To date my best friend's ex

[Dodgepodge]

That, really. I know it's 'girl code' but are there ever any exceptions?

My friend (let's call her Helen) is happy with her DH & 4 year old DD. Before meeting her DH, she dated 'Bob' (not real name) 8 years previously for 5 months. Bob ended it. Nothing serious, just not compatible (she's quite highly strung) but they stayed friends ever since.

Bob and I then met at a party Helen had.

Bob & I had an instant connection.

Helen noticed, and told me I'm not allowed to date Bob as it's against girl code. Bit weird, I thought, as she's happily married and we're in our 30s, not teenagers. But sure.

Bob and I had already swapped numbers, and he called me. We spoke about Helen and agreed not to date as to not upset her. One phone call turned into several, then coffee, then dates, and 6 months later we're falling in love.

I told Helen we needed to speak about something important and she agreed to meet - I told her Bob & I were dating.

She got hysterical. Crying, shouting, I'm Satan. Worse than Satan. I'm evil. The worst person in the world. She hasn't spoken to me since.

For the full story, this happened 11 years ago. Bob and I are still together, happily married and he's honestly my soulmate. But Helen never spoke to me again.

Her FB profile came up as a suggested friend and it took me right back to the drama, I still miss her.

Is it always wrong to date a friend's ex? Was I unreasonable, or was she?

Is it always wrong to date a friend's ex? Was I unreasonable, or was she?

I wouldn't date the exes of my friends because thanks to my friends I know some very unpleasant truths about them, and they were all dumped by my friends, eventually.

In your situation, though, it does seem perfectly reasonable.

Have you tried contacting Helen again? She might have calmed down by now. (Haven't read the thread, so sorry if it has been discussed already)

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable really. It's a shame Helen couldn't cope with it, but she couldn't. And you chose Bob over her.

I think I was the 'Bob' in something like this years ago. Had a happy relationship in my early 20s for about a year - he ended it because he was moving to Australia for a year. Six weeks later a mutual close friend and I got together. Ex was very upset, but made the decision that our friendships were all too important to lose. A couple of decades later, my ex lives overseas, but is still one of my best friends and still one of my now DH's best friends too. I am profoundly grateful to my ex for making that possible for us all, he is a better person than I am.

@sadkoala thanks for your post - I hadn't thought of the attention aspect at all but Helen was very similar - she sat between Bob & I at the party we met at when we started chatting, literally inserted herself.

When she was single, she got all the attention. She was slim, glamorous, very pretty and outgoing, never short of compliments and always being bought drinks etc.

I....wasn't. I was overweight with bad acne (what a catch!) and I'm an introvert. In our single days on nights out, I'd be left to own devices while off she went to spend time with the latest guy.

When I told her Bob and I were dating 6 months later, first of all she laughed, thinking I was joking. "What, you?" She said, before going into the hysterics.

I'm starting to wonder what I miss.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster I truthfully have no feelings for him at all but I think I would feel really weird around him probably because i feel stupid about how I acted I was very weak in the relationship. I suppose for me and I feel really stupid saying this but he was my first proper boyfriend and I was 17 and he was 10 years older and the relationship was a bit odd e.g. I had to ring him at set times or he wouldn't answer the phone. He dumped me but then I let him pick me up and drop me for 2 years ( for sex) I thought I loved him and would be so happy when he got in touch , go meet him , sleep together then i wouldn't hear from him again till next time but I'd just let it happen over and over again so I guess it's because I'd be embarrassed about how stupid I was and still annoyed with myself that I let him and plenty of other men treat me badly as a teenager ( I had low self esteem ) and made stupid choices over and over again.So I guess it's a lot more about me than him of that makes sense

She needs to give her head a wobble.

My best friend went onto marry one of my ex boyfriends. We dated for about 4 months, but both realised we were not suited. A few months later I noticed a bit of a spark between him and my best friend, so encouraged (pushed them together) it. They have been married over 20 years and she is still my best friend. It's called 'acting like mature adults'.

Helen was U. How on earth did her husband react to the hysterics and anguish when you told her? I'd say you've had a lucky escape and you're better off without her tbh.

Don't you think lying to a friend is a bad thing to do? I do

When said friend is using the threat of their extreme emotional reaction to manipulate you into giving them what they want at your own expense? No, not really I don't. Because that person has put you in a position when you feel pressured into not being honest to avoid being subject to their aggressive outburst. Coercive control exists in friendships as well as romantic relationship, y'know.

It's like being a parent. If you are going to yell and scream at your kids when they tell you they have broken something/messed something up, then don't be surprised if they start trying to conceal things from you. You have yourself to blame for creating their need to lie to you to protect themselves from the outburst.

And to all the people saying Helen clearly couldn't cope with Bob in her life, she invited him to her party, She still had him in her life..

Your last post changes my view OP.

Dont rekindlyle the friendship. Shes horrible and i can see why you had to lie about Bob.

Let it gooooooooooooo

I think the girl code is nonsense to be honest. Why would you begrudge a friend potential happiness with someone who clearly wasn’t right for you?!

OP - Helen sounds a difficult woman. Don’t feel any guilt.

Helen is a tw*t. Don’t even worry about it! Be happy!