Constantly Losing My Shit With Teens - Abusive?

[IAintNoMaid]

I have 3 older DC aged 16 and above and 1 primary aged.

I am constantly losing it with the older 3 and don't know what to do to change it. I don't want their enduring memories of me, when they leave home, to be that I'm a raging fishwife!

They do nothing to help out unless I lose it.

Now at college and local Uni, they are at home at different times of the week and are always leaving mess for me to clean up. I clean in the AM and at least one of them will come behind me and make mess.

Today for eg, they are in bed til after lunchtime. I have called them up from 11 am onwards. I've cleaned kitchen of breakfast and lunch stuff for little DC, DH (who went to work) and I, hoovered, cleaned bathroom etc. I then go to shop and come back to dirty crockery on the side, crumbs all over counter and floor and I LOSE MY SHIT!

They were told before I went out to leave kitchen as they found it as they are everyday. They tell me to shut up as I'm irritating to them!

It's minor in the scheme of things but it's day in day out.

In the evenings DSs are on the PS 4 and are told to get off as we're going to bed. I won't let them stay downstairs as they're noisy (shouting at game) and will stay up until the early hours. I have to tell them at least 20 times to switch off PS4 while I'm waiting to go to bed so I end up LOSING MY SHIT. DD will sleep in the evenings then get up later on and make noise while we're in bed clattering around the kitchen leaving shit for me to clear up in the morning.

They have been brought up having a nightly shower/bath. I have to tell them constantly in the eve, go and get washed, they don't. Then at 1am they will run a bath, waking me up!

They have no respect so it's not as easy as being 'firm' with them. They will grapple with me if I try to take phones, shout and swear, stamp about etc. I turn off WiFi then all hell breaks loose until I put it back on.

They were not brought up like this (or maybe they must have been). I have been a SAHM since I had youngest DC so have always been around for them.

When I ask them to do something, they even say 'well what do nothing all day', etc. They will not take in that I'm not the bloody maid and they are old enough to pitch in. They'll even ask why the 7 year old is not doing stuff, when they didn't do anything at his age!

Its a horrible environment for my youngest and I feel terrible about myself shouting every day. DH is on my side and also loses it when he gets home from work and I tell him what they've done, said.

Am I supposed to just let it go and live in a shit tip or be their maid just to keep the peace. They piss me off so much I don't want to do anything for them!

Really worried I'm verging on being abusive as the slightest mess or refusal to do as I ask now is like a red rag to a bull (me).

Aaarrrgghhhh!

Stop shouting and screaming.

Hold a family meeting. You and DH set out the new way. No free wifi, no pocket money, no anything for a month. Then they can earn it all back with ongoing respect for the home they live in and the other people Who live there too.

Any slips and it goes back to no pocket money, wifi or anything else.

Tell them that you will no longer shout or fight them-it's this way or the highway. And stop getting them up in the morning! Thwbhave phones therefore they have alarms! They need to take some responsibility for themselves and the current situation doesn't allow that at all.

Good luck-it'll be hard for a while.

Been there but I do think that the more you shout and nag, the more uncooperative and unreasonable they became. I gave up...to an extent. I just don't get all wind up as I used to on principle. I focus on the positives and il when I do I realise they are a lot of things to be happy and proud of, sadly being helpful around the house and tidy is not one of them.

It's worked to an extent. Can't say they are to the standard I'd like, and I still get the knives and pizza cutter left in the sink to wash, the crumbs on the cutting board and pans that needs to be redone but in the scale of things, it's not that bad.

I remind myself that there has to be something that will see me relieved when they move out :)

I think that sometimes shouting and screaming winds the shouter up as much as the ones being shouted at. It raises your adrenalin levels and your BP goes up, you get more stressed and then flip out more easily at the next aggravating incident.

That's why a calm, clear ultimatum is usually more effective, especially when combined with a system of sanctions and rewards.

I've also noticed that your DH is conspicuous by his absence from your posts. Does he back you up, or undermine you? You have to stand united on whatever steps you choose to take.

Do you know where the fuse box is? Nothing gets a teenager downstairs faster than their electronics suddenly turning off.

I would be tempted to go away for a week, just me the husband and the young kid, and leave the others to it. Just for them to get a taste of what it's like to have no one buying snacks for them, having no clean clothes or plates to eat off, falling over their own squalor for a few days. Oh, and I'd have changed the WiFi password on the way out the door too. 👌

Mmmm yeah screaming at them isn’t going to work. Neither is putting their dinner in the bin if they don’t come to eat it. They will just hate you for trying to force them to ‘behave’. They are asserting their independence and will resent all attempts to reign that in.

You are losing their respect because you are geetting so worked up about something they don’t care about (cleanliness, for example).

The problem is being created by clashing needs: 1. Their need for independence and 2. Your need for control. These are fundamentally incompatible unless you and they recognise the situation for what it is, and agree some compromises.

Adult conversation required. No emotion allowed! No talk of “but you should...” “I feel as though you...” “Why can’t you just...” “After all I do for you” - none of that whatsoever!!

It needs to be: “This isn’t working. I shout, I try to control you, and I know you don’t like that, quite understandably. You also leave a mess and wake me up, and you know that upsets me too, also understandably.”

Ask them:
What, from their point of view would make living under the same roof easier (it will probably be somethig like letting them sleep in, or chilling out about dirty dishes). You LISTEN to them. You RESPECT them. Take it ALL on board.
Then, do some negotiation, in the spirit of reaching a happy middle ground (not the spirit of let-me-show-you-why-I’m-right-and-you’re-unreasonable) Explain what is important to you and why. Ask if they understand your point of view and your concerns, especially about little DC. Reach some compromises:

e.g:
They can get up when they want and you won’t nag, but if they are in bed past 11.30 they are in charge of their own lunch because it’s not really on for you to be slaving away making their lunch which they lie in bed.

You won’t nag or shout about the dishes, but it’s also not fair to have a messy kitchen after you cleaned it. It’s not fair either that you do all the washing up. So, if plates are left uncleaned or crumbs left about then you will clean up, but to return the favour they will wash up all the crockery and wipe down all surfaces after dinner.

Try to find a fair middle ground together. ‘Fair’ is a key concept for kids and as long as you can reach an agreement on what is fair (it will involve compromise from your side too) then they can’t really argue when it comes to following through.

Stop shouting, start consequences-for them instead of you, for a change.