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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I GENUINELY dont know if i am or not....

131 replies

Penninepain · 16/12/2018 15:44

This story could take a year to tell, so keeping it short.

Relative was in Carol Concert last night.
We live very, very rurally. 2.5 miles to B road ( after getting down half mile ungritted driveway).
We had said we were going, but had freezing rain and snow last night, so rang and let them know we could not get there.

To say we have been fucked over by not going is an understatement.

However, despite the Huuuuuge background, i want to ask a simple question:

AIBU not to risk life and limb to attend a carol concert 26 miles away when i am:
A. Snowed in and iced over
B. To fecking old to drive in shite weather

This person is exceptionally pissed off. I thought we were being sensible. What think you?

OP posts:

WilburforceRaven · 16/12/2018 17:50

if you're a capable confident driver and are sensible it's fine.

No, it's not, because you don't own the road and no matter how capable and confident a driver you are you will be sharing the road in dangerous conditions with utter arseholes who are driving like bellends and even more at risk at causing an accident.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 16/12/2018 17:50

OP, I wish you a very happy 2019. Make it the year you set boundaries around these toxic people. Stop doing stuff out of guilt. Concentrate on your own family who love you not these miserable sods.

I'm sorry about your mother, I'm sure it has affected your self esteem. It might be something you have to deal with for your own sanity.

I would be tempted to use this situation to engineer an epic fall out with the lot of them (but fair play if you're not wanting to do that). I'd be telling them that the weather really did prevent you from driving but if they think so little of you maybe you really can't be arsed anymore, and Christmas for SF will be alone in his flat.

CowesTwo · 16/12/2018 17:52

I also know what it's like to live rurally and have to drive for a while to reach a B road. Last night (despite my name, I'm not on the IoW) we had a heavy fall of snow, but the nearest town ten miles away only had rain. Our drive was impassable this morning, and friends in town were amazed I was stuck and not able to meet up. It seems you are the only one who feels sorry that he is alone on Christmas when his own children don't bother.

morningconstitutional2017 · 16/12/2018 17:54

Oh dear Pennine you say he enjoys stoking the flames and this reminds me of my late father. Sadly he was a shit-stirrer supreme who made his entire family unhappy. Nothing was ever good enough for him and we didn't have the courage to tell him where to get off. I suspect that somehow we knew that inside every bully is a coward and we couldn't bear to make a (supposedly) grown man cry. You have my heartfelt sympathy. You sound saintly putting up with the old git at Christmas. Could you make different arrangements next year, or would that be impossible?

DistanceCall · 16/12/2018 17:55

And then i think of him sitting alone and lonely.

You said it yourself. One of his children invites him to come over for Christmas, and he refuses. He CHOOSES to be alone and lonely.

You had an abusive mother. This man was devoted to her, for whatever reasons.

This has nothing to do with you. He and his family have nothing to do with you. Stop it, for your own sake and that of your family.

isseywithcats · 16/12/2018 17:58

YANBU we had to go out last night as it was my daughters 40th birthday party at one point we couldnt even get 8 feet from the front door tothe car luckily by the time we had to go it had strated proper raining so we managed to slide to the car and go, but the main road is 500 yards from our house down a hill so we took it really slowly, but 2.5 miles to a main road theres no way we would have made it that far in sheet ice, the car had a two inch layer of ice on top took my other half ten minutes just to find the windows with a scraper

Jux · 16/12/2018 18:02

You really don't need this sort of nonsense in your life.

knittedmouse · 16/12/2018 18:04

Take this as an opportunity to ditch him or you'll be the one stuck looking after him when he's elderly.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2018 18:15

First up, YWNBU in the slightest to cancel going to the Carol Concert. 26 miles when there's an amber weather alert is a ridiculous idea.

Secondly, your step family. You don't care about your stepsister. You care about your stepbrother and seem to overlook his shit-stirring on that basis. The only good thing you can say about your stepfather is that he was devoted to your mother; but given what your mother was, I really wouldn't call that a recommendation.

In short - the only reason you have to be in any sort of contact with these awful people is that you have been groomed by these fuckers to feel guilt if you don't.

I think I'd follow the advice of pallisers and DishingOutDone.

pallisers : "I would be tempted to send a fairly icy text to your stepbrother saying "I made the decision not to go to the carol concert based on icy conditions where I live - not based on the rain where you live. As you know, your dad is coming to me for the entire christmas period as usual. I don't appreciate being told I don't make an effort" "

DishingOutDone :"I think people are getting cross because you are enabling him to continue disrespecting you and abusing you as your mother did. That's shocking. You need to have a sit down at the end of the bed moment on 31st December and decide that you don't want to live like this any more. Walk away from these people. They are never going to get it or be sorry or be kind."

I wouldn't even keep in touch with your stepbrother, he might be more subtle in his abuse than your stepfather but his shit-stirring is still abuse. And yes, "your need for counselling screams out from the page." These people have scapegoated you for years, and your bloody mother - nobody can take that without damage. But you need to remove yourself from their poison. You don't owe them one second of your time or one iota of your kindness. Reserve your time and kindness for those who deserve them, and keep your distance from this trio.

woolduvet · 16/12/2018 18:15

As you said he didn't see the weather near you.
Don't underestimate their behaviour to you, that's fucking awful.
If he was complicit in it, then I really would be encouraging you to back away and breathe freely.
May 2019 give you a better year.
(Hope it's icy all over Christmas Eve so you can message that you won't be able to get him...)

