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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I GENUINELY dont know if i am or not....

131 replies

Penninepain · 16/12/2018 15:44

This story could take a year to tell, so keeping it short.

Relative was in Carol Concert last night.
We live very, very rurally. 2.5 miles to B road ( after getting down half mile ungritted driveway).
We had said we were going, but had freezing rain and snow last night, so rang and let them know we could not get there.

To say we have been fucked over by not going is an understatement.

However, despite the Huuuuuge background, i want to ask a simple question:

AIBU not to risk life and limb to attend a carol concert 26 miles away when i am:
A. Snowed in and iced over
B. To fecking old to drive in shite weather

This person is exceptionally pissed off. I thought we were being sensible. What think you?

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 16/12/2018 16:11

Sorry, not FIL, step-dad!

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 16:14

Fucked over is probably not the correct term.

I feel that though.

I am a step daughter whose children and grandchildren he could not give a toss about.
He has two other children who do fuck all for him. One is close by, the other is too far away to help out. Out of the three of us, i visit/ care/ look after him the most.
I do it out of a feeling of guilt if I did not iykwim.
BUT, if anything eber goes wrong, i feel as though i am 'ganged up' on.
I did not make it last night. SD and SB clearly had discussed and decided the weather ws not THAT bad. 'Everyone else made it'. When I tried to tell him how bad it was here, he clearly did not believe me.
I spoke to step brother, who clearly thought i was lying because i did not want to go.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 16/12/2018 16:14

This could be the perfect “out” for you to not have him over Christmas, as flippant and trivialising as that sounds.

Please remember you are not responsible for him, he is an adult human being - albeit a bereaved one - who has choices about what to do at Xmas and has opted out.

Christmas is one day of the whole year. It sounds to me as if they were almost waiting for and willing you to “fail” OP.

Hoppinggreen · 16/12/2018 16:14

Why are you having someone you don’t like at your house for Xmas?
Screw that, he’s got children of his own who have actually invited him to their houses but he CHOOSES not to go - so if he’s alone it’s through choice.
I really would leave him to it
Oh and not going out was absolutely the right decision, DD was due to go to a party but the party girls parents cancelled after a neighbors car skidded into theirs

Ilove · 16/12/2018 16:15

Christ, I’m a nanny living in. Main city. Yesterday I collected a child early from a pre-booked activity, then struggled to get her to the next one. The weather was awful!

BoebePhuffay · 16/12/2018 16:15

Well it really doesn’t sound like you’re Fucked over all tbh. They’re just having a whinge. Ignore. They’ll get back in touch with you eventually. Not sure why you’d want them to though.

staffiegirl · 16/12/2018 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 16:19

@Bluntness100 i dont think i am a drama llama (but, i suppose no one thinks they are), i am just really upset. I know thats pathetic, no5 me usually, just getting to me for some reason.
There is a lot more to the relationship, but it would just result in me whinging, so will give myself a thorough kicking and get on with it 😁

Thanks all x

OP posts:
Swipetounlock · 16/12/2018 16:19

They are step family. Are you close to them because you don't have any closer family? I think that slightly affects how much crap you are prepared to put up with.

sackrifice · 16/12/2018 16:21

We are used to sudden changes in plan, living so rurally but I can see you struggle with it so you should arrange events with your son as he is so reliable

^This.

And stop being guilted into looking after him.

Think of this as the last straw and do not pick him up for Christmas. He will survive, esp if he feels the need to bitch about you with his kids.

RyderWhiteSwan · 16/12/2018 16:22

Good time to fuck him off. Nothing to feel guilty about here. He has no interest in your DC/DGC, and has 2 adult DC to take him in at Christmas. Ganging up on you? Ignore. Drama over nothing.

CaroloftheBalls · 16/12/2018 16:22

The way you over-exaggerate “being fucked over” makes me wonder if you have known form in your family for over-exaggeration and that’s why they don’t think this apocalyptic icy rain was in fact so terrible.

It’s ok to change your mind and decide you don’t want to go somewhere. You don’t need to make such a huge drama out of everything.

Original poster
Penninepain · 16/12/2018 16:22

@staffiegirl fair enough.

I suppose i just dont have enough drama in my life. This feels huge to me, but it obviously is not.

Will give myself a good talking to.

OP posts:
CaroloftheBalls · 16/12/2018 16:23

“This story could take a year to tell”

Confused Hmm
BitOutOfPractice · 16/12/2018 16:23

What do you mean by "fucked over"?

RyderWhiteSwan · 16/12/2018 16:25

Oh we had rain only - but bucketing it down, awful driving conditions that would have kept me from a carol concert miles away.

OneStepMoreFun · 16/12/2018 16:26

OP, the older they get, the more like toddlers they become. Narcissistic, petulant, desperate for attention. Just treat him as such. Be brisk and jolly and act as though he has got over it. Even talking to them as you would a toddler can help. Be very brisk and sensible. No emotions in yoru response. If he tries the 'you don;t care I'm alone, you just say. We do. You are here right now. It was dangerous to drive that night so we didn't. Would you like a cup of tea now or a glass of wine?'

diddl · 16/12/2018 16:29

I doubt I would ever have even considered travelling 26miles for a carol oncert.

Tbh if he is invited somewhere & chooses not to go, that's entirely up to him.

No need for you to then invite him.

Is it too late for him to go elsewhere?

What if the weather's bad & you can't fetch him?

Bobaboutwhat · 16/12/2018 16:31

Unfortunately I think you would have better luck explaining about the weather to a brick wall. He does not want to believe you didn’t go because of the dangerous road conditions - he would much rather be in the position of feeling self-righteous, especially if he is supported by others who made it there. Yes - they may have made it there in one piece thankfully but you decided not to risk it. There’s little logic to this - “look! We didn’t crash on the way here so obviously you would have been fine too!”

PowerPantsRule · 16/12/2018 16:32

I have a stepfather left over after my mum died. This is exactly what he would do. You did NOTHING wrong OP and I totally feel your pain. Think of how nice you are being to him at Christmas! If he doesn't believe you, maybe disinvite the miserable bugger.

category12 · 16/12/2018 16:33

Perhaps it's time to let go of the guilt?

I know the sense of obligation and guilt well. But, he's not your family, and he doesn't care about your dc and dgc, and really not much of a fig about you.

So really, you should back off from helping - he doesn't appreciate it or value you. Why be the black sheep of a non-blood-related family? I'd probably do Christmas and then dwindle contact down, cos fuck it.

AnoukSpirit · 16/12/2018 16:34

He has two other children who do fuck all for him.

I can't say that's the most surprising thing I've ever heard based on your posts.

There were weather warnings in force for the period you would have been travelling.

He has nothing to do with your children? Plus he's vile and unpleasant?

In what way was he "devoted" to your mum?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 16/12/2018 16:36

I'm not sure why you are getting so many pa emojis and responses.
You seem to do an awful lot out of a sense of duty, which whilst admirable to some degree, is obviously taking its toll and you appear to be taken for granted.
Ryder and onestep speak wise words.

cantfindname · 16/12/2018 16:37

Seeing as my car went sideways down a back lane this morning here in the soft south-east I think you were completely justified in staying home and safe. He sounds like a child having a tantrum and I wouldn't blame you if you decide not to have the miserable old sod for Christmas.

AJPTaylor · 16/12/2018 16:37

Tell him he is on his own for Xmas
Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.