, therefore she is 100% in the wrong. Of course, that interpretation is ridiculous but I would imagine many teens would experience a sense of righteous indignation and believe that they have "won" that round.

In your shoes, I would do my best to remain completely calm and not get drawn into any drama. Not easy, I know! Set out new house rules and stick to them. No WiFi at all if they can't behave like reasonable human beings and productive members of the household. I might also as a temporary measure put aside a limited number of plates, cups, etc. for each of them. If they want to eat at the next meal, then they need to do their washing up first. Hopefully that would break the habit of leaving dirty dishes around.

And what would you do when they say fuck off, we aren’t paying it?

I would gently but firmly invite them to find somewhere else to live, for those over 18. As PP said, not in an ‘I’m chucking you out’ way. But from taking an unsuitable you off a 6 month old, to limiting a 10 year old’s screen time and so on, your children are always looking to you to model appropriate behaviour with clear boundaries and consequences. Their behaviour isn’t appropriate, there needs to be clear new boundaries, and if they won’t stick to them there’s consequences.

I know it’s easy for me to write, but isn’t that the basic situation?

*unsutiable toy, that should be! Fucking autocorrect and lack of edit button!

Poor you! I can see this happening on a small scale (one DD) with me. It sounds like you have done so much for them they expect it now.

It is exhausting feeling like a nag and repeating yourself 100 times a day.

I also imagine you don't want to live in squalor and chaos while they decide to do things 'in their own time'.

If I switched off the WIFI my 10 year old would just switch it back on!

I have teen DCs and I feel your pain in some respects. We have a clearing up rota - dinners only - It works in the main although we do have the arguments of who wasn’t in to do their turn, etc. But they know they have to at least make some form of effort as I suppose they must appreciate me to some extent. I also work 4 days a week and refuse to slave after them.
I think a lot of it is about respect. You need to stick to your guns over sanctions. So what if they rant and rave? Go out and take the router with you. If you follow through they know you mean business. Go ‘on strike’ if you must, my mum did once and I still remember it!! Alternatively if they’re old enough they can leave home.
I also get the ‘I’m just finishing the game’ thing from DS, but then he has to eat cold dinner. He knows it’s on the table and I’m not going to go mad shouting as it’s just not worth it and my DCs don’t respond to it.

I have three teenagers too. I learnt with my eldest that shouting and loosing my shit made things worse.

With my younger two I rarely shout. If they are not cooperating just stop doing stuff for them. Your bedroom should be out of bounds, and if they will not take responsibility for being part of the household, stop doing their washing, buying the food they like, cooking meals, putting the hot water on....

I did find that making time for each teen and doing stuff with them, helped massively. Even just asking one to go for a walk, walking is a really good opportunity to chat and as you are not looking at them whilst walking they can be more open.

The best advice I had on how to deal with teens was to 'stay close' and be seen to be on their side.

For posters saying to the OP 'shouting won't get her anywhere' I think that's the point of the post! She knows that!

Is this one girl and two boys (the teens) OP?

I wonder if you could do some dividing and conquering, give one of them a privilege or a bonus of cash for having done their chores sort of thing. You catch more flies with honey ...

That said, it does sound very difficult.

What are they doing at the minute? Are they all students? Maybe it’s time for one or two to move out, at least during term time?

The oldest would have moved out for Uni far away if we could have afforded to subsidise her which would have cost much more than subsidising her to live at home.

She'll be out next summer. She knows I mean it. She will have screaming meltdowns that we treat her like a child when she refuses to do stuff or bangs around.

It is a horrendous living situation. We're in a semi and I hate that my neighbour hears it.

Peace will reign until I ask them to do something, stop doing something. They'll tell me 'in a minute', then 'wait' then it'll descend to me raising my voice, then escalate further.

I have totally lost control.

I have had MH issues as well due to emotional trauma from my childhood when I was abused. I tried to give my DC the best of everything, be there for them, show them lots of love and affection, make them feel safe and valued.

This is my payback.

OP you sound like you have been a fabulous mum. I expect it is just a stage. But I really empathise

Looks like you have a DH in all of this. He needs to be really firm too. Agreed consequences from you both. Back each other up.

Take away the opportunity to piss you off.

I have teenagers too. They MUST take it in turns to clean the kitchen. They get no money at all if they don't, and furthermore, I will not cook or allow meals to be cooked in dirty kitchen. I don't buy snacks. They can buy their own snacks with the money I give them if they comply.

But you need, ideally, to start this shit young. Screaming and shouting at them like you have done recently doesn't make them want to help you or make you happy, and it's not only making YOU miserable and stressed, it will be making everyone miserable and stressed.

YOu don't get any respect from them, but then, you aren't giving them any respect.

It's far worse to live in a house with screaming and shouting and sparkling surfaces than a house with crumbs and affection.

YOu can be firm without "seeing red" "going mad".

And, I have to point out, your youngest kid is 7, and the rest are over 16, and you don't work outside the home. CAN you honestly say you're busier than your teenagers? I understand that they're messy, but are they really lazy?

It is simple to say tell them to live elsewhere but in practise it's not helpful (I know it's trying to be). We have no relatives to have one or other of them to stay even overnight to get a bit of distance. They can't afford to live alone. I'm not going to kick them out if there's no where for them to go.

It really wasn't supposed to be like this. At this age, I should be enjoying them right?

Just to add as well that youngest DS is much more biddable and cooperative than all of them put together!

You can't take the phones if they are over 18 but you can change the password and let them scream and shout. If they ever dare touch you call the police immediately.

Observation: shouting at them and losing your shit isn't influencing their behaviour. In fact, that ends up with you feeling shit and upset. As a once-teen I remember it just galvanises opposition.

Suggestion: have a house meeting and agree on some basic rules.

Ask them what you should be doing (i.e. they spell out your expectations as part of this deal: provide meals, clean clothes etc. Ask them to set out their expectations for living in this house (they may need help ).
E.g.
No games after x time.
No helping yourselves to food outside of mealtimes.
Whatever else gets your goat.

IME teenagers like to be consulted and included in decision making processes just like us adults do. It might mean you have to accept a couple of less than ideal things e.g. phones in bed or limited access to bedrooms.

The bottom line is: Who is the parent? Whose pays the bills for the kids? Who makes the decisions?

Don't call the police on teenagers, nothing wrecks a young person's life chances quicker than a police record.

There's still stuff you can do to regain control. Pull the fuses out of the fusebox if they won't get of their machines - but, be very sure that you're justified in asking them to do so. It's not reasonable to set a bedtime for people at college and university. It's not reasonable to drag them out of bed on a SUnday morning just because YOU'RE up. Where's the consideration there?

If you want respect you must provide an environment where it's easy to show respect to you. You losing your noodle over some crumbs on the surface is just ridiculous, you must know this?

They'll even ask why the 7 year old is not doing stuff, when they didn't do anything at his age!

This is your problem. You can't bring them up doing nothing then expect them to see stuff and recognise it needs doing just by themselves once they reach a certain age. Or to even tidy after themselves if you did everything for them growing up.

They can't get up in the morning Colditz. I have to go in and out of their rooms to get them up for a good half hour, even resorting to water pistols sometimes, then they have to rush like hell to get there, often late. If I left them downstairs after midnight they'd be up all night clattering around and arguing about some shit!

I stopped caring when the Uni one went to bed, when she finished compulsory education. I dare say I'll do the same for the others.

The crumbs all over the counters is about the lack of respect and care that I've cleaned, not so much about the actual crumbs. It would take them seconds to sweep them onto a plate and dispose which I have told them 20 million times!

I don't know how you can blame the oldest for screaming meltdowns when you do exactly the same thing. She's learned it from you. If you want her to unlearn it, you will need to change your own behaviour too.

No one gets to go on the PS4 until the house is tidy /whatever else you want done. No one screams at anyone or they lose the PS4 again (but of course, you can't scream at anyone anymore either).

Maybe refer yourself to CAMHS and ask for triple-P. It helps with teenager problems. I'd also recommend The Incredible Years book. The underlying principles of it are really important.

I think you have to step out of parent mode and into sharing a house mode.

Explain that you have spent enough happy years looking after them all, and that now you will be getting a job and that they are young adults able to take an equal share in running the home. List the tasks and get everyone to agree some house rules. You are no longer prepared to skivvy for them, instead you will be teaching them independence skills. Give them each a night to cook, for instance. Make sure your dh backs you up, presumably he has also had years of you running the house. Make it clear that you do not want to keep losing your shit, you want a fair division of labour, or for them to move out.

One thing I found helpful with my lazy ds was when I asked him to do something, I asked assertively and gave him a timescale - ie please would you wash up and clear the kitchen up before I come home with the shopping. Much more effective than demanding he stop what he was doing and clean the kitchen now! Then made a point of noticing on my return- thanks love, it's nice to come home to a clean kitchen, look I've got the crisps you asked for. (as opposed to really losing my shit when it isn't done).

Generally, asking them nicely, noticing the good things they do, reminding with a smile, consequences for deliberate non-co-operation and making sure that you only lose your shit occasionally works with teenagers as with toddlers. Watch your tone and attitude- passive aggressive angry nagging can be ignored much more easily than an authoritative direct request.