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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To date my best friend's ex

110 replies

Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 16:22

That, really. I know it's 'girl code' but are there ever any exceptions?

My friend (let's call her Helen) is happy with her DH & 4 year old DD. Before meeting her DH, she dated 'Bob' (not real name) 8 years previously for 5 months. Bob ended it. Nothing serious, just not compatible (she's quite highly strung) but they stayed friends ever since.

Bob and I then met at a party Helen had.

Bob & I had an instant connection.

Helen noticed, and told me I'm not allowed to date Bob as it's against girl code. Bit weird, I thought, as she's happily married and we're in our 30s, not teenagers. But sure.

Bob and I had already swapped numbers, and he called me. We spoke about Helen and agreed not to date as to not upset her. One phone call turned into several, then coffee, then dates, and 6 months later we're falling in love.

I told Helen we needed to speak about something important and she agreed to meet - I told her Bob & I were dating.

She got hysterical. Crying, shouting, I'm Satan. Worse than Satan. I'm evil. The worst person in the world. She hasn't spoken to me since.

For the full story, this happened 11 years ago. Bob and I are still together, happily married and he's honestly my soulmate. But Helen never spoke to me again.

Her FB profile came up as a suggested friend and it took me right back to the drama, I still miss her.

Is it always wrong to date a friend's ex? Was I unreasonable, or was she?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 17:10

@CurlyWurlyTwirly I think you're right.

OP posts:

jacks11 · 15/12/2018 17:10

Helen was being unreasonable- unless there was something about the relationship that you didn't know which meant him being in her life through you would be uncomfortable/distressing (but you'd have thought she'd have said so if that were the case).

I think the only part where you were unreasonable was that when she raised her objections rather than saying "no, don't agree" you then agreed not to date him. You would have been perfectly reasonable to say you wanted to date him and not to agree- she was being totally unreasonable. It might have been awkward for her, but as a good friend she could have got past that. After agreeing not to date Bob, you decided you were going to date him after all and did so for quite a while without telling her. For me, that would be an issue that I would have found tough (though hope I would never have been so unreasonable as to tell you that you couldn't date someone I'd dated for 5 months several years ago unless there was a very good reason). It would be the lying and not being truthful I would have found hurtful.

In summary- Helen was unreasonable to demand you not date Bob. You were unreasonable to agree to it with no intention of sticking to what you said and for not telling her sooner. She was unreasonable to react to your revelation by calling you evil and cutting you off.

Do you really want to try and rekindle this friendship though? It sounds like both of your lives have moved on.

category12 · 15/12/2018 17:11

If you had told her at the time that you would date Bob anyway, she'd clearly have freaked anyway.

She may well have, and that would have got it out of the way with OP on solid moral ground. What if it hadn't worked out between OP and Bob, and Helen had never known OP was prepared to lie to her and pay lip service? It's just not the way you treat a friend. You say "you're being a tit and I'm not going along with this", you don't sneak around behind their back.

Genevieva · 15/12/2018 17:11

She made an unreasonable demand. She created the need for your to awkwardly sneak around so that she didn't find out. She didn't recognise your and your now husband's right to fall in love and have (to quote ECHR!) a private and family life. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.

FishFingersAndCustard11 · 15/12/2018 17:14

So because she can't have him, no one else can? Even if that's the price of her best friends happiness
She's moved on with her DH and has a child with DH. She is being unreasonable.

My best friend is a male, I am a female. There's never been anything more to our friendship, we're like very close siblings. He has an older sister (let's call her June). I have never met June in person. Me and best friend went round a mutual friends house where June's ex was visiting as well. Best friend obviously knew June's ex and introduced us. We got chatting and exchanged numbers. Best friend didn't tell me it was June's ex. 7 months later we started dating and 2 months after that I was pregnant (contraceptive error). I receive a nasty Facebook message from June (I wasn't friends with her on Facebook) saying I have betrayed the girl code, and I should be ashamed. I replied back saying that I'm sorry she feels like this, but we never even met. I said I didn't know that they dated. She sent me a barrage of abuse following that message which resulted in me having to block her. I spoke to best friend about it and it turns out June and her ex dated for three months, 5 years ago. They split because he caught her tampering with her own birth control. Me and DP are still together after 2 years

winsinbin · 15/12/2018 17:14

People quite often move in smallish social circles so it’s often inevitable that they will end up dating people that friends previously dated. Ita perfectly normal. I could (maybe) see your friends point of her and Bob had once been married or he had abused her but dating for 5 months years earlier and splitting up through incompatibility is nothing.

Genevieva · 15/12/2018 17:15

Agreeing not to date someone is not a contract and you are not bound by it. It is almost certainly the rust of being too polite to call someone out on their ridiculous and rude behaviour.

Anyway, congratulations on a long and loving relationship. I am sorry you miss your friend, but it sounds like she wasn't the person you thought she was.

corkandwood · 15/12/2018 17:16

She made an unreasonable demand. She created the need for your to awkwardly sneak around so that she didn't find out

Quite.

OP is still on solid moral ground.

lalalalyra · 15/12/2018 17:17

I think Helen was livid at the idea that Bob dumped her, but was into you. I know a few friends who dated/married friend's exes and generally the one who did the dumping isn't bothered, but the one who got dumped was.

I went on 4 dates over 2 months with DH's then friend, both of us were going on dates with other people (him more than me) and we had kissed, but nothing else. I met DH and it was pretty instant with us. His friend called him for everything and FIFTEEN years later will still ask "are lala and X going?" if mutual friends have a party/wedding etc. He can really hold a grudge!

