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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date my best friend's ex

110 replies

Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 16:22

That, really. I know it's 'girl code' but are there ever any exceptions?

My friend (let's call her Helen) is happy with her DH & 4 year old DD. Before meeting her DH, she dated 'Bob' (not real name) 8 years previously for 5 months. Bob ended it. Nothing serious, just not compatible (she's quite highly strung) but they stayed friends ever since.

Bob and I then met at a party Helen had.

Bob & I had an instant connection.

Helen noticed, and told me I'm not allowed to date Bob as it's against girl code. Bit weird, I thought, as she's happily married and we're in our 30s, not teenagers. But sure.

Bob and I had already swapped numbers, and he called me. We spoke about Helen and agreed not to date as to not upset her. One phone call turned into several, then coffee, then dates, and 6 months later we're falling in love.

I told Helen we needed to speak about something important and she agreed to meet - I told her Bob & I were dating.

She got hysterical. Crying, shouting, I'm Satan. Worse than Satan. I'm evil. The worst person in the world. She hasn't spoken to me since.

For the full story, this happened 11 years ago. Bob and I are still together, happily married and he's honestly my soulmate. But Helen never spoke to me again.

Her FB profile came up as a suggested friend and it took me right back to the drama, I still miss her.

Is it always wrong to date a friend's ex? Was I unreasonable, or was she?

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 15/12/2018 17:43

We don’t always do things perfectly in hindsight
But There is no such thing as karma
I hope that helps!

Original poster
Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 17:46

@MerdedeBrexit alas, he too was cast out.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 15/12/2018 17:49

She is being v unreasonable. That said i don't tend to date a gf ex as i feel thete are plenty of nice men without all the complications.
I don't like the kind of women who hang around like vultures but if the relationship had ended a few months before no harm done.
Best leave it op...too much drama!

Original poster
Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 17:50

@Craft1905

*you were too weak to deal with the issue."

Sad
OP posts:
SantaBabycharly · 15/12/2018 17:53

She may have been “suggested “ as a friend but treat it like a menu, choose not to take up the recommendation.

Ethel80 · 15/12/2018 17:55

OP, were they still friends? What was their relationship like between their break-up and you getting together with him?
I think she's slightly bonkers and her reaction was extreme so I'm curious why.

I've got one ex that I would be devastated if a friend got together with, even years and years later. We were only together a short time but the intensity of the relationship and the break up means that I'd be so hurt that a friend would go there especially a friend who had been around at the time.
Not because I'm still in love with him btw.

Other exes I either wouldn't be bothered or would want to warn my friend that they were a dick and to steer clear.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 15/12/2018 17:56

Helen sounds like an unhinged twat.

Inviting her back into your life would be like that scene in Raiders when the Nazis open up the ark of the covenant. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, enjoy a drama free life.

BlueJava · 15/12/2018 17:59

I don't really get why you can't date an ex of a friend. One of my friends dated, and then married, an ex bf of mine. I was very happy for them!

MyBreadIsEggy · 15/12/2018 18:05

I married the ex of a friend.
She cheated on him.
She still hates me for it.
She still thinks I only married him and had 2 kids to spite her.
Everyone else knows she’s a dickhead who lost a good man by cheating Confused

Original poster
Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 18:10

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster thank you for making me LOL at the screen!

OP posts:
Sleephead1 · 15/12/2018 18:19

I'm going against the grain because I do think just because it was a short relationship It doesn't mean it wasn't serious to Helen. Now obviously her reaction was extreme and I'm glad it worked out for you but I would be angry aswell if my friend lied to me for 6 months about something my friends could date any of my ex bar one I dated him when I was very young really thought I loved him , he was older and messed me around really and even though I have no feelings for him now and am not interested I guess I just wouldn't want him back in my life in any capacity.

JeremyCorbynsBeard · 15/12/2018 18:21

I married my best friend's ex, we've been together 18 years. She still doesn't speak to me. Her loss. 😊

LakieLady · 15/12/2018 18:27

One of my close friends got together with an ex of mine about 6 weeks after I dumped him. I wasn't hugely impressed at the time, but I soon got used to it, we all stayed friends and even had a couple of holidays/weekends away together.

