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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I GENUINELY dont know if i am or not....

131 replies

Penninepain · 16/12/2018 15:44

This story could take a year to tell, so keeping it short.

Relative was in Carol Concert last night.
We live very, very rurally. 2.5 miles to B road ( after getting down half mile ungritted driveway).
We had said we were going, but had freezing rain and snow last night, so rang and let them know we could not get there.

To say we have been fucked over by not going is an understatement.

However, despite the Huuuuuge background, i want to ask a simple question:

AIBU not to risk life and limb to attend a carol concert 26 miles away when i am:
A. Snowed in and iced over
B. To fecking old to drive in shite weather

This person is exceptionally pissed off. I thought we were being sensible. What think you?

OP posts:
krustykittens · 16/12/2018 16:37

I wouldn't have driven anywhere last nigh (we had freezing rain that turned to sleet), we also live very rurally, with a long drive to get to a main road. This morning was even worse with black ice every where! OP, let go of your guilt, tell them all to fuck off and tell your stepdad he can go and spend Christmas with his own kids, seeing as you so obviously don't care about him! Also, wot category said.

TatianaLarina · 16/12/2018 16:40

“Obviously as you’re so disappointed with me you will want to spend Christmas with your son. Byee”

You’re not a blood relation of this ghastly man, let his biological children deal with him.

blackteasplease · 16/12/2018 16:40

Don't invite them for Xmas if they are going to be twats.

blackteasplease · 16/12/2018 16:40

“Obviously as you’re so disappointed with me you will want to spend Christmas with your son. Byee”

This exactly.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 16/12/2018 16:44

Why oh why are you even contemplating having this man over for Christmas? If he thinks your stepbrother is so wonderful he should spend it with him. Why are you the only one doing the caring and the only one picking up the flack? It'll only get worse - now is the time to step back.

And obviously now you can't be trusted to collect him for Christmas, he needs to make alternative plans.

SlowlyShrinking · 16/12/2018 16:49

26 miles is a long way to go to a carol concert for someone you like, never mind for your arsehole stepfather who talks about you behind your back

Weezol · 16/12/2018 16:49

Why are you having someone you don’t like at your house for Xmas?

Screw that, he’s got children of his own who have actually invited him to their houses but he CHOOSES not to go - so if he’s alone it’s through choice.

This is a golden opportunity to cut ties with him. You owe him nothing, you don't even like him (understandably) so stop martyring yourself. Just stop.

The80sweregreat · 16/12/2018 16:50

Your not being Unreasonable at all.
I would rather people were safe than try to get somewhere that isn't that important. It's different if it's for work or you had to take someone to hospital or something on those lines , but for a carol concert ? Better safe than sorry s d the weather was horrendous.
People do get upset about the most silly of things.
I sense a big back story here (?) but I don't think you were unreasonable to not attend.
Always next year.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 16/12/2018 16:51

I can certainly see why you're upset. It's incredibly frustrating to be the dependable one, the one expected to do more and actually does, meaning others are 'off the hook' yet then you experience this kind of overreaction when something goes wrong.

I don't think you're being a drama llama at all but people who don't have experience of this kind of crap don't grasp that the upset isn't just because of this one incident, rather it's because this incident is indicative of the relationship/s. That's why you end up full of impotent rage about something that, to others, wasn't anything to get worked up about!

However Op only you can decide whether to put up with this or put an end to it. He's not your father, you don't even like him (and frankly it doesn't seem he's too pushed about you and yours) so maybe you need to set aside your misplaced guilt and obligation and make some changes. So what if he or your steps think badly of you? It seems they like to anyway given half an opportunity so make their Christmas by telling them all to fuck off! What's the worst that could happen Wink?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 16/12/2018 16:51

“Stepdad, I’ve been having a think about just how upset you were when we couldn’t make it to the carol service due to the bad weather. I’d hate to ruin your Christmas too, so I think it would make more sense for you to take up Step-brother’s offer instead - that way you’re not reliant on rural roads and weather for us to get to you. Have a great Christmas. See you next year... maybe.”

Job done.

You really don’t owe him anything Flowers

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 16:53

It is opinions like this:
CaroloftheBalls

The way you over-exaggerate “being fucked over” makes me wonder if you have known form in your family for over-exaggeration and that’s why they don’t think this apocalyptic icy rain was in fact so terrible.

