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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I GENUINELY dont know if i am or not....

131 replies

Penninepain · 16/12/2018 15:44

This story could take a year to tell, so keeping it short.

Relative was in Carol Concert last night.
We live very, very rurally. 2.5 miles to B road ( after getting down half mile ungritted driveway).
We had said we were going, but had freezing rain and snow last night, so rang and let them know we could not get there.

To say we have been fucked over by not going is an understatement.

However, despite the Huuuuuge background, i want to ask a simple question:

AIBU not to risk life and limb to attend a carol concert 26 miles away when i am:
A. Snowed in and iced over
B. To fecking old to drive in shite weather

This person is exceptionally pissed off. I thought we were being sensible. What think you?

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 16/12/2018 17:10

I do think it’s strange that none of his actual real life kids don’t spend Xmas with him.

pallisers · 16/12/2018 17:11

Could you all not understand what i meant though?

Of course they could.

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 17:11

Thanks to everyone. Whether you think i am a drama queen or not, gives me pause for thought.

I wont withdraw the invitation. It is too late and i would hate to think of anyone sad and loely at Xmas.

However, that will be the end of it. Think its time to accept that i will never be a part of that family, merely a useful addition.

I will be honest and say that I wont miss the hassle, and will probably enjoy the freedom from gulit....... probably😂

OP posts:
Postino · 16/12/2018 17:11

I'd take this over to Relationships if I was you OP.

Sounds like you've been black-sheeped/scapegoated by these wankers.

Flowers
category12 · 16/12/2018 17:15

many posters would just ask why my dead mother not giving a shit about me was relevan to this partucular post.

Personally I think it's very relevant - sounds like that dynamic continuing to play out in the devoted widower and his dc against you. Try the "stately homes" thread in relationships sometime.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/12/2018 17:16

Don’t put yourself out any more for the ungrateful, miserable sod. Just be done with him.

Iloveautumnleaves · 16/12/2018 17:16

Right my friend. You need 🍷 and a good talking to!

YOU have children & grandchildren he doesn’t give a shit about.

HE has children ‘of his own’ (to use your words).

STOP - let them all bloody crack on with it and focus on your children & grandchildren and your own life.

He’s a selfish twat that you don’t like. You have NO obligation to him. You have done enough.

You CAN tell him you aren’t collecting him fir Christmas and he can CHOOSE whether to spend it with his own children or by himself. His choice and not your problem.

Why should you have him at yours and why should you risk doing all that driving over Christmas for someone who accuses you of lying and wouldn’t do jack shit for you!?

Come on, you’re old enough to just tell him NO.

ChesterGreySideboard · 16/12/2018 17:21

I would hate to think of anyone sad and loely at Xmas.

Even someone who didn’t care that you weren’t prepared to risk life and limb for him?

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 17:22

category12 no, dont think so.
My mum neglected me throughput my childhood. For 4 years until her death, i drove 52 miles 4 times a week to look after her. She was only ever intersted in my step brother and sister, and their children. She told me, straight to my face that she wished I had died and my sister had lived ( she had downs syndrome and died at 3 years old with leukemia).
When she died and i cleared out her belongings, i found every birthday and Christmas present i had given her for the past 6 years unopened, shoved in the bottom of a wardrobe.

No doubt a psychiatrist could have a whale of a time with me 😁

I am a people pleaser or clearly not in this case an obviously jeed to make some changes. But then I feel selfish. And then i think of him sitting alone and lonely.

Ah....bollocks!

OP posts:
shoofly · 16/12/2018 17:24

Honestly, it really sounds as if they are not worth your time or emotional energy. Unfortunately you can't change them, you can only change their reaction to them. If you can get past the guilt and disengage, you'll be happier. Hope you have a good Christmas.

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 17:25

Thanks to everyone who has posted - much appreciated flowers

OP posts:
category12 · 16/12/2018 17:25

Really? Don't you see the exact same dynamic in you running round after your stepdad who doesn't give a much of a shit about you and yours? Confused

Karwomannghia · 16/12/2018 17:27

YANBU at all. I’m singing in a concert on sat and no one is coming. Well not for me anyway! They’re being ridiculous.

RandomMess · 16/12/2018 17:27

@Penninepain you need some therapy- seriously it is the same dynamic with the rest of them, you are the scapegoat that will never be good enough.

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 17:28

@category12 do you mean I am trying to make them live me by running around after them?
You could be right.
Needs some thought

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 16/12/2018 17:28

I agree I would say fine if you feel like that maybe you shouldn’t come.

pallisers · 16/12/2018 17:29

OP, the man will sit on his own because his children won't spend christmas with him - nothing to do with you. If you can't bring yourself to do it, then do this last christmas. Don't make much of a fuss (and maybe cut it down to one day - drop him back boxing day morning) and then just drop contact. as you say "I wont miss the hassle, and will probably enjoy the freedom from gulit......."

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 17:32

No, to be fair, i dont think i do any more than my step brother. He does a lot for step father, no doubt about that. SB goes to his parents in law every Xmas, and I know my SF has been invited in the past, but has declined. Step sister is too far away to do much on a practical basis.

Just wanted to put the record straight a bit - i really do not want to make it sound as though I do everything and they do nowt!

OP posts:
Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 17:34

Thank you @pallisers

I think that is exactly what I will do.

Thanks evefyone, Merry Christmas Xmas Smile

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 16/12/2018 17:34

I think people are getting cross because you are enabling him to continue disrespecting you and abusing you as your mother did. That's shocking. You need to have a sit down at the end of the bed moment on 31st December and decide that you don't want to live like this any more. Walk away from these people. They are never going to get it or be sorry or be kind.

You say you love your step-brother, maybe you can keep in touch with him, after all it sounds like you have lost a lot. But your need for counselling screams out from the page. Its like you are conditioned to behave as if there is some high drama when in fact the only thing wrong is that they treat you like crap. There is no "honour" in your saying ok well I'll still have him at Christmas; I don't want him to be all alone - its like you can only see a way to continue this toxic relationship but you don't want to see the way out.

Whisky2014 · 16/12/2018 17:35

Hmm i think people really over egg the dangerous to drive in ice and snow.if you're a capable confident driver and are sensible it's fine. I drove at midnight last night through incredibly bad icy rain. But i took my time, stated alert, know how to drive in these conditions. Fine.
That said though i wouldn't drive to get to a concert I was arsed about and I certainly wouldn't be catering for someone who didn't trust me, reacted badly and wasn't grateful for being hospitable at xmas. Fuck him off op and get rid of your FOG.

MrsSarahSiddons · 16/12/2018 17:39

OP you sound lovely actually and they have certainly been using you. Have you heard of Gretchen Rubin's four personality types? (Google it) I did her quiz recently and it turns out I am an "Obliger", and when I read the description it really chimed with me. Take a look, it might help you. Sometimes it's fine to say no to helping people out.
And you were absolutely right not to drive in rural areas last night - it was very treacherous out there.

category12 · 16/12/2018 17:43

Yes, that's what I was saying.

Fwiw, you sound really nice, OP.

But you're not going to get the validation you deserve from him.

RangeRider · 16/12/2018 17:46

If your relative had been a small child desperate to see your face then maybe you could have made more of an effort (though personally at the first sign of ice I lock the front door and refuse to set foot out), but for a grown adult? Who then has a tantrum? You wouldn't have been unreasonable to stay home if it had been a 2 minute walk in bright sunshine on a summer's day for him.
Your mum was a piece of work, he sounds little better (if at all). Walk away and don't look back. You'll feel better for it.

flapjackfairy · 16/12/2018 17:50

Well I don't think you were unreasonable at all. Stop doing things from guilt and let them get on with it. Easy to say I know but I would be just the same as you and make myself miserable to keep them happy. What is wrong with us ?

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