19 years and one child later, she dumped him in a hugely acrimonious, legally and financially complex split. I steadfastly refused to take sides, remained neutral and stayed friends with them both. Eventually, the dust settled and we would sometimes go out together, the 3 of us.

After 3-4 years of this, her ex made a drunken confession that he had never stopped loving me and wanted us to be together. I had realised that he and I were as near to soul mates as I had ever known, and we have now been together almost 9 years.

When he told her we were seeing each other, she went fucking ballistic, and spent months sending really vile, abusive texts, would go through phases of abusive phone calls and leaving abusive messages and all sorts of weird behaviour.

Neither of us have anything to do with her now, and I don't think I did anything wrong.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 15/12/2018 18:28

Sleephead1

Why would you care though about who your ex dates years down the line, especially if you have supposedly moved on and married. A lot of it smacks of still holding a torch for these people which is a bit shite for your current DP. Fair enough if your best mate dates your ex from last month who you are still getting over, but a short relationship almost a decade ago, that’s just a bit weird and possessive.

Original poster
Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 18:35

Thanks so, so much for the replies. I'm going to draw a line under it (at long last), and definitely not get back in touch with her. I really appreciate the advice, the magic of Mumsnet Smile

OP posts:
ImogenTubbs · 15/12/2018 20:10

I married ex's best friend! They are still best friends and we are still married! Grin

GrandTheftWalrus · 15/12/2018 20:12

My friend dated my now ex husband before I'd even moved out!

Craft1905 · 15/12/2018 20:21

But There is no such thing as karma

And if there is, Helen had it coming as she must've upset someone else for you to upset her.

Karma is brilliant. I can go and punch someone in the face for no reason, safe in the knowledge that they deserved it. Because if karma is real, if they didn't deserve it, it wouldn't have happened to them. Grin

Original poster
Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 20:23

@Craft1905 can't argue with that logic! Grin

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 15/12/2018 20:44

Wtaf. Helen was being VVU.

If she had recently broke up with the guy...then yeh. I wouldn't. But 8 ywars previous...and they only wrnt out 5 monthS?!

sadkoala · 15/12/2018 21:11

I'm glad you're putting it behind you OP. And YANBU or in the wrong in my eyes. I think the posters saying she wanted to feel better in some way are right.

I had a v similar situation when I was a lot younger. I met a lovely guy at my friends house party, we took a liking to each other and she obviously didnt like it, at one point she literally pushed in between us when I was laughing at something he said and I leaned my shoulder on his.

I had to duck out of the party suddenly for some reason and he ended up asking everyone about me ( a few people from the party told me a few days later he really liked me and openly admitted it) and he managed to get a hold of my number and asked me out pretty much within the week. I haven't dated much by that point but I really liked him too so wanted to give it a try.
My "friend" told me I wasn't allowed to date him because he was her brothers friend and she didnt want her friends and her brothers friends dating Confused

She had a long-term Bf at the time and denied ever liking him but threw an absolute hissy fit when she found out I didn't heed by her request and went on a date with him - we weren't exactly close friends either. He was lovely btw and we had some nice times and ended it friendly .

She always liked attention and she liked being the girl the lads went after which is what she usually was as she was really pretty and I think she just didn't like the fact it wasn't about her.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2018 21:24

Helen is completely unhinged and scarily controlling. Some friendships aren't meant to last, and this is clearly one of them. Best of luck to you and Bob! Look forward and move on.

lau888 · 15/12/2018 21:29

To me, it sounds like they weren't as friendly as you thought, after they separated. Helen didn't want to have to see Bob more frequently (because of his position as your boyfriend). She'd rather not see either of you than put up with seeing Bob.

At least... That's a kinder explanation. Assume that and draw a line under the whole debacle. x

donajimena · 15/12/2018 21:30

My friend and I used to mix in a certain circle in the early 90' s. We dated the same men a few times and we still compare notes and reminisce Grin

ScottCheggJnr · 15/12/2018 21:30

In this case I'd say the ends justify the means, but I wouldn't date a friend's ex. I had it done to me and it was horrible.