Constantly Losing My Shit With Teens - Abusive?

[IAintNoMaid]

I have 3 older DC aged 16 and above and 1 primary aged.

I am constantly losing it with the older 3 and don't know what to do to change it. I don't want their enduring memories of me, when they leave home, to be that I'm a raging fishwife!

They do nothing to help out unless I lose it.

Now at college and local Uni, they are at home at different times of the week and are always leaving mess for me to clean up. I clean in the AM and at least one of them will come behind me and make mess.

Today for eg, they are in bed til after lunchtime. I have called them up from 11 am onwards. I've cleaned kitchen of breakfast and lunch stuff for little DC, DH (who went to work) and I, hoovered, cleaned bathroom etc. I then go to shop and come back to dirty crockery on the side, crumbs all over counter and floor and I LOSE MY SHIT!

They were told before I went out to leave kitchen as they found it as they are everyday. They tell me to shut up as I'm irritating to them!

It's minor in the scheme of things but it's day in day out.

In the evenings DSs are on the PS 4 and are told to get off as we're going to bed. I won't let them stay downstairs as they're noisy (shouting at game) and will stay up until the early hours. I have to tell them at least 20 times to switch off PS4 while I'm waiting to go to bed so I end up LOSING MY SHIT. DD will sleep in the evenings then get up later on and make noise while we're in bed clattering around the kitchen leaving shit for me to clear up in the morning.

They have been brought up having a nightly shower/bath. I have to tell them constantly in the eve, go and get washed, they don't. Then at 1am they will run a bath, waking me up!

They have no respect so it's not as easy as being 'firm' with them. They will grapple with me if I try to take phones, shout and swear, stamp about etc. I turn off WiFi then all hell breaks loose until I put it back on.

They were not brought up like this (or maybe they must have been). I have been a SAHM since I had youngest DC so have always been around for them.

When I ask them to do something, they even say 'well what do nothing all day', etc. They will not take in that I'm not the bloody maid and they are old enough to pitch in. They'll even ask why the 7 year old is not doing stuff, when they didn't do anything at his age!

Its a horrible environment for my youngest and I feel terrible about myself shouting every day. DH is on my side and also loses it when he gets home from work and I tell him what they've done, said.

Am I supposed to just let it go and live in a shit tip or be their maid just to keep the peace. They piss me off so much I don't want to do anything for them!

Really worried I'm verging on being abusive as the slightest mess or refusal to do as I ask now is like a red rag to a bull (me).

Aaarrrgghhhh!

megletthesecond If you keep it up a couple of months of no spending money, it might become a lot more appealing to do some chores.

Colour coded plates help so that it is clear who hasn't tidied up after their last meal. Two for each colour- one in the dishwasher and one for food. When they run out then no more food until they clean their plates. They have a set day to do their laundry. Forget and they are off to laundrette or have dirty clothes. Don't wake up - late for school, just once or twice in detention should focus them.

Peace will reign until I ask them to do something, stop doing something. They'll tell me 'in a minute', then 'wait' then it'll descend to me raising my voice

Don’t raise your voice, tell them, give them a timescale and let them get on with it.

I know I don’t always stop what I’m doing immediately and respond to my child’s request, they often need to wait until I finish whatever I’m doing. I don’t expect them to stop immediately either but I do expect them to do what I’ve asked by whenever.

I’d also furnish each of them with an alarm clock and let them sort themselves out in the morning. They’ll soon realise there are consequences for not being at school, college, uni more significant than mum loosing her shit. Natural consequences- so if laundry isn’t brought down, it won’t get done and they won’t have clean clothes. If the kitchen isn’t clean you can’t cook so no meals prepared for them. If the toilet isn’t flushed, it’ll be dirty for the next person who will presumably take issue with the lazy arse who doesn’t flush.

I’d also make them earn WiFi and phone contracts by doing particular tasks that would be helpful to you.

Worst comes to it, take yourself and your youngest away to stay with friends for a few days and let them sort themselves out.

