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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling so lonely this time of year

138 replies

snowwheel · 15/12/2018 16:44

I finish work next week and I’m dreading it a bit to be honest.

OP posts:
DoinItForTheKids · 15/12/2018 18:39

I'm sorry guys if that's how I responded. I was responding in detail to give support to OP, not to start a thread within a thread. Clearly, it's a sore point but there you go, that's an element that adds to the difficulty and cutting off of contact to my own family - because obviously supporting her takes precedence as they have given her a shattered self esteem and severe anxiety. I apologise - I spend my life defending and supporting a young girl that literally no one in her 'family' who gives a shit about. It's not easy and I apologise for a negative response.

Travisandthemonkey · 15/12/2018 18:42

@DoinItForTheKids
You sound like an amazing parent. I hope eventually it works out for the best one way or another

Original poster
snowwheel · 15/12/2018 18:48

You really do, Doin Flowers

OP posts:
Mag1cMarket · 15/12/2018 18:49

I think that people can be lonely at any time of the year. However, some people like to spend time alone. You can be alone, but not lonely. You can be in a group, but feel alone.

PurpleDaisies · 15/12/2018 18:51

I think that people can be lonely at any time of the year.

While that’s true, Christmas is particularly bad for stirring up all sorts of unwanted feelings. You’re supposed to be spending time with other people. You’re supposed to be happy. You’re bombarded with pictures of other people being happy.

DoinItForTheKids · 15/12/2018 18:55

Thank you guys - I do try bit with people who are essentially nuts, you're so limited as to how and how much you can help and it's tough, but I do try my best I promise x

Judeeee · 15/12/2018 18:57

*Kikidelivers

Yes. No children, just DH and our dog and cats

Are you unhappy married?*

No. But thanks for checking.

Kikidelivers · 15/12/2018 18:58

The reason I ask was just curious how you could be lonely over this festive period if happily married. Genuine question.

ShadyLady53 · 15/12/2018 18:58

@Kikidelivers

Because I’ve done it for 10 years and not just at Christmas time, a lot of my time is spent giving to everyone else and I feel no one actually gives much of a shit about me.

Like other posters on here I’ve done all the things people suggest;

Sports, Am-Dram, Choir, Volunteering x 100, College/Uni, changing careers, church etc etc

I have friends but it seems these days most people aren’t looking for much of a deeper connection outside of their own little family. At these hobbies and in my community etc I’m “popular” and “liked” but I’m as lonely AF.

I dreamed of marriage and having children especially and now I’m 34 and I’ve been single for most of my life. It sounds ridiculous but at Christmas I feel sort of haunted by the little family I don’t have and perhaps now never will.

I don’t have a thick enough skin for internet dating and I’m not meeting anyone in real life despite doing EVERYTHING I possibly can to put myself out there.

I want real connection and have no idea how to get it.

Now, I’m just working on accepting my lot. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though.

OP lots of us know where you are coming from.

You can vent away, it’s your thread. You shouldn’t be made feel worse for feeling low.

Original poster
snowwheel · 15/12/2018 19:07

shady you have voiced what I’m feeling ... about trying all these things and getting nowhere. It’s so upsetting.

OP posts:
DoinItForTheKids · 15/12/2018 19:09

I do agree shady - you reach a level of acceptance, I did OLD 9 years ago (it was great but partly because I had a totally different state of mind) but I've not literally no appetite for it now. I look at it (sadly!) statistically, that the odds of finding someone versus the risk of wasting 5 - 20 years with the wrong person (or even just one year or six months if it would take from the time with my children for someone who proved not to be worthwhile), it's just not worth it.

I also agree that people seem v happy with their established families / friendship groups and honestly, your chance of busting into that is very very limited indeed because they just aren't looking, because they don't need anything else.

For me the opportunities at work have been the most solid and yet, with this recent friendship, once again, it got me nowhere so, what can you do? Grin

That magical family and lovely Xmas of course isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. i loved the Xmas's with my kids especially when they were littlies, but it is almost worse as they've got older, just me and them two sat in the house totally on our own whilst the neighbours scream obsceneties at their children - it's properly sad really, it's not what I'd choose, but what can you do?

