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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date my best friend's ex

110 replies

Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 16:22

That, really. I know it's 'girl code' but are there ever any exceptions?

My friend (let's call her Helen) is happy with her DH & 4 year old DD. Before meeting her DH, she dated 'Bob' (not real name) 8 years previously for 5 months. Bob ended it. Nothing serious, just not compatible (she's quite highly strung) but they stayed friends ever since.

Bob and I then met at a party Helen had.

Bob & I had an instant connection.

Helen noticed, and told me I'm not allowed to date Bob as it's against girl code. Bit weird, I thought, as she's happily married and we're in our 30s, not teenagers. But sure.

Bob and I had already swapped numbers, and he called me. We spoke about Helen and agreed not to date as to not upset her. One phone call turned into several, then coffee, then dates, and 6 months later we're falling in love.

I told Helen we needed to speak about something important and she agreed to meet - I told her Bob & I were dating.

She got hysterical. Crying, shouting, I'm Satan. Worse than Satan. I'm evil. The worst person in the world. She hasn't spoken to me since.

For the full story, this happened 11 years ago. Bob and I are still together, happily married and he's honestly my soulmate. But Helen never spoke to me again.

Her FB profile came up as a suggested friend and it took me right back to the drama, I still miss her.

Is it always wrong to date a friend's ex? Was I unreasonable, or was she?

OP posts:
cl61reb · 15/12/2018 16:25

11 happy years together proves that she was being unreasonable!!! Congratulations!!

Rachelle3211 · 15/12/2018 16:25

She was unreasonable. She seems very jealous and insecure. I wonder what her dh thought?

Heuschrecke · 15/12/2018 16:25

Based on what you've said, she sounds utterly pathetic.

flyingdragonzog · 15/12/2018 16:25

She was. She was happily married and bob was a brief unimportant relationship to her - not like the one that got away

Elphie54 · 15/12/2018 16:25

She specifically asked you not to, you told her you wouldn’t and hen went behind her back and dated anyway? Her exbf or not, I’d be livid about you lying.

Original poster
Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 16:27

Oh my God I was preparing to be totally flamed so thank you for the kind responses.

I've always carried this guilt, especially how she responded. Sad

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 15/12/2018 16:27

Helen sounds a bit mental, could she have been in love with Bob the whole time,? otherwise I can't see why she would be bothered.
in lots of situations it's not acceptable to get together with a friends ex, but in your case it sounds fine, and anyway, you're still together all these years later so you done the right thing

makingmammaries · 15/12/2018 16:27

Not her business. YWNBU

MrsAndrewEldritch · 15/12/2018 16:28

Ah thats sad actually.

See if you can re kindle the friendship given 11 years has past. Time heals all.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2018 16:29

Helen was U.

sizzledrizz · 15/12/2018 16:29

She was, but now you are. It's not important anymore, just forget it and carrying on enjoying life

WWlOOlWW · 15/12/2018 16:29

I would usually say yes but is someone you 'dated' for 5 months really an ex?

I was just thinking how I'd feel if it was me and I would be absolutely fine if a friend got together with a very old boyfriend of mine.

Original poster
Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 16:29

@Elphie54 yeah, I'd definitely change that if I could.

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 15/12/2018 16:29

God she sounds unhinged
She’s better off out of your life. Shit happens
unless there is some massive back sorry. Like he was the love of her life and cruelly treated her and she spent years getting over it,

user1493413286 · 15/12/2018 16:30

I would have thought it was ok after so long with her married but I wonder if she felt very hurt by the break up even years on

fuzzywuzzy · 15/12/2018 16:31

Having a casual dating relationship for five months, eight years before you met the man. Is really nuts to be territorial over someone.

I’d understand if she had been married to him and he had treated her badly or something, but this scenario sounds so like there was nothing actually there to be hurt or upset about.

moanymoaner · 15/12/2018 16:31

Helen sounds crazy! Probably still holding a torch but it's done! I don't think girl code can count unless it was a serious relationship /marriage . Heck no one would ever get into a relationship where I live!

limpbizkit · 15/12/2018 16:31

I wouldn't be remotely bothered if a friend of mine dated an ex. Unless of course said ex was abusive for example then I'd be concerned. None of her business. She sounds like shes insecure if I'm honest. Move on and forget about the friend suggestion. You'll only welcome drama back in your life. Congratulations on finding your soul mate and having a happy marriage

Nativityriot · 15/12/2018 16:31

Oh my god, my best friend’s been married for nearly 20 years to someone I dated for a few months (disastrously) at uni. I introduced them! Couldn’t care less. Also had a slightly ‘promiscuous’ fwb who years later it turned out had been shagging VARIOUS friends while I worked on the other side of the world (and went out with someone else). He was just that kind of guy, I’d have been crazy to expect anything else from him.

I do actually believe, not in girl code, but having respect and boundaries. There are people I would never have gone near or have been devastated had one of my friends gone near. But you just can’t separate someone from what could be the love of her life just because you had a brief fling with them once upon a time back in the mists of oblivion! Get therapy, get over it.

Drogosnextwife · 15/12/2018 16:33

Don't know why you would miss someone like that. She can't demand you don't see someone she car no control over another human being!

ilovesooty · 15/12/2018 16:35

She was utterly ridiculous. You wouldn't have dated without her knowledge if she'd behaved like an adult in the first place. I wouldn't attempt to rekindle the relationship either.

loveka · 15/12/2018 16:37

I'm afraid I fell out with a very good friend over something similar.

Obviously very different as my relationship with the guy she wanted to date had left me heartbroken! I was bereft and miserable when he dumped me really horribly.

I was happily married, but I still asked her not to do it. I just didn't want my ex in my life in any way. I knew that of he was with my friend he I would have to see him.

It is TOTALLY different, but it was the sense of betrayal from my friend that made me want no contact with her.

OlennasWimple · 15/12/2018 16:37

Helen was unreasonable

I would chalk it up as one of those things, give yourself permission to move on without feeling guilty

Sethis · 15/12/2018 16:41

So you went out with someone she had dated for 5 months.

8 years ago.

And she said "You can't date him". And dropped into hysterics when you did.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a "Sodding nutter".

Original poster
Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 16:42

@loveka no I totally understand that!

OP posts: