Constantly Losing My Shit With Teens - Abusive?

[IAintNoMaid]

I have 3 older DC aged 16 and above and 1 primary aged.

I am constantly losing it with the older 3 and don't know what to do to change it. I don't want their enduring memories of me, when they leave home, to be that I'm a raging fishwife!

They do nothing to help out unless I lose it.

Now at college and local Uni, they are at home at different times of the week and are always leaving mess for me to clean up. I clean in the AM and at least one of them will come behind me and make mess.

Today for eg, they are in bed til after lunchtime. I have called them up from 11 am onwards. I've cleaned kitchen of breakfast and lunch stuff for little DC, DH (who went to work) and I, hoovered, cleaned bathroom etc. I then go to shop and come back to dirty crockery on the side, crumbs all over counter and floor and I LOSE MY SHIT!

They were told before I went out to leave kitchen as they found it as they are everyday. They tell me to shut up as I'm irritating to them!

It's minor in the scheme of things but it's day in day out.

In the evenings DSs are on the PS 4 and are told to get off as we're going to bed. I won't let them stay downstairs as they're noisy (shouting at game) and will stay up until the early hours. I have to tell them at least 20 times to switch off PS4 while I'm waiting to go to bed so I end up LOSING MY SHIT. DD will sleep in the evenings then get up later on and make noise while we're in bed clattering around the kitchen leaving shit for me to clear up in the morning.

They have been brought up having a nightly shower/bath. I have to tell them constantly in the eve, go and get washed, they don't. Then at 1am they will run a bath, waking me up!

They have no respect so it's not as easy as being 'firm' with them. They will grapple with me if I try to take phones, shout and swear, stamp about etc. I turn off WiFi then all hell breaks loose until I put it back on.

They were not brought up like this (or maybe they must have been). I have been a SAHM since I had youngest DC so have always been around for them.

When I ask them to do something, they even say 'well what do nothing all day', etc. They will not take in that I'm not the bloody maid and they are old enough to pitch in. They'll even ask why the 7 year old is not doing stuff, when they didn't do anything at his age!

Its a horrible environment for my youngest and I feel terrible about myself shouting every day. DH is on my side and also loses it when he gets home from work and I tell him what they've done, said.

Am I supposed to just let it go and live in a shit tip or be their maid just to keep the peace. They piss me off so much I don't want to do anything for them!

Really worried I'm verging on being abusive as the slightest mess or refusal to do as I ask now is like a red rag to a bull (me).

Aaarrrgghhhh!

for you OP. Teenagers are bloody hard work! It's much easier to parent under 12's. I know exactly what you're going thru. I have 2 over 20's who have moved out and 2 teenagers still at home. The 2 at home drive me barmy! They are lazy, messy, expect to be waited on hand and foot, expect me to drop everything to run them to friends at very short notice (which I admit I do - just to have a few hours peace). Neither will take the initiative to clean up after themselves... DD has just cleaned her room after 3 months of me telling her she needs to clean it before she picks up some disease 🤢 She now expects a medal!

DS hasn't cleaned his room for - - years-- ages! I'm standing my ground and keeping the door shut! (I can't go in there, I'm scared of what I will find 😱).

You just have to pick your battles and look forward to them moving out - soon! (hopefully!)

yes, it would take them seconds too sweep up the crumbs. But they don't care about the crumbs, and you're being so mean that right now they don't care how YOU feel either. There is no motivation for them to do what you want.

You know your teenagers better than anyone here. You KNOW they don't give a shit about you screaming and being horrible to them. You have to find their currency, and use it. Positively.

Shouting can be abusive, but this doesn’t sound like it (unless involves you insulting or swearing?) Rules and boundaries are not cruel or abusive though, they are necessary for a good adult life.

I second others - bite your lip and stop shouting, but act act act all the time, with a clearly thought out consequence. ‘Gaming stops at x’. DH quietly and calmly removes the power cord (do not engage with verbal complaints; if there are physical scuffles give a further warning of a specific consequence that you will do)(If he is not in, failure to comply with the switch off times means you will remove the device or the wifi for the whole of the next day. ‘I’ll call you once for dinner, around 6’. (Maybe send the 7 yo to knock on their doors too). They don’t hear, it’s cold. At the same time, make time to do things as a family and up your warm communication with them. Point out they are being blatantly sexist and misogynist (including dd) in their lack of respect and treatment of you.

