To be feeling so lonely this time of year

[snowwheel]

I finish work next week and I’m dreading it a bit to be honest.

@Travisandthemonkey

Thanks for your kind words 💐.

I know what you mean about your friends... I could have been in a relationship by Christmas but he was honestly toxic and as much as we both are desperate for kids, a relationship with him would have been utterly miserable.

I have parents with whom I’ll be spending Christmas but they are getting older and fall asleep for most of the afternoon/evening so I’m left staring at the Christmas tree pondering my life choices. I am grateful for them but they too struggle with showing affection and communication.

I have a huge family but haven’t seen most of them for years...they don’t even include my name on a Christmas card anymore - it’s like they’ve forgotten I exist.

I absolutely agree though that you can be married and have kids and be miserable and lonely at Christmas too.

I wish people put as much effort into their friends as they did their relationships. Considering divorce rates.
But no one really understands that unless they’ve been on their own.
I had a friend recently who massively projected her unhappy marriage on me! It was all “oh travis” it’s so easy for you, you don’t have anything serious in your life to deal with, you have no idea what it’s like

I was a bit

But sweeney, I'm not going for that level of an occasional coffee at a totally inconvenient time of day where I have to do all the running, all the getting taxi's over to her side of town and progress all arrangements. If she wanted to meet up, genuinely, she'd be badgering me. I'm sick of putting that level of positive energy out there, especially when its based on the expectation set by the other person!! and getting nothing back tbh.

I guess drizzle, it's not the 'answer', it's more that exposing yourself to repeated examples of how no one gives a shit about you and is in their own bubble, isn't good for you so naturally you cut all that stuff out other than the stuff you can't get out of cos it's school-related say. So the remedy for dealing with it is indeed to cut it out from the damage limitation pov, but for the cure and what that is, I have no answer.

I am also lonely.
Yesterday was awful I felt so lonely

I have felt for a long time that people aren't interested/aren't looking for new friendships, which by the way doesn't make sense to me cos why would you not be open to friends?

Another one sympathising with the lonely people on this thread. And with no solutions. And dreading Christmas.

I'm always embarrassed at how few presents I have to buy and how little prep I have to do while other people are moaning about the shopping, cooking, parties, family get-togethers etc that have them so worn out.

I'm not even brave enough to volunteer, or do many things on my own. I don't/can't make friends by getting involved in good works and I can't find any group activities I could get involved in (not in UK). Would die for embarrassment and fear if I tried OLD.

I spent years trying to keep it light and casual and inviting people out for coffee etc but they all left it up to me and never reciprocated; it would take me weeks to muster the courage to ask them and obviously it didn't bother them if they ever saw me again or not so I figured why go on putting myself through that for nothing. I live in a place where I didn't grow up with/go to school with anyone and my DCs went to a school where everyone was dropped off by car so you didn't meet other mums by the gate and I worked full-time so couldn't help out with school-related activities.

And yes sometimes being around people for a while can make it worse when you go home and there's no one you can talk to or call to tell them about it, and you don't know when next you might be lucky enough to get some random invitation over which you have no control.

I don’t think people mean to be so insular...most people I know seem to barely be coping with life and commitments etc and so they don’t have much time for non-family members. My friend’s with young kids obviously have to always have one eye or ear on the kids when we are out for coffee or in each other’s homes so quality interaction is difficult (understandably!). Another friend has two older girls with hobbies, a husband with a demanding job in security/H&S management for an international company meaning frequent travel, is a full time uni student working nights in a nursing home and also does child care for family. She’s desperately wanting closer friendships but has no time.

I honestly think it’s a societal thing. Life is so busy and Social Media has replaced face to face meetings or even phone calls. It’s absolutely not a decent replacement though.