It’s ok to change your mind and decide you don’t want to go somewhere. You don’t need to make such a huge drama out of everything.
That make it so difficult, because this is what i think THEY THINK 🤣🤣🤣

No Carol, i am the most reliable person you could wish to meet.
I get that it sounds like I am a drama llama ( though suprised tbh).

I think i was just trying to guage whether I was being outrageous in not at least attempting to get there, or whether they were expecting too much.

I thought I was right not to go (but then, we wll think we must be right), and i AM upset, which, i agree is rather pathetic. If they dont believe me, fair enough, but i want to stamp my feet and scream 'it isnt fair' 😂😂😂

Ah, sod it. I am clearly a drama queen. Will try to hand myself a grip 😉

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 16/12/2018 16:54

Well, stop it. You don't like him, and it doesn't sound like he or your step-siblings like you that much either.

Fuck guilt. You don't have to put up with this shit.

ChesterGreySideboard · 16/12/2018 16:56

If he gave a shit about you then he’d much rather you stayed safe than going to see him.

Don’t have him for Christmas, you’ll feel much happier.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/12/2018 16:56

I still don't know what "fucked over" means. What will the consequences be for you?

pallisers · 16/12/2018 16:59

no idea why you are getting such a hard time.

You cancelled going to a carol concert because the weather was too awful and now your family are bitching and moaning about you and you are angry - don't blame you.

I would be tempted to send a fairly icy text to your stepbrother saying "I made the decision not to go to the carol concert based on icy conditions where I live - not based on the rain where you live. As you know, your dad is coming to me for the entire christmas period as usual. I don't appreciate being told I don't make an effort"

Your only mistake was incorrect use of the word "fucked over" which usually means someone has done something mean to you. You meant "fucked out of it" which means given a bollocking.

Well that and posting in AIBU where everyone wants to have a go at someone and since your step father and step brother didn't post, they are stuck with you. And they doing love telling everyone that they are drama queens.

Rudgie47 · 16/12/2018 17:00

The whole thing is silly, of course YANBU, even if it wasn't bad weather, who on earth would want to sit through that on a Saturday night? No one. Hes not even a relative now.
I'd tell him that he needs to be making alternative arrangement now for Xmas as well. His own children need to be stepping up, not you.

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 17:00

Cross ppsted with last few posts - thank you! It is nice to know that someone understands😁
Tbh, i could not cancel him for coming over Xmas, but if he threw a wobbly and said he was not coming, i would not try too hard to persuade him.....

And for the raised eyes at it would take a year to tell the whole story, it would take a lot of time, and many posters would just ask why my dead mother not giving a shit about me was relevan to this partucular post. It is, but the answer would be the same.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/12/2018 17:05

The advice was not travel if you were affected so you were completely sensible to not risk it.

Stop putting yourself out for a "parent" that doesn't care about you or your DC.

It's sounds like you are doing the pick me dance but your name will always be mud...

Let your step siblings crack on with looking after the miserable unkind git.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/12/2018 17:05

Don’t worry about the terminology you used, OP, most of us get what you meant.

You know YWNBU to cancel in your particular circumstances. They can speculate all they like, you were the one facing the journey. They are making the drama, not you. Just because they have the time and inclination to make something out of nothing doesn’t mean you have to get drawn in.

Honestly, shoulders back, head up, move on.

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 17:07

@pallisers thank you ! You understand perfectly.

@BitOutOfPractice, i said on page 2 that I had obviously used the term incorrectly. Sorry. I suppose i meant that everyone in my family was giving me a fucking awful time over........
I just used the wrong term and have already acknowledged that. Could you all not understand what i meant though?

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 16/12/2018 17:09

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Even if someone said, I just don’t want to come I would be ok. Unless I had been left on my own.
It’s annoying. But they seem like the drama llamas not you
I would not have him for Xmas, but then in real life I probably would. And I would probably apologise. But then I am perinially British. Shock

PolkaDoting · 16/12/2018 17:09

‘Fucked over’ implies that inheritances were dished out and you missed out cos you weren’t there. That’s why people are being a bit PA to you, they’re disappointed with the lack of thread drama.

category12 · 16/12/2018 17:09

Are you stuck in a psychological trap of trying to please an unpleasable (and dead) parent?

HollowTalk · 16/12/2018 17:09

Stop taking care of this man. He's horrible to you and is completely selfish. Time to put yourself first for a change. His kids will be laughing at you putting yourself out for their dad.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/12/2018 17:09

Sorry I must’ve missed that. I thought it meant you’d been written out of the will or done down in some way