I agree with other posters. Sit them down and tell them the new rules.
Stop funding them.
Don't get them up in the morning.
Wi-Fi off at bedtime.
Stop being the cleaning lady for them. No washing of their clothes. No cooking unless they start doing chores and cleaning up.
Stop waiting on them hand and foot. And also stop shouting.

Read this

I understand. Our 2 ds's aren't quite as bad, but are inherently ungrateful and not that respectful.
Dh is stricter than I and wont tolerate it, st all, but it does involve regular threats. Of x box removal, or phone removal.
And occasionally we are forced to follow through.

And the having to make regular threats is just painful.

Im a single parent. This thread terrifies me.

Maybe send the 7 yo to knock on their doors too

Please don't do this. A 7-year-old should not have to police his older siblings.

Following this thread with interest.

When you lose it, you are allowing them to take control. They know they’ve got to you. You engage in argument which gives the opinion that their opinion on the matter is relevant.

You need to give them incentive by only allowing them privileges if they are doing what you want. WIFI off, PS4 locked away, cancel phone contracts, stop pocket money, refuse lifts. Just do whatever you can to make them uncomfortable.

The most important thing is to stand firm. No matter how much they cry or scream or tantrum just ride it out and do not give in for anything except doing exactly what you want.

For example the kitchen, that should have been: If that kitchen is not cleaned within five minutes the WiFi is going off and it’s staying off until the place is spotless.

The PS4, find out which fuse in the fuse box controls that part of the house and flip it off. Take the fuse out until morning if necessary.

Can you switch off the gas or make sure there is no warm water in night?

The only other thing I would say though, is that you would probably be a lot happier if you lowered your standards somewhat for the teen years. They don’t need to be told they have to shower every day now. They’re old enough to deal with the consequences if they’re smelly or at least shower in the morning. I do get the impression you might be quite house proud and don’t like any mess. If that’s the case, you might well find for the sake of your stress levels, learning to accept a little mess would do you good.

My husband is a shouter and I am an incentivised (eg if they want something they have to do what I want). I get better results.

Im a single parent. This thread terrifies me.

Ohio, I'm a single parent too. My DS is in his 20's now. When he comes home to stay for a while he "reverts" to teenage-ism.

I just leave his room as it is, and when he leaves again I just scoop his floordrobe into a bin bag(s). He can deal with it when he's run out of clean clothes to wear.

And just what does your DH do to support you and back you up?
My DH was bloody useless, primarily because his mother ran herself ragged until the day he left home!
Do just what smartiecake says, put on your flak jacket and ride it out. I'd turn wifi off at 9pm, have it on only from 9-9 and tell them it's reducing further everytime they kick off for a start.

What are rentals like in your area? I would be tempted to find them a 3 bed flat and sign on as guarantor, then rent their bedrooms to lodgers to cover the flat rent. They can stand on their own two feet and you would get a peaceful house.

I'm a single parent and can see our house going this way. My dc's said they don't want pocket money if it means they have to tidy and do chores .

Omg. Are you me. Totally lost my shit today! And I know it's not working

You wouldn’t do them any favours tidying up after them. They won’t learn to be independent.

I totally get where you are coming from Op - I have twin 17

megletthesecond could you hire a cleaner with their pocket money ?

"They'll even ask why the 7 year old is not doing stuff, when they didn't do anything at his age!"

Tbh that's probably where the problem started, it doesn't sound like they had age appropriate chores from childhood. I would try to fix that with the youngest.

They'll even ask why the 7 year old is not doing stuff, when they didn't do anything at his age!

I just wanted to pick up on this too. It's good to get into the habit of helping out early on.

I am one of four and we have always pitched in to help our mum with household stuff because it was just normal and part of being a member of a family.

I'm sure I have no idea what I'm talking about as my own DS is only 3, but even at this age I still get him helping out in age appropriate ways - eg, he takes his dirty dishes to the sink, he puts his dirty clothes in the laundry baskets, he tidies away his toys etc.

Oh x post

If mine had told me to shut up or grappled with me, they would have found themselves going airborne via the flat of my hand!

Cheshire I have been seriously considering doing just that . A fortnightly cleaner would be about the same as pocket money.

Oops - have twin 17 year olds one girl/ one boy.

It has got to the stage where I actually don’t bother anymore - I have recently gone through back surgery and on a 3 month recovery which has meant I have been able to do very little - I thought I might see some change in their behaviour but no!

I have been where you are asking for them to do basic chores asking more insistently, nagging ( their word) screaming shouting wrestling phone off - drawing up a list on fridge who does what - threatening to take away small pocket money etc - nothing and I mean nothing not even back surgery has made any significant difference.

I have been a SAHM too - did everything for them to make their lives easy - they had a long school day though so felt this was “right” - their DF has own business so long working hours too and so did most of domestic stuff - basically doing more so weekends were free for Family time - they weren’t Disrespectful kids - they both went to a school that has strong discipline ethic etc.

I am now divorced - went through extremely acrimonious divorce -4 years where I was treated appallingly by x - their DF - repercussions still ongoing. He basically has no respect for me - shafted me financially, will not communicate with me on anything, have been battling CMS for 18 months to get right level of maintenance off him - he’s recently reported me to police for harassment. At beginning of divorce I was so angry (affair) and would get to the point where I would shout at him because he basically blanked me.

I’m telling you this because basically my kids are treating me as he did - their male role model - he has absolutely no respect for me, has abused me ( and them) financially and emotionally, I got ripped off by solicitors and so the last 4 years have been a living hell. I’m trying what I can to rectify this but getting nowhere! Kids have lived through this!

I got fed up of shouting it made no difference, I got fed up of cooking for one or other to moan at the food I’d made or not be home as I was expecting, I got fed up of washing clothes only to find clean clothes all over floor with dirty clothes and then for all to get shoved in the wash basket when they “tidied” their room.

Due to back op I have not been able to drive - they both have jobs and would often get picked up by me - they’ve since had to resort to buses - we have a bus stop right outside the house - but a 30 min car journey can be 1 hr plus on bus - when I ask one to do something I get what is the other doing - it pisses me right off!

I have made a financial sacrifice to keep them both in the former family home - because their DF is a C&&t - they know this - the only way I can afford to buy anywhere is by moving 200 miles away - this is supposed to tie in with uni this year but finances have meant I will be moving by Feb/ Mar next year.

This means they will have to live with their DF full time - who probably does not want them full time but again will not answer any emails re this - they have been with him this weekend I have told them to discuss it.

I love my kids - the whole divorce from my perspective was fighting for them to keep what has been “intended” for them - but right now I do not like them - I feel I have gone through this for what? I too have MH issues which were taken advantage of by my X and by my legal representative - my story is documented on MN.

I never had kids to raise such ungrateful brats - but out of the home they are doing well. They have just returned home from x - they have had Xmas dinner today because he is now not seeing them TIL 8 jan - I don’t know the details or reasons why but this will come out over the next few days

Just to completely throw me my Ds has just made me a cup of tea - no prompting - most times they come in and I’m in bed - either due to MH or recently my back.

I have no interest in doing Xmas because I get no help - I have a tree up that I started to put lights on but they don’t work - that is it - normally I do full on decs with 3 trees and lots of homemade food - nothing this year - to feel unappreciated by your kids right now feels worse than the betrayal by the x - this is supposed to be a long term relationship and right now I don’t like them - the only way I feel they will realise what I have done for them is when I stop caring - and for me to get here means I have given my all.

My Dd is sitting on my bed - I know she is hurting but right now I’m hurting so much more.

Some have asked what your DH is like - I really hope he supports you but I fear not - I don’t know how to make this right so I can’t give you any advice but I hear you op and I believe you have done and meant right by your kids

last weekend I melted down and drove mine to my mothers house and left them there for 5 hours while I went and had some peace and quiet.
It was a Sunday and they couldn’t get home. It did seem to help as they didn’t have access to the house for a while and had to sit with an OAP all day instead of lying in bed
This morning I went into DD2’s room with a big black bin bag and threatened to throw everything away unless she got up and cleared up. When it was calmer I explained it’s for her own good as she can’t even find her school books

I feel your pain