Oh lesser I hear every word you just said

Another one with you OP. I find Christmas very difficult. A very good friend of mine died on Xmas Eve when I was 18. I was sat with her when she passed having been in a coma for three days following an operation due to internal bleeding and she had no family. As you can imagine that Christmas was just a hideous hideous time and even now, many years on, it still has a bit of an impact. I have been single for 8 years and only have my parents in terms of family; we get on but we're not close. I shall see them Xmas morning and stay for lunch then come home to my flat and won't see anyone then until new year as all my friends have their own families, or go away to be with families. I was much closer to my grandparents than my parents and seeing them on Xmas Day always made it what it was for me. Nan died just over two years ago and grandad last year. My job is with a charity and deals with volunteers and so I really don't want to do something over the Xmas period that is more or less very similar to my day job. And as another poster says, going out and doing something is all very well but you come home on your own. Again. As you have for eight years (or however long). You can't avoid all the adverts and stuff on TV about Christmas and families and loving couples and while other times of the year you might just have a mope for an hour or two, somehow, at Christmas, it's much harder. And I just think some people just don't get it at all.

I’m feeling very ashamed of myself.
I have been feeling down cos I’m missing my mum (died last year) and moaning cos I’ve got in-laws coming for Christmas and some of them are a little tricky.
But after reading this post I’ve given myself a kick up the bum and realise how very fortunate I am.
I hope you all find some peace, happiness and love this Christmas

Please don’t feel ashamed of yourself. You’ve had a big bereavement and it’s a time of year that you’ll have a lot of memories. The biggest message from this thread is that it’s ok to feel sad about things that are sad and to as be kind to yourself as you can - that applies to you too. Good luck with the in laws!

There is always time for friends. I don’t believe people who say they have no time.

You do begin to wonder 'what's wrong with me' when you endlessly make all the running like Lessero says (hence the worries about BO!!!! I don't have BO or bad breath, honest!!). So then you think well, what's this all about, am I that shit to be around that no one proactively asks me to do something with them??

But then a month or so ago I started a new job. I can't tell you how well I've fitted right in with the whole team, banter with my colleagues, we have a proper laugh, work hard and dedicated to our roles and the job in hand, and I've been out several times already with work with them and they made a special event of my birthday in late October (I mean, the amount of effort and thought they put into it for someone they'd only known for a few weeks was absolutely heartwarming and lovely). So I can't be that bad can I?

So for the moment I hold onto that, enjoy that but my focus is still on DD and I've turned down two nights out this week to ensure I was at home with her in the evening and she wasn't stuck on her own. And I have to be and am very thankful for that and that I have her and her brother and my own brother who I shall try and see some time during Twixmas. That's what I have and I'm happy with that for the moment.It's too disheartening to keep trying for more with people who just aren't interested.

Thank you Shady

I have sent you a PM.

I think it's great that you have started the thread OP and loneliness needs to be brought more out into the open, with no shame. There is nothing wrong with anyone who feels alone, it is hard. The time of year makes it far far worse and to me the shame and embarrassment compound that, because of this myth we're all supposed to be partying, or doing things in groups. It's not the reality for many many people.

Like you and pp I have done all the hobbies, volunteering, OLD (briefly) and other variations of trying to socialise, including taking the chance of asking at least 3 people this year who I seemed to get on well with whether they'd like to meet for coffee, all said yes and then didn't. It gets disheartening and hard not to take it personally.

What does work for me though is some kind of routine, like going to a coffee shop regularly and the gym, as I find being stuck in the house too much is worse and it helps to be around people. But everyone finds their own way to cope.

Eleanor Oliphant is one of my favourite books. The character Eleanir is alone and without family.

I've been there, and the only way round it is very cliché - get out and about.

Nah, it's the only thing that works for you, the person describing their own experiences.

Anyway, Sarah Millican still runs her "join in" thing over Christmas for people on their own... yes it's on the evil social media of Twitter, but it's generally just people chatting and being friendly without any judgement or nasty people trying to kick you. Can help break the isolation without in the process having to see other people who aren't going to be alone afterwards.

Might not be your thing at all, but just mentioning it in case it's any comfort to know there are possible options to break the time up in a smaller way...

There seems to be a circular pattern - if you have a lot of connected people you get more. Whereas if you are lonely people are afraid you will be a burden as they will be too important to you. I avoid anything other than light acquaintances as i don't want to hurt someone's feelings when I truly don't have the emotional energy for anyone except my family.