Pastorkidneys · 16/12/2018 18:30

I get you OP, same here, years of cack!
A Youtuber called Melanie Tonia Evans helped me through a bad patch. Helped me to make sense of the guilt. (She goes on a bit though)
Concentrate on you and your family and have a lovely Christmas, all the best

staffiegirl · 16/12/2018 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crunchymum · 16/12/2018 19:50

Here's hoping for some shit weather over Xmas OP, so you can't get to this man to collect him.

He sounds draining. You sound very obligated. It's a dreadful relationship to be in!!

daisychain01 · 16/12/2018 20:37

You and everyone you know are going to be dead soon.

And in the short amount of time between here and there, you have a limited amount of fucks to give. Very few, in fact. And if you go around giving a fuck about everything and everyone without conscious thought or choice – well, then you’re going to get fucked.

The immortal words of Mark Manson.

He says we have to give a fuck some of the time, but you need to be selective.

On this occasion,give yourself permission to.not.give.a.fuck about what others think of you.

They'll get over it.

Jux · 16/12/2018 22:05

Oh love, you really don't have to spend the rest of your life hoping to please people who are determined not to be pleased by you. You know that nothing you do will ever be enough, and even if it were it wouldn't change the fact that your mother was awul to you.

I can see that, for you, it is too late rarrange Christmas this year (actually, it isn't there's plenty of time yet for plans to change and your horrid step-parent to arrange to go with his son), but do distance yourself from henceforth and make sure he doesn't come next year. Get that nasty toxic presence out of your life altogether.

His son sounds as bad as he is; you say you love him but are you sure that's not just a different face of your need to please?

jessstan2 · 21/12/2018 10:19

So sorry they are being bloody unreasonable and uncaring towards you. True colours! You'll emerge from this stronger. Now for :.

3timeslucky · 21/12/2018 10:23

YANBU. He is.

Easier said that done but just let it wash over you. There's no benefit to trying to convince him or justify your decision. Or go into repeat mode "The roads here were dangerously icy" and repeat ad nauseum.

You made the right call.

If your step-brother is stoking this then he's being a dick. And I'd speak to him separately and let him know that he is not helping and that you are upset by him giving fuel to your step-father's unfairness. You can still love him and call him out by asking him why he's being a dick about this.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/12/2018 10:26

I don't think you are being over dramatic at all. I think you're reacting against an unreasonable response to a reasonable decision. I would use this event to re-evaluate my contact with this part of your family as I think it's unfair on your children to involve them with adults who clearly don't care for them. Do you want them to feel obligated to look after people who neglect or don't care for them in the future?

GabsAlot · 21/12/2018 10:28

ar eu still having him over-like another pp said cut the visit down take him home earlier-then dont bother anymore youre trying to please someone who doesnt give a crap

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/12/2018 10:30

I think you should cancel Christmas with this toxic man, save yourself the trouble, God forbid you have the same weather you experienced on the night of the carol concert. you'll be stuck with him !
OP, you sound so lovely, you really don't need to do any of this fetching, carrying and entertaining lark, especially for this misery guts.
Please, for once in your life Sweet, put yourself first, you'll have a much better time alone.
Sending love, and wishing you a happy and peaceful Christmas.🎄

SillyLittleBiscuit · 21/12/2018 10:35

Let him be angry. So what? I'd send him a photo of the roads/snow along with a message saying you understand that he won't want to come to yours for Christmas as you've let him down so much and you'll maybe see him next year. Then be happy.

DeeStopia · 21/12/2018 10:38

You will spend your life trying to please and care for this man who doesn't like or respect you. You owe him nothing (the sixth form psychologist in me says you've probably transferred your need to please your mum to him- neither will ever give you the love, respect and kindness you deserve.) You are a nice woman, a good woman, but that doesn't mean you have to be everyone's saviour. (It took me years to grasp this so )

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2018 10:42

YANBU

What WhereYouLeftIt on Sunday 16-Dec-18 at 18:15:36 in its entirety.

People pleasing like you have been conditioned to do has really done you no favours at all, this behaviour has simply allowed you to remain further crapped over. Your late mother and this man were both out of the same rotten mould.

I would further suggest you read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

NonaGrey · 21/12/2018 10:45

Step brother and step sister are disappointed that i did not make n effort to get there

The same SS and SB who never have their father at Christmas?

You are about to host their father for Christmas but they are annoyed with you about a concert?

I keep saying this on threads:

Nice does not equal doormat.

You need to start standing up for yourself to these people.

That doesn’t mean shouting or being angry it just means calmly and politely enforcing health boundaries.

So for SS:

“It was unfortunate I couldn’t make it but I am hosting him for Christmas as I do every year in addition to all the regular things I do for him. You aren’t here, you didn’t choose to attend. I won’t accept criticism from you as I’m doing my best”

For SB:

“It was unfortunate I couldn’t make it but let’s not blow this out of proportion. You were there he wasn’t unsupported and alone. I’m hosting him over Christmas as I do every year so any suggestion that I’m not doing my bit is ridiculous.*

For your SD

“I’m sorry the weather stopped me attending, it was unfortunate but that’s life you have to accept that these things happen. It’s nice that SB was there to watch after all you aren’t seeing him at Christmas. Do you still want to come for Christmas?”

You couldn’t come, it’s disappointing. Their response isnt proportionate though. Stop reacting to them as if it was.

UpsideDownAndRoundTheBend · 21/12/2018 10:49

I'm not sure 'being fucked over' is the right expression in this context! (slightly misses the point)

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