Tbh, I wonder if my DM felt like this about us when we were teens. We were pretty lazy and untidy, we probably drove her mad. We all have a very close relationship now, but our houses are a lot less clean and tidy than DM’s. Now we all live separately, that’s fine. The average university student is pretty untidy and keeps strange hours. But usually they have their own space a lot of the time. It must actually be quite difficult for the 20 year-old to be stuck in that child role when they should be developing their own way of living.

IaintNoMaid you've posted this when you're pissed off and tired. But I read your thread with interest as your post sounded vaguely familiar...

One question though - I don't see why you are shouting at them to have a shower/bath at night. At their age they really can decide! Also why are you waking them up still? Let them get themselves out of bed surely. If they're late for college thats their problem, not yours!!!
However, in the sense they are supported at home they need to observe some basic courtesies, e.g. not waking you up at night, doing chores.

I'd just draw up some rules, about bed times, ps4s, and chores. If they don't observe it, consequences. Once its decided, stick to it like glue!

(And final consequences, they may, in fact, need to leave home if its affecting your health ....)

I meant vaguely familiar because I've had to deal with some of this awful behaviour.

I haven’t rtft but i think you need to pick your battles. Screaming at over 16s to get up in the morning, go to bed and to have a bath (I mean really!!!). I was a teenager not too long ago and I would’ve completely ignored my mum if she’d told me to have a bath! Plus all I did was eat, sleep and play computer games when I wasn’t at college/uni. It’s really not unusual behaviour.

Your constant yelling can’t be good for your younger one. Sounds like a pretty miserable household to live in.

I'm in my early 20s, living with dp, and db is is in teens and still at home with mum. Same issue, no respect etc. Its all still fresh for me and my best advice is just to really sit back and stop, no cleaning no cooking no washing no shopping (only for you and dh, they can find their own), all of it. Let them get on and bloody good luck to them!

They won't appreciate what you really do for them until they're older (speaking from not so long ago exp) so get them to pull their weight. Cheeky fuckers for telling you to get a job! Honestly, you and dh club together and do fuck all, yes you'll live in filth for a couple of weeks but ask them after if they'd like you to resume your duties, if they'd like to also contribute. As for the ps4, take the cable!! Tell dh to step in and bollock em

Nothisispatrick

It’s pretty miserable when you have tidied up for the evening gone to bed only to get up and find that Ds has been in the kitchen cooking and not tidied up after himself - so crumbs on the worksurface plates in sink if your lucky or left wherever - and this is if you’ve managed to get a full nights sleep and not been woken by the clanging of pans or the smell of burnt toast!

Op also says she has MH problems - I do too - this affects my sleep on its own - sometimes being awake between 3 & 5 am - getting up feeling shite and then facing a kitchen bombsite is not good and I don’t have a 7 year old to contend with - a few times you can just about tolerate but when it’s happening more or less every day and she has 3 kids doing this it’s hard bloody work

greenberet

Sounds pretty standard for living with children or terangers. I can’t get myself in a state over a dirty plate or some crumbs.

Do you have teens yourself nothisispatrick?

Personally, a few crumbs wouldn't bother me. Not having a bath , wouldn't bother me.

But the rest would.

Yes, less shouting and more consequences for them is the way to go.

your not alone does that help?
two in this household did every single(I mean every single) things you've said.and I cant honestly say they are two of the most beautiful people I have ever know now.26 and 32.so is it just the age.can it change will it change.who knows.there are deff things you can do to make it so.but don't exert yourself with worry over it.its a mixture of age and them so work on what you can.
also have you ever sat down and talked to them.like adults.not as a friend but nor just a ruling parents but sitting with them and letting them see your struggled and vunerabliltiy.this mae a major change here.when they were told of how hard mum was finding it and how she needed there help.she needed them to start listening because she wasn't coping. and the the consequences of not doing it would be coming into place.that they are loved and cherished but this wont be able to go on because otherwise their mum wouldn't.
no one wants to be a mean nag but you cant not keep telling them if thy aren't doing it!
placid face.turn the wifi off.placid face.let them scream.sit.still.let them give it.but you are centred.they wil stop.they will rage but they will stop.otherwsie you get angrier then they do and its like building blocks of rage.if you sit as still as possible there is nothing for them to build on.
also would there be anything to do that is not brattish teenage and mum issue.as in together.as in conversations or things to do so thatur seeing eacohtoet outside or ruling the house mode.and again being teenagers this will be rare but take it when you can .

buy the tea.so mince jar of dolmio.carrot onion.rice or pasta.leave it on the top.whatsapp or text them a photo round robin style."this is tea.im not cooking tonight sorry.could you help and do it.thanks."
worked here. and they were bloody good cooks I nthe end.
or picture of a tenner "haven't been able to get tea.ur on it tonight folks!" they will moan but lthere current behaviour are ingrained.it will give.

" I can’t get myself in a state over a dirty plate or some crumbs"

That's nice for you. The OP, however, would prefer to live in a clean home with people who don't take the piss.

They need consequences not yelling if they are to continue at home with you OP. Family meeting time and chores rota. If they won't shape up, they need to go and find a shared house or bedsit somewhere.

I feel your pain op. The kitchen scenario is the same at our house.

Haven't read the thread but if they are over 16 you need to stop doing what you are doing. If they want to sleep to 3pm, not shower and play video games, let them. Don't give them any money, don't buy them any treats, don't drive them anywhere. Just let them fend for themselves. Sooner or later they will drag themselves out but they need to do it by themselves. They won't respect mummy doing it for them.
They are too old to be telling them to go to bed at 11pm or taking their phones away. If they are over 16 you need to give them respect to get respect. They need to sort their own shit out.

Don’t wash their stuff, don’t call them for dinner , don’t give them money .. literally do fuck all for them .
Ungrateful brats.
I have been there , I have a dd of 7 and a son of 18. He’s now gone off to uni so is back now for Christmas .
Once he hit 18 he was much more respectful and helpful thank god!

I get the impression you just wanted to have a moan, rather than change anything, as your only responses have failed to take on board any of the advice people have given you.

You're treating them like children, so they're acting like children. Why the fuck are you squirting them with water pistols to get them up in the morning, and regulating when they shower? Step back - stop doing everything for them, lay down some sensible ground rules about the stuff that really matters, stop trying to police the stuff that doesn't matter, and hold firm.

Hi OP I have just seen your update where you mention your emotional trauma as a child. I think perhaps you are overreacting to teenage behaviour as it brings up feelings of your needs being ignored, of people seeming not to care about you or consider you when you are a child. It is very common for a person to try to "fix" their own childhood issues by becoming the perfect mother and give all the nurturing they missed out on to someone else. The problem is that the stakes then become so high the caregiver becomes very upset in response to normal childhood/teenage defiance, selfishness etc. I would recommend you get some therapy to explore your own childhood and start prioritising your own mental wellbeing. Good luck.

I was very sorry to read greenberet post.

I feel similarly. Had a couple of major issues in the last few years.
My Dh is great. But he's had major surgery recently. I spoke to ds's about needing their help.

It's actually quite soul destroying. I've put a lot of care, love, thought, time and effort into being a mum. I have found it difficult to come to terms with their 'what appears to be' lack of love, care and respect.

Call a family meeting. Calmly with your dh too and gently advise them that if they wish to be treated as adults then that is fine. You will no longer do their washing or cook meals. Provide lifts or money. Also as they are so grown up they can forget about free living and pay towards some rent. So they best go get a job like all other adults .

Then DO NOT wash up or do their washing. Let then come to the kitchen with no clean....anything.

Don't wash their clothes. If they run out...dont do anything.

Don't change the Wi-Fi. Let them stay up all night and then they can be late for school, uni etc. They are adults now so can manage their time.... Don't wake them up for anything they may be late for.

They have to learn the hard way

Though obviously the kids should clean up their own mess, they are actually still in full-time education whilst the Op is at home all day so I don't think it is unreasonable to expect her to cook the meals and wash their clothes

We had 3 older teens and a 3/4 year old at the same time.

When l think back it was chaos but:

We would remove the router and take it to bed with us.
Turn the hot water off at 10pm.
They were all housed in an attic so some distance away.
They were expected to make their own tea 2-3 times a week
Mess in bedroom was ignored. It was their shit so they could live in it.
Crumbs and dishes was a never ending battle.

We would call them once, then they had to get themselves up.