I can relate. Funny thing is no one who knows me would think I'm lonely. Have a wide circle of friends although various extended family issues which make me feel lonely at this time of year, friends all with their own families. I'm just trying to make as many plans as possible (even with myself) e.g. will do a few creative things I normally don't get time to do, maybe read a book and watch a movie. Not sure if that's helpful but I suppose having a 'plan' during Christmas time off might at least give you something else to think about. I do still feel very sad at this time of year though.

There’s nothing special about Xmas for me - it’s something to be endured. It’s for the kids really and I don’ t have any. As the years go by an increasing number of folk are no longer around and I didn’t have time or opportunity to see them enough when they were around, and this is the time of year I notice their absence most. So, it could well be a depressing time of year. I do enjoy seeing the decorations and I would enjoy visiting family more if they weren’t so far away. Speaking for myself, I don’t expect to have friends in the same way as I did when young, and would probably bore them to death. I prefer a good book these days. Just a thought - are you getting enough vitamin D whilst the daylight hours are so short? It can affect mood I think.

Just a thought - are you getting enough vitamin D whilst the daylight hours are so short? It can affect mood I think.

Yes it can it's refered to as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and very preavlent in counties like Finland what its bloody dark and cold in the winter months!

Seen this happen more than the once. I'm not that bothered by this time of year 'tho i do miss the longer days. Never mind the solstice will soon be here and longer lighter days on the way:)

I am sorry snow, but I am sure that many many people feel the same, it just seems worse at Christmas because of all the hype and pressure to be a perfect family. In fact, New Year is the peak time for people separating and seeking divorce, which says it all really.

There has been a lot of mention of friendships but, in my opinion, they take a long time to grow properly if they are to be deep and meaningful. There are people you can meet and strike up an instant relationship and socialise with, but the rare flower is something which has been tended and watered over the years. I think we should never give up on friendship if it doesn't deepen immediately, but just hang on in there, try to be proactive without being pushy or needy.

I have no advice beyond that above, except to say maybe embrace it, wallow a bit, buy yourself some delicious things to eat and drink, enjoy the solitude and the fact that you can please yourself, watch some tv or listen to some lovely music, and focus on the fact that it will be over in the blink of an eye. Then resolve to make things different for 2019.

@snowwheel all the suggestions of things you could do....if you were bored, but you stated that you are lonely not bored 🙄 and the volunteering is great if your post was asking what you could do to give something back to the community.....

And as for the people who said you were coming on here to moan and 'not doing anything about it' 😱

What is this forum for?? It's meant to be a place to vent, it seems you can't actually write anything without being flamed on here.

As you obviously know there's no practical advice that can be given for feeling lonely, I'm sure you just wanted to vent and that's what this forum is for. Friendships can be even more isolating and lonely that not having friends, because they'll all be off having plans at this time of year.

My parents are split and my Christmas would always entail visiting various people, with their new families.. I am so blessed that I had so many people to visit as some people have no one, but I still felt lonely because I couldn't actually be with my own family, there were lots of other people there too.. and I felt an outsider. My brother couldn't think of anything worse than visiting all those people so he sat at home on his own and he was and still is extremely lonely. Sorry I know you also didn't come on here to read other peoples sob stories but just trying to offer some solidarity, being around people certainly doesn't curtail the loneliness xxx

I think part of the problem is all the hype on television, making it seem as though everyone is having a great time. They probably aren't, but no one likes to admit it, like the Emperor's new clothes.

Big hugs to everyone in here who feels lonely, whether you are physically alone or feel alone although surrounded by lots of people. Sometimes there is no easy answer. But even with the media perfect Christmas we think everyone else is happening, most often people aren’t having this. But maybe plan what you are going to do over Christmas to give it a bit of structure. Go for a walk in a popular spot Christmas Day, there will be people walking their dogs to wish merry Christmas, maybe go to church in the morning to get you up and about and people to talk to. I know it doesn’t make up for the loneliness you feel but sometimes it helps to fake it.