Original poster

Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 17:18

In my defence, I didn't have any secret intention of dating him when I agreed not to, I'd only just met him. Instant connection, sure, but I didn't hear wedding bells and start planning our kid's names!

We'd exchanged numbers before Helen asked me not to date him. I made no contact, Bob called me after a couple of weeks as he 'couldnt get me off his mind'.

OP posts:

FleeceDetective · 15/12/2018 17:18

I don’t think people need to slag Helen off in this. We can all choose to be friends with whoever we like, she chose not to remain friends with you/you chose Bob. Alls well that ends well, you just weren’t compatible to maintain a friendship and that’s fine.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/12/2018 17:18

I think Chloe84 is spot on OP.

I had the opposite thing happen to me in my early 20s. A very good friend asked me if I would mind if she got off with my Ex while they were away seeing a band they both loved. I kind of knew she had a thing for him and told her that no, I wouldn't mind at all.

Turned out he wasn't up for it and she then dumped me! Stopped returning my calls, would cancel arrangement last minute etc. She moved country less than a year later.

category12 · 15/12/2018 17:19

She's not - if someone makes an unreasonable demand, it doesn't make it OK to pretend you're going to fall into line.

If you're willing to shit on a friendship by lying and sneaking around, you should have the balls to just confront or end the friendship over the unreasonable demand.

Genevieva · 15/12/2018 17:21

Incidentally, it sounds like she has been facebook stalking you.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 15/12/2018 17:22

OP is still on solid moral ground.

Or the OP could have said to her friend "You are being ridiculous. I like Bob. I'm going to see how things go. Sorry if you can't cope with that."

Just because you decide someone is being unreasonable and bat shit crazy it doesn't mean you can lie and sneak and still hold the moral high ground.

jacks11 · 15/12/2018 17:23

She made an unreasonable demand. She created the need for your to awkwardly sneak around so that she didn't find out

Well, yes and no. Helen did make a completely unreasonable demand but OP did not NEED to sneak around- she chose to do so rather than say "no, you're being daft and I am not going to do as you ask because it's silly". That's what you do when a real friend is being daft (and sometimes even nice people do stupid/unkind things for which they can be forgiven)- you don't agree with them and then sneak about. That's daft too!

I agree if OP had said she was going to date Bob anyway it is possible (even highly likely) that Helen would have become hysterical at that point. In which case OP could have walked away. Agreeing not to do something you have every intention of doing anyway is just as bad as the unreasonable request in some ways.

As it turns out, OP is happy and was right to date Bob as they fell in love. Helen was upset (not entirely unreasonably, though as a consequence of her unreasonable demands) and behaved badly. OP clearly made the right choice to date Bob. I think she's probably better off letting sleeping dogs lie as Helen probably still thinks OP behaved terribly and OP still thinks Helen was totally bonkers (which she probably still is).

Travisandthemonkey · 15/12/2018 17:23

@category12
Yeah because life’s that black and white!

corkandwood · 15/12/2018 17:27

If you're willing to shit on a friendship by lying and sneaking around

Category, you sound like you are projecting onto OP from an experience you have had.

category12 · 15/12/2018 17:29

No .

Original poster

Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 17:31

@Genevieva thank you (and @corkandwood ) for your kind words, my previous relationship before 'Bob' was traumatic (ExP was violent), so I still pinch myself I can be this happy. I'm very lucky, Bob is wonderful.

I've just never been able to shake the feeling of guilt, like the happiness is undeserved because of the dramatic start to our relationship. We've been struggling TTC so also wondering if it's my karma.

OP posts:

category12 · 15/12/2018 17:33

Don't you think lying to a friend is a bad thing to do? I do.

Even if you don't agree with their rationale (or lack of), it's not cool to pretend something's OK with you and do the opposite. Saying sooner would have blown up the friendship, but lying made the friendship not worth having in those 6 months it dragged on for.

MerdedeBrexit · 15/12/2018 17:33

Does Helen still have contact with Bob or did she cast him out into the wilderness as well?

category12 · 15/12/2018 17:34

I don't think you should beat yourself up for it, OP, btw and it's not karma.

Sometimes we all do things that are, shall we say, sub-optimal.

Craft1905 · 15/12/2018 17:37

Helen noticed, and told me I'm not allowed to date Bob as it's against girl code. Bit weird, I thought, as she's happily married and we're in our 30s, not teenagers. But sure.

This is where you made your mistake. You should have laughed in her face, and said "don't be so fucking ridiculous, we're both single adults and we'll do as we damn well please, you fucking loon".

She might have been upset initially, but probably would have come round in a day or two. Instead, you pandered to her nuttiness and sneaked around behind her back. You could have held the high moral ground, but instead you threw it away because you were too weak to deal with the issue.

After all this time, I wouldn't reconnect with her. She's probably still a crackpot, and who needs that in their lives.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/12/2018 17:39

If she'd dated him 5 months prior for 8 years then no. Dating 8 whole yest before for just 5 months doesn't really even count as a relationship! I don't think there can ever be any hard and fast rules for these situations (for example it might have been different if she'd really fallen for him snd was heartbroken when he dumped her etc) but in the situation she described that's 's complete over reaction.

I hate the whole boy and girl code thing as well, you should treat people with respect and kindness regardless of gender

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