DoinItForTheKids · 15/12/2018 19:10

Second the trying it and getting nowhere - what the hell are you supposed to do?

Presumably we must be doing it wrong?! Or we have really bad BO...

Travisandthemonkey · 15/12/2018 19:13

I think at a certain age it’s very hard to make new friends and everyone is involved in their family lives. If you don’t have that it’s tough.
People batten down the hatches! I’m sure it’s nothing to do with bad breath

ShadyLady53 · 15/12/2018 19:14

@snowwheel - I know! It’s really frustrating. You know in your heart you are as good and decent a person as you can be, you treat others fairly, try and make them feel special, put yourself “out there” and...nothing.

It hurts. Especially when you see how easy it seems to fall into place for most people, even those who are actively nasty and cruel.

You search yourself over and over trying to figure out where you are going wrong, try and improve yourself but it seems like nothing ever changes for the better.

I’m sorry, probably none of this is helping but what I’m trying to say is, you aren’t alone in how you think or how feel. Sometimes people just get a shitty deal and it’s not fair.

All we can do is try and figure out how to make something good out of this, give ourselves some of the happiness we are always trying to give to others xxx

nicoala1 · 15/12/2018 19:16

Christmas to me is bollocks. All manufactured for consumerism, and it obviously works for many.

ShadyLady53 · 15/12/2018 19:16

If only it were a case of BO.

People always tell me I smell lovely 😭😭😭.

DoinItForTheKids · 15/12/2018 19:18

I've always thought so *shady!! Flowers

Travisandthemonkey · 15/12/2018 19:18

@ShadyLady53
And op
Hold onto you being a good person.

Literally all of my friends are in hideous relationships. And they never bother with me much either. Too busy, or a lot of deeper issues. But I look at them and think I wouldn’t want to be in such horrid relationships, they probably look at me and feel sorry for me. God knows who’s right.

I am ok, because I have a parent to spend Xmas with. But I don’t massively want to be there, I would love to find a connection with someone.

Original poster
snowwheel · 15/12/2018 19:19

I wish it was something as simple as BO!

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/12/2018 19:20

I have friends but it seems these days most people aren’t looking for much of a deeper connection outside of their own little family.

That is so true and one of the reasons I said I think loneliness will get a bigger and more widespread thing than it is now. Anybody who looks at these boards on a regular basis will see frequent advise ti go NC, ltb drop friends ect and whilst this is sometimes good advise often compromise and give and take is a better option. All I can suggest is try and keep as wide a circle of acquaintances as possible and just keep asking them if they fancy a coffee or if any of them fancy a trip to the cinema occasionally. Just light and casual.

DarienGap · 15/12/2018 19:20

Sorry to hear about your loneliness op.
I'm lucky in that I have a family but I feel lonely at times too. I have no close friends apart from one that I might see twice a year, rest of the time it's just a quick message to say hello.
No real advice apart from you're not the only one who feels like that Flowers

DoinItForTheKids · 15/12/2018 19:23

Sadly my experience of that sweeney is it just gets you nowhere. It seems there literally is no solution... no matter what you do, or in my experience at least, is that you even get to the stage of early friendship and there's just not the will on the other side to maintain or grow it.

brizzledrizzle · 15/12/2018 19:27

How is it the the remedy for loneliness is to be more alone?!!

It's not is it, but it makes it more bearable sometimes?

Like if you are on a diet and you have one chocolate you just want more chocolate but if you don't have any chocolate it's easier? Or is that just me?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/12/2018 19:29

I get that @Doinit. I understand how insular and wound up in their own little circle some people can be, but even if it doesnt lead to anything long term at least the odd coffee or cinema trip is a break from the norm but I guess it may not be that straightforward. I appreciate I am lucky as I have a large extended family that all get on well. I dont have any close friends though mainly just work mates or hobby buddies.

Original poster
snowwheel · 15/12/2018 19:30

I know what you mean brizzle

I don’t think making ‘friends’ is the answer: being nice and sociable yes but friendships are seasonal sadly.

OP posts: